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I have a new favorite phrase from our kids: “Mommy, will you lay with me?” Why is this my favorite? Let me tell you.
Do you hear this every night, as I do? “Mommy, can you lie down with me for a few minutes?” (or, as our little one says, “Can you lay with me?”)
Our children want me to lie down with them every night. This question is always on their minds because they love to spend time with you.
I know that our goal is to teach them to sleep through the night so they are well-rested, but these few minutes BEFORE your child falls asleep, and even before you say “Good Night,” make all of the difference.
Several years ago, a friend of the family’s son passed away after several hours of sleep while he was asleep in his room.
A week later, another seven-year-old boy passed away, only one town away, unexpectedly while he was outside playing.
One year later, another child passed away at only 36 months of age, in the middle of the night after he was put to sleep in his own bed.
This is hard for me to think about, talk about, write about, or share today. At the time of their passing, our children were very close in age to several children that had passed away. (We have four kids: born in ’06, ’08, ’10 and ’12)
Do you know what one of our kids asks me every single night as I am tucking him into bed… “Mommy, will you lay with me?” I am sad now thinking that my answer used to be:
- Just for a second, sweetie.
- Ok – for a minute. I have to make sure that your sister and brothers are all tucked in.
- I have to clean up the kitchen, so I’ll just give you a kiss & hug, ok?
- I have to do some work – so I’ll just tuck you in quickly.
- Daddy and I are going to eat dinner since we didn’t get to eat as early as you tonight, so give me a big hug & then stay in bed and get right to sleep….”
…whatever the reason, they all say the same thing to him: “Just for a second. Other things are coming first.”
I know, I know… as parents, we don’t want to start any sort of sleep problems, and many of us do not have a family bed or bed sharing (we don’t), but this is different.
This happens as you are putting them to bed. When our son is going to sleep in his own room, while we are tucking him in, we just talk.
I know that we can’t lie there all night…
Our son would expect this, as would all of our kids. “You give an inch, they take a mile”. We think we will lie down for 5 minutes; they want 20. We give 20; they want 40. (To be honest… our youngest child be happiest if I stayed 12 hours in her bed every night!)
Hold on… there is a catch.
This is when the good stuff comes out.♥
This is when I hear all of those details that teenager boys and almost-teens don’t tell their moms anymore.
The things like..
- “So & So told me that I was cute today. How disgusting. Right, Mom?”
- “Today we had a math test, and I got them all right… I was really distracted though and thought I might miss one because out in the hallway, the kids were setting up for the play. Did I tell you about the play?”
- “Did I tell you what happened at the football game in the student section last week? It was crazy.”
- “Do you remember when I had that toddler bed, and I slept with that blue stuffed animal? Do we still have it? I think I’ll give it to my kids one day. “
- .“Mom, you know how you always say that family is everything and that the younger siblings look up to me? I think it’s the truth – I heard them telling someone that they were going to play laccosse so they could practice with me. I wonder if they’ll always be that way… it’s kind of a lot of pressure to know they’re watching me, but in a good way, because I can help them by being a good example, you know?”
- “Yesterday, when I went running with a friend, he kept saying that his stomach was hurting from running, so we slowed down. It’s so hard and pretty boring to run slow, but it’s more important to be supportive than fast. It made me think about how many times you have had to slow down when we go on bike rides just so the last person isn’t riding alone.”
- “When did you first hold someone’s hand?”
- “You’ll never believe who ____ likes this year. It’s ______ ! He told me in math class today. Crazy, isn’t it? Don’t say anything because no one knows yet, but I think he might ask her to go out.”
These are the stories that come out when we put everything else aside.
These are things that happen when we forget about whatever else we have to do or want to do.
These are the conversations that happen when we just listen… when we sit down with them with only one goal: to let them know we are there to talk & listen to them.
My late grandmother used to tell me, “Enjoy our kids Enjoy every minute that you can. I loved raising my kids and if you don’t enjoy it, you’ll be missing out on so much.”
While she never suggested having a child sleep in my bed (I’ve always taught them to stay in their own beds), she always suggested talking to them every chance that I get.
She said that she loved raising her kids and that she knew I would be the same way.
My parents and my husband’s parents remind us that one day, they won’t want to spend so much time with us. One day they will be older.
One day they will be grown and they will have many other things to take up their time, other people to listen to their stories…
It fills me with joy to know that one day they will spread their wings and fly, but at the same time, breaks my heart to think of the day when they need us less and less. One day…
TODAY is not that day.
