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I have a new favorite phrase from our kids: “Mommy, will you lay with me?” Why is this my favorite? Let me tell you.
Do you hear this every night, as I do? “Mommy, can you lie down with me for a few minutes?” (or, as our little one says, “Can you lay with me?”)
Our children want me to lie down with them every night. This question is always on their minds because they love to spend time with you.
I know that our goal is to teach them to sleep through the night so they are well-rested, but these few minutes BEFORE your child falls asleep, and even before you say “Good Night,” make all of the difference.
Several years ago, a friend of the family’s son passed away after several hours of sleep while he was asleep in his room.
A week later, another seven-year-old boy passed away, only one town away, unexpectedly while he was outside playing.
One year later, another child passed away at only 36 months of age, in the middle of the night after he was put to sleep in his own bed.
This is hard for me to think about, talk about, write about, or share today. At the time of their passing, our children were very close in age to several children that had passed away. (We have four kids: born in ’06, ’08, ’10 and ’12)
Do you know what one of our kids asks me every single night as I am tucking him into bed… “Mommy, will you lay with me?” I am sad now thinking that my answer used to be:
- Just for a second, sweetie.
- Ok – for a minute. I have to make sure that your sister and brothers are all tucked in.
- I have to clean up the kitchen, so I’ll just give you a kiss & hug, ok?
- I have to do some work – so I’ll just tuck you in quickly.
- Daddy and I are going to eat dinner since we didn’t get to eat as early as you tonight, so give me a big hug & then stay in bed and get right to sleep….”
…whatever the reason, they all say the same thing to him: “Just for a second. Other things are coming first.”
I know, I know… as parents, we don’t want to start any sort of sleep problems, and many of us do not have a family bed or bed sharing (we don’t), but this is different.
This happens as you are putting them to bed. When our son is going to sleep in his own room, while we are tucking him in, we just talk.
I know that we can’t lie there all night…
Our son would expect this, as would all of our kids. “You give an inch, they take a mile”. We think we will lie down for 5 minutes; they want 20. We give 20; they want 40. (To be honest… our youngest child be happiest if I stayed 12 hours in her bed every night!)
Hold on… there is a catch.
This is when the good stuff comes out.♥
This is when I hear all of those details that teenager boys and almost-teens don’t tell their moms anymore.
The things like..
- “So & So told me that I was cute today. How disgusting. Right, Mom?”
- “Today we had a math test, and I got them all right… I was really distracted though and thought I might miss one because out in the hallway, the kids were setting up for the play. Did I tell you about the play?”
- “Did I tell you what happened at the football game in the student section last week? It was crazy.”
- “Do you remember when I had that toddler bed, and I slept with that blue stuffed animal? Do we still have it? I think I’ll give it to my kids one day. “
- .“Mom, you know how you always say that family is everything and that the younger siblings look up to me? I think it’s the truth – I heard them telling someone that they were going to play laccosse so they could practice with me. I wonder if they’ll always be that way… it’s kind of a lot of pressure to know they’re watching me, but in a good way, because I can help them by being a good example, you know?”
- “Yesterday, when I went running with a friend, he kept saying that his stomach was hurting from running, so we slowed down. It’s so hard and pretty boring to run slow, but it’s more important to be supportive than fast. It made me think about how many times you have had to slow down when we go on bike rides just so the last person isn’t riding alone.”
- “When did you first hold someone’s hand?”
- “You’ll never believe who ____ likes this year. It’s ______ ! He told me in math class today. Crazy, isn’t it? Don’t say anything because no one knows yet, but I think he might ask her to go out.”
These are the stories that come out when we put everything else aside.
These are things that happen when we forget about whatever else we have to do or want to do.
These are the conversations that happen when we just listen… when we sit down with them with only one goal: to let them know we are there to talk & listen to them.
My late grandmother used to tell me, “Enjoy our kids Enjoy every minute that you can. I loved raising my kids and if you don’t enjoy it, you’ll be missing out on so much.”
While she never suggested having a child sleep in my bed (I’ve always taught them to stay in their own beds), she always suggested talking to them every chance that I get.
She said that she loved raising her kids and that she knew I would be the same way.
