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I have a new favorite phrase from our kids: “Mommy, will you lay with me?” Why is this my favorite? Let me tell you.
Do you hear this every night, as I do? “Mommy, can you lie down with me for a few minutes?” (or, as our little one says, “Can you lay with me?”)
Our children want me to lie down with them every night. This question is always on their minds because they love to spend time with you.
I know that our goal is to teach them to sleep through the night so they are well-rested, but these few minutes BEFORE your child falls asleep, and even before you say “Good Night,” make all of the difference.
Several years ago, a friend of the family’s son passed away after several hours of sleep while he was asleep in his room.
A week later, another seven-year-old boy passed away, only one town away, unexpectedly while he was outside playing.
One year later, another child passed away at only 36 months of age, in the middle of the night after he was put to sleep in his own bed.
This is hard for me to think about, talk about, write about, or share today. At the time of their passing, our children were very close in age to several children that had passed away. (We have four kids: born in ’06, ’08, ’10 and ’12)
Do you know what one of our kids asks me every single night as I am tucking him into bed… “Mommy, will you lay with me?” I am sad now thinking that my answer used to be:
- Just for a second, sweetie.
- Ok – for a minute. I have to make sure that your sister and brothers are all tucked in.
- I have to clean up the kitchen, so I’ll just give you a kiss & hug, ok?
- I have to do some work – so I’ll just tuck you in quickly.
- Daddy and I are going to eat dinner since we didn’t get to eat as early as you tonight, so give me a big hug & then stay in bed and get right to sleep….”
…whatever the reason, they all say the same thing to him: “Just for a second. Other things are coming first.”
I know, I know… as parents, we don’t want to start any sort of sleep problems, and many of us do not have a family bed or bed sharing (we don’t), but this is different.
This happens as you are putting them to bed. When our son is going to sleep in his own room, while we are tucking him in, we just talk.
I know that we can’t lie there all night…
Our son would expect this, as would all of our kids. “You give an inch, they take a mile”. We think we will lie down for 5 minutes; they want 20. We give 20; they want 40. (To be honest… our youngest child be happiest if I stayed 12 hours in her bed every night!)
Hold on… there is a catch.
This is when the good stuff comes out.♥
This is when I hear all of those details that teenager boys and almost-teens don’t tell their moms anymore.
The things like..
- “So & So told me that I was cute today. How disgusting. Right, Mom?”
- “Today we had a math test, and I got them all right… I was really distracted though and thought I might miss one because out in the hallway, the kids were setting up for the play. Did I tell you about the play?”
- “Did I tell you what happened at the football game in the student section last week? It was crazy.”
- “Do you remember when I had that toddler bed, and I slept with that blue stuffed animal? Do we still have it? I think I’ll give it to my kids one day. “
- .“Mom, you know how you always say that family is everything and that the younger siblings look up to me? I think it’s the truth – I heard them telling someone that they were going to play laccosse so they could practice with me. I wonder if they’ll always be that way… it’s kind of a lot of pressure to know they’re watching me, but in a good way, because I can help them by being a good example, you know?”
- “Yesterday, when I went running with a friend, he kept saying that his stomach was hurting from running, so we slowed down. It’s so hard and pretty boring to run slow, but it’s more important to be supportive than fast. It made me think about how many times you have had to slow down when we go on bike rides just so the last person isn’t riding alone.”
- “When did you first hold someone’s hand?”
- “You’ll never believe who ____ likes this year. It’s ______ ! He told me in math class today. Crazy, isn’t it? Don’t say anything because no one knows yet, but I think he might ask her to go out.”
These are the stories that come out when we put everything else aside.
These are things that happen when we forget about whatever else we have to do or want to do.
These are the conversations that happen when we just listen… when we sit down with them with only one goal: to let them know we are there to talk & listen to them.
My late grandmother used to tell me, “Enjoy our kids Enjoy every minute that you can. I loved raising my kids and if you don’t enjoy it, you’ll be missing out on so much.”
While she never suggested having a child sleep in my bed (I’ve always taught them to stay in their own beds), she always suggested talking to them every chance that I get.
She said that she loved raising her kids and that she knew I would be the same way.
My parents and my husband’s parents remind us that one day, they won’t want to spend so much time with us. One day they will be older.
One day they will be grown and they will have many other things to take up their time, other people to listen to their stories…
It fills me with joy to know that one day they will spread their wings and fly, but at the same time, breaks my heart to think of the day when they need us less and less. One day…
TODAY is not that day.
TODAY… I will lie down with our children when they ask. I will sing Toora Loora Loora and Que Sera Sera (their favorite songs). I will pray with them. I will listen to them. I will give them my full attention.
