How can you make each child feel important? Have one on one time with your kids. Devote time to JUST THAT CHILD!
It really is just that easy- spend time listening to your child and talking with your child… say yes when they ask you to lie down with them when you tuck them. These moments of individual time all add up to a very loved child.
♡ Update: Since sharing this idea (shared below), I have received so many wonderful emails about how this tradition is now working in their family to help their children feel important, special, and loved. Parents and grandparents have adopted this tradition with their nuclear family and extended family, and are seeing huge benefits from it.♡
My husband and I have four children, each two years apart. No matter how old our children become, the time with them is so important and cannot be forgotten, missed, or put on hold.
From the early years with young children to later years of parenting a teenager, every year is as important as the year before. The parent/child relationship is a bond that lasts for a lifetime.
One day, before you know it, this child will become your best friend. Your child will be kind and loving, have good social skills, and be respectful. You will see confidence in your child because of the time that you took to be with them, to learn about them, to talk to them, to love them.
These moments of one on one time are when our children build this trust in our relationship. Children learn how much they are loved when they have individual time with each of their family members.
No matter which of the parenting styles you use in your family life, no matter how parents rear their children, raise their children, or work with their children, we’ve heard this works wonders.
It’s the simple act of individual time to show your child that you care.
How Do You Find Time for One-on-One Time?
Spending one on one time with each of them can be challenging because they each want our attention all of the time.
I was talking about this with my dear friend, Kristy, an early childhood expert & a child development therapist, and she told me a wonderful parenting idea that we have since adopted and we now use every month. It is essential to make every child important.
Our One-on-One Time Tradition: “Your Special Night”
1). EVERY MONTH, on our child’s ‘birth date,” they get to have what we call “YOUR SPECIAL NIGHT.“
What does this look like?
It means that every month, each child will get one night that is just theirs. It is special because it’s their night with us, with no one else around. For about a half of an hour, we do something fun, out of the ordinary, and we focus 100% of our attention on that child.
Can you share an example?
Since one of our sons was born on August 29th. Each month, on the 29th, it is his special night.
Another one of our sons was born on April 18th, so every month on the 18th, it is his special night.
And so on…
What do you do on the Special Night?
How long does it last?
On their “Special Night”, they get to stay up about 20-30 minutes later than normal. The other kids go to their room to go to bed or to read a book, but the “b-day child” stays up to do something fun with mom & dad.
The child picks the activity. Here are some ideas…
- play a board game
- read a book
- go on a walk
- write hidden messages & watch them appear in the water
- do a science experiment
- work on the car with dad
- go on a bike ride
- build something
- make a fort
- Make a bucket list for traveling (inside and outside of the United States)
- bake 3-ingredient cookies.
You are welcome to use this printable list of one-on-one time activities, too.
Do Electronics Count As An ‘Activity’?
We do not allow electronics because we can’t talk. This is their chance to really talk to us, to communicate, to laugh, to tell us anything – and we give them our attention.
If the TV is on, or a game is on, our attention is focused on the screen instead of on each other. For that reason, it can not be watching TV or playing on the computer (no electronics). When electronics are on, it can feel like your attention is divided, just like if you were with a group of people instead of just your child.
We End with Words of Affirmation & Prayer
When it is time for bed, after our special night is done, we take a few minutes to speak words of affirmation over our child.
Each Parent Says Gives Two Compliments
We tell them two specific things (two from each of us) that we love about them.
Examples of things we might say:
- “I love how you are so funny and smile all of the time!”
- “I love how you are so sweet to your little sister!”
- ” I love how you try to make people laugh if they are feeling sad.”
- “You always do your chores without complaining.”
We each do this, each listing at least two things that we cherish about him.
We Say A Prayer Together
Afterward, Mickey and I hold that child’s hands while we say a prayer together. You could use this printable prayer hand. We say the prayer out loud for them to hear.
