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I have a new favorite phrase from our kids: “Mommy, will you lay with me?” Why is this my favorite? Let me tell you.
Do you hear this every night, as I do? “Mommy, can you lie down with me for a few minutes?” (or, as our little one says, “Can you lay with me?”)
Our children want me to lie down with them every night. This question is always on their minds because they love to spend time with you.
I know that our goal is to teach them to sleep through the night so they are well-rested, but these few minutes BEFORE your child falls asleep, and even before you say “Good Night,” make all of the difference.
Several years ago, a friend of the family’s son passed away after several hours of sleep while he was asleep in his room.
A week later, another seven-year-old boy passed away, only one town away, unexpectedly while he was outside playing.
One year later, another child passed away at only 36 months of age, in the middle of the night after he was put to sleep in his own bed.
This is hard for me to think about, talk about, write about, or share today. At the time of their passing, our children were very close in age to several children that had passed away. (We have four kids: born in ’06, ’08, ’10 and ’12)
Do you know what one of our kids asks me every single night as I am tucking him into bed… “Mommy, will you lay with me?” I am sad now thinking that my answer used to be:
- Just for a second, sweetie.
- Ok – for a minute. I have to make sure that your sister and brothers are all tucked in.
- I have to clean up the kitchen, so I’ll just give you a kiss & hug, ok?
- I have to do some work – so I’ll just tuck you in quickly.
- Daddy and I are going to eat dinner since we didn’t get to eat as early as you tonight, so give me a big hug & then stay in bed and get right to sleep….”
…whatever the reason, they all say the same thing to him: “Just for a second. Other things are coming first.”
I know, I know… as parents, we don’t want to start any sort of sleep problems, and many of us do not have a family bed or bed sharing (we don’t), but this is different.
This happens as you are putting them to bed. When our son is going to sleep in his own room, while we are tucking him in, we just talk.
I know that we can’t lie there all night…
Our son would expect this, as would all of our kids. “You give an inch, they take a mile”. We think we will lie down for 5 minutes; they want 20. We give 20; they want 40. (To be honest… our youngest child be happiest if I stayed 12 hours in her bed every night!)
Hold on… there is a catch.
This is when the good stuff comes out.♥
This is when I hear all of those details that teenager boys and almost-teens don’t tell their moms anymore.
The things like..
- “So & So told me that I was cute today. How disgusting. Right, Mom?”
- “Today we had a math test, and I got them all right… I was really distracted though and thought I might miss one because out in the hallway, the kids were setting up for the play. Did I tell you about the play?”
- “Did I tell you what happened at the football game in the student section last week? It was crazy.”
- “Do you remember when I had that toddler bed, and I slept with that blue stuffed animal? Do we still have it? I think I’ll give it to my kids one day. “
- .“Mom, you know how you always say that family is everything and that the younger siblings look up to me? I think it’s the truth – I heard them telling someone that they were going to play laccosse so they could practice with me. I wonder if they’ll always be that way… it’s kind of a lot of pressure to know they’re watching me, but in a good way, because I can help them by being a good example, you know?”
- “Yesterday, when I went running with a friend, he kept saying that his stomach was hurting from running, so we slowed down. It’s so hard and pretty boring to run slow, but it’s more important to be supportive than fast. It made me think about how many times you have had to slow down when we go on bike rides just so the last person isn’t riding alone.”
- “When did you first hold someone’s hand?”
- “You’ll never believe who ____ likes this year. It’s ______ ! He told me in math class today. Crazy, isn’t it? Don’t say anything because no one knows yet, but I think he might ask her to go out.”
These are the stories that come out when we put everything else aside.
These are things that happen when we forget about whatever else we have to do or want to do.
These are the conversations that happen when we just listen… when we sit down with them with only one goal: to let them know we are there to talk & listen to them.
My late grandmother used to tell me, “Enjoy our kids Enjoy every minute that you can. I loved raising my kids and if you don’t enjoy it, you’ll be missing out on so much.”
While she never suggested having a child sleep in my bed (I’ve always taught them to stay in their own beds), she always suggested talking to them every chance that I get.
She said that she loved raising her kids and that she knew I would be the same way.
My parents and my husband’s parents remind us that one day, they won’t want to spend so much time with us. One day they will be older.
One day they will be grown and they will have many other things to take up their time, other people to listen to their stories…
It fills me with joy to know that one day they will spread their wings and fly, but at the same time, breaks my heart to think of the day when they need us less and less. One day…
TODAY is not that day.
TODAY… I will lie down with our children when they ask. I will sing Toora Loora Loora and Que Sera Sera (their favorite songs). I will pray with them. I will listen to them. I will give them my full attention.
And do you know what?
If this new bedtime routine adds ten minutes onto the end of our night, when our patience is low, and our exhaustion is high, that is ten more minutes that I was lucky enough to have spent with our children…. listening, encouraging, telling them the unspoken words that say:
TODAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME.