And do you know what?
If this new bedtime routine adds ten minutes onto the end of our night, when our patience is low, and our exhaustion is high, that is ten more minutes that I was lucky enough to have spent with our children…. listening, encouraging, telling them the unspoken words that say:
TODAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME.
As I look in at my child sleeping, I think about how time goes by so quickly and how I am so glad to have these little moments now. I can remember looking at my tiny babies sleeping in their crib years ago… and now, when I look at then sleeping, they are so much older. Time goes so fast.
In ten years, those unspoken words will come back to me when he is grown, getting ready to head off to start his own life, and I ask him to stop what he is doing and sit with ME for a moment… and he does.
We only have a few years to really be present in their lives. Let’s spend these years wisely.
ps- I want to invite you to sign up for my FREE e-mail series called One on One time. It is completely free & I will send you this calendar to get you started. 🙂
If you are having trouble keeping your CHILD IN BED or helping them to SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT, these posts will be helpful:
- 2-3 year old still waking at night? Try this.
- If your child is waking too early, this works.
- This is how to keep a young child in their bed.
- How this medical advice changed our son’s sleep habits forever.
A FEW MORE PARENTING POSTS YOU MIGHT LIKE:
Thank you for this. Some of the best conversations I’ve had with my boys (now 15 and 13) has been late at night when they were “supposed to be sleeping”. I wouldn’t have traded it for anything. When I had my boys I had an expectation that they would be somewhat cold and distant, reserved. They are anything but. To this day they give me hugs and want to snuggle with me on the couch watching TV. And I think it’s because I spent that time with them way back when, in the dark when life seems a little scarier and you just need your Mom.
yes! It might be their way of putting off going to sleep, but it is also when they open up and share everything. 🙂
Becky,
We also know two families who lost their boys tragically. I always told my self I won’t take anything for granted with our three children. Everyday is a gift. Thank you for this beautiful reminder of what is truly important. We have an almost 12 yr old son, a nine yr old daughter, and a just turned three yr old son. Often times the youngest gets my time at bedtime leaving the other two on their own. My husband works nights and its hard to be there for all three. I am going to change the way I do things from now on. I don’t want to look back ten years from now and regret not making time for all of them.
They all still ask for me to snuggle with them from time to time and that is a blessing.
We had to arrange our schedule for it, too. I send them all to their rooms to read and then I go to each room and tuck them in. Its about 30-40 minutes a night to get all 4 tucked in and snuggled up for the night. 🙂
Thank you so much for the wonderful reminder about how special time with our kids are. I literally just read this after telling my 4 year old that I didn’t have time to play another game of Go Fish, but that I had things to do. While yes, there are things to do, I think from now on I want to word it differently, so they don’t think those “chores” are more important than time with them. Maybe, “How about we do laundry and dishes together, and then we can play another game?” To them, spending time with us us a huge priority, and I totally agree that we won’t get this time back. Thanks for the wonderful post!
Thank you! 🙂
Great article! My husband and I used to fight with our son each night at bedtime. He would get out of bed 4-5 times, calling for us with a million and one excuses: “I forgot to kiss you goodnight” (we had all done hugs and kisses already), “I have to pee” (even though he went before bed), etc., etc. Then, he asked us once to lay with him. I said I would but I had the same answer as you…”Just for a bit, no more than two songs” [he falls asleep each night to his favourite Rock-a-Baby U2 cd].
Then, something miraculous happened. He stayed in bed. He didn’t have a million and one excuses to get out of bed. We snuggled and chatted briefly about the day or about tomorrow. And now, on average, he is fast asleep within a few minutes or two songs automatically without me having to say “Just for two songs” when it used to be a good half hour of struggle each night! AND…I find myself often staying for an extra song even though he’s fallen asleep already just to lay there and snuggle and watch him sleep cuz once he gets older, this will be ‘Gross Mom!” 🙂
haha!! That’s so sweet though!
i love this article. My three kiddos are 2.5 and 7 months (two are twins) and even though they are young I think of these coming and the nights my mom had with when we would ask. I want to be that mom that gives that extra time to our kids and look forward to these moments. Thanks for this!!
Aww- those ages are so fun!
Thank you for your sweet comment.
thanks for the reminder! love your site 🙂
Thank you.
I love everything about this post. It’s so important to take the time to just BE with our children, despite the daily shuffle. In our house, my kids call this a “snuggle party” 🙂
Ha!! Love that!
