I have a new favorite phrase from our kids: “Mommy, will you lay with me?” Why is this my favorite? Let me tell you.
Do you hear this every night, as I do? “Mommy, can you lie down with me for a few minutes?” (or, as our little one says, “Can you lay with me?”)
Our children want me to lie down with them every night. This question is always on their minds because they love to spend time with you.
I know that our goal is to teach them to sleep through the night so they are well-rested, but these few minutes BEFORE your child falls asleep, and even before you say “Good Night,” make all of the difference.
Several years ago, a friend of the family’s son passed away after several hours of sleep while he was asleep in his room.
A week later, another seven-year-old boy passed away, only one town away, unexpectedly while he was outside playing.
One year later, another child passed away at only 36 months of age, in the middle of the night after he was put to sleep in his own bed.
This is hard for me to think about, talk about, write about, or share today. At the time of their passing, our children were very close in age to several children that had passed away. (We have four kids: born in ’06, ’08, ’10 and ’12)
Do you know what one of our kids asks me every single night as I am tucking him into bed… “Mommy, will you lay with me?” I am sad now thinking that my answer used to be:
- Just for a second, sweetie.
- Ok – for a minute. I have to make sure that your sister and brothers are all tucked in.
- I have to clean up the kitchen, so I’ll just give you a kiss & hug, ok?
- I have to do some work – so I’ll just tuck you in quickly.
- Daddy and I are going to eat dinner since we didn’t get to eat as early as you tonight, so give me a big hug & then stay in bed and get right to sleep….”
…whatever the reason, they all say the same thing to him: “Just for a second. Other things are coming first.”
I know, I know… as parents, we don’t want to start any sort of sleep problems, and many of us do not have a family bed or bed sharing (we don’t), but this is different.
This happens as you are putting them to bed. When our son is going to sleep in his own room, while we are tucking him in, we just talk.
I know that we can’t lie there all night…
Our son would expect this, as would all of our kids. “You give an inch, they take a mile”. We think we will lie down for 5 minutes; they want 20. We give 20; they want 40. (To be honest… our youngest child be happiest if I stayed 12 hours in her bed every night!)
Hold on… there is a catch.
This is when the good stuff comes out.♥
This is when I hear all of those details that teenager boys and almost-teens don’t tell their moms anymore.
The things like..
- “So & So told me that I was cute today. How disgusting. Right, Mom?”
- “Today we had a math test, and I got them all right… I was really distracted though and thought I might miss one because out in the hallway, the kids were setting up for the play. Did I tell you about the play?”
- “Did I tell you what happened at the football game in the student section last week? It was crazy.”
- “Do you remember when I had that toddler bed, and I slept with that blue stuffed animal? Do we still have it? I think I’ll give it to my kids one day. “
- .“Mom, you know how you always say that family is everything and that the younger siblings look up to me? I think it’s the truth – I heard them telling someone that they were going to play laccosse so they could practice with me. I wonder if they’ll always be that way… it’s kind of a lot of pressure to know they’re watching me, but in a good way, because I can help them by being a good example, you know?”
- “Yesterday, when I went running with a friend, he kept saying that his stomach was hurting from running, so we slowed down. It’s so hard and pretty boring to run slow, but it’s more important to be supportive than fast. It made me think about how many times you have had to slow down when we go on bike rides just so the last person isn’t riding alone.”
- “When did you first hold someone’s hand?”
- “You’ll never believe who ____ likes this year. It’s ______ ! He told me in math class today. Crazy, isn’t it? Don’t say anything because no one knows yet, but I think he might ask her to go out.”
These are the stories that come out when we put everything else aside.
These are things that happen when we forget about whatever else we have to do or want to do.
These are the conversations that happen when we just listen… when we sit down with them with only one goal: to let them know we are there to talk & listen to them.
My late grandmother used to tell me, “Enjoy our kids Enjoy every minute that you can. I loved raising my kids and if you don’t enjoy it, you’ll be missing out on so much.”
While she never suggested having a child sleep in my bed (I’ve always taught them to stay in their own beds), she always suggested talking to them every chance that I get.
She said that she loved raising her kids and that she knew I would be the same way.
My parents and my husband’s parents remind us that one day, they won’t want to spend so much time with us. One day they will be older.
One day they will be grown and they will have many other things to take up their time, other people to listen to their stories…
It fills me with joy to know that one day they will spread their wings and fly, but at the same time, breaks my heart to think of the day when they need us less and less. One day…
TODAY is not that day.
TODAY… I will lie down with our children when they ask. I will sing Toora Loora Loora and Que Sera Sera (their favorite songs). I will pray with them. I will listen to them. I will give them my full attention.
And do you know what?
If this new bedtime routine adds ten minutes onto the end of our night, when our patience is low, and our exhaustion is high, that is ten more minutes that I was lucky enough to have spent with our children…. listening, encouraging, telling them the unspoken words that say:
TODAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME.
As I look in at my child sleeping, I think about how time goes by so quickly and how I am so glad to have these little moments now. I can remember looking at my tiny babies sleeping in their crib years ago… and now, when I look at then sleeping, they are so much older. Time goes so fast.
In ten years, those unspoken words will come back to me when he is grown, getting ready to head off to start his own life, and I ask him to stop what he is doing and sit with ME for a moment… and he does.
We only have a few years to really be present in their lives. Let’s spend these years wisely.
ps- I want to invite you to sign up for my FREE e-mail series called One on One time. It is completely free & I will send you this calendar to get you started. 🙂
If you are having trouble keeping your CHILD IN BED or helping them to SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT, these posts will be helpful:
- 2-3 year old still waking at night? Try this.
- If your child is waking too early, this works.
- This is how to keep a young child in their bed.
- How this medical advice changed our son’s sleep habits forever.
A FEW MORE PARENTING POSTS YOU MIGHT LIKE:
Susan says
Becky this post brought tears to me eyes. I have 3 grown-up children and when they were little I spent as much time as I could, doing things with them and developing bonds whenever I could. I wanted to be able to say when they were grown, I did as much as I could possibly do. We were not rich, in fact we struggled. Today I have 3 adult children and I am so proud of them. They are all morally upright citizens who hold high standards and have successful careers. They are also the best friends that their dad and I have. Now we have 2 little grandchildren and 1 on the way and I plan to be a Nan who has time and attention for her grandkids so that they will be our best friends too. May God bless your little family abundantly.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Oh my goodness- I love this! This is so great to hear. (& congratulations to you!!) Thanks for sharing!
Lori says
THank you. I need this reminder as my son says the same thing every night to me. Teared up reading the end of your article. I don’t ever want that day to come when they don’t need us as much anymore..so why am I so quick to say “no” when they need us now?
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I know… same here.
Joyce says
Thank you for this!! I need to be more mindful of these requests for more meaningful time together. My kids are growing like weeds and soon they many not beg for me to cuddle with them. Thank you for sharing.
T. THOMAS says
It eventually ends bc at 12 and 13, you don’t co-sleep. Do it while you can!!!
Amy says
Truer words were never spoken. Don’t try to push them
Past those years. They will be over soon enough
Janet says
Oh my goodness. We have three kids, all grown. All in 5yrs.
Taking turns, on rotation each Friday evening belonged to one.
My kids mean more to ,e than life.
Our eldest now 55 yrs was in a horrific auto accident in 2002. She is paralyzed and in a wheelchair.
Our son (middle) is 53yrs. He was borned Autistic. By the grace of God he outgrew it. He became a handsome young man. He was x at age 52 with Colon cancer. He fought it for 13 and half mos We lost him Oct. 5th, 2016 at 3:45 a.m. 6mos ago. A Mother’s heart never heals. I did my best for him that I knew to do. And, I still have guilt feeling about some things.
Our baby now almost 50yrs. 7yrs ago had breast cancer. She surviced!
GOD knew what he was doing. I feel myself being molded into a gentlet, more humble creature.
No one dreams of burying their child. But, someday we will all be together in Heaven.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Wow- I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine. I completely agree- all together in Heaven, one day.
Karen-Ann Lima says
Hi-Just wanted to share with you that I got to “lie with mine both 17 and 20 years ago, and we have this amazing relationship now each and everyday! Keep on keeping on, the rewards can’t even begin to be measured! 😉
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Oh yay!!!!! Thanks for sharing!
Jessica says
This is 1 of the most beautiful, and insightful articles that I have read. I am 37 years old now with a son that is 12. I remember my parents seemed to always have time for me. Whether it was my dad just getting home from work and me hitting him at the door with, “Daddy Daddy come play with me”, or me wanting my mom to stop cleaning, somehow they would always include me. I remember my mom would say to me, while she was cleaning, that I could help her and we would get done faster so that then we can play. also, she would suggest things I could play sitting at the kitchen table where momma was cleaning, so that then we could still talk. Often, I would skip playing at the table in order to help Mom, so that we could get done cleaning; and, then my mom and I can play. looking back I really didn’t care what my mom and I played or did just as long as we spent time together. the same thing goes for my dad when he would get home from work, although tired 2 death, he would take that time just to play with me. BOY DID I EVER FEEL LIKE ROYALTY, for all the time they spent with me.
I remember another time my friends and I were playing outside. Then as we were playing, something happened that changed my eyes forever. my dad drove up in his old brown rusty car and falling apart. The heater did not even work; and it was the ugliest car I had ever seen! my dad drove up in the ugly old car and I got embarrassed for just a bit or perhaps I was actually ashamed of that ugly. I remember thinking what would my friends think now? Boy ole boy, then it was like lightening struck my heart. ..I became ashamed of me, for not seeing my daddy 1st, rather than that ole beat up car.How dare I think about what my friends might think over what I knew was true about my dad. It had nothing to do with the car for my dad was always a shiny jewel. I felt I had betrayed my dad in thinking about what my friends may think. No one knew what all I was thinking, for I kept it to myself. I cried that night, as only a 12 yr old, suddenly infused with a moment of clarity and wisdom.
I KNEW MY DAD DROVE THAT BEAT UP CAR, SO THAT MY MOM AND I COULD HAVE THE BEST. Because of his sacrifice my mom got to be a stay at home mom and I had plenty of all that I needed and wanted. HIS SACRIFICE NEVER WENT UNNOTICED and I knew he done it out of LOVE.
Now, at 37, my parents are still my best friends and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do 4 them. Later as a teen, I learned God’s love so easy it seemed, for I had 1st seen HIS LOVE GIVEN TO ME BY MY PARENTS, THE 1ST EXAMPLE OF A GODLY LOVE, AND OF THE SACRIFICES MADE JUST FOR ME. HIS LOVE WASN’T HARD TO FATHOM; BUT JUST ANOTHER PART OF MY LIFE.
My mom’s dream has always been to live on a farm and have our horses out back. Well 3 yrs ago we done it; we bought a farm. I say we cuz it took my parents and I to take on the financial load and not to mention the physical load. I had came to them with this “dream cone true” plan, outlined to the smallest detail. For before this, I had decided to give up where I lived, to sacrifice the best way I knew how.
This story may sound like me rambling on about myself; but no way is it about me. This story is about two heros, my mom & dad. I thank God for giving me these two as a testimony he sent to me.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
That was SO sweet. Thank you for sharing!!!
Yvette says
Your comment was beautiful, Jessica!
Cindie says
Jessica, Your story is amazing and truly touching, brought tears to my eyes!! Thank you so much for sharing that ❤️
Dawn says
What a beautiful perspective you have! I, too, have stopped to smell the roses with my children. After bath time, I read to them, prayed with them and sang to them. I breathed them in and held them in my heart as I got up to go to bed myself, sometimes with my eyes crossing. I have adult children now and was so blessed to have one more. He’s 10 and loves cuddle, too. We went from reading board books to Harry Potter and everything in between. Read “I’ll Love You Forever” and it really tells my story. 🙂 I wouldn’t trade those moments for anything in the world.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Oh so sweet!! (ps- our kids love that book, “I’ll Love You Forever”)
sharon says
Susan….I couldn’t have said it better!
LINDA says
My youngest granddaughter, now 5 years old, spends every other Friday night with me & I always lay with her at bedtime, we talk & giggle & I sing her the songs I always sang to my 3 kids. We say our prayers & God Blesses. I hope & pray she never forgets how important she is to me.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I love that! My grandma was my closest friend! I talked to her many times a day until she passed three years ago. It all started at a young age, too… You are doing amazing things for her!
Georgene says
I am a Gigi(Grandma) of 5 now. I can’t get enough of them! They love jumping in our bed and being goofy. They want me to “scratch my back”? So, I scratch away. These times are priceless. God Bless all the children, young and old.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
My mom is Gi. 🙂
Oh goodness- my kids want their back scratched, too. My mother-in-law is the queen of scratching backs, so when she visits, she takes that job for me. lol!
Jewelz says
Thanks for posting this, Becky. I was in tears after reading your post. I have a 4 year-old, and I do get irritated when she tells me she wants one more story, then another one, and then another one. But one day ti will end, and hopefully if I do read her “one more story” today, later she will sit with me when I ask her.
Kathy says
I thought this was going to be a cautionary tale of why we shouldn’t lay down with our children, ya know one of those judgy articles written from a limited perspective. I was refreshed to see it wasn’t that at all. My parenting style has always included laying down with my kids or letting them sleep with us (safely)! In, 2014, my six year old son passed in his sleep, alone in his safe room, of SUDC (sudden unexplained death in childhood). Since then there are many nights a week that his siblings will stay with us in our room. Them being close to me, and us being close to them bring some comfort in a very deep cavern of loss after Trevor passed. There are precious moments that I will cherish always, and I will never regret that was how it was before Trevor passed to. My point is, you just never know, ever. I am blessed that I have absolutely no regrets on how I focused on my kids, including Trevor for those years. Trevor never had a sad day. We miss him dearly.
Thank you for sharing this important prespective.
Becky Mansfield says
Thank you, Kathy. I’m so sorry to hear about your sweet Trevor… my heart goes out to you. I am so glad that you left a comment today to remind us to take advantage of the hugs, snuggles & nighttime talks while we can because you never know & you can’t get those times back. Thank you.
Thinking of you.
Ralph says
I too laid down with my kids, and woke up with them in the middle of the night, and your right it was such a moving experience, I never felt closer to my children than at that time, it was wonderful.
Julie says
Gosh! I could have almost written that! I’m so glad for the wisdom of other mums who shared with me like you are doing! 4 young adult kids, and lying down next to them at night was SO important. Much better for them to talk things out and sort them in their minds before going to sleep to stew. Thanks for such a beautiful post!
Sonia Dee says
My son’s turning 6 today I lay down with him every night and I often fall asleep with him, these moments are precious to me. He’s on the autism spectrum and so energetic during the day running around and jumping from one activity to the next. When it’s time to sleep he can finally relax and we sing funny songs and he holds me tight and tells me he loves me and I close my eyes and even after an exhausting day I feel blessed to have this wonderful child in my life!
Norma says
I agree. We only have 18 years with them before things change and they begin to find their own way. In the grand scheme of things, that is a very short time. I always think of that. While mine are with me, I try to focus on them. I will have plenty of time to do my own thing, whatever that is.
