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I have a new favorite phrase from our kids: “Mommy, will you lay with me?” Why is this my favorite? Let me tell you.
Do you hear this every night, as I do? “Mommy, can you lie down with me for a few minutes?” (or, as our little one says, “Can you lay with me?”)
Our children want me to lie down with them every night. This question is always on their minds because they love to spend time with you.
I know that our goal is to teach them to sleep through the night so they are well-rested, but these few minutes BEFORE your child falls asleep, and even before you say “Good Night,” make all of the difference.
Several years ago, a friend of the family’s son passed away after several hours of sleep while he was asleep in his room.
A week later, another seven-year-old boy passed away, only one town away, unexpectedly while he was outside playing.
One year later, another child passed away at only 36 months of age, in the middle of the night after he was put to sleep in his own bed.
This is hard for me to think about, talk about, write about, or share today. At the time of their passing, our children were very close in age to several children that had passed away. (We have four kids: born in ’06, ’08, ’10 and ’12)
Do you know what one of our kids asks me every single night as I am tucking him into bed… “Mommy, will you lay with me?” I am sad now thinking that my answer used to be:
- Just for a second, sweetie.
- Ok – for a minute. I have to make sure that your sister and brothers are all tucked in.
- I have to clean up the kitchen, so I’ll just give you a kiss & hug, ok?
- I have to do some work – so I’ll just tuck you in quickly.
- Daddy and I are going to eat dinner since we didn’t get to eat as early as you tonight, so give me a big hug & then stay in bed and get right to sleep….”
…whatever the reason, they all say the same thing to him: “Just for a second. Other things are coming first.”
I know, I know… as parents, we don’t want to start any sort of sleep problems, and many of us do not have a family bed or bed sharing (we don’t), but this is different.
This happens as you are putting them to bed. When our son is going to sleep in his own room, while we are tucking him in, we just talk.
I know that we can’t lie there all night…
Our son would expect this, as would all of our kids. “You give an inch, they take a mile”. We think we will lie down for 5 minutes; they want 20. We give 20; they want 40. (To be honest… our youngest child be happiest if I stayed 12 hours in her bed every night!)
Hold on… there is a catch.
This is when the good stuff comes out.♥
This is when I hear all of those details that teenager boys and almost-teens don’t tell their moms anymore.
The things like..
- “So & So told me that I was cute today. How disgusting. Right, Mom?”
- “Today we had a math test, and I got them all right… I was really distracted though and thought I might miss one because out in the hallway, the kids were setting up for the play. Did I tell you about the play?”
- “Did I tell you what happened at the football game in the student section last week? It was crazy.”
- “Do you remember when I had that toddler bed, and I slept with that blue stuffed animal? Do we still have it? I think I’ll give it to my kids one day. “
- .“Mom, you know how you always say that family is everything and that the younger siblings look up to me? I think it’s the truth – I heard them telling someone that they were going to play laccosse so they could practice with me. I wonder if they’ll always be that way… it’s kind of a lot of pressure to know they’re watching me, but in a good way, because I can help them by being a good example, you know?”
- “Yesterday, when I went running with a friend, he kept saying that his stomach was hurting from running, so we slowed down. It’s so hard and pretty boring to run slow, but it’s more important to be supportive than fast. It made me think about how many times you have had to slow down when we go on bike rides just so the last person isn’t riding alone.”
- “When did you first hold someone’s hand?”
- “You’ll never believe who ____ likes this year. It’s ______ ! He told me in math class today. Crazy, isn’t it? Don’t say anything because no one knows yet, but I think he might ask her to go out.”
These are the stories that come out when we put everything else aside.
These are things that happen when we forget about whatever else we have to do or want to do.
These are the conversations that happen when we just listen… when we sit down with them with only one goal: to let them know we are there to talk & listen to them.
My late grandmother used to tell me, “Enjoy our kids Enjoy every minute that you can. I loved raising my kids and if you don’t enjoy it, you’ll be missing out on so much.”
