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I have been thinking about this a lot and wanted to share it with you… that moment when you realize that you are done having babies and you are closing that chapter.
UPDATE: This post was originally written several years ago, but it was on my heart to share it again, so here it is again… WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU’RE DONE HAVING BABIES…
Last night, while we were out to eat with our four kids, I looked over at the booth across the room from our table. I saw a mom with her two teenage daughters. I saw them laughing together, and I saw the girls interacting with each other, making faces that only the other one would understand.
I leaned in and whispered to my husband… “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a sister for Allie? “
The look that he gave back to me told me his answer (I had five very high-risk pregnancies, one ending in a loss~ read that story here).
(This was us in 2012… finding out that she was a girl.)
I am slowly learning that although he has always agreed to four children and I always knew that this was our “magic number,”… you know, the one that we both agree on? I still had that little thought in my mind… what about one more?
I think that coming to terms with the fact that you are done having babies is hard, whether this is after you have had one baby or 18 babies… realizing that this is your LAST baby is something to stop you, to make you think, to make you appreciate and miss what you had and have.
The last time that you felt that first flutter in your belly- the one that felt like tiny butterfly wings on the wall of your uterus.
The last time that I ran to the bathroom after my husband burnt something in the kitchen because my pregnancy hormones were not letting me handle any smells out of the norm.
The last time that our sons would put their hands on my belly and wait for their sibling to kick it away.
The last time that I watched my stomach move while our baby changed positions.
The last time that our baby, in my belly, would kick my husband’s back while I slept during the night (our babies were always so active at night).
The last time I would be rushed to the hospital was in the middle of the night.
The last time that I would be told to push or that I would say, “I can do this without pain medication,” only to cry halfway through, telling my husband that it was such terrible pain and asking, “Why did I wait so long to ask for an epidural?”
The last time that I would hold a brand new baby while they got used to being OUTSIDE of the womb…
The last time that I would bring a new baby home, visitors would tell me that he/she was “the tiniest baby I ever held” (our babies were small- 5 lbs., 4 lbs., 7 lbs., and 6 lbs.)
The last time that I would nurse a baby, while rubbing that soft baby head with what felt like duck fuzz instead of hair, and listen to their little breath and grunt as they swallowed each sip of milk (that tiny, unintended smile that they have when they are falling asleep with a full belly)
Yes, the last baby is a hard chapter to close in the book of life.
I guess what it really means is that we are getting older. Gone are the days when we spent a lifetime dreaming of these things… engagements, weddings, pregnancy, and birth. From the time that I was in elementary school, I can remember pretending to be pregnant (Pillow under my shirt). You spend so many years dreaming of those days… and they come and go so quickly!
Getting older for me means getting older for everyone else, too. No more first steps, or first hugs, or first kisses. I won’t watch a baby cringe the first time that I place them in the funny-feeling sand~ at the same place where I first met the beach.
Or, on that same day, discover how much fun it can be to play in the sand and look out at the ocean.
I won’t swing them over the ocean when they are tiny enough to let me lift them high enough to let those little toes touch the water barely.
And, my children will not know my maternal Grandparents (the reason that we know & love the beach as we do), because as we got older, so did they.
So, while not having any more children symbolizes all of these things for me, we are moving on from those days.
We are moving into our middle years: adventures, laughs, real conversations with our kids, seeing their dreams become reality. I can watch their relationships grow and watch them bond, as more than siblings, but as friends…
As my husband says “Its time to close that chapter of the book.”
While the thought of not being in the baby stage is sad for me, because I do love it so, I am so excited for what is to come. Tonight we went out to dinner and we had a great time (It is getting easier to go out to eat as they get older). Even our toddler was just sitting beside me in the booth, eating her dinner. We all just talked.
I can only imagine how much fun life will be as they continue to grow and we can continue to connect with them in ways that we didn’t realize.
It might not be by singing a lullaby or by tickling their piggy toes… it will be by listening to them, taking an interest in what they are interested in, and learning from them while they learn from us- becoming their friends as they age.
So, I am ready to close that chapter… because if you thought that chapter was good, just you wait…♥
I’d love to invite you to join my free one-on-one time Challenge. I will send you this calendar, along with daily e-mails with tasks, advice, and inspiration so you can have a relationship with your children that you always envisioned.
