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I have been thinking about this a lot and wanted to share it with you… that moment when you realize that you are done having babies and you are closing that chapter.
UPDATE: This post was originally written several years ago, but it was on my heart to share it again, so here it is again… WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU’RE DONE HAVING BABIES…
Last night, while we were out to eat with our four kids, I looked over at the booth across the room from our table. I saw a mom with her two teenage daughters. I saw them laughing together, and I saw the girls interacting with each other, making faces that only the other one would understand.
I leaned in and whispered to my husband… “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a sister for Allie? “
The look that he gave back to me told me his answer (I had five very high-risk pregnancies, one ending in a loss~ read that story here).
(This was us in 2012… finding out that she was a girl.)
I am slowly learning that although he has always agreed to four children and I always knew that this was our “magic number,”… you know, the one that we both agree on? I still had that little thought in my mind… what about one more?
I think that coming to terms with the fact that you are done having babies is hard, whether this is after you have had one baby or 18 babies… realizing that this is your LAST baby is something to stop you, to make you think, to make you appreciate and miss what you had and have.
The last time that you felt that first flutter in your belly- the one that felt like tiny butterfly wings on the wall of your uterus.
The last time that I ran to the bathroom after my husband burnt something in the kitchen because my pregnancy hormones were not letting me handle any smells out of the norm.
The last time that our sons would put their hands on my belly and wait for their sibling to kick it away.
The last time that I watched my stomach move while our baby changed positions.
The last time that our baby, in my belly, would kick my husband’s back while I slept during the night (our babies were always so active at night).
The last time I would be rushed to the hospital was in the middle of the night.
The last time that I would be told to push or that I would say, “I can do this without pain medication,” only to cry halfway through, telling my husband that it was such terrible pain and asking, “Why did I wait so long to ask for an epidural?”
The last time that I would hold a brand new baby while they got used to being OUTSIDE of the womb…
The last time that I would bring a new baby home, visitors would tell me that he/she was “the tiniest baby I ever held” (our babies were small- 5 lbs., 4 lbs., 7 lbs., and 6 lbs.)
The last time that I would nurse a baby, while rubbing that soft baby head with what felt like duck fuzz instead of hair, and listen to their little breath and grunt as they swallowed each sip of milk (that tiny, unintended smile that they have when they are falling asleep with a full belly)
Yes, the last baby is a hard chapter to close in the book of life.
I guess what it really means is that we are getting older. Gone are the days when we spent a lifetime dreaming of these things… engagements, weddings, pregnancy, and birth. From the time that I was in elementary school, I can remember pretending to be pregnant (Pillow under my shirt). You spend so many years dreaming of those days… and they come and go so quickly!
Getting older for me means getting older for everyone else, too. No more first steps, or first hugs, or first kisses. I won’t watch a baby cringe the first time that I place them in the funny-feeling sand~ at the same place where I first met the beach.
Or, on that same day, discover how much fun it can be to play in the sand and look out at the ocean.
I won’t swing them over the ocean when they are tiny enough to let me lift them high enough to let those little toes touch the water barely.
And, my children will not know my maternal Grandparents (the reason that we know & love the beach as we do), because as we got older, so did they.
So, while not having any more children symbolizes all of these things for me, we are moving on from those days.
We are moving into our middle years: adventures, laughs, real conversations with our kids, seeing their dreams become reality. I can watch their relationships grow and watch them bond, as more than siblings, but as friends…
As my husband says “Its time to close that chapter of the book.”
While the thought of not being in the baby stage is sad for me, because I do love it so, I am so excited for what is to come. Tonight we went out to dinner and we had a great time (It is getting easier to go out to eat as they get older). Even our toddler was just sitting beside me in the booth, eating her dinner. We all just talked.
I can only imagine how much fun life will be as they continue to grow and we can continue to connect with them in ways that we didn’t realize.
It might not be by singing a lullaby or by tickling their piggy toes… it will be by listening to them, taking an interest in what they are interested in, and learning from them while they learn from us- becoming their friends as they age.
So, I am ready to close that chapter… because if you thought that chapter was good, just you wait…♥
I’d love to invite you to join my free one-on-one time Challenge. I will send you this calendar, along with daily e-mails with tasks, advice, and inspiration so you can have a relationship with your children that you always envisioned.
In the meantime, enjoy the beautiful babies that you have raised… and look forward to your FUN life ahead, filled with joy, love & laughter.