While she never suggested having a child sleep in my bed (I’ve always taught them to stay in their own beds), she always suggested talking to them every chance that I get.
She said that she loved raising her kids and that she knew I would be the same way.
My parents and my husband’s parents remind us that one day, they won’t want to spend so much time with us. One day they will be older.
One day they will be grown and they will have many other things to take up their time, other people to listen to their stories…
It fills me with joy to know that one day they will spread their wings and fly, but at the same time, breaks my heart to think of the day when they need us less and less. One day…
TODAY is not that day.
TODAY… I will lie down with our children when they ask. I will sing Toora Loora Loora and Que Sera Sera (their favorite songs). I will pray with them. I will listen to them. I will give them my full attention.
And do you know what?
If this new bedtime routine adds ten minutes onto the end of our night, when our patience is low, and our exhaustion is high, that is ten more minutes that I was lucky enough to have spent with our children…. listening, encouraging, telling them the unspoken words that say:
TODAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME.
As I look in at my child sleeping, I think about how time goes by so quickly and how I am so glad to have these little moments now. I can remember looking at my tiny babies sleeping in their crib years ago… and now, when I look at then sleeping, they are so much older. Time goes so fast.
In ten years, those unspoken words will come back to me when he is grown, getting ready to head off to start his own life, and I ask him to stop what he is doing and sit with ME for a moment… and he does.
We only have a few years to really be present in their lives. Let’s spend these years wisely.
ps- I want to invite you to sign up for my FREE e-mail series called One on One time. It is completely free & I will send you this calendar to get you started. 🙂
If you are having trouble keeping your CHILD IN BED or helping them to SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT, these posts will be helpful:
- 2-3 year old still waking at night? Try this.
- If your child is waking too early, this works.
- This is how to keep a young child in their bed.
- How this medical advice changed our son’s sleep habits forever.
A FEW MORE PARENTING POSTS YOU MIGHT LIKE:
Either my older two did not ask this of me, or I brushed them off with “I’m too busy” and don’t remember, but I take advantage with my youngest (now 1) and usually cave in with my older two. Right now, my 1 year old still sleeps with us. She starts in her crib (in our room) and then usually ends up in our bed. People/Family criticize but this is my last baby and I will cherish every second. My big kids ask to sleep in our bed or in our room and I don’t turn them away anymore. I savor every chance I can have with them. One, you never know when today is the last day and two, time goes far too quickly. Soon, none of them will want to sleep with me or lay down with me or cuddle with me. Sometimes we brush them aside and don’t realize until it’s too late. Your post both broke my heart for the loss of those children, but warmed me as a reminder to slow down and love my children.
THanks for writing that, Leila. I completely agree- it is hard to realize how much each moment counts.
I totally understand! Mine is only 18 months old, but I get caught up in busy life and she is growing so quick. I need to slow down and spend quality time, the other things will take care of themselves. Thanks for the reminder.
This is great! I hear that every night as well and it is hard when there are other fires still burning but I try to do my best and give everybody their own time and love. We have 5 and by bedtime I am exhausted but I have also found that this is one of the best times to bond. Thank you for the post!
This post couldn’t have come at a better time. I have been struggling trying to get my little one into her own bed at night. Since we started trying to get her to be more independent with going to sleep – our hearts break a little more each night she cries for us. We still go and tend to her, but the fact that she even has a split second of fear because we’re not right there next to her… it just causes so much turmoil for my husband and I. Needless to say, we have decided she is just not ready to close her eyes and go to sleep without us next to her – and we decided to lay next to her. And wouldn’t you know it? Not one tear, full, consolidated sleep – for all of us. I know your post isn’t necessarily about sleep – but rather spending those special moments with our kids and really allowing ourselves to enjoy these moments. But your post really hit home for me – at the perfect time. Your son’s request just melts my heart. Wonderful post and reminder! Thank you!
This is a great reminder to slow down and see that our kids want us. I have three kids, and I am extremely emotional. I try my best to be there for each of them equally. I sometimes lose sight of the fact that they do still need me to comfort them.