As I look in at my child sleeping, I think about how time goes by so quickly and how I am so glad to have these little moments now. I can remember looking at my tiny babies sleeping in their crib years ago… and now, when I look at then sleeping, they are so much older. Time goes so fast.
In ten years, those unspoken words will come back to me when he is grown, getting ready to head off to start his own life, and I ask him to stop what he is doing and sit with ME for a moment… and he does.
We only have a few years to really be present in their lives. Let’s spend these years wisely.
ps- I want to invite you to sign up for my FREE e-mail series called One on One time. It is completely free & I will send you this calendar to get you started. 🙂
If you are having trouble keeping your CHILD IN BED or helping them to SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT, these posts will be helpful:
- 2-3 year old still waking at night? Try this.
- If your child is waking too early, this works.
- This is how to keep a young child in their bed.
- How this medical advice changed our son’s sleep habits forever.
A FEW MORE PARENTING POSTS YOU MIGHT LIKE:
Thank you for sharing!!! This post brought tears to my eyes…I’m pregnant and also have a 5 years old fantastic girl. She always says that to me even what to sleep with us! I’m always complaining about! And yes! it’s hard to think about it…not only that tragic scenario but the time flies and they grow up so fast to the point is that is hard to notice it. I do spend too much time with her. However, now that I’m almost done with the pregnancy I feel haven’t spend enough time with her. It’s is a wear sensation, I feel I want to be with my older girl all the time no leaving time for myself. But, I don’t regret! She is my world, my life! Hoping how to manage the coming baby without affecting our routine! Life is beautiful but is hard to understand!
Oh Congratulations on your newest bundle of pure joy!! I bet your daughter will find that SHE wants to spend as much time with the baby as you do, so it will be easier than you think. Our older kids were always itching to get a second to hold our daughter when she was born, so it was easy to incorporate her into our time. (she just snuggled up right with us & the boys LOVED it). 🙂
dear Becky.
This was just precious! My children are grown now , ages 24, 21 and 20. I have many precious memories of lying in bed with them talking, laughing , listening to books on tape or CD , listening to them read me a story…
I wish I could rewind time and get to enjoy those days again. The memories are there and they are so special.
Through the years I have heard various friends looking forward to the day when the “nest would be empty”. I never understood “feeling that way “. I know they are to grow up , that is God’s plan. However I truly miss those times .
I know everyone tells you ” they grow up fast so enjoy them while they are young”… That is 100% truth! I am thankful for the sweet times with my children.
Thank you for this!!
Wonderful article. I remind myself all the time to appreciate these precious mommy moments with my daughter because she will soon be off on her own. We never know when that “last time” is for any childhood ritual, until reflecting on it much later – tucking them in, reading a good night story, saying prayers together, or even a trip to the local park – they are all precious moments we take for granted.
When she learned of her fatal disease, the brilliant Erma Bombeck wrote “If I Had My Life to Live Over” – of which these last 4 lines resonate with me: “Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.”
There would have been more ‘I love you’s’.. More ‘I’m sorrys’ …
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute… look at it and really see it … live it…and never give it back.”
That is so beautiful!! Thank you so much for sharing that.
Truth!!! The other week our son got upset that Daddy was going out to Bible Group & so I promised to come & cuddle home when his little sister was asleep. When I got to him, he said ‘what took you so long?’
That is SO sweet.
I love this post,my son wants me to stay with him until he sleeps everyday,and in that period he will talk to me and I love it…
My boys are 16 and 11 and they still enjoy spending special time at the end of the day with my husband and I. The 11 year old picks who is “putting him to bed” every night and it is a good time to talk to him about things that are bothering or pleasing him. For the 16 year old, I will take in my book, sit on his bed, and read beside him while he does homework or assessment pieces. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we don’t, but he knows he can tell me or question anything.
I love this- thanks for sharing.
My son is 7.5 yrs old. Today for the first time he asked me,’mummy can you lie with me’ As usual I was so busy with house work and things to do for the morning that I told him to go to bed and I would come to him soon.As I finished all my work, I went to find my son already fast asleep.I felt so sad. And came and opened up my iPad to read your post coincidently which really broke my heart. Very true Becky, time we’ll spend with our children is the best thing we can give them. Thanks for your beautiful post. It’s an eye opener for me. God bless you.
Today is another day! 🙂 Thank you for your comment. You are so sweet.
You’re lucky that you have parents and in-laws that support this. I, on the other hand, have to deal with my parents and in-laws who would say to me, when my son didn’t want anyone else to hold him the first year of his life, and I would always pick him up, “Oh, how is he going to go to college if you never put him down?” And it’s like, yeah right, my son is never going to change in the next 18 years. They say that kind of stuff all the time to me.
So I just keep plugging away the best way I know how and try to love him as much as possible!
You know what is best for him… and as I tell my cousin (she just had a baby)- you just love him as much as you can while he is there with you! 🙂
I’m sure you are doing amazing!
