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I have a new favorite phrase from our kids: “Mommy, will you lay with me?” Why is this my favorite? Let me tell you.
Do you hear this every night, as I do? “Mommy, can you lie down with me for a few minutes?” (or, as our little one says, “Can you lay with me?”)
Our children want me to lie down with them every night. This question is always on their minds because they love to spend time with you.
I know that our goal is to teach them to sleep through the night so they are well-rested, but these few minutes BEFORE your child falls asleep, and even before you say “Good Night,” make all of the difference.
Several years ago, a friend of the family’s son passed away after several hours of sleep while he was asleep in his room.
A week later, another seven-year-old boy passed away, only one town away, unexpectedly while he was outside playing.
One year later, another child passed away at only 36 months of age, in the middle of the night after he was put to sleep in his own bed.
This is hard for me to think about, talk about, write about, or share today. At the time of their passing, our children were very close in age to several children that had passed away. (We have four kids: born in ’06, ’08, ’10 and ’12)
Do you know what one of our kids asks me every single night as I am tucking him into bed… “Mommy, will you lay with me?” I am sad now thinking that my answer used to be:
- Just for a second, sweetie.
- Ok – for a minute. I have to make sure that your sister and brothers are all tucked in.
- I have to clean up the kitchen, so I’ll just give you a kiss & hug, ok?
- I have to do some work – so I’ll just tuck you in quickly.
- Daddy and I are going to eat dinner since we didn’t get to eat as early as you tonight, so give me a big hug & then stay in bed and get right to sleep….”
…whatever the reason, they all say the same thing to him: “Just for a second. Other things are coming first.”
I know, I know… as parents, we don’t want to start any sort of sleep problems, and many of us do not have a family bed or bed sharing (we don’t), but this is different.
This happens as you are putting them to bed. When our son is going to sleep in his own room, while we are tucking him in, we just talk.
I know that we can’t lie there all night…
Our son would expect this, as would all of our kids. “You give an inch, they take a mile”. We think we will lie down for 5 minutes; they want 20. We give 20; they want 40. (To be honest… our youngest child be happiest if I stayed 12 hours in her bed every night!)
Hold on… there is a catch.
This is when the good stuff comes out.♥
This is when I hear all of those details that teenager boys and almost-teens don’t tell their moms anymore.
The things like..
- “So & So told me that I was cute today. How disgusting. Right, Mom?”
- “Today we had a math test, and I got them all right… I was really distracted though and thought I might miss one because out in the hallway, the kids were setting up for the play. Did I tell you about the play?”
- “Did I tell you what happened at the football game in the student section last week? It was crazy.”
- “Do you remember when I had that toddler bed, and I slept with that blue stuffed animal? Do we still have it? I think I’ll give it to my kids one day. “
- .“Mom, you know how you always say that family is everything and that the younger siblings look up to me? I think it’s the truth – I heard them telling someone that they were going to play laccosse so they could practice with me. I wonder if they’ll always be that way… it’s kind of a lot of pressure to know they’re watching me, but in a good way, because I can help them by being a good example, you know?”
- “Yesterday, when I went running with a friend, he kept saying that his stomach was hurting from running, so we slowed down. It’s so hard and pretty boring to run slow, but it’s more important to be supportive than fast. It made me think about how many times you have had to slow down when we go on bike rides just so the last person isn’t riding alone.”
- “When did you first hold someone’s hand?”
- “You’ll never believe who ____ likes this year. It’s ______ ! He told me in math class today. Crazy, isn’t it? Don’t say anything because no one knows yet, but I think he might ask her to go out.”
These are the stories that come out when we put everything else aside.
These are things that happen when we forget about whatever else we have to do or want to do.
These are the conversations that happen when we just listen… when we sit down with them with only one goal: to let them know we are there to talk & listen to them.
My late grandmother used to tell me, “Enjoy our kids Enjoy every minute that you can. I loved raising my kids and if you don’t enjoy it, you’ll be missing out on so much.”