Sinead connolly says
2hours ago I came down the stairs after having laid down with my 10year old son and 4year old daughter and said to my husband, why is it they want to tell you everything about their day when its time for bed? I questioned them all evening about their day at summer camp and got I forget response until I lay down with them and got told everything in fine detail. I have literally just came across this article and it really hit me. I normally lay with my 4yr old but when my 10yr old asks I normally tell him i will when im finished with your sister but then never do. I will be making a consious effort every night to make enough time to lay down with distractions to hear all their fabulous stories about their day
MER says
Please lie down with that 10 year old boy every time he asks & many times when he does not ask. He probably needs it much more than your younger daughter and the time to share like this with him will be ending so soon. Within just a couple years, he most likely will not want you to lie down for many years to come. Listening to him now will forge a strong bond to help carry him through the soon to be tumultuous teen years. It will help him to come and talk to you later (standing up in the kitchen OR when he’s alone in the car with you) about things he might otherwise be reluctant to share. I wish I could go back and do it now.
Shelly says
Thank you for this. Having ten out of eleven kids at home, I often find myself rushing around in survival mode, trying to get things done. I really needed to read this.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
10 kids at home- how amazing! I don’t know how you do one on one time with ten kids, but this one has been a wonderful way for us to keep on top of that: https://www.yourmodernfamily.com/spending-one-on-one-time-with-your-kids/
Have a great day!! 🙂
Emmy @ Parenting Uncensored says
Becky, this post really hit home for me. My 5 year old asks me to lay with him every night, and while I always do, I say the same things you do. There are always lunches to pack, dishes to wash, clothes to iron for work the next day…and more often than I’d like, I find myself saying those things to him 🙁 bargaining…5 more minutes mommy? No, how about 2 more minutes? This was a great reminder that it won’t always be like this, there will be a time when I won’t even be putting him to bed at all.
Great post!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
yep- that’s exactly how our night goes. Thanks for the comment. 🙂
Audrey says
Mine are off to college. I want a do over. I should have laid there until they feel asleep. Not left them for something more important. Because nothing else was looking back more important.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
🙂
Jess says
Audrey your comment brought tears to my eyes, I feel the same way. My oldest is in high school and I look back now wondering if I could’ve loved him better and spent more time with him and less time caring about things that don’t matter. I loved this post and I’m going to try so hard to be present in each moment and put this stupid phone down and not worry about the dishes or laundry while there are kiddos who will still let me spend time with them.
Kristen says
I like you lay with all three of my kids talking to them or singing songs. Heck I will even from time to time rock my youngest if they want. These are the moments I can look in their young eyes and see the wonders and love they have. And like u said the other things can always wait.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
So true. Thanks, kristen.
Sarah says
Well said. I have a 7 year old boy, 4 year old boy, and 2 year old girl. The last two are 16 months apart and a handful together! I have so much mom guilt at times because the last 4 years have felt like it was in survival mode! We have a tight budget, and it breaks my heart we can do certain things as a family, like trips, to build memories with the kids. I feel like my oldest misses out because the little two need so much attention. I feel like bedtime is rushed so that we can relax for a few minutes without demanding kids needing something. But, I look at them and think about how one day it’ll all be over, and it hurts my heart! Anytime I hear of a child passing away, my heart breaks. I can’t imagine losing one of mine. Thanks for your simple, yet meaningful words!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Yes- exactly how I feel…
Roan says
You are so right! I have 5 children, and the oldest is 739 miles away at college right now! There are days that I miss her so much that it physically hurts!
My youngest just turned 8, and every single night he expects me to lie down with him….. I do, and I stay until he falls asleep.
I have always rocked to sleep or laid down beside each of my children. When they are grown, I don’t want any regrets. I don’t want to look back and wish that I had held them more, or rocked them more, or laid beside them more…..I can remember when my first three were a baby, a 21 month old, and a just turned 4 year old. My husband worked late hours, so I put those three precious children to bed each night all by myself. I would get in the twin bed with the 21 month old and hold the baby (nursing him or just bouncing him). The 4yo would be in the other twin bed an arm’s length away. I would read stories and then sing songs in the dark until they all fell asleep. Then I would ease out of the room and place the baby in his crib.
Those three children are now almost 15, 16, and 18, and they are all taller than me! 🙂 But I don’t regret all of those nights for one minute. However, I will admit, that there are times when I am tired (who isn’t at bedtime?), and it’s past 10:00 PM, and the 8 and 10 yo are having a hard time settling down, and all I want to do is go downstairs and go to bed…..but I think of my almost grown children, and remember how fast the time passes. I make myself slow down and lie down with the younger two.
Great post! Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Such a great story & great reminder. Thanks for sharing (right back at you) 🙂
Lydia @ Not Afraid of the Snow says
I am expecting out first right now. This post is a great reminder for me now and I am sure that I will need to be reminded of this many times in the future.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Oh how wonderful! Good luck!!
Danielle says
Having 6 children is the best blessing I was ever given and I actively try to remember what you are speaking about daily. We have to remind ourselves often to enjoy every minute….thanks for reminding me again!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Six? You are blessed, indeed! 🙂
Tamara says
I think that all kids want us to lay with them at bedtime. If I could just get mine to bed earlier then it might work. Because once I do lay with him like you said, he wants to talk, talk, talk. Which I love but it just gets later & later. I will make more of an effort in this area. Thanks.
Vita @ VitaLivesFree says
This blog post is so beautiful. Your kids are so lucky to have you as their mum! When I am a mum one day, I hope I’ll be like you. You have truly inspired me.
Marjorie Dawson says
I work a similar thing with our cats (yes cats not kids 😉 but the premise is the same, I stop and give THEM time, as it is these moments I treasure later on. It drives the other half nuts but I stop what I am doing and hand out a few treats, give a cuddle and talk to them. It is the precious gift of time, the gift they repay a thousand fold be they child or animal – the gift they give you of trust and love.
Louise Annucci says
Everyone/thing alive, human or animal, needs love, comfort, attention and a sense of security to thrive and grow. I have a 39 yr. old daughter, (ocupation therapist working with autistic/special needs children) married and has an almist 3 yr. old son; and an almost 37 year old son (a chef/cook) and 4 cats, 8+ years old.
Every bedtime I would read their favorite books, sing favorite songs or tell a story I made up for each if them. Sometimes I would fall asleep first (I returned to work when my daughter was 5 1/2 and just started first grade and my son was 2 1/2, financial reasons), and either wake-up hours latter or when the child waiting to be read too came looking for me. No matter how tired I was I would never miss the bedtime ritual, it was just as important for me as for them, the memories…priceless. As they got older they would aak me to come into their rooms to get advice, discuss a problem or school issue, sometimes just to talk or vent about something or someone. While I sat on their beds listening, I would think about the bedtime ritual when they were young and realized that the ritual had laid the ground work for the talks we were having, and feel blessed that as teenagers or 20 something adults they wanted or needed me talk too. My daughter, and when her husband could, has read to their son since he was a baby, just like I did with her and her brother, it established the bedtime ritual early. They don’t realize yet, but they are laying the ground work for healthy communicatiins when he is older and needs to talk, or vent, etc.
As for my cats, 3 of the 4 sleep on my bed and one sleeps on my sons bed, they have done this since the day we brought them home. They have given us hours of entertainment, attention, love and affection because we raised them with those attributes which they freely give back to us. So whether it’s a baby/child or an animal, what you do or how you do it when they are young, you are laying the ground work for a great respectful relationship when they are older. I am blessed, I feel a sense of accomplishment and pride, that I raised two beautiful, wonderful children to be the adults they are and yes 4 crazy affectionate fur balls. I know I did things right, with misteps and errors on my part and agonizing and feeling guilt sometimes over what I was doing or did, for them to be the adults I see today. I know it was worthwhile and yes for the majority of the time…I did it right. So spending time, making time, giving the time and giving them “you” to your children is the most precious gift they will ever receive. So try not to miss a chance to be with them, even if you have a limited amount of time, just make sure it’s quality time, you can always make-up for lost time when you have it
Kim says
It’s so sad how quickly time passes and we no longer have the chance to lay with our kids and enjoy those few quiet moments at the end of the day when their secrets spill out.
I have two teenagers who I would lay with and sing to for hours when they were little. We had such wonderful memories of that time and it brought us so close. My teen son still is “mommy’s boy” and spills his secrets to me late at night. I wouldn’t change those moments for the world.
I do have a harder time now that I’m working to spend the same time with my younger too and I feel that loss. I’m always tired at the end of the day or trying to get those last few chores done before everyone goes to bed for the night. I’ve started trying to read to the younger too since long ago they asked me not to sing to them anymore (who knew kids could be such music critics at 4?) This opens soft conversations and quiet moments of just them and me.
As my oldest is getting ready to graduate, I have to remember that this is what it’s all about, even during the hard times. She’ll be gone soon and I’ll be left with the memories of the short nights laying together, talking, reading, and singing. Thanks for the reminder. I think I’ll take an extra few moments tonight with each of them and savor the moments.
Brianna at Mending the Piggy Bank says
Thanks so much for this! It’s coming at the right time for me as I’m beginning the transition to quitting my job in corporate America to stay at home with my kids so I CAN have that extra time I’ve been yearning for to spend with my children. Funny enough, when making the decision to become a one income family several months ago, I downloaded and read your eBook on my Kindle. I’m going to be watching my niece and nephew and started a blog in the hopes of one day generating a small bit of income from that as well, so it’s really neat for me to have you on my Comment-a-thon list and get to tell you how you personally touched my family’s life. I’d love to connect at some point. Feel free to email me (I believe you’ll get it through the comment, but it won’t be published publicly).
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
emailing you 🙂
Jennifer S. at The Doodlebug Adventures says
I think ALL mom struggle with this. As a new stay at home mom I feel I have to keep the house in tip-top shape; something I am working on! I’ve started doing less while keeping the house ‘clean’ and spending more time with my boys. They will only be home with be for another year before starting preschool. I have to cherish this time instead of say, mommy is busy, not right now, etc. Thank you so much for sharing.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
So so true!!
Emily says
Thanks for the reminder to stop and do those little things with them. My kids are getting older and it is harder but every now and then it is so good to just stop and be in the moment with them.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
agreed!
Divachyk @Relaxed Thairapy says
I need to slow down more and enjoy the moment. Thanks for sharing.
A Kerr says
My kids also like for me to spend time with them. My 2 year old especially likes to “uddle” with mommy. I agree that night times can be hard but one solution I have found is to spend the time with them at nap time. My 3 boys (5, 4, and 2) share a room and I will often sit on the floor at nap time and listen to them talk to each other. Oh the stories I hear…
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
lol! So true! ps- “uddle” – so cute. 🙂
Ashley S says
Wow, such a great reminder! It is so important to take those special moments completely in!
Patty Mejia Burke says
Oh, Becky, I so hear what you are saying! My son – who is almost 15 – used to say the same thing and I would always stop what I was doing to lay with him. Nighttime seemed like the perfect time for all of those little stories and secrets to come out. Even now that he’s a teen, he’ll call me in for a chat. I love these moments. People tell me that they’ll end, but part of me thinks they won’t…and I pray that they won’t.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I’m right there with you… praying they don’t quit.
Anastasia Carpenter says
Hi Becky, it’s so true, we need to take time to spend with our children. And when they are grown, they will take time to spend with us. My own children are grown and living their adult lives. I get to see my daughter on a regular basis as she visits with me weekly (and does her laundry). My son is in the Air Force, so distance keeps us from spending as much time together as I’d like, but we have a good relationship. Thanks for sharing!
Cherie @ In Cherie's says
YES! Thank you for reminding us the importance of stopping for a moment for our children. To be honest, I’ve learned so much after becoming a SAHM. And I’m so upset at myself for all those years lost with my 14 & 10 year olds. I look back and wonder where time went and try to remember those tuck in times when they were younger. I can’t. And that makes me made. I’m cherishing every moment now, with my children. I love this post and can’t agree more with you. BTW: Love your blog!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Aww, thanks, Cherie! You are so sweet…
Anna says
Wow! Just wow! I absolutely love the way you think and I agree. Some of my favorite moments as a child was going to bed, having mom or dad lay next to me until I fell asleep. I loved that and cherish those moments. I am trying to give the same to my son. He’s only 2 but I love being able to lay with him at bedtime, especially if it’s been a rough day. Just be able to relax, sniff his neck (do all mothers do that?) and talk about the day. I usually tell him about the day and things I really liked. I thank him for different things or tell him things he did that I’m proud of and always finish off with telling him that I love him. I think it’s tremendously important that we take a step back from our hectic lives at times and just be there for our children.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
You are so sweet (& funny!)
Dory says
I still rock my 3 yr old most nights and I pray with them every night! The questions they ask are so cute and revealing 🙂 wouldn’t miss it !!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
so true!
Angi says
Around our house it’s more like, “Will you play a game with me?” or “Can you read a book to me?” In the moments where I have something I can’t skip or push off, I schedule their request on our family calendar. I feel that it shows the importance of keeping previous commitments while showing how important our children are to us.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Great idea!!!
Rebecca says
Thanks for your encouragement. I have 4 little ones, 5 years old and under. I so often tell them to “wait” or just flat out “no, I’m busy.” I’ve started taking just one of them with me when I go run errands on the weekends – oh the conversations that take place! That one-on-one time is so important. I was challenged just yesterday to SLOW DOWN and enjoy my kids. Thanks for your message…I was really needing it.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Your little ones are so close in age like ours (7, 5, 3, 1) 🙂
I”m glad it came at the right time.
Shane says
I have to say that as a single Father of two beautiful girls, age 4 and 6 the heading caught my eye. I was curious to see how similar a Mother’s experience was to the question I can see all of our kids ask, “will you lay with me”? Seems to me that the experience is all universal.
My oldest is notorious for asking this question every single night. Every single night I try and oblige this request. It’s one of the best parts of the day for me. We snuggle up, we laugh, we chat. It’s a real bonding experience for me and I am sure for her as well. I try not to spoil her, but for me it’s hard because I enjoy it so much and I know that this is not going to last forever 🙁 The only time I really put the kabbash down is if the kids have gotten into bed later than is normal and they have school the next day. Most nights I end up falling asleep with her in my arms for an hour. It really just melts my heart.
My youngest is almost the opposite of my older baby. Most nights she wants me out so she can go to sleep haha. Maybe one day she’ll say to me, “just two more minutes please?”, just like her older sister so I can enjoy it with her as much as I do with her sister.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Keep trying with the little one! Our son was this way (our 4 year old) until just a few months ago & now he wants me to “sleep by me” which just means lie down and close my eyes for a second while HE sings ME a song… I’ll take it! haha! 🙂 I love that you commented on this- thank you!
Dawn says
Great reminder Becky! I have one who still asks me to lay down at night and snuggle.With older kids it is fewer and far between, it is so important to create the memories when we can. I also learned, long ago, when they came to me, stopping for the little bit of time, never really took away from the things I needed to accomplish. The Lord orders our days and He can help us to complete those tasks when we take that time to minister to that misssion field right in our own home.
Blessings!
Dawn
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Such great advice, Dawn.
Anne says
thank you for the reminder. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the business of life and our schedules that we overlook precious times when our children really need us(especially if they don’t ask those favours all the time). I guess its important to be sensitive.
Amber says
Love love love this post! Thank you so much! I am mommy to a 9 month old little guy who is full of smiles and just loves to cuddle. We co-sleep and for naps he does best when we are holding him in the rocker. I have so many people tell me I need to sleep train, but I have some of the same thoughts in your post (and of all the comments I have read). They are only little once. Soon he will be grown and I will never wish I had cuddled less. Thank you for the encouragement to follow my heart with raising him.
