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STOP DOING THAT FOR YOUR KIDS: I wrote this a few years ago, but I was reading it today and wanted to share it again. It is always a good reminder. ENJOY…
We want to do so much for our kids, but today I want to tell you to STOP doing that for your kids because you are doing more harm than good… honestly!
No matter how many children we have: one or ten, we need to know when we are doing too much for them. We need to empower our kids to be independent when they can be, so they will grow up to be responsible adults.
Yes, I do things for them.♥ I’m happy to, in fact. I get their shoes when they are running late, I make their breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks every day. I do things just because I love them and I want them to know that. I want them to know that I am their mom and for that reason alone, I will always be there to help them and do kind things for them. However… I also want them to know how to be responsible for themselves.
It is a fine line and it is a HARD line to walk. When do you do it for them and when do you stop doing that for your kids?
A few weeks ago, our son had some friends over… less than a handful of his closest friends. We went out to eat and then we came back home and had their snack at our house (it was a little birthday gift for our son). That night, my eyes were opened. The kids ate dinner and had a ball! They came home and ate their snack like they had never eaten dinner (haha!)
Then it happened.
You see, one of his friends that came that night comes from a different background than our kids. He comes from a house with MANY children and a single mom raising them all on her own. This friend doesn’t have all of the luxuries that our kids are used to.
His mom worked many jobs and when she is home, she is taking care of more than ten children on her own. She doesn’t have the time to cater to their every need, honestly. She isn’t able to clean up after them or fold all of their clothes. She isn’t able to give him everything that he asks for (monetary & attention), because she is providing for many other children and working several jobs when she is not at home.
Something happened that made me open my eyes.
I said “Hey, guys, when you are done with your snacks, just leave your plates on the table and I’ll get it. You can go play before you have to go home.” Now, I have taught our kids to clean up after themselves, but if they forget, I remind them.
If they forget, I even (shhh….) clean up after them, at times. If they forget, I help. So, back to the story… I had just finished giving these directions, about leaving their plates on the table, when five kids (including my own children) finished eating, got up and ran back outside. They happily left their plates, forks, cups, and napkins for me to clean up.
Don’t get me wrong- I love these kids because they are all very sweet. They are kind, considerate kids and they were doing what I asked. They all did this, except one… The one little boy that I mentioned earlier. He brought his plate over to the sink and he said to me “Miss Becky? Ma’am? I am used to washing my own things.”
He then walked over to the sink to wash his plate. I stopped him and took over, but in that moment I thought about my own kids and I realized…
I told myself…
When you take over for our kids, because they are young and it is EASIER…
you are doing more harm than good.
When you clean up their rooms for them because they are young and it is EASIER… you are doing more harm than good.
When you let their manners slip this one time, because they are young and it is EASIER… you are doing more harm than good.
When you make their beds for them, because they are young and it is EASIER… you are doing more harm than good.
When you let them get away with “Just ok” work, instead of what we know they are capable of, because they are young and it is EASIER… you are doing more harm than good.
Think about the future:
- Do we want them to rely on their college roommates to wash their plates?
- Do we want our sons to become husbands that rely on their wives to clean for them?
- Do we want them to lose their jobs because they are used to someone helping them all of the time, reminding them of their responsibilities, following behind them to tell them what to do next?
- What happens when our children, that didn’t do their best on homework when they were young, become adults that don’t do their best work for their jobs?
We teach our children to do chores. They unload the dishwasher every day. They clear their plates after dinner and put them in the dishwasher. They make their beds (well, some of our kids do) in the morning, normally after I have reminded them. They put away their clothes, after I wash them, fold them and take them to their rooms. They have real chores, from the chore basket.
I can’t say that they don’t do them, because they do…. However, there are many times when I just do these things for them, because they are young and it is EASIER to just do it for them… but now I realize that and I am doing more harm than good.
Are you? I also have a post about Raising Responsible Adults (I often re-read my own posts as little reminders to myself)… I read it tonight.
Here is a sneak peek: THE ONE RULE FOR RAISING YOUR CHILD TO BE A RESPONSIBLE ADULT IS TO REMEMBER TO let them make mistakes now to prevent them later. Feel empathy for them, not anger. Teach them by showing them through their mistakes.
An example of this: If your kids leave their toys around (and they are old enough to know that they need to be put away), tell them that the next time they leave them out, you will have to take them for a day. Here’s the kicker… YOU ACTUALLY NEED TO DO THIS! Read more of that post here.