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Trying to read this through my tears was rough. You beautifully expressed how I feel. I only managed to have one baby. After multiple round of fertility treatment, miscarriage after miscarriage, losing a twin at 6 weeks of pregnancy, and the remainder of that incredibly high risk pregnancy, I got my beautiful baby girl. And even then she was an emergency c-section about a month early. We held on to hope for the last 5 years, but problems with my uterus make another child impossible. I have just been told my options are to keep Mirena in or have an ablation. Despite the difficulty in having my daughter, my heart breaks at not having the opportunity again.
What a touching post! We started very late with children because we had tried for years and we finally gave up and just accepted that we’d live our life without that chapter. Of course, that’s when I got pregnant. Three years later we got pregnant again with our second. By then we knew we were too old for more and to be honest, we felt so incredible lucky to have finally had two, that I never felt those pangs. However, I completely understand your feelings and I agree that there is nothing in this world sweeter than having a little baby in your arms.
That being said, I’ve found that the older my two girls get (now 4 & 8), the more fun we’re able to have together! Plus, I don’t mind the extra sleep that I get now…LOL!
🙂 Yes!! hahaha!
My baby is 7 months and becoming VERY mobile! My worst fear is him finding some random object (courtesy of my 3 year old) and choke on it Way cool some valid points! I am grateful for you making this post on hand; the rest of this website is also first-class. Have a great fun.
I really needed this article. Thank you! It made me cry because it is exactly everything I am feeling right now. I just delivered our 4th baby and it has hit me hard (darn hormones!) that this will be my last baby.
I’m trying to focus on the future watching them grow but it definitely isnt easy
You are so welcome. 🙂
Thank you! This is exactly what I needed today. My baby (number 6) just turned 2, and I’ve been mourning the loss of babyhood.
Very sweet read 🙂 I am pregnant with my 4th now and realizing that I want this to be my last one has been hard. It’s been hard on my husband too. I have had amazing pregnancies but I realized at the beach this summer, that I can’t do al the things I want to do with my kids while I’m pregnant (ages 7, 5, and almost 2). I can’t surf with them, play softball, run around like normal and that’s when I realized, I’m missing out on activities I want to do with my other kids, while I’m pregnant. I don’t want my oldest looking back and saying, “Yea, my mom was pregnant my whole childhood.” I want to participate in their activities not watch them!
Plus we want to adopt sibling sets so that already puts us at 6!! And yikes!! I don’t want 10!!
It’s been a hard summer coming to this conclusion but I’m glad I did while I am pregnant b/c I am enjoying and trying to remember every kick, to make it last in my memory forever! 🙂 <3
🙂
We have 10, lol. Different perspectives for each I guess. I don’t find we have missed out on anything with them. 🙂
Beautifully wirtten – straight to the ♡
Its been a while since a write up has made me cry like this one. May GOD always bless your family.
Much love
You guys are ALL just makin me cry more! Lol
Becky I just love reading whatever you write!
I have a 10 year old redhead stepdaughter, a 7 year old son, & a 4 year old daughter (Aubrey who I showed you pics of). I grew up thinking I wanted 4 kids! When I was 8 months pregnant with my son, my stepdaughter came to live with us! So I basically had 2 kids at once! It was so much harder than I thought! Once he was 3 years old I was ready to try for another. I told my husband if it was a boy I would feel like something was still missing & I would want to try one more time for my own little girl. It was a girl so I felt like that was God telling us it’s okay to be done. I felt at peace about it. I still think about maybe just one more, but I hold pregnancies ALL in the belly & then I still look pregnant for years afterwards. It drove me mad going out in public & people asking when I was due! I finally got my stomach back down & do not want to stretch it out again. Plus I still want to be young when my kids become teenagers & when they become adults & give me grand babies. I don’t want to be trying to wrangle toddlers at an older age. I have a brother in law who is 12 & I’ve seen my mother in law struggle terribly with him. I feel like my life is just how I wanted it. If we didn’t have my stepdaughter I would’ve probably wanted more kids & had them closer together. Now I’m just ready to move on. We don’t need anymore diapers, PullUps, cribs, bouncy seats, or excersaucers. We are steering away & I soothe my baby fever by babysitting?
Thank you!!!