While she never suggested having a child sleep in my bed (I’ve always taught them to stay in their own beds), she always suggested talking to them every chance that I get.
She said that she loved raising her kids and that she knew I would be the same way.
My parents and my husband’s parents remind us that one day, they won’t want to spend so much time with us. One day they will be older.
One day they will be grown and they will have many other things to take up their time, other people to listen to their stories…
It fills me with joy to know that one day they will spread their wings and fly, but at the same time, breaks my heart to think of the day when they need us less and less. One day…
TODAY is not that day.
TODAY… I will lie down with our children when they ask. I will sing Toora Loora Loora and Que Sera Sera (their favorite songs). I will pray with them. I will listen to them. I will give them my full attention.
And do you know what?
If this new bedtime routine adds ten minutes onto the end of our night, when our patience is low, and our exhaustion is high, that is ten more minutes that I was lucky enough to have spent with our children…. listening, encouraging, telling them the unspoken words that say:
TODAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME.
As I look in at my child sleeping, I think about how time goes by so quickly and how I am so glad to have these little moments now. I can remember looking at my tiny babies sleeping in their crib years ago… and now, when I look at then sleeping, they are so much older. Time goes so fast.
In ten years, those unspoken words will come back to me when he is grown, getting ready to head off to start his own life, and I ask him to stop what he is doing and sit with ME for a moment… and he does.
We only have a few years to really be present in their lives. Let’s spend these years wisely.
ps- I want to invite you to sign up for my FREE e-mail series called One on One time. It is completely free & I will send you this calendar to get you started. 🙂
If you are having trouble keeping your CHILD IN BED or helping them to SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT, these posts will be helpful:
- 2-3 year old still waking at night? Try this.
- If your child is waking too early, this works.
- This is how to keep a young child in their bed.
- How this medical advice changed our son’s sleep habits forever.
A FEW MORE PARENTING POSTS YOU MIGHT LIKE:
I sleep with my children every night! My husband used to get mad but now he understands it’s a battle he will never win! I love that after crazy hectic days I can cuddle and be mom as they fall into their happy place!!!! Xoxo
My son is now a freshman in college. In high school, he had a job at a restaurant where he would sometimes work till closing. Other nights, he’d go out with friends. I stayed up till he got home partially to know when he was back home and safe, but also because, even at 18, that’s when he talked. Maybe it was sitting in the living room with my teenager instead of lying down with my little boy, but the it remained that he did the most sharing just before bed. I never cared how tired I was. Talking with him… listening to him… was always more important. Did the same thing over winter break. I treasure those conversations so much and I’m grateful that we are close. Nothing is more important.
Thank you so much for this reminder…it’s very easy to get wrapped up in all the things I “need” to get done after bedtime. The truth is, it can wait 🙂
Ah thank so so much for writing this!!! So perfect! I had to share this with my hubby and it’s helped so much. You put my exact thoughts into words for me! I couldn’t articulate this to my husband in a way where he would ‘get it’ now he has!
Oh Wow! thank you for this post! You are so right! It is so easy to get caught up in tasks that we miss moments. So true…they will be gone in a blink of an eye. Such an absolutely beautiful post.I love that! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for this article it has a lot of meaning behind it. I love my two kids very much and I witness so many parents that don’t spend a lot of time with their kids. Also, some believe they are all grown up at 16 and travel and leave them home when they are in another state! We as parents, are here to guide them and protect them and watch them mold into adults. Please parents of little ones once they are teenagers you are still in control and have to be around and know what they are doing, who they are with, etc. I know that 18 years is such a short time to be with them and I know I will have ample time later to travel and do more things for myself but right now that is my job. I love my job! I had kids to raise my kids and be with them and hopefully they will continue to want me around as they grow older too.
Becky, this post totally brought tears to my eyes in the best way. What a wonderful reminder to spend those few extra moments with our kids at night when they want a little extra snuggling. Boy, I know how easy it is to say that you still need to do x,y, and z at night, but reading your reminder of how much we will appreciate those moments with our children as the get older is SPOT ON. My first is almost 5, and I must mention several times a week at what a big boy he is and to stop growing so fast. I know how much I will treasure his snuggles and hugs when he gets older, and I want to make sure that he still wants to spend those moments with me as well 🙂
They grow up WAY too fast!!!