TODAY… I will lie down with our children when they ask. I will sing Toora Loora Loora and Que Sera Sera (their favorite songs). I will pray with them. I will listen to them. I will give them my full attention.
And do you know what?
If this new bedtime routine adds ten minutes onto the end of our night, when our patience is low, and our exhaustion is high, that is ten more minutes that I was lucky enough to have spent with our children…. listening, encouraging, telling them the unspoken words that say:
TODAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME.
As I look in at my child sleeping, I think about how time goes by so quickly and how I am so glad to have these little moments now. I can remember looking at my tiny babies sleeping in their crib years ago… and now, when I look at then sleeping, they are so much older. Time goes so fast.
In ten years, those unspoken words will come back to me when he is grown, getting ready to head off to start his own life, and I ask him to stop what he is doing and sit with ME for a moment… and he does.
We only have a few years to really be present in their lives. Let’s spend these years wisely.
ps- I want to invite you to sign up for my FREE e-mail series called One on One time. It is completely free & I will send you this calendar to get you started. 🙂
If you are having trouble keeping your CHILD IN BED or helping them to SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT, these posts will be helpful:
- 2-3 year old still waking at night? Try this.
- If your child is waking too early, this works.
- This is how to keep a young child in their bed.
- How this medical advice changed our son’s sleep habits forever.
A FEW MORE PARENTING POSTS YOU MIGHT LIKE:
My daughter (now 26) used to wrap her little finger around my belt loop when i lay with her. ‘So that you can’t get away, Daddy.’ So sweet. I miss that!
oh my goodness- how sweet is that?!
Can you lay with me mommy? This was a great reminder of the need to slow down & enjoy the moment, while we still can! My 14 yr old daughter talks more in the car when it’s just the 2 of us. But my 17 year ols son STILL likes to lay in our bed, playing on his ipod, until I “happen” to go in my room for something. Usually, our dog follows me in & jumps on the bed which leads to the 3 of us snuggling. You wouldn’t believe the things I’ve learned in those short moments! My son opens up to me through the dog, telling him about his day, but the awaiting my replies to what he’s said. I just LOVE these special times, and know they are now quickly coming to an end. So I, too, say TAKE those extra 5 minutes, tune out your mental list of things yet to do, and lay with your child. You will never be sorry you “wasted” that time!! Thank you, Becky, for reminding me how special these times are!! Fantastic article!
haha!!
Thank you so much for commenting & sharing your story! (My husband says that about car rides with our kids – he loves the one on one car trips for that reason)
How convicting! Last night my boys asked to sleep together and my 12YO said ‘I’ll tuck Andrew in” about his 9YO brother. When I went in to check on the and kiss thm goodnight, the little one is as crying about something that happened at school. I never would have known if I hadn’t gone in to spend time with them. Work is never finished, but our time with our children is limited.
Oh goodness- thank you for sharing that story with me!
Totally agree with you. Part of our nighttime routine with my 9 yr old daughter includes me going in to lay down with her after my wife says goodnight. It’s usually about 10 minutes and sometimes she wants me to scratch her back, sometimes we goof around and get “in trouble” for laughing too loud (might wake up her two year old brother) but often we just chat. And it is a time that I am able to connect with her about her day and her faith. We will discuss things that at other points in the day if I asked about would get a one word response. The ironic thing is that while it is hard to commit those minutes each night (more than time well spent of course) I am dreading the day that the routine changes. She’s growing up fast.
haha- yes, we do the back-scratching here, too!! 🙂 I told our son last week “You just love me for my nails” haha!!! Yes- it is hard to commit- 10 minutes doesn’t seem like much, until it is nighttime and we are exhausted. 🙂
this is why when either of my kids would like me to sleep with them I do, eventually they wont and I dont want to miss those special moments of lying in the dark discussing “stuff”
Exactly! 🙂
Our little man is 21 months old and our normal nightly ritual is, after big sis goes to bed (she is 12) and daddy goes to bed and it is just Cavin and I we turn out all the lights leaving only the TV on. We then curl up in the recliner and kick it all the way back snuggle up tight and I whisper “I love you” several times as he drifts off to sleep.
Now this wasn’t always the way I did it. I could not wait for him to go to bed so I could catch up on the days chores. Then one year ago today a lady in our church who had a son just 3 months older than our son got a call that no mother wants. Daycare called and said that her son had passed away in his sleep. He had just turned 1 the day before.
