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I have a new favorite phrase from our kids: “Mommy, will you lay with me?” Why is this my favorite? Let me tell you.
Do you hear this every night, as I do? “Mommy, can you lie down with me for a few minutes?” (or, as our little one says, “Can you lay with me?”)
Our children want me to lie down with them every night. This question is always on their minds because they love to spend time with you.
I know that our goal is to teach them to sleep through the night so they are well-rested, but these few minutes BEFORE your child falls asleep, and even before you say “Good Night,” make all of the difference.
Several years ago, a friend of the family’s son passed away after several hours of sleep while he was asleep in his room.
A week later, another seven-year-old boy passed away, only one town away, unexpectedly while he was outside playing.
One year later, another child passed away at only 36 months of age, in the middle of the night after he was put to sleep in his own bed.
This is hard for me to think about, talk about, write about, or share today. At the time of their passing, our children were very close in age to several children that had passed away. (We have four kids: born in ’06, ’08, ’10 and ’12)
Do you know what one of our kids asks me every single night as I am tucking him into bed… “Mommy, will you lay with me?” I am sad now thinking that my answer used to be:
- Just for a second, sweetie.
- Ok – for a minute. I have to make sure that your sister and brothers are all tucked in.
- I have to clean up the kitchen, so I’ll just give you a kiss & hug, ok?
- I have to do some work – so I’ll just tuck you in quickly.
- Daddy and I are going to eat dinner since we didn’t get to eat as early as you tonight, so give me a big hug & then stay in bed and get right to sleep….”
…whatever the reason, they all say the same thing to him: “Just for a second. Other things are coming first.”
I know, I know… as parents, we don’t want to start any sort of sleep problems, and many of us do not have a family bed or bed sharing (we don’t), but this is different.
This happens as you are putting them to bed. When our son is going to sleep in his own room, while we are tucking him in, we just talk.
I know that we can’t lie there all night…
Our son would expect this, as would all of our kids. “You give an inch, they take a mile”. We think we will lie down for 5 minutes; they want 20. We give 20; they want 40. (To be honest… our youngest child be happiest if I stayed 12 hours in her bed every night!)
Hold on… there is a catch.
This is when the good stuff comes out.♥
This is when I hear all of those details that teenager boys and almost-teens don’t tell their moms anymore.
The things like..
- “So & So told me that I was cute today. How disgusting. Right, Mom?”
- “Today we had a math test, and I got them all right… I was really distracted though and thought I might miss one because out in the hallway, the kids were setting up for the play. Did I tell you about the play?”
- “Did I tell you what happened at the football game in the student section last week? It was crazy.”
- “Do you remember when I had that toddler bed, and I slept with that blue stuffed animal? Do we still have it? I think I’ll give it to my kids one day. “
- .“Mom, you know how you always say that family is everything and that the younger siblings look up to me? I think it’s the truth – I heard them telling someone that they were going to play laccosse so they could practice with me. I wonder if they’ll always be that way… it’s kind of a lot of pressure to know they’re watching me, but in a good way, because I can help them by being a good example, you know?”
- “Yesterday, when I went running with a friend, he kept saying that his stomach was hurting from running, so we slowed down. It’s so hard and pretty boring to run slow, but it’s more important to be supportive than fast. It made me think about how many times you have had to slow down when we go on bike rides just so the last person isn’t riding alone.”
- “When did you first hold someone’s hand?”
- “You’ll never believe who ____ likes this year. It’s ______ ! He told me in math class today. Crazy, isn’t it? Don’t say anything because no one knows yet, but I think he might ask her to go out.”
These are the stories that come out when we put everything else aside.
These are things that happen when we forget about whatever else we have to do or want to do.
These are the conversations that happen when we just listen… when we sit down with them with only one goal: to let them know we are there to talk & listen to them.
My late grandmother used to tell me, “Enjoy our kids Enjoy every minute that you can. I loved raising my kids and if you don’t enjoy it, you’ll be missing out on so much.”
While she never suggested having a child sleep in my bed (I’ve always taught them to stay in their own beds), she always suggested talking to them every chance that I get.
She said that she loved raising her kids and that she knew I would be the same way.
My parents and my husband’s parents remind us that one day, they won’t want to spend so much time with us. One day they will be older.