Liz says
It is so important to remember to take the time for the little moments in life. Things pass by us before we realize how much they mean to us.
Carol Z says
Lovely post. The quiet times are the times we really talk to those we love. Your kids have a very sweet mom!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thanks, Carol.
Leila says
Either my older two did not ask this of me, or I brushed them off with “I’m too busy” and don’t remember, but I take advantage with my youngest (now 1) and usually cave in with my older two. Right now, my 1 year old still sleeps with us. She starts in her crib (in our room) and then usually ends up in our bed. People/Family criticize but this is my last baby and I will cherish every second. My big kids ask to sleep in our bed or in our room and I don’t turn them away anymore. I savor every chance I can have with them. One, you never know when today is the last day and two, time goes far too quickly. Soon, none of them will want to sleep with me or lay down with me or cuddle with me. Sometimes we brush them aside and don’t realize until it’s too late. Your post both broke my heart for the loss of those children, but warmed me as a reminder to slow down and love my children.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
THanks for writing that, Leila. I completely agree- it is hard to realize how much each moment counts.
Ali Gilbert says
I totally understand! Mine is only 18 months old, but I get caught up in busy life and she is growing so quick. I need to slow down and spend quality time, the other things will take care of themselves. Thanks for the reminder.
Jenny @ Women With Intention says
This is great! I hear that every night as well and it is hard when there are other fires still burning but I try to do my best and give everybody their own time and love. We have 5 and by bedtime I am exhausted but I have also found that this is one of the best times to bond. Thank you for the post!
DeBalino says
This post couldn’t have come at a better time. I have been struggling trying to get my little one into her own bed at night. Since we started trying to get her to be more independent with going to sleep – our hearts break a little more each night she cries for us. We still go and tend to her, but the fact that she even has a split second of fear because we’re not right there next to her… it just causes so much turmoil for my husband and I. Needless to say, we have decided she is just not ready to close her eyes and go to sleep without us next to her – and we decided to lay next to her. And wouldn’t you know it? Not one tear, full, consolidated sleep – for all of us. I know your post isn’t necessarily about sleep – but rather spending those special moments with our kids and really allowing ourselves to enjoy these moments. But your post really hit home for me – at the perfect time. Your son’s request just melts my heart. Wonderful post and reminder! Thank you!
Desiree Arpin says
This is a great reminder to slow down and see that our kids want us. I have three kids, and I am extremely emotional. I try my best to be there for each of them equally. I sometimes lose sight of the fact that they do still need me to comfort them.
Michelle Jones says
My youngest actually curls up with me or my husband every night and falls asleep in the living room and then my hubs will carry him to bed. He’s 4 and 48 lbs!! We still have not mastered making him go to bed with his brother. Maybe because he’s our youngest and we don’t want to end the cuddle time? His older brother has to be asleep or it’s a long battle and he’ll wake up lil Nathan…I have seen many families lose a child tragically and I know that our time with them is always too short. For now, this is what works for us. It’s funny I came across your post this morning because after dropping him to school that was the exact thought that was crossing my mind, was when are we going to break this habit of carrying him to bed every single night?
Teresa says
It’s true, kids do grow up too quickly! It’s good that you realize the time spent with them is precious. Other things can wait. They’re only that age for a little while.
Tanai Goldwire says
You are soooo right! It is so easy to get caught up in tasks that we miss moments. I want to treasure every moment with my little one before he is off somewhere making the world a better place and my call goes to voicemail. He’s only 1 so I am looking forward to him asking me to tuck him in.
Eytan Rodin says
My wife and I have 5 kids, aged 18 down to 7. I’m at my personal worst around bedtime and in the mornings and that’s when my kids seem to need the most attention. Years ago, I took on the responsibility of getting them up in the morning and getting them ready for school (my wife usually has to go into work before I do), and putting them to bed at night. I realized early on that my kids are at their personal best at bedtime (one of the times I mentioned, I’m at my personal worst). I try hard to not rush through bedtime rituals (prayers, etc.) and some golden moments happen then, just as you described. I scream at my kids, criticize them, tell them how much they frustrate me, and tell them to improve whatever needs improvement, but I also praise them and try to give them as much time as they want, which is less and less, the older they get, and in the end, my kids know I love them fiercely, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them. Your article is right on the money. If they want kisses, cuddling, time together – the hardest thing, I never deny them if I have the option to give them what they want. My kids are the greatest thing in my life – my greatest accomplishment. You can tell me I’m smart or nice or handsome or whatever, but you can pay me no higher compliment than to say that one of my kids is well-mannered or nice. Fatherhood is a great great thing and these absentee fathers miss the boat entirely. They’re missing out on the beauty in life. With five kids and a small business, I still have time to socialize with friends regularly and fulfill other obligations. Pay attention to your kids, because they won’t always be kids and they won’t always want to spend time with you. Sleep when you’re dead 😉
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
My grandma used to tell me that “enjoy your kids now because one day you will be too old to run around with them, so you can sit around then” 🙂 lol.
Shell says
My 7y/o asks me this all the time. “I want someone to lay down next to me.” I say no a lot of the time because I have other things to do and I’m tired. But when I do say yes, we have the sweetest moments. I need to say yes more often.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Same here, with our 7 year old… 🙂
Mo says
This is great! So true…they will be gone in a blink of an eye. My baby will be 16 in a couple of months, but I always used to lay down with her at bedtime. Even on those nights when that was the last thing I wanted to do. Enjoy it, these moments are so fleeting.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
16? Wow- I can’t imagine that day.. I’m sure it will come too soon!
Tricia says
Ah the end of the day is so tough, isn’t it? I always feel compelled to rush to the finish line, get to done as soon as I possibly can. But you’re right. This is when the good info comes out, every time.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
That’s just it- I feel rushed to get them in bed & have a little time to ourselves and get them to sleep to avoid sleepy kids in the morning… but then we miss out on some great stuff!
Leslie says
This made me cry~ I have 3.5 year old and 21 month old boys and my 3.5 year old wants me to lay with him every night. AND I DO. I don’t care if the house is a mess or if I fall asleep in his bed before he does. It IS that time that we connect most than any other time of the day. I hope that I can maintain this bond with my sons. I love them and these days and I hope they last forever. 🙂
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I love that! Thanks for sharing!
Theres Just One Mommy says
Such an absolutely beautiful post.
Laying with my son each night, listening to what’s in his head, is my favorite part of the day.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Agreed. 🙂
Sophia says
You hit home with this one! I experience this almost every night with at least 1 of my 3 kiddos (9,6,4)
Thank you!!!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
🙂 I’m glad!! 🙂 Your kids are close in ages to mine (8, 6, 4, 2)
Ashley says
This was a great reminder for me. As a wife and mother of 3 small children and a 9 year old, I’m always saying “maybe tomorrow” or “only for a few minutes”. With my 9 year old, I already miss the days when she needed me more. This post makes it even more real. Tomorrow night, I will lay with my 2 year old for as long as she’d like, even if I’ve got other things that need done. Thank you for this.
Bellebyashley.blogspot.com
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I have to remind myself of it often, too..
Tiffany says
Well this just absolutely made me cry! I too am always “too busy” and, in fact, most days I don’t even tuck my kids in to bed because we want “independent children”. I’m tossing that out the window TODAY! I can’t wait to lay with them the next time they ask 🙂
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Aww- I’m glad that you liked it!
Lucy Donley says
Oh Wow! With tears in my eyes, thank you for this post! I’m so guilty of this! Because I’m so busy and want to leave my house spotless at night , because I want independent children, because I want perfection! NOT ANYMORE!!!
My children 10, 5 & 2 always want me to lay with them and I give them all the excuses ever, just to do what I think is right….
I will do the RIGHT THING from now on! I WILL LAY WITH THEM! 🙂
Thank you again!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Oh- I’m so glad that you liked it!!
Joanna says
This bit is what it’s all about to me:
“If it adds twenty minutes onto the end of our night, when our fuses are low and our exhaustion is high, that is twenty more minutes that I was lucky enough to have spent with our children…. listening, encouraging, telling them the unspoken words that say: TODAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME. ”
I lay with my boy until he’s asleep most nights. He *can* go to sleep without me (and does if he is having a little sleepover) but why should he? He wants me and I want to be with him so we cuddle and talk until he nods off. It never usually takes more than 15 minutes and it’s a lovely, safe, reassuring way for him to end the day. I work freelance from home in the evenings plus I have all the usual ‘mum’ chores to do but it’s worth spending that extra time together. For the record he is a happy, independent and very confident little boy 🙂
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
how sweet!
mylernh says
I cherish those moments, laying down with my kids…. sometimes it is difficult to strike that balance, needing to “make it quick” because so much else is waiting to get done. My kids get 5 minutes on some nights and 20 on others, and at times they kick me out prematurely, lol. I am especially making sure that I make myself available to lay down with my ten year old as he still needs to connect with me in that way. I know those days are going to be few and far between very soon so I cherish them. I think it’s ok to set limits on this because you are totally right in that you give them 20, then it’s 40 minutes, etc. and kids need to learn to fall on their own too. I do find that my 10 year old opens up and talks with me about what is going into in his mind and in his life so I will never put an end to put night-time snuggles as long as he still needs me in that way!!
mylernh says
*typo correction, “Fall asleep on their own, not “fall on their own”
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Lol- first I checked the post to see if I wrote that (the typo) b/c I have been known to type so fast & just read it over without catching my own mistakes. 🙂 lol!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Yes. 🙂
Carmen N says
My daughter has a stay-at-home dad, but she’s almost four and really misses having her mom nearby. It drags out the time I spend putting her to bed but I have always laid down with her to get a bit more one-on-one time. We get ready for bed, Papa reads a couple stories, then it’s prayers and lights out. Back when she first started talking I implemented the “what did you do today?” game. i wanted her to learn to appreciate what each day would bring, and it’s interesting to hear what she considers important. If it takes more than 20 min I might leave after she settles down but before she’s asleep but these days she’s no longer taking a nap and sometimes we don’t even make it through the game before she’s asleep 🙂
Jen Raab says
Thank you for such an important post. Our small community suddenly lost 2 young children over the summer. A 6 yr old girl in a terrible car accident, and an 8 yr old boy just died suddenly, of a still unknown cause. It brought our community together, as their deaths happened within a month of the other. It is a reminder how precious life is. Thank you for writing it so well.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Oh, how sad. 🙁
i’m glad that this post touched your heart.
Heather says
Guilty… Thank you for the {beautifully written} reminder! Just the other night I was lying with my oldest {who recently turned 8 yrs old} and told him how much I love our time together at night. I told him it was especially sweet for me because I know in a few years he’ll say he doesn’t need me to be with him at bedtime. {He didn’t believe me, but I know the day is coming sooner than I’d like.}
Brittany Bullen says
Becky,
This is just beautiful. I’m right there with you– it’s hard sometimes when there are other things to do, but it’s so true that these little moments are the ones we’ll miss the most.
Don’t you just love it when a baby (or even a big kid) falls asleep in your lap? Is there anything more precious than watching them sleep? Well, maybe when they reach for you and say “mama” for the first time… wow, there are so many beautiful parts of motherhood, aren’t there?
Thanks for the reminder.
Brittany
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
🙂 Thanks you, too!
Clarice says
This post is so good. Just what I need right now. My seven year old son asks me to tuck him in and snuggle almost every night. He even tells me that he prefers me over Daddy, but I do alternate nights with my husband. It’s so true that the really good and important stuff comes out during this time. We are working on sharing feelings and talking through problems and worries. He is a highly sensitive and anxiety prone child and he needs reassurance that he is loved, he is safe sharing his deepest thoughts and feelings, and that he is important to me. It’s hard to balance enough time for each individual child and keeping up with everything else our life requires, it’s too easy to delay or forego that special bonding time, but it is so necessary.
Lindy says
Thanks for this article, I’ve been torn in two between should I always lie with them when they’re supposed to give me a break or should I just be disciplined and tell them to sleep when it’s sleep time. This article helped me to decide thank you!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Great 🙂 thanks for your comment, too. 🙂
Single mom says
My 8 yr old daughter just pinned this to her pinterest board (on my account). I think this is God reminder for me to continue to cherish those moments. I have found myself in the position as a single mom, now with only half the time I once had with my children (6 and 8). I was forced to go back to work this year as a result of my situation after being a stay at home mom. Often I find myself weary and frustrated at bedtime because of all my responsibilities, but i think they need me there more than ever as their world has suddenly been turned upside down. When I do lay with them, I often end up falling asleep, but the time and the sleep is probably more necessary than the dirty dishes, messy house, and all the little things that could be let go for another day or two or three….:) Thanks for the reminder and encouragement.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Oh my goodness- that is just the sweetest thing that she pinned it- she must love her Mama!
Ps- I fall asleep laying with them, too!
Jen Schreiner says
this is the favorite part of my day. Cuddle time and talks
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Mine, too!
Melissa @ A Virtuous Woman says
When my first three children were little bedtimes were a battle. When my fourth and fifth babies came along I began laying with them at night until they fell asleep and those memories are precious to me. I wish I had done that with my older kids.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Love that!
Crystal & Co. says
This is so amazing and so true. This season is so very short. Enjoy every minute and always make time.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Isn’t it? Makes my heart break to think about it being over.
Jenn T says
And what do you suggest we say to the second child as we’re laying with the first child? “When I’m done laying with your brother”, “Not now, I’m busy”? Or am I supposed to say “Boy, I have to go lay with your sister now so she doesn’t think I love her less than you”? The sentiment is very touching and I agree that laying with our children is important for the very reasons you state, but I can’t lay with one without neglecting the other…how do you suggest I remedy this?
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Well- I don’t think that 3-5 minutes of cuddle time will result in other neglected children (I should hope not) but if it would, I suppose that I would say “You’ll have to wait your turn”… a lesson that they will need to learn in life anyway. 🙂
Jane Joyce says
Your messages are greatly inspiring! Need some of that information to manage my own home.
Kayleen says
You lay in bed every night with your seven year old boy? You’re going to have more than just memories in 10+ years, you’re going to have a man with major attachment issues! You do realize the cord needs to be cut, for the boy’s sake! Sure feel bad for his future wife!!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I don’t think that a 3 minute cuddle time will cause attachment issues… a close relationship, maybe but attachment issues? I should hope not. 🙂 If so, all four of our kids (8, 6, 4, 2) are going to have it, because I hug and cuddle all of them. 🙂
Sherre says
You are right, they talk so much at bedtime. As teenagers mine still ask for 5 minutes for me to sit and talk with them. I work the night shift now and I really do miss that. Loved reading a book to all of them (have 4 boys) and then sitting on each of their beds for a few minutes. Then they get talking and spend more time. Mine are well adjusted and one is 18 and will go in the military next year. They don’t have any issues and I even (GASP!) let them sleep in my bed a lot. Should make them better husbands to sit down and talk with their wives in the evenings after the practice of sharing their activities and feelings of the day. Everyone likes undivided attention from a parent.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
hahah! I love that.
Delta says
“Mama’s boys”, which I believe it what you are alluding to, Kathleen, are produced from coddling, not cuddling. I am assuming you don’t have a background in child development. This was a beautiful reminder to stop and smell the roses. I don’t even have children and I was touched. Thank you for sharing your heart, Becky.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you! I agree… loving and hugging your child should never be seen as a negative thing.