Life is far too short to worry about the dirty dishes, the floor that needs swept, the basket of laundry that needs done/folded/ put away. If Cavin wants to sit and cuddle I try to stop what I am doing and spend that time with him, You are not guaranteed tomorrow so I try and cherish today.
Oh no- that’s so sad! I can’t imagine that phone call. Cherish the moments that we have. You are so right.
Love this! We are parents who lie down with our girls ages 5 and 7. The problem is we end up falling asleep for up to 2 hours in their beds!?! Sometimes we want to leave before falling asleep but we get meltdowns from our 5 year old.
HELP! Any suggestions?
Sometimes I will give them a time on the clock: “When this number is a 9, I am going to leave your room.” 🙂
Hope that helps! You could also do a sticker chart- if you stay in here without crying when I leave, you can put a sticker on the calendar in the morning. If you get three, we will play a special game.”
I had very sensitive, enlightened parents in the 1950’s! My dad would come in and sing to me while mom read stories to my little brother. Then, they would switch places. Some of the best childhood memories of being loved and treasured came from these bedtime rituals. Until my own son was 8 or 9, I would spend lots of time with him at bedtime. Then, my husband took a very demanding, physical job and would always be sound asleep before I finished with the bedtime routine. I had to choose to be with him over our child most nights after that, something I regret to this day. My son his in his 20’s now, and I know he still needed me as he got through early childhood. Wish I’d had a good solution way back when.
Thank you for sharing that. We can only do what we know to be best at the time. You seem like such a loving Mama (and so much like me feeling guilty for things! lol!)
Hi Becky,
This post hit home but then when you mentioned, Toora Loora Loora, I teared up. It is a song that has been passed down in my Irish family since the early 1900’s. I could relate to everything you said. They are only so small for such a small period of time…I want to lay with them as long as I can! Thank you for the beautiful article.
Oh- thank you, Ali!! (Ps- our daughter’s name is Allie) 🙂
Love this! Especially, “telling them the unspoken words that say: TODAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME. ” it is hard at the end of the bedtime routine to stay, but it’s when my 5 and 8 year old spill it all. It’s when my youngest asks me to sit by her for 30-50-60, which equates a long time.
🙂 Same thing in our house!
Thank you for this. I have a 5 year old son as well and he asks me to lay with him all the time and I always say for just a minute. We were recently blessed with twin girls who are almost 8 months now. We try to put the babies down the same time as him to save our sanity but it doesn’t always work especially when my husband isn’t home. I see my sons little heart break on the days when I say I can’t lie down tonight. He knows why but it’s still hard to tell him no. Especially since the arrival or his sisters was harder on him than anyone else. We had to move to a bigger house and he changed schools and lost a lot of the attention he was getting from us all the time cause he was an only child. Thank you again for this post cause it is very personal to me right now and you’re right even if I have things to do, when he asks I should be there with him cause he won’t it forever!
I’m so glad that it helped. I can relate. Sometimes it just can’t happen, but at least we know enough to make the effort on nights when it can. 🙂
Oh I needed to hear this! My 2 year old says (constantly throughout the day), “Nuggle wid me!” And while I do stop and “nuggle” a lot of times there are many more times when I say, “Just a minute!” and that minute never comes because I’m so busy. Great reminder. Thank you.
I’m glad that you liked it (and I love that you used his little words in there- too cute!!!)
Hi, oh how I love when my children ask me to lay down with them! We have a 12 year girl and an 8 1/2 year old girl. Those are the best times to share things between you and them! My 12 year old use to like for us to read before bedtime but now she thinks she is to old. I find we are never too old for anything!
Looking forward to reading more of your posts!
Thank you, Cindy!
Great article! Posted on FB and loved the comments from my friends. Changed my perspective on what used to be a trying question.
🙂 Thanks, Jenna!
Everyday since I read this article, I have made a point to lay with each of my kids for 10 minutes. Today my son told me tht he told all of his friends that I could break a block because I have a black belt (I did break a block to earn my black belt when I was 18, now 33) and also that Daddy says, “I used to beat up all the boys.” Well, that will be something fun to explain at the Valentines day party. 🙂 Every night has been totally worth the extra time. Thanks so much for making me slow down and cuddle
HAHA!! Love it, Alison!! That’s hilarious!