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I have a new favorite phrase from our kids: “Mommy, will you lay with me?” Why is this my favorite? Let me tell you.
Do you hear this every night, as I do? “Mommy, can you lie down with me for a few minutes?” (or, as our little one says, “Can you lay with me?”)
Our children want me to lie down with them every night. This question is always on their minds because they love to spend time with you.
I know that our goal is to teach them to sleep through the night so they are well-rested, but these few minutes BEFORE your child falls asleep, and even before you say “Good Night,” make all of the difference.
Several years ago, a friend of the family’s son passed away after several hours of sleep while he was asleep in his room.
A week later, another seven-year-old boy passed away, only one town away, unexpectedly while he was outside playing.
One year later, another child passed away at only 36 months of age, in the middle of the night after he was put to sleep in his own bed.
This is hard for me to think about, talk about, write about, or share today. At the time of their passing, our children were very close in age to several children that had passed away. (We have four kids: born in ’06, ’08, ’10 and ’12)
Do you know what one of our kids asks me every single night as I am tucking him into bed… “Mommy, will you lay with me?” I am sad now thinking that my answer used to be:
- Just for a second, sweetie.
- Ok – for a minute. I have to make sure that your sister and brothers are all tucked in.
- I have to clean up the kitchen, so I’ll just give you a kiss & hug, ok?
- I have to do some work – so I’ll just tuck you in quickly.
- Daddy and I are going to eat dinner since we didn’t get to eat as early as you tonight, so give me a big hug & then stay in bed and get right to sleep….”
…whatever the reason, they all say the same thing to him: “Just for a second. Other things are coming first.”
I know, I know… as parents, we don’t want to start any sort of sleep problems, and many of us do not have a family bed or bed sharing (we don’t), but this is different.
This happens as you are putting them to bed. When our son is going to sleep in his own room, while we are tucking him in, we just talk.
I know that we can’t lie there all night…
Our son would expect this, as would all of our kids. “You give an inch, they take a mile”. We think we will lie down for 5 minutes; they want 20. We give 20; they want 40. (To be honest… our youngest child be happiest if I stayed 12 hours in her bed every night!)
Hold on… there is a catch.
This is when the good stuff comes out.♥
This is when I hear all of those details that teenager boys and almost-teens don’t tell their moms anymore.
The things like..
- “So & So told me that I was cute today. How disgusting. Right, Mom?”
- “Today we had a math test, and I got them all right… I was really distracted though and thought I might miss one because out in the hallway, the kids were setting up for the play. Did I tell you about the play?”
- “Did I tell you what happened at the football game in the student section last week? It was crazy.”
- “Do you remember when I had that toddler bed, and I slept with that blue stuffed animal? Do we still have it? I think I’ll give it to my kids one day. “
- .“Mom, you know how you always say that family is everything and that the younger siblings look up to me? I think it’s the truth – I heard them telling someone that they were going to play laccosse so they could practice with me. I wonder if they’ll always be that way… it’s kind of a lot of pressure to know they’re watching me, but in a good way, because I can help them by being a good example, you know?”
- “Yesterday, when I went running with a friend, he kept saying that his stomach was hurting from running, so we slowed down. It’s so hard and pretty boring to run slow, but it’s more important to be supportive than fast. It made me think about how many times you have had to slow down when we go on bike rides just so the last person isn’t riding alone.”
- “When did you first hold someone’s hand?”
- “You’ll never believe who ____ likes this year. It’s ______ ! He told me in math class today. Crazy, isn’t it? Don’t say anything because no one knows yet, but I think he might ask her to go out.”
These are the stories that come out when we put everything else aside.
These are things that happen when we forget about whatever else we have to do or want to do.
These are the conversations that happen when we just listen… when we sit down with them with only one goal: to let them know we are there to talk & listen to them.
My late grandmother used to tell me, “Enjoy our kids Enjoy every minute that you can. I loved raising my kids and if you don’t enjoy it, you’ll be missing out on so much.”
While she never suggested having a child sleep in my bed (I’ve always taught them to stay in their own beds), she always suggested talking to them every chance that I get.
She said that she loved raising her kids and that she knew I would be the same way.
My parents and my husband’s parents remind us that one day, they won’t want to spend so much time with us. One day they will be older.
One day they will be grown and they will have many other things to take up their time, other people to listen to their stories…
It fills me with joy to know that one day they will spread their wings and fly, but at the same time, breaks my heart to think of the day when they need us less and less. One day…
TODAY is not that day.
