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I have a new favorite phrase from our kids: “Mommy, will you lay with me?” Why is this my favorite? Let me tell you.
Do you hear this every night, as I do? “Mommy, can you lie down with me for a few minutes?” (or, as our little one says, “Can you lay with me?”)
Our children want me to lie down with them every night. This question is always on their minds because they love to spend time with you.
I know that our goal is to teach them to sleep through the night so they are well-rested, but these few minutes BEFORE your child falls asleep, and even before you say “Good Night,” make all of the difference.
Several years ago, a friend of the family’s son passed away after several hours of sleep while he was asleep in his room.
A week later, another seven-year-old boy passed away, only one town away, unexpectedly while he was outside playing.
One year later, another child passed away at only 36 months of age, in the middle of the night after he was put to sleep in his own bed.
This is hard for me to think about, talk about, write about, or share today. At the time of their passing, our children were very close in age to several children that had passed away. (We have four kids: born in ’06, ’08, ’10 and ’12)
Do you know what one of our kids asks me every single night as I am tucking him into bed… “Mommy, will you lay with me?” I am sad now thinking that my answer used to be:
- Just for a second, sweetie.
- Ok – for a minute. I have to make sure that your sister and brothers are all tucked in.
- I have to clean up the kitchen, so I’ll just give you a kiss & hug, ok?
- I have to do some work – so I’ll just tuck you in quickly.
- Daddy and I are going to eat dinner since we didn’t get to eat as early as you tonight, so give me a big hug & then stay in bed and get right to sleep….”
…whatever the reason, they all say the same thing to him: “Just for a second. Other things are coming first.”
I know, I know… as parents, we don’t want to start any sort of sleep problems, and many of us do not have a family bed or bed sharing (we don’t), but this is different.
This happens as you are putting them to bed. When our son is going to sleep in his own room, while we are tucking him in, we just talk.
I know that we can’t lie there all night…
Our son would expect this, as would all of our kids. “You give an inch, they take a mile”. We think we will lie down for 5 minutes; they want 20. We give 20; they want 40. (To be honest… our youngest child be happiest if I stayed 12 hours in her bed every night!)
Hold on… there is a catch.
This is when the good stuff comes out.♥
This is when I hear all of those details that teenager boys and almost-teens don’t tell their moms anymore.
The things like..
- “So & So told me that I was cute today. How disgusting. Right, Mom?”
- “Today we had a math test, and I got them all right… I was really distracted though and thought I might miss one because out in the hallway, the kids were setting up for the play. Did I tell you about the play?”
- “Did I tell you what happened at the football game in the student section last week? It was crazy.”
- “Do you remember when I had that toddler bed, and I slept with that blue stuffed animal? Do we still have it? I think I’ll give it to my kids one day. “
- .“Mom, you know how you always say that family is everything and that the younger siblings look up to me? I think it’s the truth – I heard them telling someone that they were going to play laccosse so they could practice with me. I wonder if they’ll always be that way… it’s kind of a lot of pressure to know they’re watching me, but in a good way, because I can help them by being a good example, you know?”
- “Yesterday, when I went running with a friend, he kept saying that his stomach was hurting from running, so we slowed down. It’s so hard and pretty boring to run slow, but it’s more important to be supportive than fast. It made me think about how many times you have had to slow down when we go on bike rides just so the last person isn’t riding alone.”
- “When did you first hold someone’s hand?”
- “You’ll never believe who ____ likes this year. It’s ______ ! He told me in math class today. Crazy, isn’t it? Don’t say anything because no one knows yet, but I think he might ask her to go out.”
These are the stories that come out when we put everything else aside.
These are things that happen when we forget about whatever else we have to do or want to do.
These are the conversations that happen when we just listen… when we sit down with them with only one goal: to let them know we are there to talk & listen to them.
My late grandmother used to tell me, “Enjoy our kids Enjoy every minute that you can. I loved raising my kids and if you don’t enjoy it, you’ll be missing out on so much.”
While she never suggested having a child sleep in my bed (I’ve always taught them to stay in their own beds), she always suggested talking to them every chance that I get.
She said that she loved raising her kids and that she knew I would be the same way.
My parents and my husband’s parents remind us that one day, they won’t want to spend so much time with us. One day they will be older.
One day they will be grown and they will have many other things to take up their time, other people to listen to their stories…
It fills me with joy to know that one day they will spread their wings and fly, but at the same time, breaks my heart to think of the day when they need us less and less. One day…
TODAY is not that day.
TODAY… I will lie down with our children when they ask. I will sing Toora Loora Loora and Que Sera Sera (their favorite songs). I will pray with them. I will listen to them. I will give them my full attention.