Ps- Four years of child development studies here. 😉
Mackenzie says
Actually, having a close relationship with your child causes your child to grow up to be healthy emotionally stable adults because they felt secure in their attachments. Also, the time before bed is the best time to catch up on the day’s events because they are more likely to tell you the things that are bothering them at home, school, or with friends because they have your undivided attention. Spoiling a child happens when discipline is withheld not when love is given freely. Maybe you should do some research on “Failure to Thrive” and Romanian Orphanages to understand how secure attachments play a key role in all areas of growth and development. It is in having a secure safe base that we feel able to explore the bounds of our world. Maybe taking a step back, Kayleen, and evaluating your own parenting style and your own personal childhood is in order before you start criticizing others.
Bally Takiar says
What a beautiful story. Time spent with our children is time invested in their mental and emotional health and well being. We under estimate the power of our presence. I have seen this unfold with my 5 year old. The more time I spend with her, the greater her self confidence and of course her stories that she loves to share with us.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
THank you!! 🙂
Tanya Patxot says
This is precious =). Our children have their love language and your son’s seems to be time and he gets you when he knows things are slowing down. That’s precious I love hanging out t bed time we read or talk. You block out the world and chores and ensure they are good. Precious time they will remember and pass on to their children. Way to go mom. Many would not do what you do and wonder why their children are unhappy and have behavioral issues.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you, Tanya. 🙂
I love the love languages- I would love to read the one for kids. (ps- so true… ‘block out the world’)
Ellen says
Love this! I am a grandma of 17 now and they are growing up quickly too! Time passes so quickly! Cherish every moment you have like this. You will never regret it.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
You are so kind, Ellen. 🙂 Thank you.
17? You are BLESSED… 🙂
Cassandra Stone says
I could not agree with you more. The other day my 5 year old asked me to lay down with her at nap time. My instinct was to tell her I had other things to do or that she needed to nap right now and momma needed a moment alone but lately I have been so aware of how quickly she is growing and thank goodness I gave in. She snuggled up close, we fell asleep and that is all she could talk about. She knows it can’t happen all the time but it impacted her and when she is 14 and our relationship gets a little harder, I am praying moments like those bring her back into my arms. I love your heart and DO NOT give up on this. I know God as our parent will sit with us or “lay down” with us ANY TIME we ask. I want to be gracious and loving like Him.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thanks, Cassandra. How sweet!!
Nana says
I loved this post. I am now Nana (retired). 2-3-almost 5 year old little girls all the same family. They are the delight and light of my life. They stay over for beloved sleepovers often and now as the Nana, I do find the time to lie with each of them at bedtime. It is a coveted, and precious time I have come to love. You are right, it is the time of the day that things are said. Memory making things. I wish I had the presence of mind to make the time when my children were young to spend that precious time with them.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I love that you are doing this with your grandchildren. I have fond memories of sitting and talking to my grandma (how she just listened to me, uninterrupted, while I went on and on…) 🙂
Thank you for sharing!!
Erinn says
My daughter is 15 and I still give her a kiss goodnight after she lies down to bed. Every once in awhile she’ll ask me to snuggle her. How lucky is that? My 15 year old still wants me close? This article made me tear up because I too often make an excuse. She’s going to be out in the world before I know it and it kills me to realize that she won’t always live with me. Thanks for the reminder that I need to seize those moments while I have the. 🙂
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
That’s so sweet!
Laurie says
We have one night a week where are girls(4)and (2) get to sleep in our bed, usually not a school night. But I will never forget when my daughter asked while we where talking and laughing. My four year old asked..”Mommy, when I get to heaven mommy, will you teach me how to fly?”…instant tears to this day when I think about it. They get so excited and we get to talk the night away. Moments I will never forget. Just be.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Oh my goodness- be still my heart! 🙂
Amy says
This was such a great read. You nailed it. Just a couple of hours ago, I was being asked the same thing and replying with the same thing. Knowing in the back of my mind that laying down with my 7 year old for five minutes is the easiest thing I would have to do all day. Laying down. It is something I want to do all day! Even though I said I couldn’t, I still went back in and rested with her for a while. I told her a funny story about when I was little and she loved it. Of course she wanted me to stay when I said time was up, but I’m happy I went back in. “7” may seem old compared to 2 or 3, but 7 is so tiny, so little and five minutes snuggling in bed with that little 7 year old meant the world to her tonight. Every night. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I don’t think I will ever deny her snuggle time ever again.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
🙂 Thank you for telling me. I”m so glad that you liked it.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I couldn’t agree more!! Thank you!
RR says
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 15 minutes before I read this, I was almost yelling at my daughter to stop calling for me, that I needed to get things done etc etc. Then this popped up on my facebook feed and I almost started crying. I put down my laptop and ran upstairs and told her that I was happy to lay with her until she fell asleep and that she is important. Thank you so much for this – I feel like I have messed up trying to train my child to sleep perfectly so that I can have balance but THIS, everything you wrote, is far more important than all this balance I am trying to achieve.
So tonight, I will get to bed a little later than I wanted, and not get as much done as I wanted, but to read all these comments about how moms of older kids laid with their kids and are close with them now, makes me realize that the to do list can wait. My goal in life is to be close to my daughter as she grows and when she is grown, I just didn’t know fully how to do it, but I think this is apart of it. Thank you.
Thank you again, I needed this.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
How amazing. Thank you for sharing that with me. It touched my heart.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
That is so wonderful to hear. That made my day!
luisa says
Love it! I just shared it 🙂
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you, Lulsa.
Patrick says
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this article. I was criticized while married and still continue to be criticized by this person (now my ex) for lying with my daughter (she is seven and I was even accused of doing something lewd during the divorce). The bottom line is that the bond I have with my little girl is and always has been a million times better than what she has with her mother. I didn’t forsake my child for any one or any thing- like my career.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Agreed- laying with your child is just your way of giving them a few minutes of uninterrupted attention that they need.
Damion says
I would say, “You are using totally incorrect grammar. Lay is to put or place, as in to lay a fork on a table. Lie is to rest or recline, as in,’Mommy will you lie with me?’ Proper grammar is important.”
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Hmm… true. I just say “Yes”. 🙂
Laura says
You’re right, that is when the really good stuff comes out. I’ve been reading to my daughter at bedtime and then snuggling up with her until just after she falls asleep for more than 7 years now. We also say prayers and talk and I sing to her. I’ve missed very few nights and when I have, she’s called me for the songs. Bedtime is my favorite time of day. Thank you for sharing with folks how special a time it can be!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
🙂 I could sing them lullabies constantly! (I love to sing! haha!)
Michelle says
Thank you for this. Some of the best conversations I’ve had with my boys (now 15 and 13) has been late at night when they were “supposed to be sleeping”. I wouldn’t have traded it for anything. When I had my boys I had an expectation that they would be somewhat cold and distant, reserved. They are anything but. To this day they give me hugs and want to snuggle with me on the couch watching TV. And I think it’s because I spent that time with them way back when, in the dark when life seems a little scarier and you just need your Mom.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
yes! It might be their way of putting off going to sleep, but it is also when they open up and share everything. 🙂
Jennifer says
Becky,
We also know two families who lost their boys tragically. I always told my self I won’t take anything for granted with our three children. Everyday is a gift. Thank you for this beautiful reminder of what is truly important. We have an almost 12 yr old son, a nine yr old daughter, and a just turned three yr old son. Often times the youngest gets my time at bedtime leaving the other two on their own. My husband works nights and its hard to be there for all three. I am going to change the way I do things from now on. I don’t want to look back ten years from now and regret not making time for all of them.
They all still ask for me to snuggle with them from time to time and that is a blessing.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
We had to arrange our schedule for it, too. I send them all to their rooms to read and then I go to each room and tuck them in. Its about 30-40 minutes a night to get all 4 tucked in and snuggled up for the night. 🙂
Diana says
Thank you so much for the wonderful reminder about how special time with our kids are. I literally just read this after telling my 4 year old that I didn’t have time to play another game of Go Fish, but that I had things to do. While yes, there are things to do, I think from now on I want to word it differently, so they don’t think those “chores” are more important than time with them. Maybe, “How about we do laundry and dishes together, and then we can play another game?” To them, spending time with us us a huge priority, and I totally agree that we won’t get this time back. Thanks for the wonderful post!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you! 🙂
Amy DeVos says
Great article! My husband and I used to fight with our son each night at bedtime. He would get out of bed 4-5 times, calling for us with a million and one excuses: “I forgot to kiss you goodnight” (we had all done hugs and kisses already), “I have to pee” (even though he went before bed), etc., etc. Then, he asked us once to lay with him. I said I would but I had the same answer as you…”Just for a bit, no more than two songs” [he falls asleep each night to his favourite Rock-a-Baby U2 cd].
Then, something miraculous happened. He stayed in bed. He didn’t have a million and one excuses to get out of bed. We snuggled and chatted briefly about the day or about tomorrow. And now, on average, he is fast asleep within a few minutes or two songs automatically without me having to say “Just for two songs” when it used to be a good half hour of struggle each night! AND…I find myself often staying for an extra song even though he’s fallen asleep already just to lay there and snuggle and watch him sleep cuz once he gets older, this will be ‘Gross Mom!” 🙂
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
haha!! That’s so sweet though!
Layne says
i love this article. My three kiddos are 2.5 and 7 months (two are twins) and even though they are young I think of these coming and the nights my mom had with when we would ask. I want to be that mom that gives that extra time to our kids and look forward to these moments. Thanks for this!!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Aww- those ages are so fun!
Thank you for your sweet comment.
roche says
thanks for the reminder! love your site 🙂
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you.
Cait Fitz @ My Little Poppies says
I love everything about this post. It’s so important to take the time to just BE with our children, despite the daily shuffle. In our house, my kids call this a “snuggle party” 🙂
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Ha!! Love that!
Kathy says
I love this idea. Here’s the idea I had to combat my 5 littles begging for my snuggles at night. Each of them gets a weeknight and Daddy “gets the weekend” (basically, Mommy gets a break!). This has been a great time for me to be with each one. My oldest (8) saves up questions for a conversation and likes when I read to her. The littlest girl likes to sing with me. The others have their favorites too. It’s usually only about 10 -15 minutes, but each child knows that they have mommy’s attention on that night!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
That’s a great idea for a large family!
Tammy Snyder says
For every Mom and Dad out there in internet land, please think about incorporating this into your evening ritual almost every night. I did, over 20 years ago. And funny thing? It still happens with my 27 year old daughter when she comes back home into the country. (And I am confident that my daughter who died over 9 years ago would be the same way.) I.WOULD.NOT.TRADE.ANY.OF.THAT.TIME.FOR.ANYTHING. We had the best conversations, times to encourage them, time to pray for them and time to cuddle with them. Did I fall asleep sometimes? You bet! And they would nudge me to wake up because I was snoring. lol Were the dishes still downstairs waiting for to be washed? Was the laundry waiting to be folded for the third night in a row? Absolutely! But more importantly, my daughters’ hearts were there waiting to be nurtured and loved and their voices were waiting to be heard. The chores and the sleep can wait… their growing up doesn’t.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you for posting this!! Agreed – everything else can wait, but the relationship that is growing between you and your child cannot. 🙂
Thanks, Tammy!
Susan says
I needed to read this today. I lost a child over 5 years ago and completely understand how life can turn on a dime. I went from being a Type A to a Type B instantly. I didn’t care if the dishes were done, or if the floor was swept. I would go out and push him on the swing. Many times I left the kitchen chores to the next day, knowing how precious life is and how quickly they grow up. I’ve always laid down with my son, but there are times that I’m tired and I need to finish my work, send emails, take a shower, whatever, and I tell him no. I have the same thoughts about him expecting it, waiting to hear, “I can’t sleep without you lying down with me.” It’s also the same about giving an inch and taking a mile. As the years have gone by I noticed that things return to as normal as you can get after your child dies. With that comes forgetting how todays quickly turn into tomorrows and the “Just for 5 minutes,” or “Not tonights,” come more easily. Thank you for reminding me of what is truly important. Gotta go. It’s almost bedtime!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Oh goodness- I’m so sorry. I wish that I had the right words to tell you how I feel after reading that. Thank you for leaving your story for me to read. Thank you for reminding me what is important, too.
Alison says
I have some of these same feelings all the time and your article just swayed me to stop writing in my blog about my kids and go lay with them for just one more minute. They grow up so fast and really how much one on one time to I get with each of them. I should cherish the times they do want to snuggle. Thank you for reminding me of that tonight.
Alison
theguiltymommy.com
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thanks, Alison! They do grow up fast, don’t they? Too fast…
Ellen HS says
My son Caleb died on September 3, 2013. He didn’t quite make it to 7… forever 6. Lying down with him was my favorite thing in the world.
Thank you for “getting it” and spreading the word!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Ellen, I am so sorry. Reading your story gave me the chills and makes my heart break for your loss. Thank you for taking the time to comment on this- it means more than you know.
Praying for you…
Brandy says
Thanks for the reminder, I am a stay at home mom and I catch my self saying all of what you put in your article. She is almost in school and I know I will miss her. Thanks again we all need to slow down and enjoy our blessings from God.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thanks, Brandy! You’ll miss her next year. I love when 3:30 rolls around and the kids are all home again! 🙂
jami says
I love this article. and it reinforces my disappointment with myself for allowing other things to come first. It is not intentional, its just that I am the only one responsible for my two care. thank you for being informative about stuff no one wants to talk about. this was awesome!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Its never intentional for me, either. It serves as a reminder for me, as well. 🙂
Jeanne says
My daughter is now 14 and up until she was 12 she asked me to lay with her every night. Sometimes it stretched out to long then became a habit but I got that under control. I had the same experience you did. Those moments are when my daughter just told me everything that was on her mind. I used to say “my daughter doesn’t share with me, I’m afraid she is keeping her good/bad feelings inside” then realized literally her safe place was in her bed just before sleep and whatever was going on came out. Each day when I ask how school was or if anything good happened, I received “fine, OK,
Good” them at night in 10 minutes she would share all the real things I wanted to hear about. Sometimes we end up giggling about something and get out of control laughing but those are the best moments ever. To know my daughter goes to sleep with a smile on her face, or a little releif from a problem warms my heart! I don’t think you can share this post to much! 10 minutes of “just lay down beside me”time at bedtime can make problems disappear, and fill hearts with love! Thank you! Jeanne
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
🙂 Love that, Jeanne!!!
Dean Celia says
My daughter (now 26) used to wrap her little finger around my belt loop when i lay with her. ‘So that you can’t get away, Daddy.’ So sweet. I miss that!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
oh my goodness- how sweet is that?!
Kris czerwan says
Can you lay with me mommy? This was a great reminder of the need to slow down & enjoy the moment, while we still can! My 14 yr old daughter talks more in the car when it’s just the 2 of us. But my 17 year ols son STILL likes to lay in our bed, playing on his ipod, until I “happen” to go in my room for something. Usually, our dog follows me in & jumps on the bed which leads to the 3 of us snuggling. You wouldn’t believe the things I’ve learned in those short moments! My son opens up to me through the dog, telling him about his day, but the awaiting my replies to what he’s said. I just LOVE these special times, and know they are now quickly coming to an end. So I, too, say TAKE those extra 5 minutes, tune out your mental list of things yet to do, and lay with your child. You will never be sorry you “wasted” that time!! Thank you, Becky, for reminding me how special these times are!! Fantastic article!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
haha!!