My parents and my husband’s parents remind us that one day, they won’t want to spend so much time with us. One day they will be older.
One day they will be grown and they will have many other things to take up their time, other people to listen to their stories…
It fills me with joy to know that one day they will spread their wings and fly, but at the same time, breaks my heart to think of the day when they need us less and less. One day…
TODAY is not that day.
TODAY… I will lie down with our children when they ask. I will sing Toora Loora Loora and Que Sera Sera (their favorite songs). I will pray with them. I will listen to them. I will give them my full attention.
And do you know what?
If this new bedtime routine adds ten minutes onto the end of our night, when our patience is low, and our exhaustion is high, that is ten more minutes that I was lucky enough to have spent with our children…. listening, encouraging, telling them the unspoken words that say:
TODAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME.
As I look in at my child sleeping, I think about how time goes by so quickly and how I am so glad to have these little moments now. I can remember looking at my tiny babies sleeping in their crib years ago… and now, when I look at then sleeping, they are so much older. Time goes so fast.
In ten years, those unspoken words will come back to me when he is grown, getting ready to head off to start his own life, and I ask him to stop what he is doing and sit with ME for a moment… and he does.
We only have a few years to really be present in their lives. Let’s spend these years wisely.
ps- I want to invite you to sign up for my FREE e-mail series called One on One time. It is completely free & I will send you this calendar to get you started. 🙂
If you are having trouble keeping your CHILD IN BED or helping them to SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT, these posts will be helpful:
- 2-3 year old still waking at night? Try this.
- If your child is waking too early, this works.
- This is how to keep a young child in their bed.
- How this medical advice changed our son’s sleep habits forever.
A FEW MORE PARENTING POSTS YOU MIGHT LIKE:
I didn’t need to be asked twice when one of my kids wanted me to lay down with them. I had six littles under 11 when my youngest was born in 2003; so I was always happy for a lie down and a cuddle. What I want to know, is am I the only tired mom who would fall asleep, then wake up later with the dishwasher still waiting to be loaded?! ;’)
How do you find the time to lay with all of them? I have 3 girls and the 2 youngest always ask me to lie with them. Did you just take turns? How were you able to decide and make it fair for all of them?
I do about 10 minutes per room (so it takes about 40 minutes, but the other kids can read in their rooms while they wait). I start with the youngest.
As a mother of a murdered child, i am so glad i have no regrets of our time spent together. I rocked him to sleep and layed with him when he asked. As a result, we were very close. Not missing a chance with thevone i have left. I miss you guys
Miss you, too!!
Boooy, you made me cry! Thank you for this article. I cry because this is what I do ever night and as I lie next to my 20 month old and my 6 year also boys, all I can think is “please please don’t grow up”, I wish I could have 6 more!
Thank you Becky.
I love this! When my son was little (and even as he was growing up) he would always ask me to “lay with him for just a little bit.” I always made it a point to stay at least, a little bit. But more often than not it was for alot longer and we would both fall asleep. 🙂 I would wake up soon after and be so tired but have to get things done for the next day. I wouldn’t have it any other way! Now he is a “big boy” and serving in the United States Marine Corps and when he is home he will ask me to “hang out for a little bit” We usually rent a movie and just hang out and I absolutely love every single second of it! I’m so glad I made it a point to spend such precious time connecting with him as he was growing up because now he does the same for me! 💖
aww… 🙂
Becky –
This hit home, because my children are exactly the same way. One book turns into 10. One minute turns into 15. However, like you, during this time is when they really open up to me. No filter, no insecurities, just them and me and everything they are thinking and feeling. It’s wonderful.
I do think you were a bit wrong about one thing. When I tell them just for a minute I have other responsibilities I need to tend to . . . I don’t think we are telling them they are second to those things . . . I think we are telling them they are first. I have responsibilities to tend to, but because you asked me to stay awhile, I will. You are more important. Those things won’t go away, but I’m going to spend an extra 10 minutes with you first. Just my perspective.
Amazing post Becky! What a refreshing read before starting my day with my 3 kids 🙂
Thanks, Addi!
