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I have a new favorite phrase from our kids: “Mommy, will you lay with me?” Why is this my favorite? Let me tell you.
Do you hear this every night, as I do? “Mommy, can you lie down with me for a few minutes?” (or, as our little one says, “Can you lay with me?”)
Our children want me to lie down with them every night. This question is always on their minds because they love to spend time with you.
I know that our goal is to teach them to sleep through the night so they are well-rested, but these few minutes BEFORE your child falls asleep, and even before you say “Good Night,” make all of the difference.
Several years ago, a friend of the family’s son passed away after several hours of sleep while he was asleep in his room.
A week later, another seven-year-old boy passed away, only one town away, unexpectedly while he was outside playing.
One year later, another child passed away at only 36 months of age, in the middle of the night after he was put to sleep in his own bed.
This is hard for me to think about, talk about, write about, or share today. At the time of their passing, our children were very close in age to several children that had passed away. (We have four kids: born in ’06, ’08, ’10 and ’12)
Do you know what one of our kids asks me every single night as I am tucking him into bed… “Mommy, will you lay with me?” I am sad now thinking that my answer used to be:
- Just for a second, sweetie.
- Ok – for a minute. I have to make sure that your sister and brothers are all tucked in.
- I have to clean up the kitchen, so I’ll just give you a kiss & hug, ok?
- I have to do some work – so I’ll just tuck you in quickly.
- Daddy and I are going to eat dinner since we didn’t get to eat as early as you tonight, so give me a big hug & then stay in bed and get right to sleep….”
…whatever the reason, they all say the same thing to him: “Just for a second. Other things are coming first.”
I know, I know… as parents, we don’t want to start any sort of sleep problems, and many of us do not have a family bed or bed sharing (we don’t), but this is different.
This happens as you are putting them to bed. When our son is going to sleep in his own room, while we are tucking him in, we just talk.
I know that we can’t lie there all night…
Our son would expect this, as would all of our kids. “You give an inch, they take a mile”. We think we will lie down for 5 minutes; they want 20. We give 20; they want 40. (To be honest… our youngest child be happiest if I stayed 12 hours in her bed every night!)
Hold on… there is a catch.
This is when the good stuff comes out.♥
This is when I hear all of those details that teenager boys and almost-teens don’t tell their moms anymore.
The things like..
- “So & So told me that I was cute today. How disgusting. Right, Mom?”
- “Today we had a math test, and I got them all right… I was really distracted though and thought I might miss one because out in the hallway, the kids were setting up for the play. Did I tell you about the play?”
- “Did I tell you what happened at the football game in the student section last week? It was crazy.”
- “Do you remember when I had that toddler bed, and I slept with that blue stuffed animal? Do we still have it? I think I’ll give it to my kids one day. “
- .“Mom, you know how you always say that family is everything and that the younger siblings look up to me? I think it’s the truth – I heard them telling someone that they were going to play laccosse so they could practice with me. I wonder if they’ll always be that way… it’s kind of a lot of pressure to know they’re watching me, but in a good way, because I can help them by being a good example, you know?”
- “Yesterday, when I went running with a friend, he kept saying that his stomach was hurting from running, so we slowed down. It’s so hard and pretty boring to run slow, but it’s more important to be supportive than fast. It made me think about how many times you have had to slow down when we go on bike rides just so the last person isn’t riding alone.”
- “When did you first hold someone’s hand?”
- “You’ll never believe who ____ likes this year. It’s ______ ! He told me in math class today. Crazy, isn’t it? Don’t say anything because no one knows yet, but I think he might ask her to go out.”
These are the stories that come out when we put everything else aside.
These are things that happen when we forget about whatever else we have to do or want to do.
These are the conversations that happen when we just listen… when we sit down with them with only one goal: to let them know we are there to talk & listen to them.
My late grandmother used to tell me, “Enjoy our kids Enjoy every minute that you can. I loved raising my kids and if you don’t enjoy it, you’ll be missing out on so much.”
While she never suggested having a child sleep in my bed (I’ve always taught them to stay in their own beds), she always suggested talking to them every chance that I get.
She said that she loved raising her kids and that she knew I would be the same way.
My parents and my husband’s parents remind us that one day, they won’t want to spend so much time with us. One day they will be older.