Example:
“Thank you, God, for _(child’s name)____. Please watch over him and take care of him tonight and tomorrow. Let him have a wonderful day tomorrow! Let him know how much You love him and let him share Your love with others through his gratitude, smile, patience, and kind words. Thank you for this child – he is smart, funny, and made in your Glory. We are grateful that he is our son & we love that we get to love him every day!”
Tuck Them In
Finally, we lie down with him, when we tuck them into bed at night. This is something that we do with each child, every single night.
Any time that you get to cuddle with your kids is a good time.
Are the other kids jealous?
They are probably a little bit envious, even though their turn is just around the bend. They’ve never come right out & said it, but they do try to interrupt for this reason or that reason. They know that this isn’t allowed.
It’s understandable, as everyone loves their ‘special night’ and wants it to be their turn. To resolve this, we let our other kids read books in their beds (quietly) until the other ones are going to bed.
This is instead of going right to sleep and it only happens when they are old enough to handle staying up 30 minutes later. When our kids were younger, they went to bed at 7:00 most nights, so staying up until 7:30 wasn’t a big deal. Even now, the difference between 8:30 & 9:00 or 9:00 & 9:30 isn’t much.
What if the siblings interrupt?
If a child does interrupt (and they are old enough to understand), they lose minutes from their own special night.
Example:
If they interrupt for five minutes, they lose five minutes on their night. If you stick to this rule one time, they won’t do it again.
Set a Reminder
The odds of your child forgetting about their special night is slim, but just in case, we write their name, in big letters, on our calendar. They LOVE to watch the calendar to see how it slowly comes to their day. I also have a reminder set that alerts me each month.
Example:
Every month on the 25th, I hear a reminder around noon that says, “Ethan stays up tonight for his special night!”
What NOT to do during one-on-one time:
There are a few things that you should not do during one on one time. While this post gives you a very detailed list, it is important to put away any distractions. This allows you to be present with your child, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, too.
Why Have Special Nights for One on One Time?
We do this because it can be hard to find uninterrupted time with our children during the day. This guarantees that your child will have this time with you.
Use this time to get to know your child even better. Snuggle with them, talk to them, learn from them, enjoy their company, and have fun! The more that you get to know your child, through conversations and following their lead, the closer you will become. This is your chance to let them know how much you cherish them as individuals & how much you cherish your time with them.
Looking back on our family (and the family history that we are creating), we have seen just how amazing it is when you have close relationships with your children.
Any time that you can give a child your undivided attention, you are making a lasting impression in their hearts. A memory to last a lifetime…
“Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.” ~Catherine Wallace
Here is a free calendar to use for One-on- One time ideas
Erin@TheHumbledHomemaker says
What a great idea, Becky! Love it! Sharing this on my Facebook page. 🙂
Becky Mansfield says
Thanks!! The boys LOVE it! We usually play a board game (that’s usually their pick) & they ask every few days “How many days until its “My night” again?”) – Have a great night, Erin. I’ll see you in the morning!
Stefanie says
I appreciate this idea, because we want to have special date nights with each of our children (in addition to twice daily one-on-one times. However, being on a very tight budget, many ideas I’ve seen around the web and heard from friends leave me discouraged, because we simply cannot afford that right now.
Thank you for sharing. I feel so encouraged!
Jody says
What do u do if u have kids on the same day. 3 of mine r the 7
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I’d let them pick a day.
Aprille says
wow I have never heard this idea but I think it’s stellar!!! Definitely sharing!!
Becky Mansfield says
It works wonderfully! I’m so glad you like it. 🙂
Mel Caldicott says
What a fantastic suggestion. I have three children and also find it hard to spend one-to-one time with them. My youngest is only at preschool and is at home in the afternoons, so she gets much more of my undivided attention than the two older boys.
Love the idea of having a special day each month. I may have to choose a different system though as my youngest son and daughter share the same birthday! 🙂
Thanks for linking up to Essential Fridays at http://www.essentialthingdevotions.com.