I love this idea. Here’s the idea I had to combat my 5 littles begging for my snuggles at night. Each of them gets a weeknight and Daddy “gets the weekend” (basically, Mommy gets a break!). This has been a great time for me to be with each one. My oldest (8) saves up questions for a conversation and likes when I read to her. The littlest girl likes to sing with me. The others have their favorites too. It’s usually only about 10 -15 minutes, but each child knows that they have mommy’s attention on that night!
That’s a great idea for a large family!
For every Mom and Dad out there in internet land, please think about incorporating this into your evening ritual almost every night. I did, over 20 years ago. And funny thing? It still happens with my 27 year old daughter when she comes back home into the country. (And I am confident that my daughter who died over 9 years ago would be the same way.) I.WOULD.NOT.TRADE.ANY.OF.THAT.TIME.FOR.ANYTHING. We had the best conversations, times to encourage them, time to pray for them and time to cuddle with them. Did I fall asleep sometimes? You bet! And they would nudge me to wake up because I was snoring. lol Were the dishes still downstairs waiting for to be washed? Was the laundry waiting to be folded for the third night in a row? Absolutely! But more importantly, my daughters’ hearts were there waiting to be nurtured and loved and their voices were waiting to be heard. The chores and the sleep can wait… their growing up doesn’t.
Thank you for posting this!! Agreed – everything else can wait, but the relationship that is growing between you and your child cannot. 🙂
Thanks, Tammy!
I needed to read this today. I lost a child over 5 years ago and completely understand how life can turn on a dime. I went from being a Type A to a Type B instantly. I didn’t care if the dishes were done, or if the floor was swept. I would go out and push him on the swing. Many times I left the kitchen chores to the next day, knowing how precious life is and how quickly they grow up. I’ve always laid down with my son, but there are times that I’m tired and I need to finish my work, send emails, take a shower, whatever, and I tell him no. I have the same thoughts about him expecting it, waiting to hear, “I can’t sleep without you lying down with me.” It’s also the same about giving an inch and taking a mile. As the years have gone by I noticed that things return to as normal as you can get after your child dies. With that comes forgetting how todays quickly turn into tomorrows and the “Just for 5 minutes,” or “Not tonights,” come more easily. Thank you for reminding me of what is truly important. Gotta go. It’s almost bedtime!
Oh goodness- I’m so sorry. I wish that I had the right words to tell you how I feel after reading that. Thank you for leaving your story for me to read. Thank you for reminding me what is important, too.
I have some of these same feelings all the time and your article just swayed me to stop writing in my blog about my kids and go lay with them for just one more minute. They grow up so fast and really how much one on one time to I get with each of them. I should cherish the times they do want to snuggle. Thank you for reminding me of that tonight.
Alison
theguiltymommy.com
Thanks, Alison! They do grow up fast, don’t they? Too fast…
My son Caleb died on September 3, 2013. He didn’t quite make it to 7… forever 6. Lying down with him was my favorite thing in the world.
Thank you for “getting it” and spreading the word!
Ellen, I am so sorry. Reading your story gave me the chills and makes my heart break for your loss. Thank you for taking the time to comment on this- it means more than you know.
Praying for you…
Thanks for the reminder, I am a stay at home mom and I catch my self saying all of what you put in your article. She is almost in school and I know I will miss her. Thanks again we all need to slow down and enjoy our blessings from God.
Thanks, Brandy! You’ll miss her next year. I love when 3:30 rolls around and the kids are all home again! 🙂
I love this article. and it reinforces my disappointment with myself for allowing other things to come first. It is not intentional, its just that I am the only one responsible for my two care. thank you for being informative about stuff no one wants to talk about. this was awesome!
Its never intentional for me, either. It serves as a reminder for me, as well. 🙂
My daughter is now 14 and up until she was 12 she asked me to lay with her every night. Sometimes it stretched out to long then became a habit but I got that under control. I had the same experience you did. Those moments are when my daughter just told me everything that was on her mind. I used to say “my daughter doesn’t share with me, I’m afraid she is keeping her good/bad feelings inside” then realized literally her safe place was in her bed just before sleep and whatever was going on came out. Each day when I ask how school was or if anything good happened, I received “fine, OK,
Good” them at night in 10 minutes she would share all the real things I wanted to hear about. Sometimes we end up giggling about something and get out of control laughing but those are the best moments ever. To know my daughter goes to sleep with a smile on her face, or a little releif from a problem warms my heart! I don’t think you can share this post to much! 10 minutes of “just lay down beside me”time at bedtime can make problems disappear, and fill hearts with love! Thank you! Jeanne
🙂 Love that, Jeanne!!!