This post was originally written in 2014, but I wanted to bring it back around today. I think that it still holds true to why moms of more kids often less stressed?
Yep. I think we’ve figured it out. More Kids = Less Stress. What? Really. Well, it boils down to a few things that help you to be a stress-free mom.
I think that often times, moms of multiple kids & large families are misunderstood. We’re the crazy ones with the huge families, you know? The ones hearing “Wow- are they all yours?” and “Trying for your own basketball team?”
Yep- that’s us.
If I can speak on behalf of other moms of many… we love it and everything that comes with it.
I’d even go so far as to say that having four kids is less stressful than having one, two, or three kids. I have written several posts about why I think this is true, but it just seems to become truer as time goes by…
When I am out with the kids, I often hear people tell me “You are always so calm.” The first time that I heard it, we all laughed because if I never considered myself to be a calm person… until I had my children.
I have so much MORE on my plate now than I did before I had kids. Often times, I can’t even remember what is on my plate, because there is so much. I’m sure you can relate! You are probably doing the same thing at your house! So why is it that we feel less stressed with more kids?
According to the Today Show, I’m not the only one who feels this way: “Mothers of three children stress more than moms of one or two, while mothers of four or more children actually report lower stress levels, according to an exclusive TODAYMoms.com survey of more than 7,000 U.S. mothers released Monday. Once you get a certain critical mass of kids, life seems to get a bit easier.”
“More stress nuggets from the online survey of 7,164 U.S. mothers, conducted the week of April 17 by TODAY.com and Insight Express:
- 46 percent of moms say their husbands/partners cause them more stress than their kids do.
- 72 percent of moms stress about how stressed they are.
- Biggest cause of stress: 60 percent say it’s lack of time to do everything that needs to get done.
- 60 percent of moms say raising girls is more stressful than raising boys.
- Nine out of 10 moms stress about staying fit and attractive.” ~statistics from TODAY.com
IT’S NOT THE NUMBER OF KIDS… It’s the attitude.
Yes, there is more to worry about. Yes, there is less time. Yes, there is more to do. Yes, there is less energy. However.. I know that I can’t do it all, so I just enjoy it.
Here are the reasons why moms of more kids are less stressed.
1- LET GO OF PERFECTION.
Dr. Janet Taylor, a psychiatrist in New York, mom of four told the TODAY show: “There’s just not enough space in your head” for perfectionism when you get to four or more kids.”
I completely agree. I can’t make the perfect meal every night, so I don’t. I don’t worry about it and I don’t stress about it. Most meals are made in the crockpot, served with a veggie tray that I picked up from the grocery store (pre-ordered online to save time). Dinner is done.
I can’t do it all… so I let go of that need for perfection. I will fail if I try to be perfect. I’m OK with that.
2. WE PLAN… BUT DON’T OVER-PLAN
I know things will go wrong. I know that if I plan to have the perfect picnic lunch, someone will spill something, someone else will get hurt and I will most certainly forget the main meal component. I’m OK with that and I plan on it. I plan on things going wrong. When I say that I plan on it, I don’t mean that I pack extra or that I bring the appropriate things… I mean that I have a mindset of “Things will go wrong. It is going to be OK.” Then, with a smile on my face, we just make the best of it…
3- PLAY.
Sometimes playing is more important than cleaning or cooking dinner. Sometimes messy play is more important than a clean kitchen table (it can be cleaned after). When you have four kids, you can’t have perfection at the same time. Plus, each child has someone to play with at all times, and when they all come together to play – it’s a party at our kitchen table.
4- SLOWING DOWN
I have seen how fast our oldest has grown and it makes me want to slow time. Since I can’t, I just enjoy it. I take those moments that I may have missed if I were always wanting to be doing more & more. I can’t do more with four kids because there isn’t enough of me to go around, so I take these moments when I get them and I enjoy them. A ten minute snuggle in their bed with them while they tell you about their day is more important than making sure that they fall asleep on time.
5- SAY NO TO OVERSCHEDULING.