Blessings.
Becky Mansfield says
I’m glad it helped! 🙂
zoe says
What about a 13 year old and a 16 year old?
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
We plan to do this for as long as they live here. 🙂
Joann says
Just pick a day any day and let them know that this is their special day….and do it every month, or share your day with one of them and dads day with the other!
Hope @ Fairhope Supply Co. says
Very sweet of you, and very blessed for them!
Pam@behealthybehappywellness says
Great idea! I recently challenged my readers to spend one-on-one time with each of their kids (http://behealthybehappywellness.com/2013/01/tuesday-challenge-plan-regular-dates-with-your-kids/ ) and it’s definitely something I try to do each month. But, I only have two kids – your 20 minutes later is GREAT for someone with more!
Your Modern Family says
Thanks- with four children, this works out great! 🙂 Great challenge, too!
Lottie says
Always rerihsefng to hear a rational answer.
Niki at For Journey's Sake says
I love this idea! Thank you for sharing it. I am definitely going to be talking with Hubby to see if this is something we can incorporate into our family time.
Heather says
I love this idea. Having it a regular night each month would really help me to remember to do it. 🙂
Karen Sans says
I love this idea. I only have one child, but sometimes I feel like she needs so extra special attention.
New follower from Aloha Friday.
Karen
http://sofabulouskids.blogspot.com/
Your Modern Family says
It works really well with our kids & they get so excited for their “day” 🙂
PS- Welcome- I enjoyed your page, too!
Monica says
This is such a great idea. I think we’ll adopt it. Thanks for linking up at Family Fun Friday! http://happyandblessedhome.com
Sincerely,
Monica
Renee says
making memories for little ones is so special 🙂
Ashley says
Great ideas for making each individual child feel special! Wonderful post!
Your Modern Family says
Thanks, Ashley!
oyin says
Its a great idea. I must employ this for my kids.
Sarah says
I love the idea of giving each child each month “their” night — what a fabulous way to make sure that each child gets some special one-on-one time. I will be pinning this post to make sure I remember it!
Your Modern Family says
It is our favorite night… times four! 😉
Faith @ Artistic31Mama says
We have four children all two years apart as well and I LOVE LOVE LOVE this idea! I’m definitely going to use it. I’ve been trying to think of ways to spend that individual time with each of them. Thanks for sharing this wonderful idea!
Your Modern Family says
I’m glad that you like it- it really does work out great. Tonight is one of them and he is picking to take a bike ride with his Dad. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!!
Kathryn says
This is a really cool idea! I only have one right now, but baby 2# is due in Nov!
Your Modern Family says
yay!!!! 🙂 Do this- our kids LOVE it! 🙂
PS- I just played around on your page. 🙂
Rachel says
I am so excited about this! I have been thinking about doing this and these are great ideas! Thank you so much for sharing!!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Oh do it- you’ll LOVE it!
Orlena says
What a lovely idea. We also use clearing up after dinner time as a bit of one on one time. One child helps washing up (er, ok perhaps ‘help’ isn’t the right word..) but it’s a great way to talk to them or just spend some time with them. They get to take the rubbish out and go up to bath a bit later so they feel special! (Who said treats were expensive!)
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
🙂 I agree- any one on one time is good… no matter what you are doing!
Melissa @ A Virtuous Woman says
This is so very true!! I loved this post. Sharing!!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thanks, Melissa.
Paula says
I absolutely LOVE this idea!! 😀 We too have four children, and right now, I have set aside 1 hour every Monday and rotate through the children (1st Monday of the month goes to the oldest, 2nd Monday of the month goes to the 2nd born, and so forth). But there is something very sweet and special about this. I especially LOVE the idea about telling them two things you love about them and then praying a special prayer just for them. I am going to incorporate that into my Monday’s. Thank you for sharing this!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you! We have one coming up tomorrow night. 🙂
Enjoy your Mondays!
