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I have a new favorite phrase from our kids: “Mommy, will you lay with me?” Why is this my favorite? Let me tell you.
Do you hear this every night, as I do? “Mommy, can you lie down with me for a few minutes?” (or, as our little one says, “Can you lay with me?”)
Our children want me to lie down with them every night. This question is always on their minds because they love to spend time with you.
I know that our goal is to teach them to sleep through the night so they are well-rested, but these few minutes BEFORE your child falls asleep, and even before you say “Good Night,” make all of the difference.
Several years ago, a friend of the family’s son passed away after several hours of sleep while he was asleep in his room.
A week later, another seven-year-old boy passed away, only one town away, unexpectedly while he was outside playing.
One year later, another child passed away at only 36 months of age, in the middle of the night after he was put to sleep in his own bed.
This is hard for me to think about, talk about, write about, or share today. At the time of their passing, our children were very close in age to several children that had passed away. (We have four kids: born in ’06, ’08, ’10 and ’12)
Do you know what one of our kids asks me every single night as I am tucking him into bed… “Mommy, will you lay with me?” I am sad now thinking that my answer used to be:
- Just for a second, sweetie.
- Ok – for a minute. I have to make sure that your sister and brothers are all tucked in.
- I have to clean up the kitchen, so I’ll just give you a kiss & hug, ok?
- I have to do some work – so I’ll just tuck you in quickly.
- Daddy and I are going to eat dinner since we didn’t get to eat as early as you tonight, so give me a big hug & then stay in bed and get right to sleep….”
…whatever the reason, they all say the same thing to him: “Just for a second. Other things are coming first.”
I know, I know… as parents, we don’t want to start any sort of sleep problems, and many of us do not have a family bed or bed sharing (we don’t), but this is different.
This happens as you are putting them to bed. When our son is going to sleep in his own room, while we are tucking him in, we just talk.
I know that we can’t lie there all night…
Our son would expect this, as would all of our kids. “You give an inch, they take a mile”. We think we will lie down for 5 minutes; they want 20. We give 20; they want 40. (To be honest… our youngest child be happiest if I stayed 12 hours in her bed every night!)
Hold on… there is a catch.
This is when the good stuff comes out.♥
This is when I hear all of those details that teenager boys and almost-teens don’t tell their moms anymore.
The things like..
- “So & So told me that I was cute today. How disgusting. Right, Mom?”
- “Today we had a math test, and I got them all right… I was really distracted though and thought I might miss one because out in the hallway, the kids were setting up for the play. Did I tell you about the play?”
- “Did I tell you what happened at the football game in the student section last week? It was crazy.”
- “Do you remember when I had that toddler bed, and I slept with that blue stuffed animal? Do we still have it? I think I’ll give it to my kids one day. “
- .“Mom, you know how you always say that family is everything and that the younger siblings look up to me? I think it’s the truth – I heard them telling someone that they were going to play laccosse so they could practice with me. I wonder if they’ll always be that way… it’s kind of a lot of pressure to know they’re watching me, but in a good way, because I can help them by being a good example, you know?”
- “Yesterday, when I went running with a friend, he kept saying that his stomach was hurting from running, so we slowed down. It’s so hard and pretty boring to run slow, but it’s more important to be supportive than fast. It made me think about how many times you have had to slow down when we go on bike rides just so the last person isn’t riding alone.”
- “When did you first hold someone’s hand?”
- “You’ll never believe who ____ likes this year. It’s ______ ! He told me in math class today. Crazy, isn’t it? Don’t say anything because no one knows yet, but I think he might ask her to go out.”
These are the stories that come out when we put everything else aside.
These are things that happen when we forget about whatever else we have to do or want to do.
These are the conversations that happen when we just listen… when we sit down with them with only one goal: to let them know we are there to talk & listen to them.
My late grandmother used to tell me, “Enjoy our kids Enjoy every minute that you can. I loved raising my kids and if you don’t enjoy it, you’ll be missing out on so much.”
While she never suggested having a child sleep in my bed (I’ve always taught them to stay in their own beds), she always suggested talking to them every chance that I get.
She said that she loved raising her kids and that she knew I would be the same way.
My parents and my husband’s parents remind us that one day, they won’t want to spend so much time with us. One day they will be older.
One day they will be grown and they will have many other things to take up their time, other people to listen to their stories…
It fills me with joy to know that one day they will spread their wings and fly, but at the same time, breaks my heart to think of the day when they need us less and less. One day…
TODAY is not that day.
TODAY… I will lie down with our children when they ask. I will sing Toora Loora Loora and Que Sera Sera (their favorite songs). I will pray with them. I will listen to them. I will give them my full attention.
And do you know what?
If this new bedtime routine adds ten minutes onto the end of our night, when our patience is low, and our exhaustion is high, that is ten more minutes that I was lucky enough to have spent with our children…. listening, encouraging, telling them the unspoken words that say:
TODAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME.
