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I have been thinking about this a lot and wanted to share it with you… that moment when you realize that you are done having babies and you are closing that chapter.
UPDATE: This post was originally written several years ago, but it was on my heart to share it again, so here it is again… WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU’RE DONE HAVING BABIES…
Last night, while we were out to eat with our four kids, I looked over at the booth across the room from our table. I saw a mom with her two teenage daughters. I saw them laughing together, and I saw the girls interacting with each other, making faces that only the other one would understand.
I leaned in and whispered to my husband… “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a sister for Allie? “
The look that he gave back to me told me his answer (I had five very high-risk pregnancies, one ending in a loss~ read that story here).
(This was us in 2012… finding out that she was a girl.)
I am slowly learning that although he has always agreed to four children and I always knew that this was our “magic number,”… you know, the one that we both agree on? I still had that little thought in my mind… what about one more?
I think that coming to terms with the fact that you are done having babies is hard, whether this is after you have had one baby or 18 babies… realizing that this is your LAST baby is something to stop you, to make you think, to make you appreciate and miss what you had and have.
The last time that you felt that first flutter in your belly- the one that felt like tiny butterfly wings on the wall of your uterus.
The last time that I ran to the bathroom after my husband burnt something in the kitchen because my pregnancy hormones were not letting me handle any smells out of the norm.
The last time that our sons would put their hands on my belly and wait for their sibling to kick it away.
The last time that I watched my stomach move while our baby changed positions.
The last time that our baby, in my belly, would kick my husband’s back while I slept during the night (our babies were always so active at night).
The last time I would be rushed to the hospital was in the middle of the night.
The last time that I would be told to push or that I would say, “I can do this without pain medication,” only to cry halfway through, telling my husband that it was such terrible pain and asking, “Why did I wait so long to ask for an epidural?”
The last time that I would hold a brand new baby while they got used to being OUTSIDE of the womb…
The last time that I would bring a new baby home, visitors would tell me that he/she was “the tiniest baby I ever held” (our babies were small- 5 lbs., 4 lbs., 7 lbs., and 6 lbs.)
The last time that I would nurse a baby, while rubbing that soft baby head with what felt like duck fuzz instead of hair, and listen to their little breath and grunt as they swallowed each sip of milk (that tiny, unintended smile that they have when they are falling asleep with a full belly)
Yes, the last baby is a hard chapter to close in the book of life.
I guess what it really means is that we are getting older. Gone are the days when we spent a lifetime dreaming of these things… engagements, weddings, pregnancy, and birth. From the time that I was in elementary school, I can remember pretending to be pregnant (Pillow under my shirt). You spend so many years dreaming of those days… and they come and go so quickly!
Getting older for me means getting older for everyone else, too. No more first steps, or first hugs, or first kisses. I won’t watch a baby cringe the first time that I place them in the funny-feeling sand~ at the same place where I first met the beach.
Or, on that same day, discover how much fun it can be to play in the sand and look out at the ocean.
I won’t swing them over the ocean when they are tiny enough to let me lift them high enough to let those little toes touch the water barely.
And, my children will not know my maternal Grandparents (the reason that we know & love the beach as we do), because as we got older, so did they.
So, while not having any more children symbolizes all of these things for me, we are moving on from those days.
We are moving into our middle years: adventures, laughs, real conversations with our kids, seeing their dreams become reality. I can watch their relationships grow and watch them bond, as more than siblings, but as friends…
As my husband says “Its time to close that chapter of the book.”
While the thought of not being in the baby stage is sad for me, because I do love it so, I am so excited for what is to come. Tonight we went out to dinner and we had a great time (It is getting easier to go out to eat as they get older). Even our toddler was just sitting beside me in the booth, eating her dinner. We all just talked.
I can only imagine how much fun life will be as they continue to grow and we can continue to connect with them in ways that we didn’t realize.
It might not be by singing a lullaby or by tickling their piggy toes… it will be by listening to them, taking an interest in what they are interested in, and learning from them while they learn from us- becoming their friends as they age.
So, I am ready to close that chapter… because if you thought that chapter was good, just you wait…♥
I’d love to invite you to join my free one-on-one time Challenge. I will send you this calendar, along with daily e-mails with tasks, advice, and inspiration so you can have a relationship with your children that you always envisioned.
In the meantime, enjoy the beautiful babies that you have raised… and look forward to your FUN life ahead, filled with joy, love & laughter.