And do you know what?
If this new bedtime routine adds ten minutes onto the end of our night, when our patience is low, and our exhaustion is high, that is ten more minutes that I was lucky enough to have spent with our children…. listening, encouraging, telling them the unspoken words that say:
TODAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME.
As I look in at my child sleeping, I think about how time goes by so quickly and how I am so glad to have these little moments now. I can remember looking at my tiny babies sleeping in their crib years ago… and now, when I look at then sleeping, they are so much older. Time goes so fast.
In ten years, those unspoken words will come back to me when he is grown, getting ready to head off to start his own life, and I ask him to stop what he is doing and sit with ME for a moment… and he does.
We only have a few years to really be present in their lives. Let’s spend these years wisely.
ps- I want to invite you to sign up for my FREE e-mail series called One on One time. It is completely free & I will send you this calendar to get you started. 🙂
If you are having trouble keeping your CHILD IN BED or helping them to SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT, these posts will be helpful:
- 2-3 year old still waking at night? Try this.
- If your child is waking too early, this works.
- This is how to keep a young child in their bed.
- How this medical advice changed our son’s sleep habits forever.
A FEW MORE PARENTING POSTS YOU MIGHT LIKE:
Your messages are greatly inspiring! Need some of that information to manage my own home.
You lay in bed every night with your seven year old boy? You’re going to have more than just memories in 10+ years, you’re going to have a man with major attachment issues! You do realize the cord needs to be cut, for the boy’s sake! Sure feel bad for his future wife!!
I don’t think that a 3 minute cuddle time will cause attachment issues… a close relationship, maybe but attachment issues? I should hope not. 🙂 If so, all four of our kids (8, 6, 4, 2) are going to have it, because I hug and cuddle all of them. 🙂
You are right, they talk so much at bedtime. As teenagers mine still ask for 5 minutes for me to sit and talk with them. I work the night shift now and I really do miss that. Loved reading a book to all of them (have 4 boys) and then sitting on each of their beds for a few minutes. Then they get talking and spend more time. Mine are well adjusted and one is 18 and will go in the military next year. They don’t have any issues and I even (GASP!) let them sleep in my bed a lot. Should make them better husbands to sit down and talk with their wives in the evenings after the practice of sharing their activities and feelings of the day. Everyone likes undivided attention from a parent.
hahah! I love that.
“Mama’s boys”, which I believe it what you are alluding to, Kathleen, are produced from coddling, not cuddling. I am assuming you don’t have a background in child development. This was a beautiful reminder to stop and smell the roses. I don’t even have children and I was touched. Thank you for sharing your heart, Becky.
Thank you! I agree… loving and hugging your child should never be seen as a negative thing.
Ps- Four years of child development studies here. 😉
Actually, having a close relationship with your child causes your child to grow up to be healthy emotionally stable adults because they felt secure in their attachments. Also, the time before bed is the best time to catch up on the day’s events because they are more likely to tell you the things that are bothering them at home, school, or with friends because they have your undivided attention. Spoiling a child happens when discipline is withheld not when love is given freely. Maybe you should do some research on “Failure to Thrive” and Romanian Orphanages to understand how secure attachments play a key role in all areas of growth and development. It is in having a secure safe base that we feel able to explore the bounds of our world. Maybe taking a step back, Kayleen, and evaluating your own parenting style and your own personal childhood is in order before you start criticizing others.
What a beautiful story. Time spent with our children is time invested in their mental and emotional health and well being. We under estimate the power of our presence. I have seen this unfold with my 5 year old. The more time I spend with her, the greater her self confidence and of course her stories that she loves to share with us.
THank you!! 🙂
This is precious =). Our children have their love language and your son’s seems to be time and he gets you when he knows things are slowing down. That’s precious I love hanging out t bed time we read or talk. You block out the world and chores and ensure they are good. Precious time they will remember and pass on to their children. Way to go mom. Many would not do what you do and wonder why their children are unhappy and have behavioral issues.
Thank you, Tanya. 🙂
I love the love languages- I would love to read the one for kids. (ps- so true… ‘block out the world’)
Love this! I am a grandma of 17 now and they are growing up quickly too! Time passes so quickly! Cherish every moment you have like this. You will never regret it.
You are so kind, Ellen. 🙂 Thank you.