What do you think? Do you do find yourself doing things for your kids, like I was, because they are young and it is easier?
PS- More posts you might like are below (Just click on the picture below to be taken to the post)
This list will give your family a place to start together…
Advantages of larger families…. (and smaller ones that understand the many concepts involved)….. the children learn to help, they learn to share, they learn to provide a few things for themselves, and they know that No one… is going to do everything for them. Yes, our job as parents is to raise children who can then take care of themselves and a family. We cannot allow them to be dependent the whole time they are growing up, or they are dependent as adults. Let them learn, encourage them, and provide opportunities for them. They need to be trying to accomplish more than getting someone else to do everything for them.
Children who do not learn to do for themselves often become adults that steal from others. Do your children, their children, yourself and society a favor…..Require them to work and require them to learn while they are young. Let them feel that self esteem from accomplishment that encourages more results. A nation of free loaders … wont survive.
words of wisdom…
i have adult children who cannot do for themselves or even think for themselves sometimes because I as third mother did it all for them. They are all in their twenties and still live at home. You are very right in this post. Don’t make my mistakes undoing the damage is near impossible
Great post. My husband is a bit of a perfectionist and has avoided asking his daughter to do certain chores because he wants them done right. I think it’s better to have the learning experience. Fortunately, she is now 18 and is a wonderful young lady who always asks “what can I do to help?” She even comes home from college and does her own wash, she doesn’t just throw it in the laundry room for us to do.
I love this! My 1 year old already helps me move laundry from the washer to dryer and from the dryer to a basket. She does it mostly to keep her happy while I get chores done, but this will be great to keep in mind as she gets older!
That’s so great that you have her helping so young. I love how proud of themselves they are at that age!
I find that I have to remind my son day after day to do the same things. He is a smart kid–8 years old–my husband says he uses his brain cells for more important things than remembering to put his dishes in the dishwasher, for example. Any tips on how to get him to remember simple things like that from one day to the next? Also–what do you do when you see things they should have done but they’re already in bed or something (like his dishes are in the sink, but I need to run the dishwasher overnight)? I love your tips and advice–the post about keeping your child in their bed at night is spot on (totally worked for us, too).
I leave it for the morning. Its a pain to see it sitting out when I wake up, but I want them to learn to do things themselves. 🙂
So last night our son left his snack plate out on the table and went to bed. I saw it right after he went upstairs, but didn’t want to tell him to come back down or it would take another 15 minutes to get him back up (he is 8, too). So I tucked him in and then after he was asleep, I just left him a note in his room “Good morning, Jack! I can’t wait to see you this morning! Before you wake me up, please go downstairs and put your plate away from last night… you must have forgotten. Thanks! I love you! XOXO Mom”
(I try to be really cheery because I want him to have a good morning and its the first thing he will read today.)
PS – he wakes me up at 7:00 every morning. I seriously think he has some sort of crazy internal alarm! hahaha!! That doesn’t come from me- I could have slept the day away when I was his age!
I have a 3 year old daughter and I am guilty of doing it all myself because it’s easier. Lately, I’ve noticed that she has become super lazy in areas that she used to be great in. Ex: putting on her own shoes, making her bed, even going to the bathroom. But because I do them or remind her all the time she has just decided to become dependent on me for these things and reminders. It has been really frustrating for me (especially with her wetting her pants so much). I needed this article more than you know! Thank you for sharing.
Yes! That’s when we knew that we needed to kick it up again- when we started noticing them getting lazy. I think that I go through spurts where I really want them to help & then when its just easier to do this ourselves… this article is a reminder to myself, as well. 🙂
Brilliant post! Thank you for sharing and I’ll be more aware now of the extra things my 4yo and 2yo could be doing for themselves! 🙂
🙂 thanks!
Just this morning I mentioned to my husband that sometimes I need to remind myself that it’s important for the children to do their work on their own, cause I can so easily get caught up in the fact that I can do it better and faster. It’s really hard sometimes to sit back and let them take 15 minutes to pick up the dozen or so toys on the floor, knowing that I could have it done in no time. However, (and that’s a huge however!) they will never learn to do it better or faster if they never have the opportunity to learn. And, they will never step up to be responsible and helpful if I discourage the helping now because I can do it faster and better.
*sigh. So much conviction in this mommy business! Just when I think I’ve got this, something happens to remind me that I need to grow and learn too. Thank you for this post! It’s a great reminder!
haha!! So true… but you already knew that you wanted to do it before you read this, so good for you!!