In the meantime, enjoy the beautiful babies that you have raised… and look forward to your FUN life ahead, filled with joy, love & laughter.
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As I cry reading this…thinking why am I crying? I have been that person that says oh heck no we are DONE! I have 3 boys youngest is 5. He has been a tough one. Very stubborn and hard headed. At this stage can’t imagine going back and starting over, but as I read your thoughts about the LAST of things it makes me sad and realize just how fast they really do grow up. I know my husband is but am I really done??
Thank you for your post and thoughts.
🙂 I know. (Well- if it helps, I cried writing it)
This made me cry! We welcomed our second baby into the world just nine months ago, and already know that we want more. I am dreading the day that we will officially be done having babies. These early years go by so fast, I wish there was a pause button sometimes. Great post! – Vicki
Thanks so much, Vicki. 🙂
Even more painful is the realization that you will never have even one.
Joanie, my heart aches for you. I am so so sorry.
Thanks for this post. SO glad I’m not alone in these feelings! I’m currently rocking our 3rd and last baby! He just turned a year and I’m so thankful for 3 wonderful babies but still sad that this in the last one!!No more babies kicking in my belly! No more nursing in the middle of the night! No more precious first steps, kisses, etc! It’s definitely more emotional than I thought!!
I know. Bittersweet.
How do you know the appropriate time to wait between having babies? My daughter will be four in June 2015 and I’m still not ready to have another one although we did plan to have another one by the time she was two or three and at that time which is now, we are just still not ready, not comfortable. And although I want another baby, a newborn, I am reminded every day what it’s like to be the parent of a toddler, and almost 4-year-old and I know that I will have to go through that all over again and those ears are very fun but they’re also very hard and I’m just afraid that I might not be able to handle it. Not only that, but her father says that one is enough even though we both decided to have another one when we had her by the time she was three, here we are she’s three almost 4 in two months and he says one is enough he doesn’t want another one I mean what do I do?
I don’t know- I always wanted our close in age because I wanted them to be best friends. 🙂 I don’t really have any advice, except to think about what it means to really be “done” and decide if that is what you both want.
I am trying to come to terms with this myself. I am 45 & have a wonderful 6 yo son with Autism, that I wouldnt trade for anything. I have always wanted a girl. We have been trying for about three years to get pregnant (it took 3.5 for Bee to come along). I have a niece that is due in June and I am trying to face the fact that it wont happen. I loved being pregnant even though I ws sick the whole time. Thanks for your story.
How exciting to have a niece due in June! 🙂
I too, have four, three boys (11, 9, and 6) and a beautiful 14 month old baby girl. We always thought 3 was our magic number until we had our third. It had very little to do with him being the third boy. We knew before he was born than four was a possibility, but we prevented for four years to be sure. And just shy of four years after having my IUD put in, I am pretty sure I had a miscarriage. We had a miscarriage before our third, so I was pretty sure that was what I was going thru again. I felt so sick after that. I just couldn’t keep it anymore, so I had it removed. One cycle later, I didn’t feel right and I was pregnant again. We agreed that this was IT. Boy or girl, we were DONE. I was so ecstatic to learn we were having a GIRL! And almost immediately I realized I was sad that she would be my last. But really I don’t know if I could handle another pregnancy physically. I had prenatal detachment disorder, prenatal depression and anxiety (that something bad would happen to her/me), and I wanted a natural unmedicated birth so very badly and didn’t get one. All that made me kind of wish for just one more. I know it’s silly, so I am becoming more content. We’re doing prevention on our own til his vacation so he can get ‘fixed,’ and recently almost had an oops moment that we caught in time. He said if we do get pregnant again due to an oops moment, we just know it’s God’s way of telling us we were wrong to stop at four. I’m not praying for that even though I wouldn’t be too upset. 🙂
I, too, lost a sweet baby. I feel like we have ton in common (3 boys, then a loss & then a baby girl). My husband said the same thing!
What the heck is everyone so sad about realising you’ve had enough babies?!! Now you can sleep again, bend again and dry your feet after the shower and no more having to risk your life being pregnant or pushing a baby out of your vag! And no more sleepless nights or dirty nappies or food flying across the room or teething!! Now you get to enjoy those children as you get to see who they are turning into as you gradually become friends. Having more than 4 kids is greedy in this day and age if you ask me anyway and you could never give more than that the attention they need in order to thrive so you should all be cheering that your work there is done!
