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Today I want to talk about how to keep your child in their own bed. Let me first take a minute to explain that your child will be healthier, do better in school, be more pleasant throughout the day, and just feel better overall, if they are getting enough sleep (no matter where that may be: your bed, their bed or somewhere else).
Now, we do not co-sleep (well- if the kids aren’t feeling well, if they are running a fever, or if there is a thunderstorm, they do sleep in our rooms), but for the most part, we don’t co-sleep because I am a huge worrier!
I am up all night worrying about if they are breathing or if a pillow is on their face or if they are sleeping all night or waking up. If I have to sneeze or cough- forget about it… I will just hold it because I don’t want to risk waking them.
All in all, I just don’t relax when they are in our bed. My husband won’t sleep, either, because he worries about rolling on top of them. I know that those things probably will never happen, but I just worry so much, so we all sleep better when they are in their bed and we are in our bed.
With that being said, I try to remember “Different Strokes for Different Folks”, so whatever works for your family is what works. Period!
So- let’s get back to keeping your child in their own bed. I’m not saying that my kids always sleep through the night, just that it is better for their development when they do. Trust me; my kids have all woken up for weeks or months at a time at some point during their young lives. I just do my best to get them back onto their natural sleep patterns to help them be the healthiest and happiest that they can be!
Here are the reasons that I want my child to STAY IN HIS/HER BED AT NIGHT:
- I am uncomfortable knowing that our sons or daughter would be walking around when I am asleep. I just can’t have this. What if they fell down the stairs? What if they got themselves a drink and aspirated without me knowing? What if they got into something dangerous (we keep the house child-proofed, but you just never know)? For these reasons, we have a rule that they must stay in their beds until 7:00 am .
- Kids need 10-12 hours of sleep a night. Younger toddlers and babies need even more. This is why we put our kids to bed at 7:00.
- Well-rested kids = happier kids. Well-rested kids = kids that can focus better. It just works for us.
- I don’t want to be ‘tucking them in’ five times a night. I have already had time lying down with each one of them, and they need to go to bed.
A quick background on our family. Our older two boys always stay in bed (they are six and eight).I don’t know what we did differently, but they never attempted to come out of bed. The two younger ones are still in the learning process (2 and 4).
I love the cuddle time with each one of our kids. This is why when they say “Mommy, will you lay with me?” I always say YES! However, laying with them and having them coming into my room and bed at all hours of the night are two totally different things.
“Why Is My Child Coming Out Of Bed and How Do I Stop It?”
I get this question a lot, so let me offer the advice that worked for us.
(PS- BEFORE YOU START, MAKE SURE THAT YOUR CHILD ISN’T SICK, THIRSTY, OR HAS TO USE THE BATHROOM).
The very first time that they come out of their bed, correct them.
My story: When our daughter moved to a toddler bed, I watched her on her video monitor.
The second that I saw her climbing out of her bed, I ran in and said “No, Ma’am. Back into bed, please. ” I told her “If you need Mommy, you say ‘MOMMY!’ and I will come in. You DO NOT get out of your bed. I will be scared if I know that you aren’t safe in your bed. Do you understand? ”
She answered with an “Uh-hum.” She then started to cry, knowing that she didn’t make the right choice and she put her hands over her eyes (this is what she does when she is upset). She didn’t come out of her bed again, until several months later.
Fast forward- Several months later, she made her second attempt. She is still only two, and I am not comfortable with her walking around without me knowing because it isn’t safe, so when I saw her, I put her back into her bed and said the same thing. She immediately climbed back out. This is where the ‘real teaching’ comes into play.
Let me tell you how it worked with our son (because it explains why we did this again with our daughter) I saw this method on Super Nanny, and I have had to do this with our third son when he was two years old. It works. I promise you. It is ALL ABOUT CONSISTENCY.
After you have verbally corrected them once, from then on, take them by the hand and firmly, but GENTLY place them back into their beds. Do not lose your temper. I did this with our son (when he was two years old) over 100 times!
Now, I know that number sounds outrageous, but on the show, SuperNanny, some parents did it hundreds of times (like 300+).
It works. It really does. (Remember- bad habits can take up to three days to break, so give it three days!)
It just works.
Extreme or not.
I was not mean.
I didn’t use force.
I did not yell.
I was not angry.
I show consistency.
How To Get A Child To Stay In Their Bed? (The exact steps)
Let me give you an example of one of our sons. I sat outside his door and waited for him to come out again, and again, and again.
It took one night of putting him back to bed over and over and over and over until he stopped coming out.
By night #2, it happened about 10 times.
By night #3- zero times.
It has been several years, and he has not come out of his bed unless he has been sick or scared or had to use the bathroom. If he needs us, he calls for us, but that is not often. After we read with him, give him a sip of water, lie down with him, and sing his goodnight songs, he goes to sleep.