We’ve had to say “no” to a lot of things, including some of the activities that our kids want to join. It is for our own sanity. We can’t do everything, so we let the kids pick and choose. One activity per child. Gymnastics? Baseball? Lacrosse? Wrestling? Scouts? Whatever they choose- they can only choose one activity per season, per child. That was the way that it was when I grew up and it’s the way that it is for my family.
We also have to say no to travel teams. We will join the ones that travel up to an hour away, but once they talk about traveling for the weekend for an event or game, we’re out. We just can’t, so we don’t. Our kids haven’t had an issue with it yet and they all still play the activities that they want to play.
6- FAMILY COMES FIRST.
If you’ve ever been around me, you’ve heard me say it again and again: “Family comes first”. I remind our kids that if they treat each other right, they will have friends for life. God picked them to be siblings for a reason… they need to nurture that relationship.
Having four kids lends itself to being friends with one another. They have a built-in playmate constantly. There are always two that pair up and play together… and it might not be the same two tomorrow. No one is ever left out and they always have someone around.
7- IT’S ALWAYS A PARTY.
There is always a party when there are 6 of us around! Someone is always doing something fun or exploring something new. When friends come over, it’s like they just joined in on a party or celebration because there are so many of us. Our backyard is where friends gather. Our cul-de-sac, in front of the house, is where kids meet with their bikes. Our driveway is where the basketball game happens after school. They know that when they come here, someone is always ready to play.
Here are our 4 kids & their 2 cousins (these 6 are always together) 🙂
I’m sure that you get the idea… If you can have a more laid-back attitude, for the most part, you will feel less stressed & happier, too. That joy will spread to your children.
8- When you understand that you can’t control it all, you stop trying to control it all.
Instead, you start teaching your children to love life and you start enjoying this life with them… and these moments as a family. You learn that your children will mimic your attitude and your actions. You learn that your voice becomes their inner voice. Being relaxed and happy seems so much healthier than being stressed and angry.
Plus- did you know that the #1 thing that kids want from their parents is for their parents to be less stressed? (It’s proven)
9- FORGET THE DETAILS AND FOCUS ON THE PERSON
I can’t tell you the last time that I planned a birthday party that was more than a text saying “Can ____ come to ___’s Birthday party next weekend? We’re taking five kids to the trampoline park. If he can come, I’ll pick him up at 1:00 and bring him home afterward.” Then we put our family (cousins included) in one car… friends in another & head to the party. Most of the time, we’ll head to a little bakery right after & order doughnuts or cupcakes for the kids then head home. Birthday… done.
Do you know what our kids get out of that? A MOM & DAD WHO ARE HAVING AS MUCH FUN AS THEM!
We aren’t stressed about the party… because it is ALL ABOUT OUR CHILD and not at all about the details. Not at all about the stress. I can’t tell you how much our kids love these little parties. They love how we focus on THEM. They pick the time, the place, the date, the snacks, the friends… we just pick to focus on them.
And when we forget something (like buying candles at the store), we still roll with it. We make it work with a smile. Here’s a great example from last year, after his birthday dinner:
10- SPEND TIME WITH THEM.
Stop worrying about everyone else and everything else and just spend time with your kids. Everyone wins. Embrace how wonderful you already are and stop trying to be more & do more. We can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be something really wonderful to your family. Runoff to play with your kids every chance that you get. Read your child’s favorite book to him. Bake cookies just because you want to. Be happy and calm. Spread those feelings to your kids. It is contagious.
– Join the one-on-one time challenge (30 days) for FREE.
MORE POSTS YOU MIGHT LIKE:
// ]]>
Leah Elizabeth Locklear says
Great post! You are better than I mam! I don’t think I could have four children! Haha.. I really think I would lose it! So my hat is off to you. Great read thanks for sharing ~Leah~
Your Modern Family says
haha!!
Lacy says
We are soul sisters!! I have four kids ages 5 and under, and I love it! I’ve always wanted a big family, and I can totally relate to you asking your husband “so what?” I do it daily with my own. I wish you were my neighbor because we’d have a blast together with our big families. I love your positive attitude, and I am always working to keep one myself! Great post!
Lacy says
By the way, do you have a Facebook for your blog?