As I look in at my child sleeping, I think about how time goes by so quickly and how I am so glad to have these little moments now. I can remember looking at my tiny babies sleeping in their crib years ago… and now, when I look at then sleeping, they are so much older. Time goes so fast.
In ten years, those unspoken words will come back to me when he is grown, getting ready to head off to start his own life, and I ask him to stop what he is doing and sit with ME for a moment… and he does.
We only have a few years to really be present in their lives. Let’s spend these years wisely.
ps- I want to invite you to sign up for my FREE e-mail series called One on One time. It is completely free & I will send you this calendar to get you started. 🙂
If you are having trouble keeping your CHILD IN BED or helping them to SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT, these posts will be helpful:
- 2-3 year old still waking at night? Try this.
- If your child is waking too early, this works.
- This is how to keep a young child in their bed.
- How this medical advice changed our son’s sleep habits forever.
A FEW MORE PARENTING POSTS YOU MIGHT LIKE:
I only see mommies respond, but ‘laying with me’ is a good thing for daddies as well. My girlfriend and I have three daughters (8, 8 and 6, two of hers and one of mine) and we’ve been together for a good 5 years.
The youngest is especially strong headed and use to visit us nightly. Broken nights, until we started laying with them when going they are going to bed (“knuffelen” in Dutch). And the nightly visits came to end; it’s as if she has closure of the day.
Like you say in your post, they start rambling about everything and nothing. Each has a different request for scratching their backs: one prefers a very light touch, while the youngest wants her skin torn off almost. scratching helps deflecting their attention to their body and is an excellent way to get out of their heads and doze off.
Even as a father, this is great quality time with all of our kids. It helps bonding and gauge their state of mind. i enjoy these times, because you never know when this is going to end (or starts being inappropriate).
You’ll appreciate this – my husband wrote it 🙂 Why I tuck my kids into bed
Reading your post just really touched my heart, I used to ask my mom this same question ever night when i was little, we would have the best talks then, she passed when I was 17. I do this with my own children, but this post just brought back some very precious memories I haven’t thought about in a while!!
OH, I’m sorry. I’m so glad that you are able to carry that on with your children (they will have the most amazing memories, too.)
After read some of your posts and this last one
I just can’t stop to cry… ???
I have a 17 month daughter, who I still breastfeeding (most night time)
and last night was just hard like all the other nights that she wants mommy all the time, I know the “milk” is just a excuse to be closer of me and most of the time I really enjoy it and I feel that I can breastfeed her forever lol
But sometimes I am just tired of don’t have anytime to myself or even sleep ONE night
Thanks for your posts they made me feel that I am not waisting my time, that is all for her, I’ll keeping laying down with her as much as she wants before she grows and fly to her own life without me (I know this never is gonna happen ?)
Paula
Thanks for leaving that comment. 🙂
I was so glad to read so many positive comments about laying with children at night. My grandson, he just turned 10, has spent every other week with us since he was one. Every night he says,, “Grandma, will you lay with me?” We usually read some books and then he tells me about his day. Others in the family tell him he is getting to be a big boy and needs to go to bed by himself. I love the bonding time we have together and glad that so many others agree. Thanks for the article.
Oh, me too! I hope that never goes away. I have friends that just send their kids up to bed, but I feel like I would be missing such an opportunity to bond with him.
I read your post and then about a third of the comments. It brought tears to my eyes. I have little ones too, and I always lay down with them or rock them when they want me to when we go to bed. But I am guilty of sometimes limiting that time with them. I treasure them, and I want them to know it. Even if it isn’t the most convenient, they are still the most IMPORTANT to me. Another point is; how could I bring children into this world, only to deny them the full love they crave? This post, and all of the comments that I read show that you ladies feel the same way.
Thank you. I love the point that you made.
I LOVE what you had to say here…I cried, in fact…and I totally agree with everything you’ve said, but what do you do with the little girl who never sleeps? I co-sleep with my little girl, but I’m not ready for bed when she is, so I try to lie with her until she falls asleep. The difficulty is that she just doesn’t…at least not until the midnight hour, literally! I’ve tried laying with her the whole time, I’ve tried laying with her for a little while then sitting in a chair while she drifts off, I’ve tried pretty much everything I can think of or found on the internet that I agree with, but still she lies awake for hours. Do you have a cut-off point to “lie with me mommy” when this occurs? Otherwise, I’d find myself up until 2am finishing the day’s chores (&shave!). I’d love to hear your input on this!! Maybe you can think of something I haven’t tried!
I’m sorry- I tell our kids that I will lay for 10 minutes (or 5 min) when they start this, but they might be older than yours. I can ask this on my FB page if you’d like?