RELATED–>> We also do this trick to help him sleep all night long (if your child wakes up in the middle of the night, this tip is a game-changer! It can help your child sleep all night long!)
You can read about it by clicking on this picture:
So, back to our two-year-old daughter: I did this with our daughter a few weeks ago (the two-year-old) but it only took four times of putting her back into her bed before she figured out that this was not going to work. The promise to leave her door open like her brothers helped, too. Haha!
Other tricks to try:
- Leave the door open
- Leave on a night light
- Skip nap time, but put them to bed sooner (a tired child sleeps well. An over-tired child is restless).
- Use a sticker chart
- Get this noise machine projector (our niece loves this- she is three)
- Or you could get this clock that changes color when they can wake up!
- Remember that this will be hard and tiring, but if you want your child to stay in their own bed, this will hopefully help you to accomplish that. In the end, you need to do what works for you and your family. No matter what you read or hear, make it work for your family.
FOR OUR OLDER KIDS:
Our older kids (born in ’06 and ’08) were coming out of their beds for a drink, a tissue, to say goodnight to the dog again, etc… (it was lasting over an hour some nights!) and we finally said that if they come out when they don’t need anything, we would have to give them an extra “not fun” chore. They could come out & help themselves (use the bathroom, etc…) but to come to get us to tuck them back in for the 9th time in an hour was just too much. It was getting OUT OF CONTROL. This stopped it after day 2 of the chores.
PS- here are the affiliate links to the products that I mentioned:
I hope that helped! Remember, don’t let the rules for bedtime interfere with your child’s need for a good snuggle now & then. ♥ Read this one when you have a second:
Need More Advice?
Try These:
1. Join my FREE sleep course (sent via email)
2. Why our kids are in bed by 7:00
3. Mommy, will you lay with me?
My two year old got transitioned to a toddle bed sooner than I expected because I was put on bed rest and absolutely could not pick him up. We’ve been at it for 6 weeks! Night after night I walked him back to bed, 10, 20, 30 times. I sat in front of his door and walked him back 60 times one night!! The only thing that has kind of worked is if I sit in front of his door with it open a little and he knows I’m there. If he goes to get up, I say lie down and he does. Takes about half an hour and he eventually falls asleep. I’m tired, very pregnant, and my son is exhausted too! Note: he’s had the same bedtime routine since he was 7 weeks old and used to sleep 13 hours a night, no questions asked, until we transitioned.
I wish that I had more advice, but check out what the previous comment states. It explained the reasoning behind it. Are you interacting during that time? Could your husband take over? (That makes a big difference in our house- having another parent take over).
Thanks! I know, I have no idea why he has gotten so willful and difficult, it’s entirely out of character for him! When I walk him to bed I barely even make eye contact. Hubby on the other hand is not so good at not communicating, which was why I took this on. my son was actually laughing and trying to clap his hands to get my attention! This has been a true test of willpower!
Oh my gosh- that makes me laugh (funny on my side, but not when you are the mom watching him try to clap to get your attention!) lol.
Well I’m praying for you to get some rest!
great tip! Before I decided to stay home with our daughter, I was a behavioral therapist for kids with special needs. It’s amazing how those skills (very similar techniques as Super Nanny) play a role in typical everyday parenting but most parents just don’t get the big picture. It’s so tempting to give up, but when it’s he hardest, it’s actually called an “extinction burst” which basically means it’s going to get worse before it gets better. This is why hundreds of times might be necessary before the storm subsides. Kids. They are such a trip!
Oh you’re kidding! I am a play therapist, so I do behavior therapy quite a bit.
Ps- I say that with potty training two. Day two is always worse than day one! 🙂
Thank you for the Tips! I am a single mother struggling to get my 2 yr old to sleep in her own bed. She was extremely sick as a child which led to cosleeping and as a healthy two year old she’s refusing to sleepin in her own bed. These will hopefully help!!
Yes- being sick does throw a wrench into the bedtime routine, doesn’t it?!
Any thoughts or tips for a non verbal child? Cognitively fine just non verbal so she wouldn’t be able to call for me! I do have a video monitor
Can she understand you? Many times just because they aren’t speaking doesn’t mean that they don’t fully comprehend what you are saying.
So, we are way past this stage. We took our oldest to college a month ago, but we had such great success with this issue with our boys that hearing young parents talk about it always peaks my interest. We did not practice co-sleeping in our house. We once had one of our kids sleep in our bed as a newborn and I awoke in the middle of the night to find the sheet covering his head. He was fine, but I was not. From then on they slept in their own beds/cribs. The trick that seemed to work for us was that from the time they were able to climb down from our bed, when we would bring them in in the morning, we made them ask permission before they could climb down. “Permission” was just one word—please. By the time they could physically manage climbing down from the bed, they understood and could sort of say the word please. My friends thought I was crazy and over the top. But it worked! They learned quickly and early, before they were out of their cribs, to ask permission to leave the bed.