Your Modern Family says
Yes 🙂 http://www.facebook.com/Yourmodernfamily
Your Modern Family says
Thanks, Lacy!! I’ve wanted a big family for as long as I can remember, too! 🙂
Nessa says
Thank you so much for this post. As I have been worried about how I will handle four (pregnant with number 4 now), I instantly felt calmer reading this. And you are completely right. The Bible has a verse I can’t remember off the top of my head that actually backs that as well, that it isn’t your circumstances but your mindset. Thank you again. I needed to read this today.
Lindsay Ingram says
I’m so glad that this was helpful. 🙂
Vague says
I read the article awhile ago and wrote about it, too. However, I think I have opposite views than yours…Two kids is enough for me. Running out of hands over here! 😀
http://chaoswithacurve.blogspot.com/2013/05/no-peace-of-mind.html
Your Modern Family says
haha! 🙂
Rachel @ A Mother Far from Home says
SO TIMELY to have found this. I’m expecting my 4th in January and had a momentary slight mental anxiety breakdown thinking “oh my goodness, what will I do with 4?” But you are so right. Even with 3 it seemed easier than with 2. It’s like with 1 and then 2 you hold on to the idea that things can be perfect. With 3 and then, I’m assuming even more so with 4, you just have to let it go. I read an article to that effect sometime saying when you have 4 you simply must calm down and stop sweating the small stuff. Plus, they can entertain themselves with each other 🙂
GREAT POST!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Yes- exactly!! you’ll love having four- just remember not to worry about little things & you’ll be great! 🙂
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
britain says
I felt exactly like this when I had 4, 5 and under. It was number five that sent me to the looney bin. Si, you kniw, beware:) still worth it, but SO MUCH HARDER for some reason
Herchel A Scruggs says
I try not to stress most things. I am with you about having fun with my kids. But I do still stress about getting places on time but that is because we are always late! I need to work on it 🙂 I only have two kids but we are trying for four 😉
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
🙂 haha! We are always late, too… I’ve started setting our clock a few minutes fast & it really works. 🙂
Brittany says
I have 3 kids and with twins on the way so that will make 5! And I noticed that with the more kids I have the less time I have to be stressed out because things do not go by way most of the time and I’ve learned to be on with that.
Lisa says
It’s a quote from Trading Places with Dan Akroyd and Eddie Murphy. Jaime Lee Curtis says it. I love quoting movies also and that I too am calmer after having kids. Great post! Couldn’t agree more!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
🙂 haha!! Thanks!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Yeah- it boils down to this: the change that has to happen is with the parent. You have to learn to let go… that’s what having 4 kids taught me. It wasn’t the number as much as the attitude change. With 2, I was stressed trying to do it all- with 4, I just couldn’t… so I learned to let-go to be stress-free. It was an internal change… my eyes were opened by having 4 and realizing it was either be stressed all the time or learn to let go. 🙂
Diane says
I agree with your assessment. I only have two but I am the oldest of eight . While that fact didn’t help much when I brought my first newborn home, I think my attitude while raising them was less anxious. I was in a unique position to see how my mother’s parenting style relaxed over the years with my younger siblings. I figured out which battles were worth fighting.
Adria Roach says
Great Post!!! It makes sense and I’m slowly learning to let things go. Is that a park in NC, the pic with your dog? I’m planning my week because the kids are on spring break.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Yep! Davidson Park 🙂
Sonia Falcon says
Great post! I’m a mom of your children, two girls & two boys, today they’re adults and a very good persons, thanks to our LORD JESUCHRIST and my teaching, play with they and pray with each at the bed time. Today I have nine grandchildren. If GOD give me the opportunity to born again in this planet, I had chosen my four kids again, but without stresses, more calm, with or without help of their father. My children are great parents right now, and I now better than me! Thanks and GLORY to our LORD!!!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
🙂 Thank you.
Hurrem says
I Have 3 kids. A little girl almost 3 years old, a baby boy almost 1 year old, I am having my third baby girl on August 2016. I really want to have 4 kids but my husband said we are done with the third baby. But my husband doesn’t avoid any pregnancy, not take any method to avoid contraception, I decided to do exactly what I did last I did not take any birth control pills since I delivered my baby boy last year, and right now I am 6 months pregnant with baby #3. I will go head do the same thing this year too and probably I will be typing again to let you all know I am expecting baby #4 next year, Allah Willing.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
OH congratulations!!