This article really spoke to me. When I first had my daughter ( I have 3 children), I didn’t know how to parent. Out of my own experiences, I remember my mother being kind and thoughtful but I don’t have any memories of her when I was young. -I was either in day care or my older sister raised me. I feel like such a pioneer some days as a stay at home mom. When my daughter was 2 months old I was greatly encouraged to separate her out of our bed and letting her cry herself to sleep in her own room. I thought I was doing the right thing and now looking back I feel horrible. The same goes for my other two children although they were slightly older. Now that they are little older, Im guilty of not laying down with them as I should have. Even though they are 5, 3 and 16 months, I now see where they are lacking. Theres a lot of pressure on being the “perfect” mom and doing way too much, that takes our time away from our children, but somethings has to change.. and I thank you for sharing this article and for the enlightening and encouraging thoughts.
Thank you.
Becky,
I can definitely relate to this. This is my nightly war in my mind. I actually wrote a very similar post to yours just a few weeks before you wrote this one. Great minds 😉 Mine is called “Snuggling Can’t Wait” because my boys ask me to snuggle with them.
Aww- love it.
You are doing the right thing following your heart, I am an empty nester nowadays so I can tell.
Warm regards,
Nancy.
With 4 kids under the age of 4, getting the kids to bed is critical for any sanity in our home, and reading this post REALLY helped to establish a more structured bedtime routine. (THANKS!) That being said, I don’t understand how you put all your kids to bed at the same time and give each one time before bed. Do they share a room? Who’s bed do you go to first?
They read a book in their bed until we come in to their room to tuck them in. I have all 4 kids go to their rooms to wait for me. They can look at a book or lay in their bed and look at their spelling words (or the youngest two just lay there) and wait for us to come in. I’ll see our youngest first and my husband sees our next youngest… then we switch. We do the same with the older boys. 🙂
You hit the nail on the head. If I could go back I would take advantage of every single chance I had to lay with my kids. I was always too busy, and I fall asleep easy and knew I chanced falling asleep before I wanted to. Now they are 21,19 & 18 and I have mommy guilt that I didn’t take every advantage that I could.
Well I hear you on falling asleep. Sometimes our kids will say “Mom- are you sleeping or listening?” when they see me dozing off. 🙂 I’m sure you were/are a wonderful mom!
Since I have only one child (6), my husband and I can do it every night. Usually, we move out of his room after he’s sleeping. It’s amazing how he’s more open to talk during this short period of time before sleep. We treasure this moments.
How sweet!!
My two-year-old daughter says the same thing. It’s my favorite time of the day!
Thought the article was very well written and really made me think about how quickly this precious time with our kids going. My wife and I have 2 boys, 10 months and almost 2 years, and we love it. Albeit parenting for you young boys who are close in age can be challenging as we are learning and adapting to our every-changing roles as parents.
My wife and I have recently discussed this topic and are looking to find the direction for our family. Right now she puts down the youngest by nursing in his own room and then comes out for the oldest. The oldest has a larger bed so she lays with him until he falls asleep. I feel this may be a bit distracting for him to fall asleep but it seems to work in the end. However, sometimes Mommy falls asleep as well and then the night is pretty much over. The problem seems to be that this takes a great deal of time and other items; cleaning up, eating, random family chores… and most importantly our time together.
Don’t get me wrong I love time with the boys and am happy we are able to work our household to be a one income family. This is something I feel is special for our boys and for my wife. I don’t want to sacrifice time with the kids but I do want to keep the relationship going strong, this seems to be the time to do it.
Also, I do help with the kids as part of their night time routine and occasionally if the youngest wakes up I go into help put him back down. I also have tried to put the oldest down myself but it is pretty much Mommy time, and that is made known.
My wife reminds me that this is an important time for both the boys and her, but I feel it is a bit much. I feel it is important to enable the kids to learn to fall asleep on their own, and for we as parents to be able to come together for quality time or working on other times other than at midnight.
I am very open minded on this and understand the angle you are coming from, hence why I posted here. Really looking for some idea of like-minded people. Grateful for any advice. Thanks!
Thank you! I have to not “lie down” if I am tired – I have to just sit. 🙂 haha. (because I am the same way!)
Just for what it’s worth… I did a lot of falling asleep with the children over the years and now years later I realize my husband really felt neglected… At the time I didn’t think he cared As long as he didn’t have to do it. We stayed married but in hindsight I realize it’s also important to our children for us to stay married so I would have given a little more weight to my husband’s concerns in hindsight. I guess it’s all about balance and adapting ideas to the individuals that are your family. We are soon empty-nesters and I hope to make it up to him then. But I probably did stress out our marriage More than I realized at the time. Maybe it’s a matter of moving responsibilities around I’m thinking outside of the box in someway to find common ground for everyone. All the best!
… and Thinking outside the box… Oops typo. Probably one thing I did wrong was not encouraging him to do the bedtime routine sometimes so that he couldFeel the benefits first hand.