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I have a new favorite phrase from our kids: “Mommy, will you lay with me?” Why is this my favorite? Let me tell you.
Do you hear this every night, as I do? “Mommy, can you lie down with me for a few minutes?” (or, as our little one says, “Can you lay with me?”)
Our children want me to lie down with them every night. This question is always on their minds because they love to spend time with you.
I know that our goal is to teach them to sleep through the night so they are well-rested, but these few minutes BEFORE your child falls asleep, and even before you say “Good Night,” make all of the difference.
Several years ago, a friend of the family’s son passed away after several hours of sleep while he was asleep in his room.
A week later, another seven-year-old boy passed away, only one town away, unexpectedly while he was outside playing.
One year later, another child passed away at only 36 months of age, in the middle of the night after he was put to sleep in his own bed.
This is hard for me to think about, talk about, write about, or share today. At the time of their passing, our children were very close in age to several children that had passed away. (We have four kids: born in ’06, ’08, ’10 and ’12)
Do you know what one of our kids asks me every single night as I am tucking him into bed… “Mommy, will you lay with me?” I am sad now thinking that my answer used to be:
- Just for a second, sweetie.
- Ok – for a minute. I have to make sure that your sister and brothers are all tucked in.
- I have to clean up the kitchen, so I’ll just give you a kiss & hug, ok?
- I have to do some work – so I’ll just tuck you in quickly.
- Daddy and I are going to eat dinner since we didn’t get to eat as early as you tonight, so give me a big hug & then stay in bed and get right to sleep….”
…whatever the reason, they all say the same thing to him: “Just for a second. Other things are coming first.”
I know, I know… as parents, we don’t want to start any sort of sleep problems, and many of us do not have a family bed or bed sharing (we don’t), but this is different.
This happens as you are putting them to bed. When our son is going to sleep in his own room, while we are tucking him in, we just talk.
I know that we can’t lie there all night…
Our son would expect this, as would all of our kids. “You give an inch, they take a mile”. We think we will lie down for 5 minutes; they want 20. We give 20; they want 40. (To be honest… our youngest child be happiest if I stayed 12 hours in her bed every night!)
Hold on… there is a catch.
This is when the good stuff comes out.♥
This is when I hear all of those details that teenager boys and almost-teens don’t tell their moms anymore.
The things like..
- “So & So told me that I was cute today. How disgusting. Right, Mom?”
- “Today we had a math test, and I got them all right… I was really distracted though and thought I might miss one because out in the hallway, the kids were setting up for the play. Did I tell you about the play?”
- “Did I tell you what happened at the football game in the student section last week? It was crazy.”
- “Do you remember when I had that toddler bed, and I slept with that blue stuffed animal? Do we still have it? I think I’ll give it to my kids one day. “
- .“Mom, you know how you always say that family is everything and that the younger siblings look up to me? I think it’s the truth – I heard them telling someone that they were going to play laccosse so they could practice with me. I wonder if they’ll always be that way… it’s kind of a lot of pressure to know they’re watching me, but in a good way, because I can help them by being a good example, you know?”
- “Yesterday, when I went running with a friend, he kept saying that his stomach was hurting from running, so we slowed down. It’s so hard and pretty boring to run slow, but it’s more important to be supportive than fast. It made me think about how many times you have had to slow down when we go on bike rides just so the last person isn’t riding alone.”
- “When did you first hold someone’s hand?”
- “You’ll never believe who ____ likes this year. It’s ______ ! He told me in math class today. Crazy, isn’t it? Don’t say anything because no one knows yet, but I think he might ask her to go out.”
These are the stories that come out when we put everything else aside.
These are things that happen when we forget about whatever else we have to do or want to do.
These are the conversations that happen when we just listen… when we sit down with them with only one goal: to let them know we are there to talk & listen to them.
My late grandmother used to tell me, “Enjoy our kids Enjoy every minute that you can. I loved raising my kids and if you don’t enjoy it, you’ll be missing out on so much.”
While she never suggested having a child sleep in my bed (I’ve always taught them to stay in their own beds), she always suggested talking to them every chance that I get.
She said that she loved raising her kids and that she knew I would be the same way.
My parents and my husband’s parents remind us that one day, they won’t want to spend so much time with us. One day they will be older.
One day they will be grown and they will have many other things to take up their time, other people to listen to their stories…
It fills me with joy to know that one day they will spread their wings and fly, but at the same time, breaks my heart to think of the day when they need us less and less. One day…
TODAY is not that day.
TODAY… I will lie down with our children when they ask. I will sing Toora Loora Loora and Que Sera Sera (their favorite songs). I will pray with them. I will listen to them. I will give them my full attention.
And do you know what?
If this new bedtime routine adds ten minutes onto the end of our night, when our patience is low, and our exhaustion is high, that is ten more minutes that I was lucky enough to have spent with our children…. listening, encouraging, telling them the unspoken words that say:
TODAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME.
As I look in at my child sleeping, I think about how time goes by so quickly and how I am so glad to have these little moments now. I can remember looking at my tiny babies sleeping in their crib years ago… and now, when I look at then sleeping, they are so much older. Time goes so fast.
In ten years, those unspoken words will come back to me when he is grown, getting ready to head off to start his own life, and I ask him to stop what he is doing and sit with ME for a moment… and he does.
We only have a few years to really be present in their lives. Let’s spend these years wisely.
ps- I want to invite you to sign up for my FREE e-mail series called One on One time. It is completely free & I will send you this calendar to get you started. 🙂
If you are having trouble keeping your CHILD IN BED or helping them to SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT, these posts will be helpful:
- 2-3 year old still waking at night? Try this.
- If your child is waking too early, this works.