Great article. I still brush my son’s hair. He’s ten and almost as tall as I am. So yeah guilty. I always say once he cares he will brush it on his own but I guess I need to stop before then huh? But I know what you mean really. His room is the guest bedroom when my parents come to visit. So I have to get in there and do a real cleaning (because it’s easier). There is definitely more he can do and I do see that has it made. I also kind of think in the past – my brother had it made too because I did a lot for him. So I’m repeating history. P.S. My brother is a wonderful man – not a great housekeeper.
LOL! 🙂 thanks for sharing – it is hard to stand by & watch them when it takes 3 times as long & isn’t quite up to our standards, but I guess these are all teachable moments. 🙂
Great post, Becky. This is something that is so heart-centred for me as I see so many children enter kindergarten with no sense of how to take care of themselves – and no confidence that they can!
Me, too. I loved seeing them beam with pride when they knew that they could handle things on their own.
I LOVE this post. I was diagnosed almost 10 years ago with a debilitating disease. My young boys had to learn to cook and clean and take care of the house because I was constantly having spinal taps, other procedures, and surgeries. I felt so guilty! My husband was working 50+ hrs a week and trying his best to keep up on everything around the house as well as work. Finally, a very dear, older mom told me that I needed to prioritize and teach my boys these things. I told her that I was the mom/wife and it was my job to do it all. But, my husband and I decided to start teaching them “just in case”. That conversation is itself is not one I would wish on anyone. However, my 8 and 6 yo sons began to learn how to do laundry, take care of cleaning, how to meal plan, shop for groceries, and cook meals. They became quite good. My youngest son just turned 16 and he still enjoys cooking and baking. The girls at our church began making comments about how different my sons were. Some of them also started saying that they hoped to find a guy “just like one of your sons”. Now that my sons are older, they are thankful for what they were taught. My oldest is in college and I don’t have to worry about if he can make it on his own. He said he is actually helping some of the girls cook in the community kitchen because they were never taught at home. So I say, teach your kids to do all of these things! It will only make them better adults!
That’s such an inspirational story!
What an amazing story! My daughter, just 5 years old, was diagnosed with leukemia at the age of 3. Even with her cancer she has never given up on her chores. She says, “momma, I can do it, I’m a big girl”. Stay strong!! Great article Becky 🙂 xo
This article is spot on. I did way too much for my daughters as they were growing up. After reading “The Love Languages”, I understand why I did this – my love language is service – nevertheless, it did not help my daughters grow up the best in the area of cleaning. Find other ways to demonstrate your love for your young jewels. Let them be more responsible, more accountable, more of a participant. Grateful to our Father that even with my mistaken idea of parenting, my girls have strengths in other areas:). Great article!
🙂 Thank you! I LOVE the 5 Love Languages! Completely agree with your comments!
I love this article. I hear parents all the time say “I can’t get my teenager to do anything around the house”. Most of the time the teenager has a phone, maybe their own vehicle, and is allowed to go out with friends on the weekend. They are not forcing them to be responsible and earn their privileges. I started young teaching mine. My kids are not perfect and still have to be reminded to do things at times, but overall they do as they are asked. My daughter is 8 and can do laundry. I don’t make her hang up clothes because she still sometimes has trouble with the hangers and she can’t reach to hang them either. She is responsible for putting away her own clothes though. My daughter can also wash dishes (she is still learning though). I am also teaching her to cook. She helps sweep and clean the bathroom sinks. She is also responsible for cleaning out the litter box and giving the cats food and water. My boys are 16 and can do a lot. They wash dishes, sweep, mop, clean bathrooms, etc. We also homeschool so honestly I depend on my kids’ help since there are 4 of us here all day long. I tell them all the time, that one day they will thank us for making them do things around the house. 🙂
That’s awesome! They will thank you in the long run!
Hi! My son is 21 months, I read that I can start to show him to put all his things where he took. I find it very difficult, sometimes he listens me, but mostly I do it for him. Before having him, I always thought that it is easy to teach them to be like this little child from you post, but now I find it more difficult. I hope to have more pacience in the future. Love your post!
Thank you. 21 months is a great age to start learning! 🙂 great job!
I’m so glad I read this- my daughter is only 10.5 months old but I already find myself in that mindset and I can’t imagine that it’s an easy habit to break. This is a good reminder for things to come!
🙂 Yes- good to keep in mind for the future.