Facebook reminded me this morning that one year ago, I wrote the words below about a picture of my son, Aubry, sweetly sleeping in my bed which I posted 2 years ago. Aubry died in an accident just a few months later. Your post today is a timely reminder to savor each moment with which we are blessed. Thank you.
Last Spring allergies got the best of Aubry at the Boy Scout Camporee that the Webelos were invited to attend. He and I left after the campfire and drove back home. After a shower and a dose of antihistamine, we piled up in my bed. He was out before his sweet head hit the pillow. It was one of those Mom moments when I was so happy that while he was growing into a new stage in his life, for that night, he was still my little boy who needed Mom.
“What a Change”, “Just like that”, or “Where did my baby go?”…..I’ve said them all, just like you. They all have new meaning now. The school year that started out with excitement and promise now, mercifully, is coming to an end. My heart physically hurts from the hole left there. Assignments not completed, field trips not taken, jokes not told, secrets not whispered, spend-the-nights not spent, milestones not crossed, accomplishments not celebrated…the list does not end. The boys’ growth, maturing, failures and accomplishments are all things I’ve cherished. The precious gift of children and all that entails should be savored. Too many times I found myself caught up in the tasks at hand and not fully appreciating every moment. One too many times I said, “Give me just a minute,” and then, just like that….
Seeing all the accomplishments and failures, joys and pains of growth, the milestones in friends lives over the past 9 months has been both sweet and bitter. Sweet, because I am so appreciative of the blessings and lessons of life our Father gives us…all of us…and I am grateful for each, and every, one. Bitter, because I can’t witness those things in MY baby’s life anymore. Aubry is gone…I will NEVER get over that. No matter how much I love my husband, my other son, my family, my forever brothers and sisters…I will NEVER get over missing Aubry. I know, there are those who wish I would, “just get over it,”….I won’t…getting over is something they will have to do. I will continue to cry, for obvious, and not so obvious reasons. I will continue to visit with him, on Sunday, on Wednesday, on any day I am at church both alone and with hundreds. I will do my best to remember a handkerchief but do not expect me to leave a worship service, a school program, or scout meeting so others don’t have to see me be sad. I am not always sad, but when I am, take a minute to give thanks that you don’t know how much…and I pray you NEVER know.
Through all this, I am proud of my other son, B. He lost his oldest friend, his playmate, his catalyst, his defender, his brother, Aubry…and he persevered. He lost a new friend to suicide shortly after Aubry’s death…he persevered. He lost weekly contact with his inner circle of friends when his scout troop folded…he persevered. He waded through an academic year, in a new school, being the kid-whose-brother-died…he persevered. No awards were won, his academics were not stellar…he persevered. Bless him. I am proud of him, he is only 12 years old…and he persevered. I thank our Father that He will always give B exactly what he needs. I thank our Father that He designed and equipped me to be B’s mom. I pray He gives me what I need to know how to hold B lightly because, while I am B’s mom, and he is in my care…he does not belong to me.
There are so very many, some we have not yet met who have held us up since Aubry’s death. Thank you for grace, for kindness, for notes, for gifts, and for prayers. Thank you for beers and tears. Thank you for stories and jokes. Thank you for cookies and Indian food. Thank you for trust and encouragement. Thank you for sharing your lives, your joys, and your love. I pray our Father continues to give us this day, our daily bread…He is ALWAYS with us, and He is with Aubry.
Becky, Thank you again for the reminder and for being open to the Spirit.
Dondra,
I am so sorry. I am only grateful that you took the time to share your story here, to remind us just how important those moments are. You will be in my heart and my prayers. Thank you, sincerely, for sharing today. Hugging you from here.
My daughter is now 14 and when these words come from her room (or she slips into my bed), I have to do everything I can to make it seem like no big deal when my heart is just bursting from the inside!