Oh- I love that idea. I think it’s great!
We’ve been doing the “Super Nanny” with my 19 month to bed for 5 months… Yep. He started climbing out of his crib at 14 months and we ended up just transitioning to a toddler bed early. Some nights it’s just once, but it’s usually 25+ times a night over several hours. Obviously this strategy isn’t working, so any other ideas?
Oh no! I’m really surprised, because usually consistency is key and as long as you aren’t letting him sleep in your bed at all, he should understand that coming to get you won’t get him anywhere. I wish that I had a better answer, but I will ask on my Facebook page for you. 🙂 I’ll ask it now, so check back when you can at http://www.Facebook.com/Yourmodernfamily
Our 3.5 year old has been struggling with sleep for the last 8 months. We have tried everything! Night light, fan, clock that changes color, cutting nap, reward chart…she comes out of her room sometimes for two solid hours and then also several times in the middle of the night. We have no idea what else to do. I’m not so sure the 3 night plan works for every child but willing to try anything at this point. Exhausted parents here:(
It’s like you wrote this just for me. Everything you said is exactly my situation! Especially the worrying while co-sleeping bit for all the same reasons. Im now convinced to give this a go.
My son is 2.5 and gets up 2+ times a night. He has no issue with going to bed or going back to bed. He even has a night light that he loves. But it has been happening for months and I do just take him back to bed like you say but it keeps happening! He was such a great sleeper then started climbing out of his crib and made the switch to big boy bed and it still happens.
We just had a sleep study done on our son and it was sleep apnea. It was keeping him up and waking him up almost every hour (that’s why we took him in). I would check with your pediatrician to make sure that nothing else is going on.
Great article for younger kids who are starting out in toddler beds, but what about an almost 4 year old, who has done so well up until now. All of a sudden he’s feeling very independent and waking up way earlier than normal and going upstairs to help himself to whatever he wants. We discuss that he cannot do that without mommy or daddy for the whole day until bedtime, he acknowledges what we are saying but does it again the next morning. We even have one of those clocks that we have been using for well over a year, he’s done well with it but doesn’t seem to care now. I’m at a loss.
Hi! I read your post and I wanted you to know I am linking to it in my post tomorrow at http://www.momtannica.com We used the same methodology, with different words. I LOVE your message to “find what works” for your family.
Thanks. 🙂
My daughter is 5 goes to school sleeps through the night but won’t sleep in her bed anymore and I don’t know why. why could this be?
Is she scared? Our son went through this, as well.
This is my current issue and I feel it has more to do with swapping between mommy’s house and daddy’s house. Different expectations, different bedtime procedures etc. It’s more a problem at the beginning of my week with her than it is later in my week. But I am going to try using a reward chart and also the “stirring them to alter their sleep pattern” as suggested in the link you provided. Thank you so much!
Hi – i just want to know – what do you use in the line of ‘discipline’ for a 5 year old who is noisy when waking up? My oldest three share a room – aged 7,5,3… – baby (10month old, is in our room, but once she stops nursing at night, will also move into theirs). My kids go to bed between 18:30 and 19:30, and then get up between 06:30 and 7am. I have a night light/alarm clock that goes on at 06:30, so that is when they are allowed to come out of the bedroom. Depending on how much rest they need, they often sleep past when the night light switches on, but also, often enough, they will wake up before the night light goes on. Now the 7 year old stays quiet as a mouse until she is allowed out, no hassles. The 3year old normally just needs a verbal warning IF his 5 year old brother got him all worked up, to settle again. If 5yr old brother is still sleeping, he stays quietly in bed until it is time to get up. My issue is with my 5yr old, who has a bit of a rebellious streak, so he tends to do the exact opposite of what I ask him to (24/7, not just related to bedtime). (let me just add, it wasn’t like this always, the whole thing of the night light etc came as a result of me training them to sleep in later because the 5yr old used to wake up at 04:30!! and the other two not much past 5:30am) My question is this then – when the 5yr old does wake up earlier, and he is rowdy so that he ends up waking up his brother and sister – what can I ‘use’ as tools with which to discipline him? We don’t really watch tv, so to just say he’ll lose tv time if he doesn’t quiet down, doesn’t really work, because we might not even watch tv on that day. This morning I said to him that if he is rowdy and wakes his brother and sister up, he’ll have to stay in bed longer, and it seemed to work today, but it hasn’t worked in the past. So i don’t know whether I was just lucky today, or whether he is starting to ‘grasp’ the concept of what will happen (seeing that I have once or twice kept him in longer for being disobedient). Do you have any suggestions perhaps aside from this? Or is it a good enough disciplinary measure which just has to be applied consistently to see lasting results? 😀
I enjoy reading an article that can make people think.
Also, thanks for allowing for me to comment!