One day they will be grown and they will have many other things to take up their time, other people to listen to their stories…
It fills me with joy to know that one day they will spread their wings and fly, but at the same time, breaks my heart to think of the day when they need us less and less. One day…
TODAY is not that day.
TODAY… I will lie down with our children when they ask. I will sing Toora Loora Loora and Que Sera Sera (their favorite songs). I will pray with them. I will listen to them. I will give them my full attention.
And do you know what?
If this new bedtime routine adds ten minutes onto the end of our night, when our patience is low, and our exhaustion is high, that is ten more minutes that I was lucky enough to have spent with our children…. listening, encouraging, telling them the unspoken words that say:
TODAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME.
As I look in at my child sleeping, I think about how time goes by so quickly and how I am so glad to have these little moments now. I can remember looking at my tiny babies sleeping in their crib years ago… and now, when I look at then sleeping, they are so much older. Time goes so fast.
In ten years, those unspoken words will come back to me when he is grown, getting ready to head off to start his own life, and I ask him to stop what he is doing and sit with ME for a moment… and he does.
We only have a few years to really be present in their lives. Let’s spend these years wisely.
ps- I want to invite you to sign up for my FREE e-mail series called One on One time. It is completely free & I will send you this calendar to get you started. 🙂
If you are having trouble keeping your CHILD IN BED or helping them to SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT, these posts will be helpful:
- 2-3 year old still waking at night? Try this.
- If your child is waking too early, this works.
- This is how to keep a young child in their bed.
- How this medical advice changed our son’s sleep habits forever.
A FEW MORE PARENTING POSTS YOU MIGHT LIKE:
My son is 8 and asks for “sneaky snuggles” still and boy I love them!-it stemmed from when I broke up with his Dad and we lived on our own, it was comfort to both of us in those sad lonely days, and is now a treat for extra hugs! Many people comment on how sensitive he is, and I think some of it comes from this special time together. I am now 7 weeks with a new baby and partner of 4 years and hoping all is well and looking forward to new cuddles altogether! Love your post. Time is precious!
This makes me think of my cuban mom. We are a special breed. I remember always wanting my mom to sleep by my side and once she thought i was asleep she would tip toe away and i would call her back. My Dad would protest but she’d come back to me. For at least 12 years of my life she would sleep by my bed. Her love for me so immense. I was spoiled rotten. Now when i see her, her face full of wrinkles and her gaze sometimes doesn’t focus clearly. I love her so much. Sometimes i lay down next to my husband and have tucked my own children in bed and i wonder how my parents are and pray that she will sleep well. Often i think back to those times when i spent time with her. I love my husband so much and my dad too but there is nothing like a mother’s love. I thank God for the blessings he has given me and i pray that i will have my mom many more years and that my children will love me the way i love her.
how long do you usually lay with each child? (Im sure it varies with how much they have to share). does your husband lay with them too or do you two alternate kids every other night? Great article by the way!!!
I have four children as well, born in 2005, 2011, 2013 & 2015, they all ask me to lie with them nightly and I have some of the same things to do at night, and just like you I find it hard to not give each one a time limit!! But I cherish those sweet moments and enjoy them so very much! Happy Mother’s Day
I never comment on things, but this story has touched me to the core. As a dad of a 3 year old, I want to thank you so much for this!! Recently my son has been asking me to may with him. I always say for a few minutes. I will NO longer say for a few minutes, I will lay with him as long as I can and put off things that are not at Important. Again, thank you from the bottom of my my heart for this!!!
Thank you!
My 7 yr old used to sleep with me when he was little. After we moved him into his own room I thought the need for me to lay with him until he fell asleep would be temporary, not quite. Our nightly routine still consists of one half-hour cartoon and I stay till he’s asleep. I couldn’t agree with this article more. He loves to have my undivided attention and tell me things he doesn’t get the chance to during the chaos of the day. I will do this as long as he needs, I love the time together and the stories he shares. I believe it will help him to be a more involved dad, or at the least more understanding of his wife that carries this tradition.
I love this post! I’m just starting to get “will you lay with me for a little bit?” It can be frustrating when all I want is to relax at the end of a long day, but it can be so endearing also.
Hi Becky, thank you! My son (youngest of 3) always wants me to “lay with him”, and although it is frustrating as I already don’t have enough hours in my day, I do. That time is precious and we need to remind ourselves of this always!