One day they will be grown and they will have many other things to take up their time, other people to listen to their stories…
It fills me with joy to know that one day they will spread their wings and fly, but at the same time, breaks my heart to think of the day when they need us less and less. One day…
TODAY is not that day.
TODAY… I will lie down with our children when they ask. I will sing Toora Loora Loora and Que Sera Sera (their favorite songs). I will pray with them. I will listen to them. I will give them my full attention.
And do you know what?
If this new bedtime routine adds ten minutes onto the end of our night, when our patience is low, and our exhaustion is high, that is ten more minutes that I was lucky enough to have spent with our children…. listening, encouraging, telling them the unspoken words that say:
TODAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME.
As I look in at my child sleeping, I think about how time goes by so quickly and how I am so glad to have these little moments now. I can remember looking at my tiny babies sleeping in their crib years ago… and now, when I look at then sleeping, they are so much older. Time goes so fast.
In ten years, those unspoken words will come back to me when he is grown, getting ready to head off to start his own life, and I ask him to stop what he is doing and sit with ME for a moment… and he does.
We only have a few years to really be present in their lives. Let’s spend these years wisely.
ps- I want to invite you to sign up for my FREE e-mail series called One on One time. It is completely free & I will send you this calendar to get you started. 🙂
If you are having trouble keeping your CHILD IN BED or helping them to SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT, these posts will be helpful:
- 2-3 year old still waking at night? Try this.
- If your child is waking too early, this works.
- This is how to keep a young child in their bed.
- How this medical advice changed our son’s sleep habits forever.
A FEW MORE PARENTING POSTS YOU MIGHT LIKE:
This was a great reminder for me. As a wife and mother of 3 small children and a 9 year old, I’m always saying “maybe tomorrow” or “only for a few minutes”. With my 9 year old, I already miss the days when she needed me more. This post makes it even more real. Tomorrow night, I will lay with my 2 year old for as long as she’d like, even if I’ve got other things that need done. Thank you for this.
Bellebyashley.blogspot.com
I have to remind myself of it often, too..
Well this just absolutely made me cry! I too am always “too busy” and, in fact, most days I don’t even tuck my kids in to bed because we want “independent children”. I’m tossing that out the window TODAY! I can’t wait to lay with them the next time they ask 🙂
Aww- I’m glad that you liked it!
Oh Wow! With tears in my eyes, thank you for this post! I’m so guilty of this! Because I’m so busy and want to leave my house spotless at night , because I want independent children, because I want perfection! NOT ANYMORE!!!
My children 10, 5 & 2 always want me to lay with them and I give them all the excuses ever, just to do what I think is right….
I will do the RIGHT THING from now on! I WILL LAY WITH THEM! 🙂
Thank you again!
Oh- I’m so glad that you liked it!!
This bit is what it’s all about to me:
“If it adds twenty minutes onto the end of our night, when our fuses are low and our exhaustion is high, that is twenty more minutes that I was lucky enough to have spent with our children…. listening, encouraging, telling them the unspoken words that say: TODAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME. ”
I lay with my boy until he’s asleep most nights. He *can* go to sleep without me (and does if he is having a little sleepover) but why should he? He wants me and I want to be with him so we cuddle and talk until he nods off. It never usually takes more than 15 minutes and it’s a lovely, safe, reassuring way for him to end the day. I work freelance from home in the evenings plus I have all the usual ‘mum’ chores to do but it’s worth spending that extra time together. For the record he is a happy, independent and very confident little boy 🙂
how sweet!
I cherish those moments, laying down with my kids…. sometimes it is difficult to strike that balance, needing to “make it quick” because so much else is waiting to get done. My kids get 5 minutes on some nights and 20 on others, and at times they kick me out prematurely, lol. I am especially making sure that I make myself available to lay down with my ten year old as he still needs to connect with me in that way. I know those days are going to be few and far between very soon so I cherish them. I think it’s ok to set limits on this because you are totally right in that you give them 20, then it’s 40 minutes, etc. and kids need to learn to fall on their own too. I do find that my 10 year old opens up and talks with me about what is going into in his mind and in his life so I will never put an end to put night-time snuggles as long as he still needs me in that way!!
*typo correction, “Fall asleep on their own, not “fall on their own”
Lol- first I checked the post to see if I wrote that (the typo) b/c I have been known to type so fast & just read it over without catching my own mistakes. 🙂 lol!
