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I have been thinking about this a lot and wanted to share it with you… that moment when you realize that you are done having babies and you are closing that chapter.
UPDATE: This post was originally written several years ago, but it was on my heart to share it again, so here it is again… WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU’RE DONE HAVING BABIES…
Last night, while we were out to eat with our four kids, I looked over at the booth across the room from our table. I saw a mom with her two teenage daughters. I saw them laughing together, and I saw the girls interacting with each other, making faces that only the other one would understand.
I leaned in and whispered to my husband… “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a sister for Allie? “
The look that he gave back to me told me his answer (I had five very high-risk pregnancies, one ending in a loss~ read that story here).
(This was us in 2012… finding out that she was a girl.)
I am slowly learning that although he has always agreed to four children and I always knew that this was our “magic number,”… you know, the one that we both agree on? I still had that little thought in my mind… what about one more?
I think that coming to terms with the fact that you are done having babies is hard, whether this is after you have had one baby or 18 babies… realizing that this is your LAST baby is something to stop you, to make you think, to make you appreciate and miss what you had and have.
The last time that you felt that first flutter in your belly- the one that felt like tiny butterfly wings on the wall of your uterus.
The last time that I ran to the bathroom after my husband burnt something in the kitchen because my pregnancy hormones were not letting me handle any smells out of the norm.
The last time that our sons would put their hands on my belly and wait for their sibling to kick it away.
The last time that I watched my stomach move while our baby changed positions.
The last time that our baby, in my belly, would kick my husband’s back while I slept during the night (our babies were always so active at night).
The last time I would be rushed to the hospital was in the middle of the night.
The last time that I would be told to push or that I would say, “I can do this without pain medication,” only to cry halfway through, telling my husband that it was such terrible pain and asking, “Why did I wait so long to ask for an epidural?”
The last time that I would hold a brand new baby while they got used to being OUTSIDE of the womb…
The last time that I would bring a new baby home, visitors would tell me that he/she was “the tiniest baby I ever held” (our babies were small- 5 lbs., 4 lbs., 7 lbs., and 6 lbs.)
The last time that I would nurse a baby, while rubbing that soft baby head with what felt like duck fuzz instead of hair, and listen to their little breath and grunt as they swallowed each sip of milk (that tiny, unintended smile that they have when they are falling asleep with a full belly)
Yes, the last baby is a hard chapter to close in the book of life.
I guess what it really means is that we are getting older. Gone are the days when we spent a lifetime dreaming of these things… engagements, weddings, pregnancy, and birth. From the time that I was in elementary school, I can remember pretending to be pregnant (Pillow under my shirt). You spend so many years dreaming of those days… and they come and go so quickly!
Getting older for me means getting older for everyone else, too. No more first steps, or first hugs, or first kisses. I won’t watch a baby cringe the first time that I place them in the funny-feeling sand~ at the same place where I first met the beach.
Or, on that same day, discover how much fun it can be to play in the sand and look out at the ocean.
I won’t swing them over the ocean when they are tiny enough to let me lift them high enough to let those little toes touch the water barely.
And, my children will not know my maternal Grandparents (the reason that we know & love the beach as we do), because as we got older, so did they.
So, while not having any more children symbolizes all of these things for me, we are moving on from those days.
We are moving into our middle years: adventures, laughs, real conversations with our kids, seeing their dreams become reality. I can watch their relationships grow and watch them bond, as more than siblings, but as friends…
As my husband says “Its time to close that chapter of the book.”
While the thought of not being in the baby stage is sad for me, because I do love it so, I am so excited for what is to come. Tonight we went out to dinner and we had a great time (It is getting easier to go out to eat as they get older). Even our toddler was just sitting beside me in the booth, eating her dinner. We all just talked.
I can only imagine how much fun life will be as they continue to grow and we can continue to connect with them in ways that we didn’t realize.
It might not be by singing a lullaby or by tickling their piggy toes… it will be by listening to them, taking an interest in what they are interested in, and learning from them while they learn from us- becoming their friends as they age.
So, I am ready to close that chapter… because if you thought that chapter was good, just you wait…♥
I’d love to invite you to join my free one-on-one time Challenge. I will send you this calendar, along with daily e-mails with tasks, advice, and inspiration so you can have a relationship with your children that you always envisioned.