If I may chime into this inquiry. My special needs granddaughter has the same problem. It is very hard for her to go to sleep. There are many sleep disorders that this can be attributed to, but thankfully our very much appreciated Developmental Pediatric Physician suggested melatonin. In researching melatonin, I found a great deal of helpful information that your reader might find helpful. If you like I can send a link for that post but wanted to ask your permission before sending it along.
Please let me know if this is something you’d like to review before sharing it at my gmail account, lindasea53@gmail.com
I totally get the frustration this parent is feeling, and the drain this can make on her health too. Maybe I can help.
Yes, our son has Central Sleep Apnea. It is awful. 🙁
It’s hard mumma when your little one doesn’t fall asleep. I’m sure you’ve already done the calm before bed routine (dinner, quiet play, bath, stories, bed). How about enough rest during the day? Quiet times, naps. Some fresh air each day? I had a friend who with her 4 year old had to go on a “snooze cruise” in the car each night to get their co-sleeping child to sleep. They tried diet changes and everything and then a relative suggested a weighted blanket to break the snooze cruise habit. Magic!
I hope something in this helps. Hang in there.
I have 2 kiddos and notice that while they are still young for them sleep breeds sleep. Enough rest during the day means longer sleep at night and easier to bed.
My preschooler also asks me to lie down with him most nights. It is good for ME to take that time and ignore the constant to do list.
Great reminder! However, I think we should both show them our love and learn them to control their desires.
I have a sweet 5 year old who loves me to lie down with her. although I or his had read her a story in bed every nights.it’s just Wednesdays when I sleep beside her till morning. what do you think about this sort of regulations?
🙂 To each their own. I could never keep with our kids because I would worry that I would roll on them all night long. 🙂 haha- so 10 minutes of snuggling/reading/praying is about my max. 🙂
My three oldest kids are two-year intervals, and shared a room as long they was room in the room. I sat with them every night, reading, talking and praying with them. It is amazing what deep and important qustions they asked! My youngest is 12 years younger, and his dad sat with him every night while he was growing up. One night years later I was at a daughter’s home in the evening, and she asked it I would sit and read with her little boys at bedtime. It was an honor, and a reminder that this had been important to her as child.
I started laying down with my three-year-old about a month ago. Sometimes it’s just five minutes; other times it’s 15 minutes. I don’t get to spend a lot of time with her because I go to school and then have many things to do at night. I know I need to give her more quality time with me. This is a step in that direction. Thanks for letting me know that what I’m doing is a good thing. 🙂
I remember having a bed in my parents room when I was little, because I never wanted to leave my mom.. She always told me I was the most held out of five, and we still have the most amazing relationship.. I really do remember those times when my mom took the time to just sleep with me.
I realized about a year ago that I was a workaholic. As a single mother, coming home late and continuing to work gave me less time to focus on my daughter. I finally stopped and told myself to relax. My baby sleeps with me in my bed every night bc it’s gives us that extra “mommy/daughter” time, even if it’s just cuddles and sleep. I really feel like it’s made a huge difference in the both of us for the better. Great article. TY.
🙂 That’s wonderful!
Thanks for writing this! It makes me feel what I’m doing is right!! Instead of worrying about clean house, and other unimportant things! Nothing is more important than these special moments with your child(ren)
My son asks me to lie down and “snuggle” with him every night. And so many nights I have to fight the mental battle of staying in the moment while running through my to-do list. I love snuggles with him each night. It is part of our bedtime routine. Some nights I appreciate it more than others. But I’ll be happy looking back knowing we both had that time together, giggling and snuggling.
🙂 I think so, too!
My older kids are 12 and 9 now, so we are doing “Harmony Hour” on the couch. Right before bed, we sit on the couch together – sometimes they put their heads in my lap, sometimes we just sit close – and talk for about 15 minutes. They lead the conversation, and it is amazing what we end up talking about. It’s been awesome overall, and is a great transition from a sweet childhood tradition into a more adult relationship. Not to mention I don’t fit in the bed with them anymore!
love that!
Wonderful thoughts! This is my 4-yo son’s new favorite thing. He always asks me every night, “Mom, can we talk in my bed?” Sometimes I’m guilty of putting him off or just making it real quick. I want to treasure these moments, they are some of the most precious! FYI I linked back to this article in my new post. Feel free to share if you enjoy it! http://simplynatureplusnurture.com/2015/12/11/baby-development/
Thanks!
I agree with this completely I am not yet a mother but was recently reflecting on my own wonderful mother and how great she is. When I was younger I would often ask my mother to sleep with me or if I could sleep with her and, being the sweet lady she is, she would alway say yes. This made me feel comfort from her presence, and later as a teenager if I had a really bad dream I knew I could ask her to come lie with me and she would. I told her the other day, now as an adult, what that meant to me. And her response was that she always thought of that as a privilege. Just that simple act really helped our relationship be strong no matter what age I was. I hope someday I can be as good of a mother as she has been.
I feel the same way about mine. 🙂