17? You are BLESSED… 🙂
I could not agree with you more. The other day my 5 year old asked me to lay down with her at nap time. My instinct was to tell her I had other things to do or that she needed to nap right now and momma needed a moment alone but lately I have been so aware of how quickly she is growing and thank goodness I gave in. She snuggled up close, we fell asleep and that is all she could talk about. She knows it can’t happen all the time but it impacted her and when she is 14 and our relationship gets a little harder, I am praying moments like those bring her back into my arms. I love your heart and DO NOT give up on this. I know God as our parent will sit with us or “lay down” with us ANY TIME we ask. I want to be gracious and loving like Him.
Thanks, Cassandra. How sweet!!
I loved this post. I am now Nana (retired). 2-3-almost 5 year old little girls all the same family. They are the delight and light of my life. They stay over for beloved sleepovers often and now as the Nana, I do find the time to lie with each of them at bedtime. It is a coveted, and precious time I have come to love. You are right, it is the time of the day that things are said. Memory making things. I wish I had the presence of mind to make the time when my children were young to spend that precious time with them.
I love that you are doing this with your grandchildren. I have fond memories of sitting and talking to my grandma (how she just listened to me, uninterrupted, while I went on and on…) 🙂
Thank you for sharing!!
My daughter is 15 and I still give her a kiss goodnight after she lies down to bed. Every once in awhile she’ll ask me to snuggle her. How lucky is that? My 15 year old still wants me close? This article made me tear up because I too often make an excuse. She’s going to be out in the world before I know it and it kills me to realize that she won’t always live with me. Thanks for the reminder that I need to seize those moments while I have the. 🙂
That’s so sweet!
We have one night a week where are girls(4)and (2) get to sleep in our bed, usually not a school night. But I will never forget when my daughter asked while we where talking and laughing. My four year old asked..”Mommy, when I get to heaven mommy, will you teach me how to fly?”…instant tears to this day when I think about it. They get so excited and we get to talk the night away. Moments I will never forget. Just be.
Oh my goodness- be still my heart! 🙂
This was such a great read. You nailed it. Just a couple of hours ago, I was being asked the same thing and replying with the same thing. Knowing in the back of my mind that laying down with my 7 year old for five minutes is the easiest thing I would have to do all day. Laying down. It is something I want to do all day! Even though I said I couldn’t, I still went back in and rested with her for a while. I told her a funny story about when I was little and she loved it. Of course she wanted me to stay when I said time was up, but I’m happy I went back in. “7” may seem old compared to 2 or 3, but 7 is so tiny, so little and five minutes snuggling in bed with that little 7 year old meant the world to her tonight. Every night. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I don’t think I will ever deny her snuggle time ever again.
🙂 Thank you for telling me. I”m so glad that you liked it.
I couldn’t agree more!! Thank you!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 15 minutes before I read this, I was almost yelling at my daughter to stop calling for me, that I needed to get things done etc etc. Then this popped up on my facebook feed and I almost started crying. I put down my laptop and ran upstairs and told her that I was happy to lay with her until she fell asleep and that she is important. Thank you so much for this – I feel like I have messed up trying to train my child to sleep perfectly so that I can have balance but THIS, everything you wrote, is far more important than all this balance I am trying to achieve.
So tonight, I will get to bed a little later than I wanted, and not get as much done as I wanted, but to read all these comments about how moms of older kids laid with their kids and are close with them now, makes me realize that the to do list can wait. My goal in life is to be close to my daughter as she grows and when she is grown, I just didn’t know fully how to do it, but I think this is apart of it. Thank you.
Thank you again, I needed this.
How amazing. Thank you for sharing that with me. It touched my heart.
That is so wonderful to hear. That made my day!
Love it! I just shared it 🙂
Thank you, Lulsa.
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this article. I was criticized while married and still continue to be criticized by this person (now my ex) for lying with my daughter (she is seven and I was even accused of doing something lewd during the divorce). The bottom line is that the bond I have with my little girl is and always has been a million times better than what she has with her mother. I didn’t forsake my child for any one or any thing- like my career.
Agreed- laying with your child is just your way of giving them a few minutes of uninterrupted attention that they need.
I would say, “You are using totally incorrect grammar. Lay is to put or place, as in to lay a fork on a table. Lie is to rest or recline, as in,’Mommy will you lie with me?’ Proper grammar is important.”
Hmm… true. I just say “Yes”. 🙂
You’re right, that is when the really good stuff comes out. I’ve been reading to my daughter at bedtime and then snuggling up with her until just after she falls asleep for more than 7 years now. We also say prayers and talk and I sing to her. I’ve missed very few nights and when I have, she’s called me for the songs. Bedtime is my favorite time of day. Thank you for sharing with folks how special a time it can be!
🙂 I could sing them lullabies constantly! (I love to sing! haha!)