- This is how to keep a young child in their bed.
- How this medical advice changed our son’s sleep habits forever.
A FEW MORE PARENTING POSTS YOU MIGHT LIKE:
This is a beautiful reminder, but I have some questions and would love your advice! I am a single mom to a VERY energetic seven year old boy and I have a pretty demanding career. We read in his bed every night for about 20 minutes. Every night, after I finish reading to him, he asks me to sleep with him. I have a lot that I need to do at night, and I also just need to be alone and unwind for a little while without someone needing me for the first time all day! Will telling him “I can lay with you for a few minutes, but then I need to go do a few things downstairs before I get to go to bed” make him feel like he is not important and doesn’t have my undivided attention? How long should I lay with him after we read? Is reading to him enough, that on some nights I can tell him “I can’t lay with you tonight” and just tell him goodnight and leave the room? If I do lay with him, is setting a timer to make sure I don’t doze off and sleep all night (I’m exhausted!) going to hurt his feelings and make him feel unimportant? I want him to feel my love and my undivided attention, but I also need him to go to bed by himself for my sanity, and I question myself all the time about whether or not laying with him to go to sleep will keep him from being independent. Thank you!
Becky, thank you so much for this article. My son, who is now 8, will still ask me to lay and snuggle with him at bedtime and there are times I do say, just for a minute, which will turn into ten or more and we talk and giggle and I love those times. I definitely will keep cherishing these moments because they are so precious.
I love this, so heart warming! Can’t wait to have conversations with my son when he’s older. He’s 17 months now.
This brought tears to my eyes, bc I have a 2.5 year old who always wants to lay with mommy at night too! As I also feel I make excuses of things that need to be done. Thank you for sharing!
As an adult, my mom asked me one day how I knew that she loved me growing up. It didn’t take much thinking at all to answer- because of the time she spent in bed with us before we went to sleep. Singing songs, saying prayers, playing guessing games, teaching us state capitals, just being there. I absolutely love that I get to do those things with my kids and that they ask me too every night. I was having one of those nights last night that you mention about wanting to be quick and then my 6 year old, after about the 15th hug asks, you know why I like your hugs so much? Because I know you love me. And right then I resolved to never, ever turn down one of his hugs even if it’s 2am and I’ve already given a hundred. These nights won’t last forever. I need to be reminded constantly that whatever excuse I have may be telling them that it’s more important than they are. Thank you for writing this. It blessed me today!
I used to do this all the time. It was the sweetest time in my life. As you point out, I learned more in those moments than I could have ever learned any other time. So many things tumbled out that I might not otherwise have ever heard.
I lost my son 2 1/2 years ago at age 23. I will never forget those conversations. Moms, don’t be so busy with the little things. Enjoy your children.
Hello, Becky,
I have always felt that lying (laying) down with my children is a very good thing to do when they want you to. . I love the article by Dr. Sears that confirms the intrinsic value of thie family practice. I am a stay at home mom again at 63, raising my daughter’s children foolwing her untimely death in 2010. I love her and miss her and wish I’d done more holding and hugging of her. Now I have her 7 year old daughter. who was only 17 months when she passed, and I hold her and lay down with her and drawer close when she is falling to sleep as often as I can. because life is short, too short for many on this journey as with the two children you mentioned at the beginning of this post She is special needs too and so has many needs that other children can get through with out much fuss. We get allot done but it often times takes months and months longer than would be true of normally developing children.
I am blessed to have her in my life. I appreciated the rminders in your post. I write too, around all that life throws at us and look forward to what else you will be sharing.
By the way, love the picture of you, your husbanc and your four precious children. I reaised 5 on my ow, now plus 3, and wish muy days could be 32 hours instead of 24 so I could take care of everything that is needed.
Kind regards,
Linda
Thank you. 🙂
Thank you for this blog. Very enlightening.
God ,I was moved
I was always told by family and friends not to lie down in bed with my kid (she is going to be 4), so that she can teach herself become independence and so that I can move to do other things like those you posted. Few days ago, I was feeling down and decided to lie down with her just to take a break, and there she comes telling me things like what she did in daycare, her best friend (did not know she has one), and also she make a mess at lunch but it’s okay because she cleaned up. I then realized how much I enjoy spend this time of the day with her. So, thank you very much for writing this post.
Exactly! 🙂 It’s like everything that they are thinking comes out right then.
I love this post. How can you say no to… mommy, will you lay with me? My favorite time!
Love your story my 4 yr old always asks ifor I can lay down with him I always say yes and I just hug him and tell him I love him.I’m a mother of 3 boys. 4 ,2, &1
Spending time with our kids it’s priceless I love them so much
I’m grateful I get to be a sahm & choose to be also, we might miss out on a few luxuries & i do miss my career. My children open up to me without the lay with me everyday, because I give them 100% i don’t focus on much else but them they are my full time job! Really this article relates to the parents not putting their children first. With that said my children still ask to be tucked in eldest is 12 & i love you is said at school drop off every morning & each bedtime! I feel sorry for families who can’t see that this is such a short part of your life to be there everyday for your children, years/months you will never get back!! Sacrifice, unconditional love parenting right! Hats off to the busy working parents who get the balance right too!!
Thank you for that reminder that life is precious
I’m so glad I found your blog. This article brought tears to my eyes …..the article on you carrying your kids. I have one child, 7, who always wants to be carried upstairs at bedtime, piggy back ride in the pool, wants me to rub her back to sleep but I always have a reason not to. I always think that’ll keep her from being able to put herself to sleep or other reasons you listed.
But no more from today, i realize this phase wont last forever so i’ll make the best of it. And stop telling myself i’m helping her be independent. Thank you again.
You have a new reader in me.
Thank you!