In the meantime, enjoy the beautiful babies that you have raised… and look forward to your FUN life ahead, filled with joy, love & laughter.
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Thank you so much for writing this article. I am currently on my third pregnancy (10 weeks to be exact) and so far history is repeating again for me with severe morning sickness. I really feel the toll with #3 because #1 is just coming to 4 years while #2 is just shy of 1 year so it really is a challenge for me. Luckily I have great friends to give me support and a super-awesome Sister whom daily gives me kind words of support and I should mention my better half is also helping a lot although most times I still have my fair share of handling our children. At times I really feel like giving up because the lack of energy and attention I give to my #1 and #2 is heartbreaking for me and I sometimes wonder why it has to be this bad with each pregnancy. Your article has somewhat made me realize that if this should be my last pregnancy then all the suffering of severe morning sickness should be worth it because I won’t be able to experience that again. Thanks again and God bless you and your beautiful family.
Thank you! Good luck with this pregnancy. (ps- I had morning sickness with all five pregnancies… I can’t imagine not being sick.. can you?) 🙂
God bless you, too!
i enjoy this video, thanks.I am in my fortys now. I am been divorce long time ago,so I get married again 2 years ago so after that, I got pregnance.And he didnt expect that because He didnt want havea baby too soon. Anyway he had two girls in his own before.They are adult now, even married one of them.Anyway I still have the idea for having another baby, even if he doesnt want. But in the same time is hard for me to take the decision because I am still studing at college. so close the book of life is kind of sadddd. help me with a coment. THANKSSS
But i forget tell you that i have forth kids with my previous marriaje. The older has 19years old. So I am thinking maybe 6 is my number 🙂
🙂 haha.
Stumbled upon this post today, and such perfect timing for me… It seems everyone I know is expecting or just had a baby. And a part of me wonders what it would be like to have just one more….and another part is enjoying my kids at 6 and 7.
Definitely a post we all can relate to.
Thanks so much for leaving that comment. Ps- our oldest kids are close in age to yours. 🙂
Wow, I never knew that another person–especially someone I’ve never met!–could so completely verbalize my feelings! What an amazing example of the truth that we really are all more alike than we know. So many other women have commented in the same way…I think you really struck a chord.
I have three kiddos ranging from 11-3, and we’re unsure wether we are able to conceive again (my husband has a pituitary tumor, which has been removed twice and radiated once…and the pituitary controls testosterone, among other things). Our youngest is a miracle baby, but it feels very unrealistic to hope that could happen again for us, considering the circumstances. But even if…well, I have felt so torn over the last year or so because, like you, I’ve loved having babies, growing them, nurturing them, cherishing the sweet, soft, quiet and innocent moments with them. But I’m also enjoying watching my kids grow up, having meaningful conversations with them, seeing their real personalities develop, watching them figure out that Mom and Dad are more than the hands that feed them, or the arms that comfort them after a fall–that we can have real depth to our relationship. And a very real part of me feels–despite the sadness of ‘closing that chapter,’ that it’s time to move on and start writing another one.
This is already so long, so I won’t go on, but I just had to thank you for your heartfelt, vulnerable and transparent post. And also, for letting me know that it’s okay to feel divided–that many women have those same feelings, and that it may not be a clear, obvious decision with confirming feelings of finality…but that’s okay. :,)
🙂 Thanks for writing this!!
This is a great post. I have four kiddos one boy and three girls (9, 7, 3, 21months). I had two beautiful children, then suffered two miscarriages, one that was nearly fatal. I thought we were done, and it was truly heartbreaking. Then, somehow, we found the courage to try again, and had another beautiful little girl and amazingly enough, about 18 months later, we found out we were expecting again, a third little girl! All my pregnancies that lasted more than 12 weeks were great. I was healthy and had no complications other than the normal achiness of pregnancy. In October of last year we found out we were expecting again, and I was so excited! Unfortunately, that pregnancy also ended in a miscarriage, and my husband and I both decided that we were done. We couldn’t take another loss. On Mother’s day we found out we were expecting again and we were both flabbergasted! It truly must have been in His plan, because it was definitely a shock to ours. But at 17 or so weeks along, I couldn’t be happier to be expecting our fifth child, though I think we are all hoping that this one is another boy :). I am still anxious and nervous that something will go wrong either with me or the baby, but looking forward to feeling more of this little ones’ kicks and holding another precious miracle in my arms. I have no idea if we will have more after this, I’m thinking likely not. Eight pregnancies have been tough on my body, and three losses have been immensely difficult emotionally. At only 31, I know I still have time for more children, I’m just not sure I have the strength. It is sad, but this baby is an unexpected blessing and that makes the thought that we are done a little easier to handle.