Yes. 🙂
My daughter has a stay-at-home dad, but she’s almost four and really misses having her mom nearby. It drags out the time I spend putting her to bed but I have always laid down with her to get a bit more one-on-one time. We get ready for bed, Papa reads a couple stories, then it’s prayers and lights out. Back when she first started talking I implemented the “what did you do today?” game. i wanted her to learn to appreciate what each day would bring, and it’s interesting to hear what she considers important. If it takes more than 20 min I might leave after she settles down but before she’s asleep but these days she’s no longer taking a nap and sometimes we don’t even make it through the game before she’s asleep 🙂
Thank you for such an important post. Our small community suddenly lost 2 young children over the summer. A 6 yr old girl in a terrible car accident, and an 8 yr old boy just died suddenly, of a still unknown cause. It brought our community together, as their deaths happened within a month of the other. It is a reminder how precious life is. Thank you for writing it so well.
Oh, how sad. 🙁
i’m glad that this post touched your heart.
Guilty… Thank you for the {beautifully written} reminder! Just the other night I was lying with my oldest {who recently turned 8 yrs old} and told him how much I love our time together at night. I told him it was especially sweet for me because I know in a few years he’ll say he doesn’t need me to be with him at bedtime. {He didn’t believe me, but I know the day is coming sooner than I’d like.}
Becky,
This is just beautiful. I’m right there with you– it’s hard sometimes when there are other things to do, but it’s so true that these little moments are the ones we’ll miss the most.
Don’t you just love it when a baby (or even a big kid) falls asleep in your lap? Is there anything more precious than watching them sleep? Well, maybe when they reach for you and say “mama” for the first time… wow, there are so many beautiful parts of motherhood, aren’t there?
Thanks for the reminder.
Brittany
🙂 Thanks you, too!
This post is so good. Just what I need right now. My seven year old son asks me to tuck him in and snuggle almost every night. He even tells me that he prefers me over Daddy, but I do alternate nights with my husband. It’s so true that the really good and important stuff comes out during this time. We are working on sharing feelings and talking through problems and worries. He is a highly sensitive and anxiety prone child and he needs reassurance that he is loved, he is safe sharing his deepest thoughts and feelings, and that he is important to me. It’s hard to balance enough time for each individual child and keeping up with everything else our life requires, it’s too easy to delay or forego that special bonding time, but it is so necessary.
Thanks for this article, I’ve been torn in two between should I always lie with them when they’re supposed to give me a break or should I just be disciplined and tell them to sleep when it’s sleep time. This article helped me to decide thank you!
Great 🙂 thanks for your comment, too. 🙂
My 8 yr old daughter just pinned this to her pinterest board (on my account). I think this is God reminder for me to continue to cherish those moments. I have found myself in the position as a single mom, now with only half the time I once had with my children (6 and 8). I was forced to go back to work this year as a result of my situation after being a stay at home mom. Often I find myself weary and frustrated at bedtime because of all my responsibilities, but i think they need me there more than ever as their world has suddenly been turned upside down. When I do lay with them, I often end up falling asleep, but the time and the sleep is probably more necessary than the dirty dishes, messy house, and all the little things that could be let go for another day or two or three….:) Thanks for the reminder and encouragement.
Oh my goodness- that is just the sweetest thing that she pinned it- she must love her Mama!
Ps- I fall asleep laying with them, too!
this is the favorite part of my day. Cuddle time and talks
Mine, too!
When my first three children were little bedtimes were a battle. When my fourth and fifth babies came along I began laying with them at night until they fell asleep and those memories are precious to me. I wish I had done that with my older kids.
Love that!
This is so amazing and so true. This season is so very short. Enjoy every minute and always make time.
Isn’t it? Makes my heart break to think about it being over.
And what do you suggest we say to the second child as we’re laying with the first child? “When I’m done laying with your brother”, “Not now, I’m busy”? Or am I supposed to say “Boy, I have to go lay with your sister now so she doesn’t think I love her less than you”? The sentiment is very touching and I agree that laying with our children is important for the very reasons you state, but I can’t lay with one without neglecting the other…how do you suggest I remedy this?
Well- I don’t think that 3-5 minutes of cuddle time will result in other neglected children (I should hope not) but if it would, I suppose that I would say “You’ll have to wait your turn”… a lesson that they will need to learn in life anyway. 🙂