Everything depends on what in your opinion is the best for your kids. I think the best for a baby is when she/he can fall asleep on her/his own. I don’t want to sound cruel because i am really not! i love my two girls more than anything in the world and when they are going to their beds i hug them and kiss them for a long time but in my opinion they should be able to fall asleep alone.
With my husband we used a method without CIO by Susan Urban – the HWL method. It helped us out big time! To get it right you must follow very precisely instruction step by step and that is it. We were the winners after 5 days:) we have found the instruction in this guide: http://www.parental-love.com so anybody who thinks the same as me – i highly recommend.
I totally understand when Mommies wants to be with their kids when they are falling asleep and THANK GOD it is up to us PARENTS 🙂
Unbelievable!!!!!! Thank you so much for sharing the HWL method! i got the ebook and after 3 days my son was able to fall asleep alone. Is it even possible?????
THANK YOU!!!
I’m reading this with tears in my eyes as I lay here with my 7 year old. Every night he says ” just 5 minutes Mom” sometimes I’m annoyed because I have so much to do and I often times fall asleep also. However, honestly it’s one of my favorite times just to lie and cuddle with him. Thank you for reminding us what’s important!
This. Zoey would always ask us to “nuggle” and we would say it’s a weeknight baby only on the weekend. Now I “nuggle” whenever she asks. She is 4 with a terminal brain tumor. I know she might not be here in a week a month a year. I used to take everything for granted, I still do but attempt to stop myself when I get that feeling of brushing things off . I will steal so many “nuggles” as long as I can.
This article really really hits home. I have four kids as well. 6, 7, 9 and 11 and they are always asking me to lay in bed with them after they’re all tucked in and I am so guilty of always having something else to do…dishes, laundry, work etc. From now on, I will definitely take advantage of these times they actually want me to lay down with them. I don’t ever want them to think something else is coming before them! Thank you so much!
Your kids are so close in age to my own (10, 8, 6, 4)
Oh, how i remember these nights. My son would ask us to lie with him at night, an my husband and I would take turns. There were some nights I was so tired and really didn’t feel like, or had numerous things that still had to be done around the house. My son is 18 years old and away at college. I went in his room the other day and lay on his bed and started crying! I was thinking of those nights and wish he was little again and asking me to lie with him! Just remember it goes soooo fast and you will wish they were little again, no matter how much you think you won’t.
Thank you for sharing!
I love and appreciate this blog post! I do have a concern that she will want this every night all night. A. will be 3 May 8th. Is there any advice for the younger ones that may just want this as a way to stay up longer?
I just limit the time. 10 minutes or 20 minutes (you set the time). I would maybe even do a timer and say “I’m setting this timer as a reminder that this is time JUST for me and you. Our 10 minutes that is just ours. When the timer beeps, it lets me know that I was able to have 10 minutes with you, but then I’ll leave the room, because our time will be done. If you stay in bed, you earn a cotton ball.”
My heart’s cry is to be there for each of my kids. My trouble at bedtime is that there is only one of me and four of them. How do you handle this situation with your four? I often find my kids fight for my attention at this time, and it becomes a battle instead of an opportunity for intimacy and loving moments.
It is hard – they each go to their rooms & read a book (our daughter plays with her dolls) and I go from room to room. I start with our 2nd son because he needs the most sleep. We do his look & find book & then I scratch his back while he talks. Then I move onto our daughter (4), and sing her one song and say prayers. She asks me (every day) “What are we doing tomorrow?” and we talk about that for 5 minutes or so. Then I move onto my 8 year old (he is usually listening to a book on tape in his room- it keeps him occupied or he would come out 10 times!). I spend about 20 minutes in his room because he reads to me & then I scratch his back while we talk. Lastly I move up to our 10 year old (he reads like crazy, so I stop at the library & get him new books every week for bedtime). We just talk & talk. After 20 minutes, I go downstairs.
IF they all stay in their beds, they get a cotton ball (read this post)
I hope that helped. 🙂
I totally agree with your article and love to lay down with my kids at night. However, it’s hard to do that because #1, I fall asleep and then my husband gets mad that I never go to sleep in our own bed, #2, if you have 2 children who go to bed at the same time, then how do you lay down with both of them? I feel so bad that I can’t split myself in two! #3, will they ever learn to go to sleep on their own?