I’m so sorry! That had to be so scary! When I read that you are having your 5th child, I got the chills! How exciting!
I have started to come to terms with the fact i will never have another baby. I have a 7 and 8 year old and have wanted one for many many years but having no luck and have not had a period in almost 5 years(im only 33) i think im done. it is very hard for me to accept but i have started too weather i like it or not. i wish i just had insurance to figure out why.
I’m sorry- that is so hard.
Ps- We’re the same age with the same age kids. 😉
Thanks for writing this article. I thought about this for the last 15 years, when our oldest son was born. God blessed me with two healthy boys, but there’s always been a deep seeded desire to have a daughter.
I was 27 when we married, we waited the customary 4 years to start our family. But the first pregnancy ended abruptly at 6 weeks, then It took us three years before we had our son. Then afree he was born, I had another miscarrisge at 12 weeks(tell me I’m crazy I always felt that was our girl). Then two years later my youngest son was born. I was 39 and had two high risk pregnancies, so I called it quits. Now at 49, I dream of one day having a granddaughter.
How sweet!
I am also a mom of four…all boys, all high risk. I have wanted a girl for as long as I can remember. This past week has been so incredibly difficult for a lot of reasons. I just miscarried our very unexpected, unplanned baby on Thursday at 11 weeks. Two days prior we found out it was our girl. I am 37 and have had 3 previous miscarriages so my OB had genetic testing done. We also found out she had a fatal genetic disease. It has been so hard. My OB also strongly recommended I have my tubes tied because of my age and the likelihood I will have more losses if we go forward with any more pregnancies. Too much loss in such a short time. I am coming to terms with no more babies, sort of against my will.
Oh I am so sorry! That is so hard. I wish that I had words to comfort you more. I will be thinking of you & praying for you.
This really hit home for me. I have three boys and a girl ages 7,5, 2,1 i also had high risk pregnancies and two miscarriages so after my last baby i decided to get my tubes tied. I struggled through my entire pregnancy going back and forth on weather or not i was going to do it or not my husband and most of my family were very convincing on the obvious reasons of why i should like my health four being enough and what if something happened to me and i wasnt able to be there for the children we already have but i kept thinking what if further down the road i wanted another one but then i wouldnt just wamt one because then that one would be alone in age so id want two more or i was thinking well my daughter willbe alone i want to have another girl so she can have a friend to play with too but what are the chances of it being another girl most of my and my husbands family only ever have one girl and lors of boys ultimatly i decided due to health reasons that getting them tied was the best option for my family and i am happy with that decision now that my youngest is a yr old and it is slowly getting easier to go out in public places with all kids without chaos lol i do from time to time when i see a pregnant friend or random person miss thef eeling of being pregnant or the feeling u get the first time u hold ur baby after hrs of pain a pushing knowing that l thats ur baby and after them living inside of u for nine month u finally get to hold them and see what they look like it truly is the greatest feeling in the world but i am also excited now that they aregetti g older to be able to do the fun things with them we recently took our two oldest boys to busch gardens and it was so much fun i cant wait for my two youngest to get a little older so we can plan a family trip to disney world i just think theyre to young now to enjoy it and it would be hectic with them being so young still
That is so awesome!! Thank you for sharing that with me (us).
Ps- Disney will be awesome when they are all old enough to go! We want to go back when Allie (our youngest) is 5. We took her at 2, but she was a little too young to keep up with the older kids. 🙂
I am a mother of 3 boys and one girl…our “baby” gets married on Saturday. We are blessed with 3 wonderful daughter-in-laws and a wonderful son-in-law…and 6 Grandchildren… So far….I had such a hard time being done carrying babies…but having Grandchildren running around brings back all those wonderful memories… And brings brand new ones…watching your children grow into adults and raising their own children is absolutely incredible….so absolutely blessed!!!!