Danielle says
I have 6 children, 10, 9, 7, 6, 4, and 2. Finding one on one time is extremely difficult. This is a great idea. We do something similar. We have a VIP night every other weekend, which could be any night on the weekend that everyone is home, no birthday parties or sleepovers. One child every other weekend gets to choose the VIP supper. They can help prepare it too. Then during the meal we go around the table and each person at the table says what we love about the VIP child. The children LOVE it! For the weekends in between the VIP suppers we also rotate going out for breakfast. One parent takes one child out for breakfast. My husband and I take turns so the children get alone time with each of us. We use coupons and breakfast for 2 usually costs around $10. We have these times wrote on our family wall calender so the children can check and know when their special days are!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I am going to start that this week- and I’ll blog about it because that is just the most fantastic idea so I can’t wait to share your tip!!! Love it!
Bekah Evie Bel says
I recently implemented something a little similar. I only have 2 kids, 1 on the way, but we homeschool so a lot of our time is spent together, all of us. I decided to begin a mummy-child movie night (yep screen time haha, we don’t actually watch much otherwise). First Saturday of every month is Mummy-Monster night, second saturday is Mummy-Wench night and then third Saturday is all of us having a movie night together – we watched Wizard of Oz last month, they loved it!
But I really like the idea of a simple half hour doing something else, more quality, and the idea of their birth date is fantastic! I might try this as well once my first trimester fatigue is gone 🙂
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Congratulations on the baby on the way!
Quatavia says
Thank you so much for this quick post. Been thinking for months of ways to make our daughter, 7 years old, feel just as special as the baby. This works out great. Plus she would love being able to have one day she picks the activity at night. Thanks!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
She’s love it!
Allison says
Love the special night idea! The weirdest thing was your examples. My first kiddo was born august 29 and second was born April 18. What are the odds?!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
No way!!!! haha! Oh- another coincidence- your name is Allison (our daughter is Allie.) 😉
Lina says
What a cute idea ! Would love to try it even though our 4 kids are much older.
How to handle that dd 14 and ds 11 share the same day 8th ( Jan and May ) ? LOL
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Hmm… I would have them each pick a new day that will be their number. 🙂
Serena says
I love this idea! Not sure what to do with the two of my kids that both share the 29th as their day though… Any good suggestions to keep that ‘fair’?
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I think that I would just pick different days for both of them. Maybe the 1st & the 10th or something like that?
Serena says
A different day for both is a good suggestion so no one feels especially favored. I’m looking forward to implementing this into our lives in the new year!
Crystal says
This is a great idea. We have 5 boys and struggle to spend one on one time with them. However 3 of my boys are born on the 4th of different months. So it goes the 4th, 20th, 4th, 4th, & then the 14th. Any ideas how to do this for our family?
Emily @ My Love for Words says
These are such great ideas! I love the special day every month idea. My kids would eat that up. 🙂
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
🙂 Mine LOVE it!
Bev S. says
I love your article! I have 2 grown kids and they have said numerous times that they loved their one on one time as young kids and they still love it! My son is 31 and married and my daughter is 25 but every year, I take each of them individually away for a couple of days. I find out what is happening with them and they catch up on what is happening with me. We live near each other and we spend the remainder of the year near each other as a family. The one on one time gives all of us a little break from our busy lives. So, my advice is this…. Don’t ever stop offering the one on one time. That time and those memories can never be replaced.
WaldoWoman says
I’ve been trying to figure out a routine of some sort to have one on one time with my 4 kids (because if it isn’t a routine it pretty much gets forgotten ;o). I hadn’t thought of picking a monthly date! The birth dates won’t work (we have a Nov. 28th/Dec.28th and a Jan.2nd/May 2nd) and my husband works nights so not sure about the staying up late, but certainly an idea that maybe a I can give some thought and tweak a bit! Thanks!
