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STOP DOING THAT FOR YOUR KIDS: I wrote this a few years ago, but I was reading it today and wanted to share it again. It is always a good reminder. ENJOY…
We want to do so much for our kids, but today I want to tell you to STOP doing that for your kids because you are doing more harm than good… honestly!
No matter how many children we have: one or ten, we need to know when we are doing too much for them. We need to empower our kids to be independent when they can be, so they will grow up to be responsible adults.
Yes, I do things for them.♥ I’m happy to, in fact. I get their shoes when they are running late, I make their breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks every day. I do things just because I love them and I want them to know that. I want them to know that I am their mom and for that reason alone, I will always be there to help them and do kind things for them. However… I also want them to know how to be responsible for themselves.
It is a fine line and it is a HARD line to walk. When do you do it for them and when do you stop doing that for your kids?
A few weeks ago, our son had some friends over… less than a handful of his closest friends. We went out to eat and then we came back home and had their snack at our house (it was a little birthday gift for our son). That night, my eyes were opened. The kids ate dinner and had a ball! They came home and ate their snack like they had never eaten dinner (haha!)
Then it happened.
You see, one of his friends that came that night comes from a different background than our kids. He comes from a house with MANY children and a single mom raising them all on her own. This friend doesn’t have all of the luxuries that our kids are used to.
His mom worked many jobs and when she is home, she is taking care of more than ten children on her own. She doesn’t have the time to cater to their every need, honestly. She isn’t able to clean up after them or fold all of their clothes. She isn’t able to give him everything that he asks for (monetary & attention), because she is providing for many other children and working several jobs when she is not at home.
Something happened that made me open my eyes.
I said “Hey, guys, when you are done with your snacks, just leave your plates on the table and I’ll get it. You can go play before you have to go home.” Now, I have taught our kids to clean up after themselves, but if they forget, I remind them.
If they forget, I even (shhh….) clean up after them, at times. If they forget, I help. So, back to the story… I had just finished giving these directions, about leaving their plates on the table, when five kids (including my own children) finished eating, got up and ran back outside. They happily left their plates, forks, cups, and napkins for me to clean up.
Don’t get me wrong- I love these kids because they are all very sweet. They are kind, considerate kids and they were doing what I asked. They all did this, except one… The one little boy that I mentioned earlier. He brought his plate over to the sink and he said to me “Miss Becky? Ma’am? I am used to washing my own things.”
He then walked over to the sink to wash his plate. I stopped him and took over, but in that moment I thought about my own kids and I realized…
I told myself…
When you take over for our kids, because they are young and it is EASIER…
you are doing more harm than good.
When you clean up their rooms for them because they are young and it is EASIER… you are doing more harm than good.
When you let their manners slip this one time, because they are young and it is EASIER… you are doing more harm than good.
When you make their beds for them, because they are young and it is EASIER… you are doing more harm than good.
When you let them get away with “Just ok” work, instead of what we know they are capable of, because they are young and it is EASIER… you are doing more harm than good.
Think about the future:
- Do we want them to rely on their college roommates to wash their plates?
- Do we want our sons to become husbands that rely on their wives to clean for them?
- Do we want them to lose their jobs because they are used to someone helping them all of the time, reminding them of their responsibilities, following behind them to tell them what to do next?
- What happens when our children, that didn’t do their best on homework when they were young, become adults that don’t do their best work for their jobs?
We teach our children to do chores. They unload the dishwasher every day. They clear their plates after dinner and put them in the dishwasher. They make their beds (well, some of our kids do) in the morning, normally after I have reminded them. They put away their clothes, after I wash them, fold them and take them to their rooms. They have real chores, from the chore basket.
I can’t say that they don’t do them, because they do…. However, there are many times when I just do these things for them, because they are young and it is EASIER to just do it for them… but now I realize that and I am doing more harm than good.
Are you? I also have a post about Raising Responsible Adults (I often re-read my own posts as little reminders to myself)… I read it tonight.
Here is a sneak peek: THE ONE RULE FOR RAISING YOUR CHILD TO BE A RESPONSIBLE ADULT IS TO REMEMBER TO let them make mistakes now to prevent them later. Feel empathy for them, not anger. Teach them by showing them through their mistakes.
An example of this: If your kids leave their toys around (and they are old enough to know that they need to be put away), tell them that the next time they leave them out, you will have to take them for a day. Here’s the kicker… YOU ACTUALLY NEED TO DO THIS! Read more of that post here.
What do you think? Do you do find yourself doing things for your kids, like I was, because they are young and it is easier?
PS- More posts you might like are below (Just click on the picture below to be taken to the post)
This list will give your family a place to start together…
Where I come from, kids aretaught to do chores before sports, read and all else. I too am guilty of doing the things they don’t, but I also remember to always find the balance. I think finding the balance in our family is our job as a mother. I have also seen how the kids are capable of doing so much more than what we think because they are still little. If you look at chores as a way of life such as walking instead of looking as if you are giving them something heavy to carry on their shoulders, they’ll master that tasks I effortlessly.
Yes, I completely agree with that.
What are the ages of your children?
9, 7, 5 and 3. 🙂
I understand this completely. I was raised in a home that my mom did about everything, I did learn to clean my room, do my laundry, do my dishes and clean around the house as I grew up. I am now a mom and my daughter is getting older and I have take care of our pets and do some small chores around the house, but I know she can do more though. I sometimes have the feeling that I don’t want her to do certain things because she may break something or whatever. She is almost 10 and I am trying to allow her to do more without fuss. BTW, I love your posts.
Thank you, Lydia!
I actually disagree. Because I choose to let my kids be kids and do things for them that is bad? When they are over the age of 10 maybe they can do more chores, but toddlers and little kids should not have to worry about work and feel guilty for not doing it. Sure, they should pick up toys or put their dishes in the sink. But they have many years to have to take care of themselves. I am sure that me helping put on their jacket and making their beds is not going to ruin them for life.