Having more than two children in this day and age is greedy. We’re in the midst of a 6th mass extinction due largely to our impact on the Earth and it’s resources. Ignoring or denying that it is happening or imagining that it is a part of some super-being’s will (He has a plan for us all, don’t make me laugh) is not going to make it go away. Knowing I was having my last child wasn’t an emotional moment for me, knowing what sort of World we’re leaving for him and his brother to grow up in is a constant emotional “moment”. Knowing the selfish attitudes on display and lack of concern for our planet’s plight by the majority of mother’s that I meet is a constant embarrassment. We need to learn about and teach our children about sustainability.
The best part is when your children grow up get married and have their own kids our 3 have blessed us with 11 grandchildren
OH- I’m sure!! 🙂 How wonderful!
I’m sitting here in absolute tears reading this. I’m 37 and have 5 kids ageing 7m to 20y and trying to tell myself and finding it really hard to deal with, that I’m “done” 🙁 I don’t want to be done. What comes next? Does it mean I’m OLD and does it mean it’s my turn to whither away and be of no use to anyone? Help!
Aww- I know!! It just means that you are ready to watch them live amazing lives!
I have three children; 19, 12 and 20 months. Quite a span! 7 years then another 10. Each time I thought it was my last. Even now, after my son, I wonder what it would be like if he had another little one to play with. Not that his amazingly doting older sisters (from my first marriage) aren’t enough, but I wonder. I loved being pregnant, I’m lucky, I’ve never felt better. Most of the time. Your article struck a chord with me…and also made me wonder. I’m sure I’m done…I just don’t want to admit it yet. Hopefully 7 or 10 MORE years from now…I won’t get any ideas. 🙂
🙂 hahaha!! I love it!
Ps- how awesome to have pregnancies like that!!
I wish it were so easy to cope with closing that chapter and moving on. It’s a sad thing for me to attempt to cope with. I have 3 children, my last 2 were twins. I had to have my tubes cut, tied and burned. I seriously regret it. I have no choice in turning back the time now. I know it’s best for my health, but I’m not doing well with the idea. My twins are turning 2 this year, and it kills me that I’ll never again breastfeed, only one of my 3 children successfully did. That makes me feel like a failure of a mother in a way. I know they’re all healthy but I feel awful for my son, he’s the only boy and there’s never a chance of him having a brother. I wish it were so easy to close that chapter of life and move on, but this mommy still wishes she didn’t have to
Oh you are not a failure at all! My best friend’s kids were formula fed and they are so amazingly smart & healthy (& happy!)
I know- it is hard, isn’t it?
As my baby boy graduated from kindergarten today I was overwhelmed with joy, but also sadness. Knowing that my babies are growing so fast all but broke my heart. I am the proud mother of 3 boys , and a girl. The oldest 14, the youngest 6. All were difficult pregnancies; all c section, and bed rest. The youngest ruptured my uterus. I was told I would not be able to carry a child after that. I had several miscarriages as well. So I had a full hysterectomy when my baby turned 2. I thought that was the hardest day of my life. I was wrong, somehow today was harder. So glad I found this story!!
Wow- our lives are similar, you are just a little ahead of me. 3 boys & a girl – about the same distance apart in ages as your own.
I’m going to be 30 in september and I have 4 children my last one is 1 year old and my oldest 9….they are all so wonderful and amazing, I loved each pregnancy with all it’s difficulties and amazing moments ..
I loved to read this artilcle as I keep wondering if this is my last one ….I still feel so young and in some way do feel kind of scared at the thoght that this is my last child ..
But at the same time our kids born in this time they need so much of our time to grow strong and steady …in an such unstable world, giving them the strenght they need and the faith that they will require to go and be strong!
So Just the thought of been a young mom, and seeing all I have ahead I’m pretty exited !!!
So let’s look foward into the future for is as bright as the stars .
Thankyou again I loved it!!!
🙂 Such encouragement- thanks for the comment!
You will do all those things again. It will just be a few years from now with babies that that remind you soo much of a baby you used to have that you won’t be able to look away!! ? I know,spoken like a true Grandmother!
Thank you!! I love that!