TODAY… I will lie down with our children when they ask. I will sing Toora Loora Loora and Que Sera Sera (their favorite songs). I will pray with them. I will listen to them. I will give them my full attention.
And do you know what?
If this new bedtime routine adds ten minutes onto the end of our night, when our patience is low, and our exhaustion is high, that is ten more minutes that I was lucky enough to have spent with our children…. listening, encouraging, telling them the unspoken words that say:
TODAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME.
As I look in at my child sleeping, I think about how time goes by so quickly and how I am so glad to have these little moments now. I can remember looking at my tiny babies sleeping in their crib years ago… and now, when I look at then sleeping, they are so much older. Time goes so fast.
In ten years, those unspoken words will come back to me when he is grown, getting ready to head off to start his own life, and I ask him to stop what he is doing and sit with ME for a moment… and he does.
We only have a few years to really be present in their lives. Let’s spend these years wisely.
ps- I want to invite you to sign up for my FREE e-mail series called One on One time. It is completely free & I will send you this calendar to get you started. 🙂
If you are having trouble keeping your CHILD IN BED or helping them to SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT, these posts will be helpful:
- 2-3 year old still waking at night? Try this.
- If your child is waking too early, this works.
- This is how to keep a young child in their bed.
- How this medical advice changed our son’s sleep habits forever.
A FEW MORE PARENTING POSTS YOU MIGHT LIKE:
This is a great article and has definitely changed my attitude toward bedtime, my issue though is this and I am still unsure how to get around it. My 3 boys all want me to spend time them at bedtime, the youngest wants me to lay with him until he falls asleep which I do. Tis can take around an hour all up. Meanwhile my middle son falls asleep waiting for me and misses out on this time every night! My eldest also missed out on me even getting to say goodnight to him some nights, to them I am favouring the younger child. How do I get around this? My kids don’t cope without sleep so making bedtime later is not really an option!
Have you tried snuggling it’s them all and then moving them to their beds? Or start a cuddle session with them each like an hour before bed so the older two still get the love and the younger one gets you till he falls asleep and may give you the chance for a cuddle session with the others? I know some nights my son wants my husband it’s not often but it helps when he helps cuddle them
Thank YOU for sharing your story! I have 5 kids (born in 1990, 05, 08, 09 and 12 – first kiddo at 18 years old and my last at 40), so my younger 4 are very similar to the ages of your children, and also 3 boys and a girl. Spending enough time with my now 27 year old was not a priority. I was just a kid raising a kid, and fortunately I was able to learn from that experience and become a better parent by the time I had more littles. I can see where our relationship suffered and how different it is raising kids in your 30’s. My oldest also notices the different type of mom I am. Just like your kids say, mine will say “mommy, will you lay with me?” And I always do, because everything you said is spot on! I saw the link to this blog post on Facebook and you bet I am going to be added to your mailing list. I don’t need justification or affirmation that I am doing something right, but it works for me and our family and it is gratifying to know that other families share the same thought process on this topic!
This is so true and almost made me cry. I’m away for work right now and I miss my son. He asks this question every single night. Most nights I lie next to him for a few minutes. Some nights, when he struggles to fall asleep, I’ll lie with him for a bit longer, only to fall asleep myself. I know this time together is so precious, and there will come a day when he no longer wants me so close. So, yes, hold them close. Everything else can wait.
This made me tear up. I am so stressed out about what we as parents need to be doing. Trying to keep everything together is so hard. I am so afraid of the future for my kiddos. I stress out about EVERYTHING, How does everyone do it…… get kids up and dressed out the door to school, then to work, get off work and pick up kids from school (school stress is a whole problem of its self: drugs, bullies, mean girls) and then make dinner, pick up the house (laundry all the time if they play sports) off electronics, spend time together, go here, go there, dinner, baths and bed time routines and then try to have time for your spouse? But my favorite time of any day is to have both kids next to me in bed one hand rubbing back of one kiddo and other arm around giving tight hugs and snuggles and not letting go!!!!!!!