My youngest actually curls up with me or my husband every night and falls asleep in the living room and then my hubs will carry him to bed. He’s 4 and 48 lbs!! We still have not mastered making him go to bed with his brother. Maybe because he’s our youngest and we don’t want to end the cuddle time? His older brother has to be asleep or it’s a long battle and he’ll wake up lil Nathan…I have seen many families lose a child tragically and I know that our time with them is always too short. For now, this is what works for us. It’s funny I came across your post this morning because after dropping him to school that was the exact thought that was crossing my mind, was when are we going to break this habit of carrying him to bed every single night?
It’s true, kids do grow up too quickly! It’s good that you realize the time spent with them is precious. Other things can wait. They’re only that age for a little while.
You are soooo right! It is so easy to get caught up in tasks that we miss moments. I want to treasure every moment with my little one before he is off somewhere making the world a better place and my call goes to voicemail. He’s only 1 so I am looking forward to him asking me to tuck him in.
My wife and I have 5 kids, aged 18 down to 7. I’m at my personal worst around bedtime and in the mornings and that’s when my kids seem to need the most attention. Years ago, I took on the responsibility of getting them up in the morning and getting them ready for school (my wife usually has to go into work before I do), and putting them to bed at night. I realized early on that my kids are at their personal best at bedtime (one of the times I mentioned, I’m at my personal worst). I try hard to not rush through bedtime rituals (prayers, etc.) and some golden moments happen then, just as you described. I scream at my kids, criticize them, tell them how much they frustrate me, and tell them to improve whatever needs improvement, but I also praise them and try to give them as much time as they want, which is less and less, the older they get, and in the end, my kids know I love them fiercely, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them. Your article is right on the money. If they want kisses, cuddling, time together – the hardest thing, I never deny them if I have the option to give them what they want. My kids are the greatest thing in my life – my greatest accomplishment. You can tell me I’m smart or nice or handsome or whatever, but you can pay me no higher compliment than to say that one of my kids is well-mannered or nice. Fatherhood is a great great thing and these absentee fathers miss the boat entirely. They’re missing out on the beauty in life. With five kids and a small business, I still have time to socialize with friends regularly and fulfill other obligations. Pay attention to your kids, because they won’t always be kids and they won’t always want to spend time with you. Sleep when you’re dead 😉
My grandma used to tell me that “enjoy your kids now because one day you will be too old to run around with them, so you can sit around then” 🙂 lol.
My 7y/o asks me this all the time. “I want someone to lay down next to me.” I say no a lot of the time because I have other things to do and I’m tired. But when I do say yes, we have the sweetest moments. I need to say yes more often.
Same here, with our 7 year old… 🙂
This is great! So true…they will be gone in a blink of an eye. My baby will be 16 in a couple of months, but I always used to lay down with her at bedtime. Even on those nights when that was the last thing I wanted to do. Enjoy it, these moments are so fleeting.
16? Wow- I can’t imagine that day.. I’m sure it will come too soon!
Ah the end of the day is so tough, isn’t it? I always feel compelled to rush to the finish line, get to done as soon as I possibly can. But you’re right. This is when the good info comes out, every time.
That’s just it- I feel rushed to get them in bed & have a little time to ourselves and get them to sleep to avoid sleepy kids in the morning… but then we miss out on some great stuff!
This made me cry~ I have 3.5 year old and 21 month old boys and my 3.5 year old wants me to lay with him every night. AND I DO. I don’t care if the house is a mess or if I fall asleep in his bed before he does. It IS that time that we connect most than any other time of the day. I hope that I can maintain this bond with my sons. I love them and these days and I hope they last forever. 🙂
I love that! Thanks for sharing!
Such an absolutely beautiful post.
Laying with my son each night, listening to what’s in his head, is my favorite part of the day.
Agreed. 🙂
You hit home with this one! I experience this almost every night with at least 1 of my 3 kiddos (9,6,4)
Thank you!!!
🙂 I’m glad!! 🙂 Your kids are close in ages to mine (8, 6, 4, 2)