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My 4th is 16 months and I cherish my time with her. Whenever I tell myself “it’s over”, It just doesn’t sink in. I don’t know if I’m done yet. Your post was beautiful and really reminded me to count my blessings. We’re going through a rough patch in life right now. I came across this, just when I needed it.
I am to be 30 next year with one boy. And expecting our second. This will be my last. Due to health and other reasons. I still have the breast feeding to look forward to. Thank you for the article.
I read this ugly crying. We have 4 and I long for 1 more. It’s becoming clear my husband is done and I am so sad. Thank you for writing this.
You crack me up (ugly crying). I know how you feel.
My last baby is just over a week old. It took so much convincing for her and we are probably on the old sims to realistically have a fourth that I have to close this chapter too. I am in just a puddle of tears. I don’t know how to accept this. Why is it so painful.
Oh my word!! This hit me hard!! I’m 34, I have 2 daughters, 16 and 10.. Both was unplanned, So we have just been going throughout life thinking maybe another will come along or maybe not, letting it be in gods hands. The last year or two we’ve really been thinking about it.. We are young parents but I’m pretty sure we are done.. Just thinking my oldest will be graduating high school soon and my youngest will be starting middle school. I couldn’t imagine starting over now, but then I think about everything you said and think about no more elementary school fun stuff, no more trick or treating, the excitement of Santa and so on.. It makes it even harder knowing I’ve been a stay at home mom(other than doing small odd jobs here and there) for the last 13 years and I’ve been beyond blessed for that.. but I don’t know what I’m going to do with life now.. But I know I’m done, I just know it.. And although it hurts not having anymore of them moments, I do believe I’m ready.. I’m excited to see what the future holds, I’m excited to see if my 16 year old daughter becomes the doctor that’s she’s been telling us she wants to be since she was 2. I’m excited for my 10 year old to become a teenager and see what she gets into.. I’m excited to see what me and my husband decided to do after the kids leave(even though I’ll be heartbroken lol).. Im just excited to see what this new chapter of life is like..
Becky, your blog was very heartfelt. You describe it perfectly. As a mother of 2 who was diagnosed with an unknown inherited heart condition after my first child (Long QT) and someone who struggled to work with accepting OBs that I was pregnant with 1 more, I have more than the common appreciation for the way my life worked out. There is so much focus on “magic numbers”. It truly is a blessing to have 2 healthy children and NOT continue to focus on what I don’t have.
Quality of life also matters. How much will you be able to provide to 5+ children without feelings of deprivation when they are older? As cold as it is, economics needs to factor in here too, folks. Hence why many of the men here are saying “no”.
I can’t tell you how thankful I am to you for writing this. As I sit here nursing our 5 month old daughter (baby number 4) I am crying as I acknowledge the fact that this is the last time I’ll have a newborn. I’m grieving over that, but I know it’s the right choice for us. Reading this has helped me see that it’s okay to grieve and be sad….but you’ve also given me a new excitement for what’s ahead, and I can’t thank you enough.
We have three girls and had a miscarriage with our first boy which would of made 3 kids. We tried again had a girl. So total of kids 3 girls. Husband got surgery when baby was 3 months old. I cried the whole time in the operating waiting area. 3 years later I want to try for #4. My husband is on board! BUT we keep going back and forth more like me. I also have Hashimoto’s and high blood pressure due to Hashimoto I am 31. IF we do have another one by the time he or she is 18 I will be 49 instead of 41 with the youngest I have currently. Every time the topic comes up I cry help with advice on what to do. Why can’t I decide it’s either now or close the chapter for good it’s scary so scary…
Awww I’m sorry about your miscarriage… It’s a hard decision, FOR SURE. I think that having another isn’t absolutely necessary… but having more kids is never a mistake! When you know you are done, you know. But there’s nothing like the love a baby brings <3
It’s good to know I am not alone in this feeling. I have been pregnant 4 times and have two beautiful daughters here and two in heaven. Our first daughter was stillborn on her due date and our last pregnancy was our son which was a 12 week miscarriage. My heart aches for both these babies. And I know even though we are done that I will always want more. It’s hard to feel that we didn’t get to choose how many. With my first I almost died so by husband doesn’t want to take that risk again. And our last was a surprise that filled me with so much hope that I would get our “magic number” of raising 3 on earth. But God has other plans and it’s hard to give up our own.