This post is amazing. My children asks me to do the same thing. They are 8 and 12. Just like you said, you may lay there a few minutes and then that’s it. I have always wanted my kids to feel that they are the most important thing to me and that I love them dearly. I will start tonight with laying there with them a tad bit longer. I love your other posts as well. I do consider myself a “mean mom” also, in a good way. I do agree with the summer vacation homework, not a lot, but I think it’s important to keep their minds stimulated in an academic way. We also take museum trips, swimming and all sorts of fun things. I work full time, but I make sure to spend time with them everyday, talk with them, watch TV with them, read with them, ride bikes (when it’s not too hot) and just enjoy sitting there breathing together (LOL). I teach them money management skills, so that one day, they won’t grow up to be adults swimming in debt and not knowing how to manage their money. Again, I enjoy your posts, keep doing what you are doing. Mothering is hard and rewarding at the same time.
My 3yo asks me to cuddle him every night and tells me all about his day. My 2yo isn’t there yet but we do sing toora loora every night! I’ve never heard of anyone else singing that song. Great post.
My oldest son passed away 6 and a half years ago – just shy of his 2nd birthday. My other two children are now 4 & 7 .. and I will lay with them every night as long as they ask me. Losing a child, or knowing someone who has, opens your eyes to the realization that every second is so precious. Thanks for bringing awareness!
Thank you for sharing, Nicole. I’m so sorry. I wish I had the right words to say, but thank you for sharing.
Those were my son Tyler’s last words to me before he passed away from meningitis.
I cuddle with both my babies right now, my little boy is 1.5yrs old and my little girl is 4mo right now, we cuddle every night together for bed each has a side, and during nap times too sometimes we cuddle with sissy in the middle but I wouldn’t trade cuddling my babies for nothing. What 20,000+ days looks like is nothing compared to how fast it goes. It brings tears to my eyes to think about my babies not needing me, but they will always need us, our advise our arms when things go bad, you name it they will lean on us. And us on them.
I LOVE being a grandma, and i would give my all for them- i travel 1.5 hrs to see my grandsons pretty much every weekend…. and when they go to bed, the littlest one always asks me to lay with him…and i do…theres nothing like having that one on one with him- and singing out favorite song: with a little revision… you are my sunshine, my little sunshine, you make me happy, when skys are gray…you’ll always know (put their name in this spot) how much we love you…grandma and grandpa love you so,so so so MUCH!
(never did like the negativity in the original song where it says…”you’ll NEVER know dear, how much we love you…)
anyway—its OK to always take the time to lay with your “littles” , they grow so fast and some day it will be the last time they ask..and you wont even know it… because one day they will just be “too big” and wont need you by them. to go to sleep Take the time NOW…..there really isnt anything MORE important…
for our son it was “will you yay with me a yittle or a yot?” in high school it becomes, “will you rub my back?” “will you read to me from my journal (the one i kept with hilarious moments from their younger years)” or “will you sit with me?” even though I have a list of things I could be doing I have to remind myself to cherish this time of connection when they tend to tell me stuff. before leaving I always ask if we can pray and that’s when they learn about my wishes, hopes, dreams, expectations for them. e-
Aww. 🙂
I so agree, i lost my sweet daughter at 27, from sinus infection surgery, 5 yrs ago. I would give my life to lay by her again and have our late night talks. I now raise our only grand daughter, her baby…n if she asks me to lay down, i never hesitate…life is so precious, never ever tell them..” to busy to listen, to hold them..”.. i can still smell my sweet daughters hair, i then cry my self to sleep, but thankfull to have her baby by myside everyday..
Oh my goodness. I’m so sorry. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
MY daughter wants me to lay with her at night as well ..and I do..and don’t mind at all ..it’s the hubby…he gets upset when I do and say s I shouldn’t..we argue about it at times…he doesn’t understands
Hi Becky, what a touching and honest post. It brought tears to my eyes. I only have one daughter and I lay with her every night until she is asleep or almost asleep. She is almost 9 now and I enjoy every minute. I realize I only have one child and she is growing up so fast, it breaks my heart. I wonder how long I will still have these moments with her so I try to take them all in. I smell her little head and feel her twitch as she drifts off to sleep. I realize that if I had more than one child I may not be able to do this and you are right, I have been annoyed at times when she asks me and I have not always been mentally present – thinking of all the things that I have yet to do before I get to go to bed but for the most part, I am treasuring these precious moments. I agree that these are the times when kids process many things that happened during the day and share things that they may not normally share during the business of the day. Thank you for being so honest and real and reminding us parents of why we are parents.
Thank you!
I lay down with my son every night until he falls asleep. He is 5 years old with downsyndrome and in February he was diagnosed with leukemia. I have been doing this since he was born. We put him in his bed when he falls asleep and then half way through the night he jumps in our bed.