Thank you so much for commenting & sharing your story! (My husband says that about car rides with our kids – he loves the one on one car trips for that reason)
Suzanne says
How convicting! Last night my boys asked to sleep together and my 12YO said ‘I’ll tuck Andrew in” about his 9YO brother. When I went in to check on the and kiss thm goodnight, the little one is as crying about something that happened at school. I never would have known if I hadn’t gone in to spend time with them. Work is never finished, but our time with our children is limited.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Oh goodness- thank you for sharing that story with me!
Chris Rush says
Totally agree with you. Part of our nighttime routine with my 9 yr old daughter includes me going in to lay down with her after my wife says goodnight. It’s usually about 10 minutes and sometimes she wants me to scratch her back, sometimes we goof around and get “in trouble” for laughing too loud (might wake up her two year old brother) but often we just chat. And it is a time that I am able to connect with her about her day and her faith. We will discuss things that at other points in the day if I asked about would get a one word response. The ironic thing is that while it is hard to commit those minutes each night (more than time well spent of course) I am dreading the day that the routine changes. She’s growing up fast.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
haha- yes, we do the back-scratching here, too!! 🙂 I told our son last week “You just love me for my nails” haha!!! Yes- it is hard to commit- 10 minutes doesn’t seem like much, until it is nighttime and we are exhausted. 🙂
nicole says
this is why when either of my kids would like me to sleep with them I do, eventually they wont and I dont want to miss those special moments of lying in the dark discussing “stuff”
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Exactly! 🙂
Jacinta says
Our little man is 21 months old and our normal nightly ritual is, after big sis goes to bed (she is 12) and daddy goes to bed and it is just Cavin and I we turn out all the lights leaving only the TV on. We then curl up in the recliner and kick it all the way back snuggle up tight and I whisper “I love you” several times as he drifts off to sleep.
Now this wasn’t always the way I did it. I could not wait for him to go to bed so I could catch up on the days chores. Then one year ago today a lady in our church who had a son just 3 months older than our son got a call that no mother wants. Daycare called and said that her son had passed away in his sleep. He had just turned 1 the day before.
Life is far too short to worry about the dirty dishes, the floor that needs swept, the basket of laundry that needs done/folded/ put away. If Cavin wants to sit and cuddle I try to stop what I am doing and spend that time with him, You are not guaranteed tomorrow so I try and cherish today.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Oh no- that’s so sad! I can’t imagine that phone call. Cherish the moments that we have. You are so right.
Kathy says
Love this! We are parents who lie down with our girls ages 5 and 7. The problem is we end up falling asleep for up to 2 hours in their beds!?! Sometimes we want to leave before falling asleep but we get meltdowns from our 5 year old.
HELP! Any suggestions?
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Sometimes I will give them a time on the clock: “When this number is a 9, I am going to leave your room.” 🙂
Hope that helps! You could also do a sticker chart- if you stay in here without crying when I leave, you can put a sticker on the calendar in the morning. If you get three, we will play a special game.”
Lynnz says
I had very sensitive, enlightened parents in the 1950’s! My dad would come in and sing to me while mom read stories to my little brother. Then, they would switch places. Some of the best childhood memories of being loved and treasured came from these bedtime rituals. Until my own son was 8 or 9, I would spend lots of time with him at bedtime. Then, my husband took a very demanding, physical job and would always be sound asleep before I finished with the bedtime routine. I had to choose to be with him over our child most nights after that, something I regret to this day. My son his in his 20’s now, and I know he still needed me as he got through early childhood. Wish I’d had a good solution way back when.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you for sharing that. We can only do what we know to be best at the time. You seem like such a loving Mama (and so much like me feeling guilty for things! lol!)
Ali says
Hi Becky,
This post hit home but then when you mentioned, Toora Loora Loora, I teared up. It is a song that has been passed down in my Irish family since the early 1900’s. I could relate to everything you said. They are only so small for such a small period of time…I want to lay with them as long as I can! Thank you for the beautiful article.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Oh- thank you, Ali!! (Ps- our daughter’s name is Allie) 🙂
Rudey says
Love this! Especially, “telling them the unspoken words that say: TODAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME. ” it is hard at the end of the bedtime routine to stay, but it’s when my 5 and 8 year old spill it all. It’s when my youngest asks me to sit by her for 30-50-60, which equates a long time.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
🙂 Same thing in our house!
Brandy says
Thank you for this. I have a 5 year old son as well and he asks me to lay with him all the time and I always say for just a minute. We were recently blessed with twin girls who are almost 8 months now. We try to put the babies down the same time as him to save our sanity but it doesn’t always work especially when my husband isn’t home. I see my sons little heart break on the days when I say I can’t lie down tonight. He knows why but it’s still hard to tell him no. Especially since the arrival or his sisters was harder on him than anyone else. We had to move to a bigger house and he changed schools and lost a lot of the attention he was getting from us all the time cause he was an only child. Thank you again for this post cause it is very personal to me right now and you’re right even if I have things to do, when he asks I should be there with him cause he won’t it forever!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I’m so glad that it helped. I can relate. Sometimes it just can’t happen, but at least we know enough to make the effort on nights when it can. 🙂
Rachel @ Reflective Mom says
Oh I needed to hear this! My 2 year old says (constantly throughout the day), “Nuggle wid me!” And while I do stop and “nuggle” a lot of times there are many more times when I say, “Just a minute!” and that minute never comes because I’m so busy. Great reminder. Thank you.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I’m glad that you liked it (and I love that you used his little words in there- too cute!!!)
Cindy says
Hi, oh how I love when my children ask me to lay down with them! We have a 12 year girl and an 8 1/2 year old girl. Those are the best times to share things between you and them! My 12 year old use to like for us to read before bedtime but now she thinks she is to old. I find we are never too old for anything!
Looking forward to reading more of your posts!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you, Cindy!
Jenna says
Great article! Posted on FB and loved the comments from my friends. Changed my perspective on what used to be a trying question.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
🙂 Thanks, Jenna!
Alison says
Everyday since I read this article, I have made a point to lay with each of my kids for 10 minutes. Today my son told me tht he told all of his friends that I could break a block because I have a black belt (I did break a block to earn my black belt when I was 18, now 33) and also that Daddy says, “I used to beat up all the boys.” Well, that will be something fun to explain at the Valentines day party. 🙂 Every night has been totally worth the extra time. Thanks so much for making me slow down and cuddle
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
HAHA!! Love it, Alison!! That’s hilarious!
Laura says
Thank you for sharing!!! This post brought tears to my eyes…I’m pregnant and also have a 5 years old fantastic girl. She always says that to me even what to sleep with us! I’m always complaining about! And yes! it’s hard to think about it…not only that tragic scenario but the time flies and they grow up so fast to the point is that is hard to notice it. I do spend too much time with her. However, now that I’m almost done with the pregnancy I feel haven’t spend enough time with her. It’s is a wear sensation, I feel I want to be with my older girl all the time no leaving time for myself. But, I don’t regret! She is my world, my life! Hoping how to manage the coming baby without affecting our routine! Life is beautiful but is hard to understand!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Oh Congratulations on your newest bundle of pure joy!! I bet your daughter will find that SHE wants to spend as much time with the baby as you do, so it will be easier than you think. Our older kids were always itching to get a second to hold our daughter when she was born, so it was easy to incorporate her into our time. (she just snuggled up right with us & the boys LOVED it). 🙂
Lisa Lloyd says
dear Becky.
This was just precious! My children are grown now , ages 24, 21 and 20. I have many precious memories of lying in bed with them talking, laughing , listening to books on tape or CD , listening to them read me a story…
I wish I could rewind time and get to enjoy those days again. The memories are there and they are so special.
Through the years I have heard various friends looking forward to the day when the “nest would be empty”. I never understood “feeling that way “. I know they are to grow up , that is God’s plan. However I truly miss those times .
I know everyone tells you ” they grow up fast so enjoy them while they are young”… That is 100% truth! I am thankful for the sweet times with my children.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you for this!!
Tracy says
Wonderful article. I remind myself all the time to appreciate these precious mommy moments with my daughter because she will soon be off on her own. We never know when that “last time” is for any childhood ritual, until reflecting on it much later – tucking them in, reading a good night story, saying prayers together, or even a trip to the local park – they are all precious moments we take for granted.
When she learned of her fatal disease, the brilliant Erma Bombeck wrote “If I Had My Life to Live Over” – of which these last 4 lines resonate with me: “Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.”
There would have been more ‘I love you’s’.. More ‘I’m sorrys’ …
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute… look at it and really see it … live it…and never give it back.”
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
That is so beautiful!! Thank you so much for sharing that.
Taryn says
Truth!!! The other week our son got upset that Daddy was going out to Bible Group & so I promised to come & cuddle home when his little sister was asleep. When I got to him, he said ‘what took you so long?’
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
That is SO sweet.
Loris Ayoub says
I love this post,my son wants me to stay with him until he sleeps everyday,and in that period he will talk to me and I love it…
Cathy says
My boys are 16 and 11 and they still enjoy spending special time at the end of the day with my husband and I. The 11 year old picks who is “putting him to bed” every night and it is a good time to talk to him about things that are bothering or pleasing him. For the 16 year old, I will take in my book, sit on his bed, and read beside him while he does homework or assessment pieces. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we don’t, but he knows he can tell me or question anything.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I love this- thanks for sharing.
Leena says
My son is 7.5 yrs old. Today for the first time he asked me,’mummy can you lie with me’ As usual I was so busy with house work and things to do for the morning that I told him to go to bed and I would come to him soon.As I finished all my work, I went to find my son already fast asleep.I felt so sad. And came and opened up my iPad to read your post coincidently which really broke my heart. Very true Becky, time we’ll spend with our children is the best thing we can give them. Thanks for your beautiful post. It’s an eye opener for me. God bless you.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Today is another day! 🙂 Thank you for your comment. You are so sweet.
Kat says
You’re lucky that you have parents and in-laws that support this. I, on the other hand, have to deal with my parents and in-laws who would say to me, when my son didn’t want anyone else to hold him the first year of his life, and I would always pick him up, “Oh, how is he going to go to college if you never put him down?” And it’s like, yeah right, my son is never going to change in the next 18 years. They say that kind of stuff all the time to me.
So I just keep plugging away the best way I know how and try to love him as much as possible!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
You know what is best for him… and as I tell my cousin (she just had a baby)- you just love him as much as you can while he is there with you! 🙂
I’m sure you are doing amazing!
Elisheva says
This article really spoke to me. When I first had my daughter ( I have 3 children), I didn’t know how to parent. Out of my own experiences, I remember my mother being kind and thoughtful but I don’t have any memories of her when I was young. -I was either in day care or my older sister raised me. I feel like such a pioneer some days as a stay at home mom. When my daughter was 2 months old I was greatly encouraged to separate her out of our bed and letting her cry herself to sleep in her own room. I thought I was doing the right thing and now looking back I feel horrible. The same goes for my other two children although they were slightly older. Now that they are little older, Im guilty of not laying down with them as I should have. Even though they are 5, 3 and 16 months, I now see where they are lacking. Theres a lot of pressure on being the “perfect” mom and doing way too much, that takes our time away from our children, but somethings has to change.. and I thank you for sharing this article and for the enlightening and encouraging thoughts.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you.
Felicia says
Becky,
I can definitely relate to this. This is my nightly war in my mind. I actually wrote a very similar post to yours just a few weeks before you wrote this one. Great minds 😉 Mine is called “Snuggling Can’t Wait” because my boys ask me to snuggle with them.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Aww- love it.
Nancy Bell says
You are doing the right thing following your heart, I am an empty nester nowadays so I can tell.
Warm regards,
Nancy.
Becky says
With 4 kids under the age of 4, getting the kids to bed is critical for any sanity in our home, and reading this post REALLY helped to establish a more structured bedtime routine. (THANKS!) That being said, I don’t understand how you put all your kids to bed at the same time and give each one time before bed. Do they share a room? Who’s bed do you go to first?
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
They read a book in their bed until we come in to their room to tuck them in. I have all 4 kids go to their rooms to wait for me. They can look at a book or lay in their bed and look at their spelling words (or the youngest two just lay there) and wait for us to come in. I’ll see our youngest first and my husband sees our next youngest… then we switch. We do the same with the older boys. 🙂
NIna says
You hit the nail on the head. If I could go back I would take advantage of every single chance I had to lay with my kids. I was always too busy, and I fall asleep easy and knew I chanced falling asleep before I wanted to. Now they are 21,19 & 18 and I have mommy guilt that I didn’t take every advantage that I could.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Well I hear you on falling asleep. Sometimes our kids will say “Mom- are you sleeping or listening?” when they see me dozing off. 🙂 I’m sure you were/are a wonderful mom!
Marcia says
Since I have only one child (6), my husband and I can do it every night. Usually, we move out of his room after he’s sleeping. It’s amazing how he’s more open to talk during this short period of time before sleep. We treasure this moments.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
How sweet!!
Erica Douglas says
My two-year-old daughter says the same thing. It’s my favorite time of the day!
Chris says
Thought the article was very well written and really made me think about how quickly this precious time with our kids going. My wife and I have 2 boys, 10 months and almost 2 years, and we love it. Albeit parenting for you young boys who are close in age can be challenging as we are learning and adapting to our every-changing roles as parents.
My wife and I have recently discussed this topic and are looking to find the direction for our family. Right now she puts down the youngest by nursing in his own room and then comes out for the oldest. The oldest has a larger bed so she lays with him until he falls asleep. I feel this may be a bit distracting for him to fall asleep but it seems to work in the end. However, sometimes Mommy falls asleep as well and then the night is pretty much over. The problem seems to be that this takes a great deal of time and other items; cleaning up, eating, random family chores… and most importantly our time together.
Don’t get me wrong I love time with the boys and am happy we are able to work our household to be a one income family. This is something I feel is special for our boys and for my wife. I don’t want to sacrifice time with the kids but I do want to keep the relationship going strong, this seems to be the time to do it.
Also, I do help with the kids as part of their night time routine and occasionally if the youngest wakes up I go into help put him back down. I also have tried to put the oldest down myself but it is pretty much Mommy time, and that is made known.
My wife reminds me that this is an important time for both the boys and her, but I feel it is a bit much. I feel it is important to enable the kids to learn to fall asleep on their own, and for we as parents to be able to come together for quality time or working on other times other than at midnight.
I am very open minded on this and understand the angle you are coming from, hence why I posted here. Really looking for some idea of like-minded people. Grateful for any advice. Thanks!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you! I have to not “lie down” if I am tired – I have to just sit. 🙂 haha. (because I am the same way!)
Mom in Maryland says
Just for what it’s worth… I did a lot of falling asleep with the children over the years and now years later I realize my husband really felt neglected… At the time I didn’t think he cared As long as he didn’t have to do it. We stayed married but in hindsight I realize it’s also important to our children for us to stay married so I would have given a little more weight to my husband’s concerns in hindsight. I guess it’s all about balance and adapting ideas to the individuals that are your family. We are soon empty-nesters and I hope to make it up to him then. But I probably did stress out our marriage More than I realized at the time. Maybe it’s a matter of moving responsibilities around I’m thinking outside of the box in someway to find common ground for everyone. All the best!