Aww- I love it.
I loved reading this post! It is a great reminder that time goes by way to fast and to pause and breathe in these moments. Thank you for sharing.
This is so on point. I have always (well most always) said yes to what they call “lay time”. And guess what? My 5’10” Fifteen year old asked me to lay with him tonight….you bet I did because that’s when the “stuff” does come out :). In fact, I just left his room, clenching my heart, because I only have 3 years until he goes off to college and I will have “lay time” no more.
Do you have any advice on being able to spend this precious time at bedtime with your kids, but with 2 children (separate rooms) going to bed at the same time? I have an 8 (boy) and 10 (girl) yr old and they both beg me to lay with them – which I love to do for the exact reasons you posted. However, while I’m laying with one, the other is calling for me. So for instance, even if I tell my daughter to wait (or read alone in bed for a bit) and am in with my son, he still knows that our time is limited (and always seems to feel rushed) because I “have to get to” my daughter (or she’s calling from the other room).
I thought I found a solution, as they were both upset that I was always ‘rushed’ popping between both of them (or angry at the other one for calling out) and so I tried this: I told my son he has to be in bed by 7 and I would lay in bed with him until 7:30 (where we could read, talk and cuddle) and then my daughter could read in her bed independently from 7-7:30. Then I would go to her room from 7:30-8:00. I was trying to give them each one-on-one time at the end of the day. I told them if we followed this ‘schedule’ then they would each have guaranteed time with me without having to worry about me rushing off to the other one, or doing the inevitable “love you, go to sleep, I have to tuck your sister in and get the *fill in chore here* done.” (I am guilty of every one of the excuses you listed at the top of the article – “yes, I can lay with you for a few minutes before I have to go do xyz.”) Unfortunately, this ‘brilliant’ schedule mostly seemed to backfire, because I felt like we were both always watching the clock and my son would always feel like his “time was up” when the clock hit 7:30. Inevitably, he would say dissappointedly “oh, you have to go to {daughters} room now.” Like you said, give an inch, they want a foot. But, regardless, I really didn’t relax or enjoy son’s time because I knew daughter expected me at 730 and didn’t want to be late and take away from her time. Also, with daughter, I felt guilty if I stayed past 8:00 – not fair to son.
Long question, long – do you have any recommendations to make this special time not feel scheduled or ‘timed’, but still be able to accomplish this with both kids (I don’t know how you do it with four!)
Thanks for your time and advice. I’m new to your site, but am excited to start reading more!
Hi,
Oh boy… been there. I am still there some nights. Here are some things that I had to do:
1- If someone comes into someone else’s room, they lose time in their room with just me. It isn’t fair to child A if child B always interrupts.
2- They have to read for 30 minutes at night, so they can use their time alone to read while they are waiting for me.
3- I know that this is a pain, and feels funny, but I did have to say, “I can stay in your room for X amount of minutes.” ( I almost always use the excuse of “Your voice is so soothing that if I hang out here at bedtime for too long, you’ll put me to sleep!” That way I’m blaming the fact that I’m tired & not the other kids.) So – I say “I’ll stay for ten minutes, but if you want to talk more, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE it if you’d come & sit with me during the day – just me & you.” I have been trying to get them alone to just talk during the day & I do find that it works to cut out any jealously at night.
Ex: I’ll just sit in our son’s workshop while he works, I’ll go on a walk with our other son, I’ll draw or color with our daughter, and I’ll just sit & snuggle with our other son while I read to him (these are the things that they like to do best, so I try to pick up on that.)
I will try to write a post over the next few days about a little experiment that we did last summer (about spending time with them like this). Check back on the homepage this week – fingers crossed that I”ll find the time to write it. lol! Right now the kids are eating lunch while I’m checking my comments (they are all home this year- half online, half homeschooled, but I was a teacher, so I love it!) 🙂
Oh- PS – I also always pop back into room 1 (the child that was tucked in first) at the end for “One last hug & kiss.” 🙂