Oh wow!! How amazing!! Congratulations!
I am on my last one as well. Only number two. I have a two year old girl and due in December with a little boy! I have gone through too many miscarriages and had complications with both pregnancies. My daughter was large and this pregnancy seems to be good but I have to go to a high risk dr because my sons kidneys are enlarged. After finding that out my husband looked at me and said “we are done, for your health and the kids’ health”. I had my appendix removed about a week after my daughters first birthday and will have my gallbladder removed after I deliver this baby. It’s definitely hard to think and know I am done because I will be 24 next month and that I will only have two kids. 🙁
Wow- that had to be hard to have those surgeries so young! I’m sorry.
I just found this post through Facebook. “Being done” has been on my heart and mind a lot this year. We always thought we would have four children and then stop. I looked forward to moving out of the baby stage together and starting a new stage with all “big kids”. Last Spring, I became pregnant with number 4. We were sure this was it and we were discussing what we would do after he was born. All of the little things which were supposed to be “lasts” were so special and bittersweet. Then, at 22 weeks, we found out that our son’s heart had stopped beating (later to find out due to a knot in his cord). Everything has changed. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am not ultimately in control. We are hopeful that sometime the Lord will bless us with one more. At which point I will likely be having all the feelings all over again.
Oh Lisa- My heart breaks for you. I have chills reading what you wrote. I will be praying for you and one more baby to complete your family puzzle.
Reading this made me cry. I too am beginning to realize I will likely never have another baby. I had 4 children, all with the same man. 3 girls and my last was a boy. One of my daughters passed away 9-1/2 years ago at the age of 3. Approximately a month after my son was born, a month and a half before my daughter died, the man I was with forced me to have a tubal.
He was an extremely abusive man. He said horrible things to me to make me believe that a tubal was the best answer. In all honesty, it probably was considering how he treated me. I stayed with him out of fear for 14 years of my life. We were high school sweethearts. Here I am now in my early 30s and I am married to an absolutely terrific man. He saved me from that abusive relationship.
He is literally my savior sent from God. He has no children of his own, but he loves my children as if they were his. It fills my heart with joy to see that my children love him so dearly in return. Baby fever struck us both so fiercely about a year ago. We both expressed the desire to have a child. Unfortunately, the cost of a reversal is far too great for either of us and it just breaks both of our hearts to know that it will likely not happen.
Coming to the realization that I may be finished having babies is very hard. Knowing that chapter of my life may have finally met its end brings me to tears and you put that so beautifully into words. I suppose if it is in the stars or part of God’s will, it will happen for us, but if not, then God will surely help ease the heartache of it. Thank you for sharing this.
Well thank you for commenting. I am so so sorry for your hard (past) life. I can’t imagine those things & I have chills thinking about it. I’m so glad that you have met your husband. I’m sure that your story is always going to be on my heart.
We thought we were done. 3 girls, the last pregnancy was scary and ended at 27 weeks. They are now 23, 21 and 17. We jave a 2 year old grandson and thought we had moved on from the parenting phase of our lives. As i write this I am 8 months pregnant with number 4, a boy. 2016 will bring a new baby and college and high school graduations. Honestly the best surprise ever. I guess the moral is to jever say never.
I read this and I realized I don’t want to be done with having babies. I have 4-years daughter and 3-month son, both delivered by c-section , during the last c-section my uterus was fractured, one of the doctors said I should quite having more babies, I was devastated instead of feeling happy to deliver a beautiful son. I was consulting my case with other doctor who said there is a chance to deliver a healthy baby in the future but I need to have good doctors and the delivery should be planned for 36-37th week of pregnancy, This doctor gave me hope. I will discuss it with the third one but as I am breastfeeding my ittle boy and realizing it should be the last time I am doing the whole things around baby, my heart is bleeding. It’s so addictive; baby’s smell, voice, everything..I am 30. I do want to have more children, (best wishes from Poland)
Thanks, Anna! Best wishes to you, too.
I still can not stop crying after reading this. I feel that way, every single word you wrote, and it feels nice to know i am not the only one feeling this. This is the moment in life I always dreamed of being at, and it is going away so fast…. No more babies here after our three blessings… just watching them grow, and growing with them….
Thanks for sharing!