Mom in Maryland says
… and Thinking outside the box… Oops typo. Probably one thing I did wrong was not encouraging him to do the bedtime routine sometimes so that he couldFeel the benefits first hand.
Victor says
I only see mommies respond, but ‘laying with me’ is a good thing for daddies as well. My girlfriend and I have three daughters (8, 8 and 6, two of hers and one of mine) and we’ve been together for a good 5 years.
The youngest is especially strong headed and use to visit us nightly. Broken nights, until we started laying with them when going they are going to bed (“knuffelen” in Dutch). And the nightly visits came to end; it’s as if she has closure of the day.
Like you say in your post, they start rambling about everything and nothing. Each has a different request for scratching their backs: one prefers a very light touch, while the youngest wants her skin torn off almost. scratching helps deflecting their attention to their body and is an excellent way to get out of their heads and doze off.
Even as a father, this is great quality time with all of our kids. It helps bonding and gauge their state of mind. i enjoy these times, because you never know when this is going to end (or starts being inappropriate).
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
You’ll appreciate this – my husband wrote it 🙂 Why I tuck my kids into bed
Tricia says
Reading your post just really touched my heart, I used to ask my mom this same question ever night when i was little, we would have the best talks then, she passed when I was 17. I do this with my own children, but this post just brought back some very precious memories I haven’t thought about in a while!!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
OH, I’m sorry. I’m so glad that you are able to carry that on with your children (they will have the most amazing memories, too.)
Paula says
After read some of your posts and this last one
I just can’t stop to cry… ???
I have a 17 month daughter, who I still breastfeeding (most night time)
and last night was just hard like all the other nights that she wants mommy all the time, I know the “milk” is just a excuse to be closer of me and most of the time I really enjoy it and I feel that I can breastfeed her forever lol
But sometimes I am just tired of don’t have anytime to myself or even sleep ONE night
Thanks for your posts they made me feel that I am not waisting my time, that is all for her, I’ll keeping laying down with her as much as she wants before she grows and fly to her own life without me (I know this never is gonna happen ?)
Paula
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thanks for leaving that comment. 🙂
Eda says
I was so glad to read so many positive comments about laying with children at night. My grandson, he just turned 10, has spent every other week with us since he was one. Every night he says,, “Grandma, will you lay with me?” We usually read some books and then he tells me about his day. Others in the family tell him he is getting to be a big boy and needs to go to bed by himself. I love the bonding time we have together and glad that so many others agree. Thanks for the article.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Oh, me too! I hope that never goes away. I have friends that just send their kids up to bed, but I feel like I would be missing such an opportunity to bond with him.
S.F. says
I read your post and then about a third of the comments. It brought tears to my eyes. I have little ones too, and I always lay down with them or rock them when they want me to when we go to bed. But I am guilty of sometimes limiting that time with them. I treasure them, and I want them to know it. Even if it isn’t the most convenient, they are still the most IMPORTANT to me. Another point is; how could I bring children into this world, only to deny them the full love they crave? This post, and all of the comments that I read show that you ladies feel the same way.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you. I love the point that you made.
Kay Kathleen says
I LOVE what you had to say here…I cried, in fact…and I totally agree with everything you’ve said, but what do you do with the little girl who never sleeps? I co-sleep with my little girl, but I’m not ready for bed when she is, so I try to lie with her until she falls asleep. The difficulty is that she just doesn’t…at least not until the midnight hour, literally! I’ve tried laying with her the whole time, I’ve tried laying with her for a little while then sitting in a chair while she drifts off, I’ve tried pretty much everything I can think of or found on the internet that I agree with, but still she lies awake for hours. Do you have a cut-off point to “lie with me mommy” when this occurs? Otherwise, I’d find myself up until 2am finishing the day’s chores (&shave!). I’d love to hear your input on this!! Maybe you can think of something I haven’t tried!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I’m sorry- I tell our kids that I will lay for 10 minutes (or 5 min) when they start this, but they might be older than yours. I can ask this on my FB page if you’d like?
Linda says
If I may chime into this inquiry. My special needs granddaughter has the same problem. It is very hard for her to go to sleep. There are many sleep disorders that this can be attributed to, but thankfully our very much appreciated Developmental Pediatric Physician suggested melatonin. In researching melatonin, I found a great deal of helpful information that your reader might find helpful. If you like I can send a link for that post but wanted to ask your permission before sending it along.
Please let me know if this is something you’d like to review before sharing it at my gmail account, lindasea53@gmail.com
I totally get the frustration this parent is feeling, and the drain this can make on her health too. Maybe I can help.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Yes, our son has Central Sleep Apnea. It is awful. 🙁
Karyn says
It’s hard mumma when your little one doesn’t fall asleep. I’m sure you’ve already done the calm before bed routine (dinner, quiet play, bath, stories, bed). How about enough rest during the day? Quiet times, naps. Some fresh air each day? I had a friend who with her 4 year old had to go on a “snooze cruise” in the car each night to get their co-sleeping child to sleep. They tried diet changes and everything and then a relative suggested a weighted blanket to break the snooze cruise habit. Magic!
I hope something in this helps. Hang in there.
I have 2 kiddos and notice that while they are still young for them sleep breeds sleep. Enough rest during the day means longer sleep at night and easier to bed.
My preschooler also asks me to lie down with him most nights. It is good for ME to take that time and ignore the constant to do list.
Hedieh says
Great reminder! However, I think we should both show them our love and learn them to control their desires.
I have a sweet 5 year old who loves me to lie down with her. although I or his had read her a story in bed every nights.it’s just Wednesdays when I sleep beside her till morning. what do you think about this sort of regulations?
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
🙂 To each their own. I could never keep with our kids because I would worry that I would roll on them all night long. 🙂 haha- so 10 minutes of snuggling/reading/praying is about my max. 🙂
Linden says
My three oldest kids are two-year intervals, and shared a room as long they was room in the room. I sat with them every night, reading, talking and praying with them. It is amazing what deep and important qustions they asked! My youngest is 12 years younger, and his dad sat with him every night while he was growing up. One night years later I was at a daughter’s home in the evening, and she asked it I would sit and read with her little boys at bedtime. It was an honor, and a reminder that this had been important to her as child.
Linda says
I started laying down with my three-year-old about a month ago. Sometimes it’s just five minutes; other times it’s 15 minutes. I don’t get to spend a lot of time with her because I go to school and then have many things to do at night. I know I need to give her more quality time with me. This is a step in that direction. Thanks for letting me know that what I’m doing is a good thing. 🙂
Cristlyn says
I remember having a bed in my parents room when I was little, because I never wanted to leave my mom.. She always told me I was the most held out of five, and we still have the most amazing relationship.. I really do remember those times when my mom took the time to just sleep with me.
Julia says
I realized about a year ago that I was a workaholic. As a single mother, coming home late and continuing to work gave me less time to focus on my daughter. I finally stopped and told myself to relax. My baby sleeps with me in my bed every night bc it’s gives us that extra “mommy/daughter” time, even if it’s just cuddles and sleep. I really feel like it’s made a huge difference in the both of us for the better. Great article. TY.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
🙂 That’s wonderful!
Marisa says
Thanks for writing this! It makes me feel what I’m doing is right!! Instead of worrying about clean house, and other unimportant things! Nothing is more important than these special moments with your child(ren)
Sharon E says
My son asks me to lie down and “snuggle” with him every night. And so many nights I have to fight the mental battle of staying in the moment while running through my to-do list. I love snuggles with him each night. It is part of our bedtime routine. Some nights I appreciate it more than others. But I’ll be happy looking back knowing we both had that time together, giggling and snuggling.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
🙂 I think so, too!
Jennifer Bonessi says
My older kids are 12 and 9 now, so we are doing “Harmony Hour” on the couch. Right before bed, we sit on the couch together – sometimes they put their heads in my lap, sometimes we just sit close – and talk for about 15 minutes. They lead the conversation, and it is amazing what we end up talking about. It’s been awesome overall, and is a great transition from a sweet childhood tradition into a more adult relationship. Not to mention I don’t fit in the bed with them anymore!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
love that!
Mary says
Wonderful thoughts! This is my 4-yo son’s new favorite thing. He always asks me every night, “Mom, can we talk in my bed?” Sometimes I’m guilty of putting him off or just making it real quick. I want to treasure these moments, they are some of the most precious! FYI I linked back to this article in my new post. Feel free to share if you enjoy it! http://simplynatureplusnurture.com/2015/12/11/baby-development/
Thanks!
Ellie says
I agree with this completely I am not yet a mother but was recently reflecting on my own wonderful mother and how great she is. When I was younger I would often ask my mother to sleep with me or if I could sleep with her and, being the sweet lady she is, she would alway say yes. This made me feel comfort from her presence, and later as a teenager if I had a really bad dream I knew I could ask her to come lie with me and she would. I told her the other day, now as an adult, what that meant to me. And her response was that she always thought of that as a privilege. Just that simple act really helped our relationship be strong no matter what age I was. I hope someday I can be as good of a mother as she has been.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I feel the same way about mine. 🙂
Kelly says
This is a beautiful reminder, but I have some questions and would love your advice! I am a single mom to a VERY energetic seven year old boy and I have a pretty demanding career. We read in his bed every night for about 20 minutes. Every night, after I finish reading to him, he asks me to sleep with him. I have a lot that I need to do at night, and I also just need to be alone and unwind for a little while without someone needing me for the first time all day! Will telling him “I can lay with you for a few minutes, but then I need to go do a few things downstairs before I get to go to bed” make him feel like he is not important and doesn’t have my undivided attention? How long should I lay with him after we read? Is reading to him enough, that on some nights I can tell him “I can’t lay with you tonight” and just tell him goodnight and leave the room? If I do lay with him, is setting a timer to make sure I don’t doze off and sleep all night (I’m exhausted!) going to hurt his feelings and make him feel unimportant? I want him to feel my love and my undivided attention, but I also need him to go to bed by himself for my sanity, and I question myself all the time about whether or not laying with him to go to sleep will keep him from being independent. Thank you!
Dori says
Becky, thank you so much for this article. My son, who is now 8, will still ask me to lay and snuggle with him at bedtime and there are times I do say, just for a minute, which will turn into ten or more and we talk and giggle and I love those times. I definitely will keep cherishing these moments because they are so precious.
Ashley Wilson says
I love this, so heart warming! Can’t wait to have conversations with my son when he’s older. He’s 17 months now.
Sherri says
This brought tears to my eyes, bc I have a 2.5 year old who always wants to lay with mommy at night too! As I also feel I make excuses of things that need to be done. Thank you for sharing!
Evelyn says
As an adult, my mom asked me one day how I knew that she loved me growing up. It didn’t take much thinking at all to answer- because of the time she spent in bed with us before we went to sleep. Singing songs, saying prayers, playing guessing games, teaching us state capitals, just being there. I absolutely love that I get to do those things with my kids and that they ask me too every night. I was having one of those nights last night that you mention about wanting to be quick and then my 6 year old, after about the 15th hug asks, you know why I like your hugs so much? Because I know you love me. And right then I resolved to never, ever turn down one of his hugs even if it’s 2am and I’ve already given a hundred. These nights won’t last forever. I need to be reminded constantly that whatever excuse I have may be telling them that it’s more important than they are. Thank you for writing this. It blessed me today!
Joan says
I used to do this all the time. It was the sweetest time in my life. As you point out, I learned more in those moments than I could have ever learned any other time. So many things tumbled out that I might not otherwise have ever heard.
I lost my son 2 1/2 years ago at age 23. I will never forget those conversations. Moms, don’t be so busy with the little things. Enjoy your children.
Linda says
Hello, Becky,
I have always felt that lying (laying) down with my children is a very good thing to do when they want you to. . I love the article by Dr. Sears that confirms the intrinsic value of thie family practice. I am a stay at home mom again at 63, raising my daughter’s children foolwing her untimely death in 2010. I love her and miss her and wish I’d done more holding and hugging of her. Now I have her 7 year old daughter. who was only 17 months when she passed, and I hold her and lay down with her and drawer close when she is falling to sleep as often as I can. because life is short, too short for many on this journey as with the two children you mentioned at the beginning of this post She is special needs too and so has many needs that other children can get through with out much fuss. We get allot done but it often times takes months and months longer than would be true of normally developing children.
I am blessed to have her in my life. I appreciated the rminders in your post. I write too, around all that life throws at us and look forward to what else you will be sharing.
By the way, love the picture of you, your husbanc and your four precious children. I reaised 5 on my ow, now plus 3, and wish muy days could be 32 hours instead of 24 so I could take care of everything that is needed.
Kind regards,
Linda
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you. 🙂
Christine says
Thank you for this blog. Very enlightening.
stefan says
God ,I was moved
Wai says
I was always told by family and friends not to lie down in bed with my kid (she is going to be 4), so that she can teach herself become independence and so that I can move to do other things like those you posted. Few days ago, I was feeling down and decided to lie down with her just to take a break, and there she comes telling me things like what she did in daycare, her best friend (did not know she has one), and also she make a mess at lunch but it’s okay because she cleaned up. I then realized how much I enjoy spend this time of the day with her. So, thank you very much for writing this post.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Exactly! 🙂 It’s like everything that they are thinking comes out right then.
Hope says
I love this post. How can you say no to… mommy, will you lay with me? My favorite time!
Karen says
Love your story my 4 yr old always asks ifor I can lay down with him I always say yes and I just hug him and tell him I love him.I’m a mother of 3 boys. 4 ,2, &1
Spending time with our kids it’s priceless I love them so much
Kristy Reibel says
I’m grateful I get to be a sahm & choose to be also, we might miss out on a few luxuries & i do miss my career. My children open up to me without the lay with me everyday, because I give them 100% i don’t focus on much else but them they are my full time job! Really this article relates to the parents not putting their children first. With that said my children still ask to be tucked in eldest is 12 & i love you is said at school drop off every morning & each bedtime! I feel sorry for families who can’t see that this is such a short part of your life to be there everyday for your children, years/months you will never get back!! Sacrifice, unconditional love parenting right! Hats off to the busy working parents who get the balance right too!!
Susan Douthitt says
Thank you for that reminder that life is precious
Abi says
I’m so glad I found your blog. This article brought tears to my eyes …..the article on you carrying your kids. I have one child, 7, who always wants to be carried upstairs at bedtime, piggy back ride in the pool, wants me to rub her back to sleep but I always have a reason not to. I always think that’ll keep her from being able to put herself to sleep or other reasons you listed.
But no more from today, i realize this phase wont last forever so i’ll make the best of it. And stop telling myself i’m helping her be independent. Thank you again.
You have a new reader in me.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you!
Kelly says
I didn’t need to be asked twice when one of my kids wanted me to lay down with them. I had six littles under 11 when my youngest was born in 2003; so I was always happy for a lie down and a cuddle. What I want to know, is am I the only tired mom who would fall asleep, then wake up later with the dishwasher still waiting to be loaded?! ;’)
Sarah says
How do you find the time to lay with all of them? I have 3 girls and the 2 youngest always ask me to lie with them. Did you just take turns? How were you able to decide and make it fair for all of them?
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I do about 10 minutes per room (so it takes about 40 minutes, but the other kids can read in their rooms while they wait). I start with the youngest.
Deanna says
As a mother of a murdered child, i am so glad i have no regrets of our time spent together. I rocked him to sleep and layed with him when he asked. As a result, we were very close. Not missing a chance with thevone i have left. I miss you guys
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Miss you, too!!