Hurrem says
I love your post I think that is very interesting for many desperate mothers out there. I have read and heard a lot of women after having 1,2,3, kids decided to not have any kids permanently and after years they wanted 1 more kid or etc. But our society is being programmed about having 3 kids the maximun and that is so wrong concept people should have as many as kids they want don’t matter class, money, space, etc.
Hurrem says
I love your post because it is very interesting and educational for a lot of desperate mothers out there. I have read and heard of many womens that took the decision of sterilization permanent after having 1,2,3, kids. And after years later they wanted to have 1 or more kids. It is a shame how our society is being programmed about having 3 kids the maximum. People should have as many kids they desired. It really does not matter money, what class you belongs, etc.
Emily says
I needed this today. I am a new blogger,new mom, and extreme people person adjusting to being a SAHM. Since I started blogging, I have put way to much pressure on myself and worry about timeframes. Thank you for this piece. 🙂
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
🙂
Tom Byers says
I read a number of your articles although I’ve never commented before but I have to say I have enjoyed reading them. With a bunch of children you certainly take a different attitude than when you only have one or two. I found three the most challenging, expectations changed after that and now we have 10. I can’t say our children don’t have chores as we have a farm but even working together builds bonds. Keep up the great work!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
🙂 That was so kind. Thank you!
Hurrem says
Hello, Beck, I just had my third baby last week, I am so happy that she is here as one more member of my own family. I just want to recover as soon as possible and lose weight that I gained during my pregnancy and finally after that to get pregnant again with baby #4 as soon as possible I decided to run through fire than walk through it.
Amy says
Love, love, love this! I was just thinking of writing a similar post the other day 😄 I have 3 kids right now and people look at me like I’m crazy when I say I want another one! But it’s true that it gets easier because you learn to let go of the little things and enjoy each moment. Before we know it, they’ll be all grown up!
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
True!
steph says
I totally agree!!
We have four kids under six, and it has gotten easier. By number four, you just know what works and what to let go. People always ask how we do it, especially as we have extra curriculars. Honestly, having more hasn’t really crunched us for much more time or money. The baby gear has lasted and the routine has been fine tuned. Although, admittedly sometimes they wear the same socks two days in a row and go with uncombed hair more days than I want to count. We are open to more kids even!
Michaela says
Thank you for this post. I just found out that I am pregnant with my 4th, and have been pretty stressed about it the past few days.. this article gave me a completely new perspective on things and I truly feel 100% better about this whole situation. Thank you thank you thank you so much. ❤️❤️❤️
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Congratulations!! Four is such a wonderful number. 🙂 You’re going to LOVE it.
Naomi says
I also found out that I was pregnant 8 months after giving birth to my 3 rd baby,it wasn’t easy but I’m glad to see that I’m not alone.
Amanda says
Lots of REAL points in this article! I have 5 teenagers full time and all these points are valid. But I keep my sanity thru our weekly schedule, chores list, and extracurricular activities at a minimum. Plus they know what is expected of them at home and school, so if they stray outside those boundaries they already know what to expect. I never thought I would be a full time mom to 5 kids sometimes 6…and most times more than that because of their friends. Nothing ever goes as planned lol and I’ve learned thru the years eaxh one is different and require different approaches. But that teaches them life is not perfect and we sometimes have to roll with the punches as they come.
Stanly says
Very much informative & valuable article. Just love this. Really great article. Happy blogging & keep it up.
Andru Lynch says
Exceptional idea. Playing & enjoying time with family is one of the best feelings in the world. Superb thinking. Thanks for sharing.
Lauren Ceane says
I really enjoyed this post! Excited to read posts from you.
Becky (Your Modern Family) says
Thank you so much for your kind words 🙂
Megan says
Momma of 7 (daughters) and loving it! Can’t say it is less stressful than having one child because I have no idea how having one child feels lol!