My very dearest friend doesn’t have her kids do any chores & they are VERY sweet, so I think it really depends on what works best for your family.
I became a single mother when my youngest was 16 months, my 2nd 2&1/2 and my eldest 6&1/2. My eldest daughter had to be a responsible 2nd pair of eyes and hands to me although she was always sensible. My 2nd is full of wonderment and kindness and mothers her little sister they all have to help out but my youngest who’s now 4 is amazing. EVERY MORNING without having to be asked she’s dressed bed made pyjamas folded. She’s so independent and organised. She will empty the dishwasher and then look for dirty dishes to fill it again. I did so much for my eldest and it didn’t do her any favours. I often think it would be quicker and easier to do something especially when the kids are uncooperative but I stop myself they learn how to be independent and organised and confident and appreciative by doing it themselves. The one thing I have done more with the younger ones that I regret not having done as much with my eldest is cuddle them. I never expected to be a single mother but it has been a blessing to me and my kids 🙂
🙂 Sounds like you are doing an amazing job on your own!
I completely agree with this post, but I also think, there is a part of this that is modeling kindness. My kids are highly responsible for their own things, clean their own rooms, pack and unpack their bags and lunchboxes, clear their own plates rinse and wash and so on, but once that habit is formed, and the basic responsibility is there, I dont mind occasionally saying hey hun, I will help you today, or dont worry about your lunchboxes today guys (usually on the last day of the week) its been a long day I know you are tired I will help you out. Because I know they have the habit and would have done it, I show them sometimes we can also be kind and help each other out. In turn they will do this for me, I have had my eldest (11) take over my folding because you have had a long day mum, and my little ones (twins age 6) will do nice things for me too. I completely agree with you, but I think in the situation you started on, knowing your son was having fun with his mates, knowing he would usually take responsibility, that showing kindness is not doing more harm than good…. just my two cents 🙂
SOOO true! I struggled with that for a while, but now I help them if they ask for help or if they seem to be grateful for it. 🙂 I completely agree with you.
Thank you so much for this! I found you via Pinterest. So validating to hear. I have four kids ages 8,6,3,9months and it gets hard and busy teaching kids to work and expecting them to do what they are capable. I am guilty of doing things for them this week because I am getting so tired of asking them to do things they already know they should do. Thank you for sharing your experiences so I know I am not alone in this battle of raising future husbands and wives.
Thanks, Lydia.
ps- Our kids are pretty close in age! (9, 7, 5, 3)
Fantastic post! You make me think about my kid. I am going to stop cleaning after him, too. He is 14-years-old. In my opinion it is final time to explain him that he is responsible for these things. Thank you for sharing your post! Greetings!
I raised my four that nothing was free. They had to earn what ever it was they wanted not just monetary things either it could have been going to a friends house or one coming to ours. They had chores and if they neglected them or I had to remind them several times then they loose things and privileges. Or had extra chores to do. When they were old enough for their own car they had to obtain a job to keep the ins paid and upkeep on it. If they failed to so that then I repoed the car. And now they are all grown with their own families and are very responsible adults who are raising their children the same way they were. So I guess I did something right. ?
That’s wonderful!!
My kids are 2 and 4… my husband and I are in two different boats with this! He likes to get things done himself because it’s faster. I like to push them to do all/part of a chore because I think the long term pay off is worth it. It’s a lot of work to supervise and educate them at this age, but it’s so helpful and they’re such helpful boys now. I really appreciate it all.
I don’t completely agree. My kiddo is up and out and he didn’t do much at home, but is fully capable of doing everything that needs doing now that he’s an adult. They figure it out.
Great article. I’m not sure if my husband makes me a cup of tea occasionally will stop me ever making my own cuppa though…. Or if I hang out a friends washing for her, she won’t do her own anymore. I want my children to be empathic and observant and kind. As well as clean up after themselves and others when appropriate. I broke my thumb earlier this year and my kids were awesome helping me out. If I’m genuinely happy to clean up after them sometimes (and they after me sometimes too) that’s okay. I am okay in joyfully cleaning up so they can play with friends….
I could not agree more. We help them and expect them to help us (per the article). We also have a reward system in place (if they are caught doing something nice for someone else, they are rewarded).
I am that mother of that child so to speak. I have 6 children and I’m widowed with no help. I can only hope my children would behave that way at someone’s house. And I’m pretty sure they would. But I also do for them as often as I can because they are only little once.
I am stunned at how many kids – 4th grade even – do not CUT their own food at a meal. I’ve had kids at my house for dinner who literally stare at me as we all start eating because they’ve never used a knife, and I’ve witnessed friends cut up their 10 year old’s chicken or whatever it may be while everyone else does their own like we all should. Drives me nuts!
Amen! I love this article!
My mom (Grandma) calls it the Dora generation. We’re teaching our children dependency instead of empowering them with responsibilities that are appropriate for their age. It’s really okay to give them chores. It teaches them to be helpers/contributors instead of takers. Starting this habit early sets a clear expectation that everyone in the household contributes to and is accountable for maintaining the health, well-being, and peace of the family unit. We are a team and though we may have different roles and responsibilities, we all have an important part to play.
I find that my children request more opportunities to help out around the house rather than shrinking away from those tasks. Now don’t get me wrong, keeping their room clean is still an issue but it’s their responsibility not mine. They earn privileges for keeping it clean and restrictions when they don’t. The key is consistency.
Loved this article . I had to take a step back and I realized that I am doing way to much for my little ones . When I say too much I mean that they’ve got me trained and they know how to work my weak points. They know if they move extra slow on days with time restraints I’ll take over so we’re not late.