Luna says
Boooy, you made me cry! Thank you for this article. I cry because this is what I do ever night and as I lie next to my 20 month old and my 6 year also boys, all I can think is “please please don’t grow up”, I wish I could have 6 more!
Thank you Becky.
Connie says
I love this! When my son was little (and even as he was growing up) he would always ask me to “lay with him for just a little bit.” I always made it a point to stay at least, a little bit. But more often than not it was for alot longer and we would both fall asleep. 🙂 I would wake up soon after and be so tired but have to get things done for the next day. I wouldn’t have it any other way! Now he is a “big boy” and serving in the United States Marine Corps and when he is home he will ask me to “hang out for a little bit” We usually rent a movie and just hang out and I absolutely love every single second of it! I’m so glad I made it a point to spend such precious time connecting with him as he was growing up because now he does the same for me! 💖
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
aww… 🙂
Rhonda says
Becky –
This hit home, because my children are exactly the same way. One book turns into 10. One minute turns into 15. However, like you, during this time is when they really open up to me. No filter, no insecurities, just them and me and everything they are thinking and feeling. It’s wonderful.
I do think you were a bit wrong about one thing. When I tell them just for a minute I have other responsibilities I need to tend to . . . I don’t think we are telling them they are second to those things . . . I think we are telling them they are first. I have responsibilities to tend to, but because you asked me to stay awhile, I will. You are more important. Those things won’t go away, but I’m going to spend an extra 10 minutes with you first. Just my perspective.
Addi Ganley says
Amazing post Becky! What a refreshing read before starting my day with my 3 kids 🙂
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thanks, Addi!
Mommyof2girls says
Everything depends on what in your opinion is the best for your kids. I think the best for a baby is when she/he can fall asleep on her/his own. I don’t want to sound cruel because i am really not! i love my two girls more than anything in the world and when they are going to their beds i hug them and kiss them for a long time but in my opinion they should be able to fall asleep alone.
With my husband we used a method without CIO by Susan Urban – the HWL method. It helped us out big time! To get it right you must follow very precisely instruction step by step and that is it. We were the winners after 5 days:) we have found the instruction in this guide: http://www.parental-love.com so anybody who thinks the same as me – i highly recommend.
I totally understand when Mommies wants to be with their kids when they are falling asleep and THANK GOD it is up to us PARENTS 🙂
Emily says
Unbelievable!!!!!! Thank you so much for sharing the HWL method! i got the ebook and after 3 days my son was able to fall asleep alone. Is it even possible?????
THANK YOU!!!
Shelly says
I’m reading this with tears in my eyes as I lay here with my 7 year old. Every night he says ” just 5 minutes Mom” sometimes I’m annoyed because I have so much to do and I often times fall asleep also. However, honestly it’s one of my favorite times just to lie and cuddle with him. Thank you for reminding us what’s important!
Casandra Daggett says
This. Zoey would always ask us to “nuggle” and we would say it’s a weeknight baby only on the weekend. Now I “nuggle” whenever she asks. She is 4 with a terminal brain tumor. I know she might not be here in a week a month a year. I used to take everything for granted, I still do but attempt to stop myself when I get that feeling of brushing things off . I will steal so many “nuggles” as long as I can.
Becky says
This article really really hits home. I have four kids as well. 6, 7, 9 and 11 and they are always asking me to lay in bed with them after they’re all tucked in and I am so guilty of always having something else to do…dishes, laundry, work etc. From now on, I will definitely take advantage of these times they actually want me to lay down with them. I don’t ever want them to think something else is coming before them! Thank you so much!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Your kids are so close in age to my own (10, 8, 6, 4)
Linda Lucy says
Oh, how i remember these nights. My son would ask us to lie with him at night, an my husband and I would take turns. There were some nights I was so tired and really didn’t feel like, or had numerous things that still had to be done around the house. My son is 18 years old and away at college. I went in his room the other day and lay on his bed and started crying! I was thinking of those nights and wish he was little again and asking me to lie with him! Just remember it goes soooo fast and you will wish they were little again, no matter how much you think you won’t.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you for sharing!
LaLena S. says
I love and appreciate this blog post! I do have a concern that she will want this every night all night. A. will be 3 May 8th. Is there any advice for the younger ones that may just want this as a way to stay up longer?
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
I just limit the time. 10 minutes or 20 minutes (you set the time). I would maybe even do a timer and say “I’m setting this timer as a reminder that this is time JUST for me and you. Our 10 minutes that is just ours. When the timer beeps, it lets me know that I was able to have 10 minutes with you, but then I’ll leave the room, because our time will be done. If you stay in bed, you earn a cotton ball.”
Amanda says
My heart’s cry is to be there for each of my kids. My trouble at bedtime is that there is only one of me and four of them. How do you handle this situation with your four? I often find my kids fight for my attention at this time, and it becomes a battle instead of an opportunity for intimacy and loving moments.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
It is hard – they each go to their rooms & read a book (our daughter plays with her dolls) and I go from room to room. I start with our 2nd son because he needs the most sleep. We do his look & find book & then I scratch his back while he talks. Then I move onto our daughter (4), and sing her one song and say prayers. She asks me (every day) “What are we doing tomorrow?” and we talk about that for 5 minutes or so. Then I move onto my 8 year old (he is usually listening to a book on tape in his room- it keeps him occupied or he would come out 10 times!). I spend about 20 minutes in his room because he reads to me & then I scratch his back while we talk. Lastly I move up to our 10 year old (he reads like crazy, so I stop at the library & get him new books every week for bedtime). We just talk & talk. After 20 minutes, I go downstairs.
IF they all stay in their beds, they get a cotton ball (read this post)
I hope that helped. 🙂
Diane says
I totally agree with your article and love to lay down with my kids at night. However, it’s hard to do that because #1, I fall asleep and then my husband gets mad that I never go to sleep in our own bed, #2, if you have 2 children who go to bed at the same time, then how do you lay down with both of them? I feel so bad that I can’t split myself in two! #3, will they ever learn to go to sleep on their own?
Louise Ward says
My son is 8 and asks for “sneaky snuggles” still and boy I love them!-it stemmed from when I broke up with his Dad and we lived on our own, it was comfort to both of us in those sad lonely days, and is now a treat for extra hugs! Many people comment on how sensitive he is, and I think some of it comes from this special time together. I am now 7 weeks with a new baby and partner of 4 years and hoping all is well and looking forward to new cuddles altogether! Love your post. Time is precious!
Gloria says
This makes me think of my cuban mom. We are a special breed. I remember always wanting my mom to sleep by my side and once she thought i was asleep she would tip toe away and i would call her back. My Dad would protest but she’d come back to me. For at least 12 years of my life she would sleep by my bed. Her love for me so immense. I was spoiled rotten. Now when i see her, her face full of wrinkles and her gaze sometimes doesn’t focus clearly. I love her so much. Sometimes i lay down next to my husband and have tucked my own children in bed and i wonder how my parents are and pray that she will sleep well. Often i think back to those times when i spent time with her. I love my husband so much and my dad too but there is nothing like a mother’s love. I thank God for the blessings he has given me and i pray that i will have my mom many more years and that my children will love me the way i love her.
Emma says
how long do you usually lay with each child? (Im sure it varies with how much they have to share). does your husband lay with them too or do you two alternate kids every other night? Great article by the way!!!
Brooke Hauer says
I have four children as well, born in 2005, 2011, 2013 & 2015, they all ask me to lie with them nightly and I have some of the same things to do at night, and just like you I find it hard to not give each one a time limit!! But I cherish those sweet moments and enjoy them so very much! Happy Mother’s Day
Edwin Griswold says
I never comment on things, but this story has touched me to the core. As a dad of a 3 year old, I want to thank you so much for this!! Recently my son has been asking me to may with him. I always say for a few minutes. I will NO longer say for a few minutes, I will lay with him as long as I can and put off things that are not at Important. Again, thank you from the bottom of my my heart for this!!!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you!
Heidi says
My 7 yr old used to sleep with me when he was little. After we moved him into his own room I thought the need for me to lay with him until he fell asleep would be temporary, not quite. Our nightly routine still consists of one half-hour cartoon and I stay till he’s asleep. I couldn’t agree with this article more. He loves to have my undivided attention and tell me things he doesn’t get the chance to during the chaos of the day. I will do this as long as he needs, I love the time together and the stories he shares. I believe it will help him to be a more involved dad, or at the least more understanding of his wife that carries this tradition.
Molly says
I love this post! I’m just starting to get “will you lay with me for a little bit?” It can be frustrating when all I want is to relax at the end of a long day, but it can be so endearing also.
Cherie Fox says
Hi Becky, thank you! My son (youngest of 3) always wants me to “lay with him”, and although it is frustrating as I already don’t have enough hours in my day, I do. That time is precious and we need to remind ourselves of this always!
Another boy in his class, at 7 years old, lost his battle with a brain tumor and this puts all else into perspective. I too love cuddles at the end of a crazy day!
Thank you for sharing.
Rene' says
Thankyou so much for this article I thought I was doing the whole bedtime thing wrong but now as I read your article I can see I have been doing it right all along. I have a daughter age 7 who will be 8 in December every night when I put her to bed I lie next to her for about 20 minutes just enjoying my time with my little girl. Each night I lie next to her and we cuddle for about 20 minutes as I tickle her belly not in playful way in an affectionate way thats how we enjoy our quiet bonding time together. As I lie next to her tickling her belly and talking about her day we tell each other multiple times during our special moment together how much we love each other her favourite phrase to say is ” I love you to the stars and back 600 times” I then say ” Right back at ya Kiddo’ Or me to my love or my favourite term of endearment for her is baby. As I rub her belly we also play guess the animal for quiet time. The other night as I was enjoying mommy time with my little one it hit me that my baby is growing up and that I have very little time with her left because soon enough she wont our cuddle time together anymore. My days to cuddle next to her at bedtime tickle rubbing her belly as a sign of affection of how much I love her is coming to an end and although she will always be my babygirl till the day she dies I still cant help but feel emotional. So yes I totally agree with you. taking time at bedtime to bond with your child is far more important than all the chores you have to do, There is plenty of time to do those but the time to spend with your kids is running out. I spend at least about 30 minutes with my baby every night we laugh, we giggle and I just all round enjoy my time with her, I kiss her multiple times during our bedtime routine and you know what I wouldnt trade the memories I am building with my baby for anything.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
🙂 Thank you
Mom in maryland says
Loved your article… mine are late teens and early 20s … and I probably did too much of this per my husband’s opinion… But we have been a bit shocked by their willingness to be so forthcoming to us about the issues that late teens and early 20s confront. Reading your article it makes me wonder if they just got so used to talking at the end of each day in a relaxed and safe setting and somehow that spills over to adulthood. Even if it’s not that those end of the day times are some fabulous memories. Like something I heard from A friend that an older woman said 20 years ago “ one day you miss even the bad days”.
Debi E says
Heart felt, beautiful article, so grateful to come across your writing and am inspired with these beautiful reminders ! My kids sooooo deserve my time as do I deserve the gift of the moments with them.
Diana says
Hi, Becky. This post brought me to tears. I’d been scouring the internet for the past hour, looking for solutions on how I can get my son to sleep all night without waking up when he realizes I had left the room. Nothing of those solutions feels right for me. I’m a stay-at-home mom, but I’ve got an online copywriting job that I do at night (that’s the only time I get to work since I look after him and his sister during the day). He’s 5 years old, and her little sister is 1. There are nights when it’s okay for me to pause my work and just go back to bed with him and help him get back to sleep. But there are nights that things get really ugly… just like tonight. When I’m at my wit’s end, I would pull my hair and punch my head in front of him. There would be a lot of yelling from me and sometimes from my husband. These ugly nights aren’t just wrong but are also disappointing, stressful and full of guilt.
I think I just have to remind myself that this too shall pass, and then it did, they will be too grown up to even need me. And it hurts me in a way to think about it, but it gives me relief, too, that I can change my attitude today and just cherish these moments that I am still a big part of his life.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Célia says
You are so right! I burst out in tears when i read your article. Thanks for reminding me The most important things.
Meaghan says
I love this!!!! My son loves when I sing Que Sera Sera to him! B that’s our song <3
Melissa says
Interesting article! I don’t have kids of my own, but I remember when i was little repeatedly asking my Mom to sleep with me and she always said no… she slept with Daddy. And I got to thinking it was wrong to ask, that it would be inappropriate, that it would intrude on my parents’ relationship. And as an adult I wondered what was wrong with me that made me ask. I would have LOVED for her to lay down with me for a while! I have two nieces, 1 and 3 years old and I try to give them as much attention as I can because I know it really matters!
Maria Simpson says
This post makes me think of the time i dropped my son off at camp pendleton at the end of the weekend. We got to the barracks parking lot, he got his stuff, but then, he lingered at the car with me. We didnt really say anything, we both just took in the trees, the hillside brush, the breeze and the sun setting. I loved that he held on to just a few more moments with me. He would be deploying soon.
It just so happens that about six months later, he didn’t come home from that deployment alive.
I am so thankful for every time I put aside ‘my stuff’ to be with my children. Every moment was precious, and every one will never come back.
Laura says
This is a great article and has definitely changed my attitude toward bedtime, my issue though is this and I am still unsure how to get around it. My 3 boys all want me to spend time them at bedtime, the youngest wants me to lay with him until he falls asleep which I do. Tis can take around an hour all up. Meanwhile my middle son falls asleep waiting for me and misses out on this time every night! My eldest also missed out on me even getting to say goodnight to him some nights, to them I am favouring the younger child. How do I get around this? My kids don’t cope without sleep so making bedtime later is not really an option!
Danni says
Have you tried snuggling it’s them all and then moving them to their beds? Or start a cuddle session with them each like an hour before bed so the older two still get the love and the younger one gets you till he falls asleep and may give you the chance for a cuddle session with the others? I know some nights my son wants my husband it’s not often but it helps when he helps cuddle them
Brandi Paine says
Thank YOU for sharing your story! I have 5 kids (born in 1990, 05, 08, 09 and 12 – first kiddo at 18 years old and my last at 40), so my younger 4 are very similar to the ages of your children, and also 3 boys and a girl. Spending enough time with my now 27 year old was not a priority. I was just a kid raising a kid, and fortunately I was able to learn from that experience and become a better parent by the time I had more littles. I can see where our relationship suffered and how different it is raising kids in your 30’s. My oldest also notices the different type of mom I am. Just like your kids say, mine will say “mommy, will you lay with me?” And I always do, because everything you said is spot on! I saw the link to this blog post on Facebook and you bet I am going to be added to your mailing list. I don’t need justification or affirmation that I am doing something right, but it works for me and our family and it is gratifying to know that other families share the same thought process on this topic!
Erin says
This is so true and almost made me cry. I’m away for work right now and I miss my son. He asks this question every single night. Most nights I lie next to him for a few minutes. Some nights, when he struggles to fall asleep, I’ll lie with him for a bit longer, only to fall asleep myself. I know this time together is so precious, and there will come a day when he no longer wants me so close. So, yes, hold them close. Everything else can wait.