This article resonated so much with me. I am in bed googling “I’m devastated I will never experience another pregnancy or birth” because it’s weighing heavily on my heart. I also have 4 beautiful, healthy children (3 girls then a boy!). Yet, I find myself so jealous of pregnant women. Especially those who are having their first babies because the excitement with your first is like nothing else. I was so busy being scared of something going wrong and the pain of childbirth that I didn’t appreciate it. Now it’s gone as my oldest turns 8 this month. The part that I especially identified with was how the exciting time of meeting someone, getting engaged, married, etc. is just over and it was a blink of an eye. And again, I was so busy worrying if never meet someone or have babies (which I also dreamed about as a child) that I didn’t enjoy it. Only in looking back can I see how the births of my children were the best times of my life and I will never have that again. I do appreciate watching my children grow, I’m just in a place of absolute longing. Maybe because my youngest just had his first birthday. Either way I’m waiting to get over this feeling. It is comforting to know I’m not alone.
I know. I think it will always be on our minds. I just told my husband yesterday that I miss the feeling of a baby kicking when I was like 30+ weeks pregnant. 🙂
I had my last 3 children (out of 8) in my 40’s (last one was born one month before I was 48). I have a 20 year span, and if I had made my feelings my ultimate decision-maker, I wouldn’t have had the last 4. Of course it’s scary and tiring! Feelings come and go, and you think you couldn’t possibly do it again, but God does give you the ability, and now it all seems like a blip in time. I disliked being pregnant for sure, and yes it is quite a sacrifice, but I never wanted myelf or my husband to be the ultimate decider about someone’s eternal existence. I mean, I’ve made quite a few unwise decisions over a lifetime, so why did I think I’d necessarily get this one 100% right? I had given my life to the Lord many years ago, and this was just another area to surrender. As always, He is faithful, and all my kids fit the puzzle perfectly, even if I thought another child wouldn’t make a difference to our family, and we could be “done”, etc. Ultimately I guess I’m glad He didn’t listen to me over the years! It has caused me to grow, and I am capable of much more than I thought. Just food for thought, because I was a little alarmed over some of the sentiments here. Thanks for reading.
Hi, very much thank you for your story! It really touched me…I’m still kind of new mum LO 1 year old…And it gets more and more fun…But u are right everything goes so fast in almost blink of an eye, baby walks and talks…
Anne
Beautifully written. This post hits me square in the heart. I have 2 wonderful children, a 4 year old girl and 2 year old boy. (And one angel baby!) I always wanted to have another child to have 3 kids, but I was recently diagnosed with Adenomyosis, as well as uterine fibroids and endometriosis. So the chance of me getting pregnant is very small and if I were to be pregnant it could potentially be life threatening to me and the child. The hardest part of this is realizing that the choice to choose my family size is now not my own. But having the diagnosis tell me instead when I am done having children. I’ve been mourning the loss of the idea of another child and it is tough. Now all the little moments I have with my 2 year old I now realize are the memories I will have with my “baby”. When I thought I would have a chance to go through some of those precious moments again. Its a beautiful thing and yet a hard thing to emotionally process.
Reading your sweet post on the ” last time” you’d feel those tiny baby fingers, gave me such pause. Just wait, sweet girl….there are more days and moments ahead…more “last times” to come. The last homehigh school game, the last night they sleep in your house, the last hug before he walks down the aisle or gets on the plane to deploy. There is this magic inside all mothers that lingers forever ! It never leaves you. You never will sleep as sound because every creek in the floor means someone just came home. You know that it will end…but when it does, you are never ready! Enjoy the beach, every grain of sand, every laugh, hug, giggle, and even those rolled eyes ! The days are long but theyears are so quickly fleeting by.
Our society today puts all the emphasis on “me” or “individual happiness” families no longer linger and stay close. That’s so sad. Love your parents …for as you grow and enjoy the exciting adventures of life, they often sit alone wondering why there is now no time for them. The “last time” you see your parent will no doubt will bring with it that similar feeling of lastness . Once they are gone, there is no one on the earth that has truly known you …the real you, for your entire lifetime….that is a sobering realization.
Beautiful post…enjoy those babies and call your mom!
I had the same feeling as you. I yearn for the feeling. That is why i had a third child. But it turns out that he had some neuro condition at birth which was not detected and it causes severe developmental delays. I am so upset and worried. It is not worth to take the risk of having another baby so as to get the feeling..and it defintely closes my chapter of having a baby.
I love this post. I can relate…just had my 3rd baby. She is 2.5 months and I wonder if we’re done. 4 kids just seems like so much to handle. It’s such a hard decision.