Another boy in his class, at 7 years old, lost his battle with a brain tumor and this puts all else into perspective. I too love cuddles at the end of a crazy day!
Thank you for sharing.
Thankyou so much for this article I thought I was doing the whole bedtime thing wrong but now as I read your article I can see I have been doing it right all along. I have a daughter age 7 who will be 8 in December every night when I put her to bed I lie next to her for about 20 minutes just enjoying my time with my little girl. Each night I lie next to her and we cuddle for about 20 minutes as I tickle her belly not in playful way in an affectionate way thats how we enjoy our quiet bonding time together. As I lie next to her tickling her belly and talking about her day we tell each other multiple times during our special moment together how much we love each other her favourite phrase to say is ” I love you to the stars and back 600 times” I then say ” Right back at ya Kiddo’ Or me to my love or my favourite term of endearment for her is baby. As I rub her belly we also play guess the animal for quiet time. The other night as I was enjoying mommy time with my little one it hit me that my baby is growing up and that I have very little time with her left because soon enough she wont our cuddle time together anymore. My days to cuddle next to her at bedtime tickle rubbing her belly as a sign of affection of how much I love her is coming to an end and although she will always be my babygirl till the day she dies I still cant help but feel emotional. So yes I totally agree with you. taking time at bedtime to bond with your child is far more important than all the chores you have to do, There is plenty of time to do those but the time to spend with your kids is running out. I spend at least about 30 minutes with my baby every night we laugh, we giggle and I just all round enjoy my time with her, I kiss her multiple times during our bedtime routine and you know what I wouldnt trade the memories I am building with my baby for anything.
🙂 Thank you
Loved your article… mine are late teens and early 20s … and I probably did too much of this per my husband’s opinion… But we have been a bit shocked by their willingness to be so forthcoming to us about the issues that late teens and early 20s confront. Reading your article it makes me wonder if they just got so used to talking at the end of each day in a relaxed and safe setting and somehow that spills over to adulthood. Even if it’s not that those end of the day times are some fabulous memories. Like something I heard from A friend that an older woman said 20 years ago “ one day you miss even the bad days”.
Heart felt, beautiful article, so grateful to come across your writing and am inspired with these beautiful reminders ! My kids sooooo deserve my time as do I deserve the gift of the moments with them.
Hi, Becky. This post brought me to tears. I’d been scouring the internet for the past hour, looking for solutions on how I can get my son to sleep all night without waking up when he realizes I had left the room. Nothing of those solutions feels right for me. I’m a stay-at-home mom, but I’ve got an online copywriting job that I do at night (that’s the only time I get to work since I look after him and his sister during the day). He’s 5 years old, and her little sister is 1. There are nights when it’s okay for me to pause my work and just go back to bed with him and help him get back to sleep. But there are nights that things get really ugly… just like tonight. When I’m at my wit’s end, I would pull my hair and punch my head in front of him. There would be a lot of yelling from me and sometimes from my husband. These ugly nights aren’t just wrong but are also disappointing, stressful and full of guilt.
I think I just have to remind myself that this too shall pass, and then it did, they will be too grown up to even need me. And it hurts me in a way to think about it, but it gives me relief, too, that I can change my attitude today and just cherish these moments that I am still a big part of his life.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
You are so right! I burst out in tears when i read your article. Thanks for reminding me The most important things.
I love this!!!! My son loves when I sing Que Sera Sera to him! B that’s our song <3
Interesting article! I don’t have kids of my own, but I remember when i was little repeatedly asking my Mom to sleep with me and she always said no… she slept with Daddy. And I got to thinking it was wrong to ask, that it would be inappropriate, that it would intrude on my parents’ relationship. And as an adult I wondered what was wrong with me that made me ask. I would have LOVED for her to lay down with me for a while! I have two nieces, 1 and 3 years old and I try to give them as much attention as I can because I know it really matters!
This post makes me think of the time i dropped my son off at camp pendleton at the end of the weekend. We got to the barracks parking lot, he got his stuff, but then, he lingered at the car with me. We didnt really say anything, we both just took in the trees, the hillside brush, the breeze and the sun setting. I loved that he held on to just a few more moments with me. He would be deploying soon.
It just so happens that about six months later, he didn’t come home from that deployment alive.
I am so thankful for every time I put aside ‘my stuff’ to be with my children. Every moment was precious, and every one will never come back.