Nicola says
Thanks for this idea ! I only have two boys but being a working mum out everyday and my Husband being self employed and working weird hours I wanted to find a way to spend time one to one with them . Thank you 👍👍
Amy Carney says
As a Mom of 5, I love this! Our kids, too, went to bed early like yours and we used to devote one-on-one time to each of them in the same way. Would’ve been cool if I would’ve thought to claim an actual date for each month though. Mine are teens now and go to bed after us on most nights now, so enjoy this while you can. We still fit in simple ways to spend one-on-one time with them, but I definitely miss those sweet, special, easy moments with them. They grow so fast!
Laura says
Thank you for this idea! We have six kids, ages 3-10 and one on one time is pretty impossible….I love this! Now to figure out how to manage the days, our kids are born on the 2nd,3rd,7th two on the 10th and 22nd. It’ll be a busy week and a double!😂 But with some adjusting on the scheduling I think it will be great!!
parentsupporthub.com says
Thank you for this very useful article!
It’s important to understand that it doesn’t have to cost at all to go on a date with your kids. They will appreciate the attention you give them and won’t care at all if you didn’t spend a dime for that date. Take them to a park on a nice picnic or just go bike riding. It doesn’t matter what you do kids simply enjoy having one-on-one time with their parents.
Nekeisha morgan says
I am going to try this. Thanks for the insight
Julie says
Great idea, Becky! We started something new and really love it. We have 4 kids and every week is someone’s special week. We do something special with that child on their week. It may simply be going with us to the grocery store and getting a special treat, or staying up a bit late with us one night, or getting to be the one who eats the last brownie or pick the family movie, etc. None of the other kids complain because they know their special week is coming. My husband and I get our special week every fifth week and we go on a date. It’s worked out very well for us without creating a,lot if extra work.
David says
Thank you for sharing, Beck !!. <3 it !!
Diane says
Hi! What would the recommendation for children who have the same date. Of our 7, we have three bone on the 29th. So this would be an amazing tool. As you can imagine, it’s so hard for us to really focus our attention on just one.
Thank you!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I’d have one on the first of the month & one on the 15th, or something – they don’t care as long as they have a date that is picked.
marina aizen says
Hi from Argentina!
I think this is just a wonderful idea! I have 2 yrs old twins and I wondered how I could spend personal time with them once they grow up a little more. And I would love some input about this from you, being so helpful and giving so great ideas to improve our children relationship with us, their parents.
Our days start early as well (I’ve just read your post about going to sleep early and I loved it!) and my nights are still crazy with one of our boys, but I guess that will pass too and we will be able to enjoy more of them some day and spend a special time with each one.
Lots of love from the Southeast part of America! 😉
And thanks for your ideas and dedication!
Marina
Erica @ HeyKidsWhatsForDinner.com says
Becky, I’m so glad I just stumbled on your blog! You have so many posts that resonate with me and my mission to be my *best* self as a mother. I’ve been doing a similar thing with my kids, we call them “mom dates”, where I spend one day a month with each kid. There is $10 limit and they get 1 hour of undivided attention from me. It has been amazing for my relationship with my sweet kiddos.
I came from a family of 9 kids, and being the oldest, I NEVER got one-on-one time with my mom. I determined early on that I wanted to have a better relationship with my kids. So I’ve loved focusing on each of them frequently and building up our relationship so we can have a bond that lasts into adulthood.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I love that – “Mom Dates”! Thanks for sharing!!! 🙂
Abby says
Aww these are such awesome tips! It’s something I have often wondered about – how large families manage to recognise and maintain the individuality of each child.
Lisa says
I’m so glad that I found this. We began our Special Nights this month, and each child has been SO excited for their night. They plan it weeks in advance and really enjoy it. The prayers and love and cuddles are such a great way to end it. Thank you!
Becky Mansfield says
Aww- I love that! Thanks for sharing!