Denise Elquist says
This made me tear up. I am so stressed out about what we as parents need to be doing. Trying to keep everything together is so hard. I am so afraid of the future for my kiddos. I stress out about EVERYTHING, How does everyone do it…… get kids up and dressed out the door to school, then to work, get off work and pick up kids from school (school stress is a whole problem of its self: drugs, bullies, mean girls) and then make dinner, pick up the house (laundry all the time if they play sports) off electronics, spend time together, go here, go there, dinner, baths and bed time routines and then try to have time for your spouse? But my favorite time of any day is to have both kids next to me in bed one hand rubbing back of one kiddo and other arm around giving tight hugs and snuggles and not letting go!!!!!!!
Donitria says
This post is amazing. My children asks me to do the same thing. They are 8 and 12. Just like you said, you may lay there a few minutes and then that’s it. I have always wanted my kids to feel that they are the most important thing to me and that I love them dearly. I will start tonight with laying there with them a tad bit longer. I love your other posts as well. I do consider myself a “mean mom” also, in a good way. I do agree with the summer vacation homework, not a lot, but I think it’s important to keep their minds stimulated in an academic way. We also take museum trips, swimming and all sorts of fun things. I work full time, but I make sure to spend time with them everyday, talk with them, watch TV with them, read with them, ride bikes (when it’s not too hot) and just enjoy sitting there breathing together (LOL). I teach them money management skills, so that one day, they won’t grow up to be adults swimming in debt and not knowing how to manage their money. Again, I enjoy your posts, keep doing what you are doing. Mothering is hard and rewarding at the same time.
Lauren says
My 3yo asks me to cuddle him every night and tells me all about his day. My 2yo isn’t there yet but we do sing toora loora every night! I’ve never heard of anyone else singing that song. Great post.
Nicole says
My oldest son passed away 6 and a half years ago – just shy of his 2nd birthday. My other two children are now 4 & 7 .. and I will lay with them every night as long as they ask me. Losing a child, or knowing someone who has, opens your eyes to the realization that every second is so precious. Thanks for bringing awareness!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you for sharing, Nicole. I’m so sorry. I wish I had the right words to say, but thank you for sharing.
Tiffany McLearn says
Those were my son Tyler’s last words to me before he passed away from meningitis.
Danni says
I cuddle with both my babies right now, my little boy is 1.5yrs old and my little girl is 4mo right now, we cuddle every night together for bed each has a side, and during nap times too sometimes we cuddle with sissy in the middle but I wouldn’t trade cuddling my babies for nothing. What 20,000+ days looks like is nothing compared to how fast it goes. It brings tears to my eyes to think about my babies not needing me, but they will always need us, our advise our arms when things go bad, you name it they will lean on us. And us on them.
dawn peymann says
I LOVE being a grandma, and i would give my all for them- i travel 1.5 hrs to see my grandsons pretty much every weekend…. and when they go to bed, the littlest one always asks me to lay with him…and i do…theres nothing like having that one on one with him- and singing out favorite song: with a little revision… you are my sunshine, my little sunshine, you make me happy, when skys are gray…you’ll always know (put their name in this spot) how much we love you…grandma and grandpa love you so,so so so MUCH!
(never did like the negativity in the original song where it says…”you’ll NEVER know dear, how much we love you…)
anyway—its OK to always take the time to lay with your “littles” , they grow so fast and some day it will be the last time they ask..and you wont even know it… because one day they will just be “too big” and wont need you by them. to go to sleep Take the time NOW…..there really isnt anything MORE important…
erin says
for our son it was “will you yay with me a yittle or a yot?” in high school it becomes, “will you rub my back?” “will you read to me from my journal (the one i kept with hilarious moments from their younger years)” or “will you sit with me?” even though I have a list of things I could be doing I have to remind myself to cherish this time of connection when they tend to tell me stuff. before leaving I always ask if we can pray and that’s when they learn about my wishes, hopes, dreams, expectations for them. e-
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Aww. 🙂
Connie says
I so agree, i lost my sweet daughter at 27, from sinus infection surgery, 5 yrs ago. I would give my life to lay by her again and have our late night talks. I now raise our only grand daughter, her baby…n if she asks me to lay down, i never hesitate…life is so precious, never ever tell them..” to busy to listen, to hold them..”.. i can still smell my sweet daughters hair, i then cry my self to sleep, but thankfull to have her baby by myside everyday..
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Oh my goodness. I’m so sorry. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Brandi says
MY daughter wants me to lay with her at night as well ..and I do..and don’t mind at all ..it’s the hubby…he gets upset when I do and say s I shouldn’t..we argue about it at times…he doesn’t understands
Sonja Grieb says
Hi Becky, what a touching and honest post. It brought tears to my eyes. I only have one daughter and I lay with her every night until she is asleep or almost asleep. She is almost 9 now and I enjoy every minute. I realize I only have one child and she is growing up so fast, it breaks my heart. I wonder how long I will still have these moments with her so I try to take them all in. I smell her little head and feel her twitch as she drifts off to sleep. I realize that if I had more than one child I may not be able to do this and you are right, I have been annoyed at times when she asks me and I have not always been mentally present – thinking of all the things that I have yet to do before I get to go to bed but for the most part, I am treasuring these precious moments. I agree that these are the times when kids process many things that happened during the day and share things that they may not normally share during the business of the day. Thank you for being so honest and real and reminding us parents of why we are parents.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you!
Tina says
I lay down with my son every night until he falls asleep. He is 5 years old with downsyndrome and in February he was diagnosed with leukemia. I have been doing this since he was born. We put him in his bed when he falls asleep and then half way through the night he jumps in our bed.
Angel Coz says
I sleep with my children every night! My husband used to get mad but now he understands it’s a battle he will never win! I love that after crazy hectic days I can cuddle and be mom as they fall into their happy place!!!! Xoxo
Debbie says
My son is now a freshman in college. In high school, he had a job at a restaurant where he would sometimes work till closing. Other nights, he’d go out with friends. I stayed up till he got home partially to know when he was back home and safe, but also because, even at 18, that’s when he talked. Maybe it was sitting in the living room with my teenager instead of lying down with my little boy, but the it remained that he did the most sharing just before bed. I never cared how tired I was. Talking with him… listening to him… was always more important. Did the same thing over winter break. I treasure those conversations so much and I’m grateful that we are close. Nothing is more important.
ari says
Thank you so much for this reminder…it’s very easy to get wrapped up in all the things I “need” to get done after bedtime. The truth is, it can wait 🙂
Sheree says
Ah thank so so much for writing this!!! So perfect! I had to share this with my hubby and it’s helped so much. You put my exact thoughts into words for me! I couldn’t articulate this to my husband in a way where he would ‘get it’ now he has!
sam leon says
Oh Wow! thank you for this post! You are so right! It is so easy to get caught up in tasks that we miss moments. So true…they will be gone in a blink of an eye. Such an absolutely beautiful post.I love that! Thanks for sharing!
Cindy says
Thank you for this article it has a lot of meaning behind it. I love my two kids very much and I witness so many parents that don’t spend a lot of time with their kids. Also, some believe they are all grown up at 16 and travel and leave them home when they are in another state! We as parents, are here to guide them and protect them and watch them mold into adults. Please parents of little ones once they are teenagers you are still in control and have to be around and know what they are doing, who they are with, etc. I know that 18 years is such a short time to be with them and I know I will have ample time later to travel and do more things for myself but right now that is my job. I love my job! I had kids to raise my kids and be with them and hopefully they will continue to want me around as they grow older too.
Brooke says
Becky, this post totally brought tears to my eyes in the best way. What a wonderful reminder to spend those few extra moments with our kids at night when they want a little extra snuggling. Boy, I know how easy it is to say that you still need to do x,y, and z at night, but reading your reminder of how much we will appreciate those moments with our children as the get older is SPOT ON. My first is almost 5, and I must mention several times a week at what a big boy he is and to stop growing so fast. I know how much I will treasure his snuggles and hugs when he gets older, and I want to make sure that he still wants to spend those moments with me as well 🙂
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
They grow up WAY too fast!!!
Dondra Houlditch says
Facebook reminded me this morning that one year ago, I wrote the words below about a picture of my son, Aubry, sweetly sleeping in my bed which I posted 2 years ago. Aubry died in an accident just a few months later. Your post today is a timely reminder to savor each moment with which we are blessed. Thank you.
Last Spring allergies got the best of Aubry at the Boy Scout Camporee that the Webelos were invited to attend. He and I left after the campfire and drove back home. After a shower and a dose of antihistamine, we piled up in my bed. He was out before his sweet head hit the pillow. It was one of those Mom moments when I was so happy that while he was growing into a new stage in his life, for that night, he was still my little boy who needed Mom.
“What a Change”, “Just like that”, or “Where did my baby go?”…..I’ve said them all, just like you. They all have new meaning now. The school year that started out with excitement and promise now, mercifully, is coming to an end. My heart physically hurts from the hole left there. Assignments not completed, field trips not taken, jokes not told, secrets not whispered, spend-the-nights not spent, milestones not crossed, accomplishments not celebrated…the list does not end. The boys’ growth, maturing, failures and accomplishments are all things I’ve cherished. The precious gift of children and all that entails should be savored. Too many times I found myself caught up in the tasks at hand and not fully appreciating every moment. One too many times I said, “Give me just a minute,” and then, just like that….
Seeing all the accomplishments and failures, joys and pains of growth, the milestones in friends lives over the past 9 months has been both sweet and bitter. Sweet, because I am so appreciative of the blessings and lessons of life our Father gives us…all of us…and I am grateful for each, and every, one. Bitter, because I can’t witness those things in MY baby’s life anymore. Aubry is gone…I will NEVER get over that. No matter how much I love my husband, my other son, my family, my forever brothers and sisters…I will NEVER get over missing Aubry. I know, there are those who wish I would, “just get over it,”….I won’t…getting over is something they will have to do. I will continue to cry, for obvious, and not so obvious reasons. I will continue to visit with him, on Sunday, on Wednesday, on any day I am at church both alone and with hundreds. I will do my best to remember a handkerchief but do not expect me to leave a worship service, a school program, or scout meeting so others don’t have to see me be sad. I am not always sad, but when I am, take a minute to give thanks that you don’t know how much…and I pray you NEVER know.
Through all this, I am proud of my other son, B. He lost his oldest friend, his playmate, his catalyst, his defender, his brother, Aubry…and he persevered. He lost a new friend to suicide shortly after Aubry’s death…he persevered. He lost weekly contact with his inner circle of friends when his scout troop folded…he persevered. He waded through an academic year, in a new school, being the kid-whose-brother-died…he persevered. No awards were won, his academics were not stellar…he persevered. Bless him. I am proud of him, he is only 12 years old…and he persevered. I thank our Father that He will always give B exactly what he needs. I thank our Father that He designed and equipped me to be B’s mom. I pray He gives me what I need to know how to hold B lightly because, while I am B’s mom, and he is in my care…he does not belong to me.
There are so very many, some we have not yet met who have held us up since Aubry’s death. Thank you for grace, for kindness, for notes, for gifts, and for prayers. Thank you for beers and tears. Thank you for stories and jokes. Thank you for cookies and Indian food. Thank you for trust and encouragement. Thank you for sharing your lives, your joys, and your love. I pray our Father continues to give us this day, our daily bread…He is ALWAYS with us, and He is with Aubry.
Becky, Thank you again for the reminder and for being open to the Spirit.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Dondra,
I am so sorry. I am only grateful that you took the time to share your story here, to remind us just how important those moments are. You will be in my heart and my prayers. Thank you, sincerely, for sharing today. Hugging you from here.
Financially Fit Mom says
My daughter is now 14 and when these words come from her room (or she slips into my bed), I have to do everything I can to make it seem like no big deal when my heart is just bursting from the inside!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Aww- I love it.
Kayla says
I loved reading this post! It is a great reminder that time goes by way to fast and to pause and breathe in these moments. Thank you for sharing.
Angela says
This is so on point. I have always (well most always) said yes to what they call “lay time”. And guess what? My 5’10” Fifteen year old asked me to lay with him tonight….you bet I did because that’s when the “stuff” does come out :). In fact, I just left his room, clenching my heart, because I only have 3 years until he goes off to college and I will have “lay time” no more.
S says
Do you have any advice on being able to spend this precious time at bedtime with your kids, but with 2 children (separate rooms) going to bed at the same time? I have an 8 (boy) and 10 (girl) yr old and they both beg me to lay with them – which I love to do for the exact reasons you posted. However, while I’m laying with one, the other is calling for me. So for instance, even if I tell my daughter to wait (or read alone in bed for a bit) and am in with my son, he still knows that our time is limited (and always seems to feel rushed) because I “have to get to” my daughter (or she’s calling from the other room).
I thought I found a solution, as they were both upset that I was always ‘rushed’ popping between both of them (or angry at the other one for calling out) and so I tried this: I told my son he has to be in bed by 7 and I would lay in bed with him until 7:30 (where we could read, talk and cuddle) and then my daughter could read in her bed independently from 7-7:30. Then I would go to her room from 7:30-8:00. I was trying to give them each one-on-one time at the end of the day. I told them if we followed this ‘schedule’ then they would each have guaranteed time with me without having to worry about me rushing off to the other one, or doing the inevitable “love you, go to sleep, I have to tuck your sister in and get the *fill in chore here* done.” (I am guilty of every one of the excuses you listed at the top of the article – “yes, I can lay with you for a few minutes before I have to go do xyz.”) Unfortunately, this ‘brilliant’ schedule mostly seemed to backfire, because I felt like we were both always watching the clock and my son would always feel like his “time was up” when the clock hit 7:30. Inevitably, he would say dissappointedly “oh, you have to go to {daughters} room now.” Like you said, give an inch, they want a foot. But, regardless, I really didn’t relax or enjoy son’s time because I knew daughter expected me at 730 and didn’t want to be late and take away from her time. Also, with daughter, I felt guilty if I stayed past 8:00 – not fair to son.
Long question, long – do you have any recommendations to make this special time not feel scheduled or ‘timed’, but still be able to accomplish this with both kids (I don’t know how you do it with four!)
Thanks for your time and advice. I’m new to your site, but am excited to start reading more!
Becky Mansfield says
Hi,
Oh boy… been there. I am still there some nights. Here are some things that I had to do:
1- If someone comes into someone else’s room, they lose time in their room with just me. It isn’t fair to child A if child B always interrupts.
2- They have to read for 30 minutes at night, so they can use their time alone to read while they are waiting for me.
3- I know that this is a pain, and feels funny, but I did have to say, “I can stay in your room for X amount of minutes.” ( I almost always use the excuse of “Your voice is so soothing that if I hang out here at bedtime for too long, you’ll put me to sleep!” That way I’m blaming the fact that I’m tired & not the other kids.) So – I say “I’ll stay for ten minutes, but if you want to talk more, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE it if you’d come & sit with me during the day – just me & you.” I have been trying to get them alone to just talk during the day & I do find that it works to cut out any jealously at night.
Ex: I’ll just sit in our son’s workshop while he works, I’ll go on a walk with our other son, I’ll draw or color with our daughter, and I’ll just sit & snuggle with our other son while I read to him (these are the things that they like to do best, so I try to pick up on that.)
I will try to write a post over the next few days about a little experiment that we did last summer (about spending time with them like this). Check back on the homepage this week – fingers crossed that I”ll find the time to write it. lol! Right now the kids are eating lunch while I’m checking my comments (they are all home this year- half online, half homeschooled, but I was a teacher, so I love it!) 🙂
Oh- PS – I also always pop back into room 1 (the child that was tucked in first) at the end for “One last hug & kiss.” 🙂