This post may contain affiliate links. Please read our disclosure policy.
In the past week, I’ve read several studies that are scary to me… it’s the scary truth about what’s hurting our kids. We all know that what our kids hear becomes their inner voice, but it’s hard to control what they hear from others, isn’t it?
CNN recently interviewed Dr. Jean Twenge, author of iGen and her interview worried me – because I saw the truth that I would be facing in just a few short years as my oldest son would enter high school and I would be parenting teens and elementary ages kids too. Dr. Twenge started doing research 25 years ago on generational differences, but when 2011 -2012 hit, she saw something that would scare her to the core. This is the year when everyone had video games and those having iPhones went over the 50% mark.
Think about what that really means: it was when people began to have access to the digital world. Social media took off, sending videos & photos increased (along with feelings of being left out). The line that separated our home lives from our school/work & social lives became very blurred.
The results of that showed teen behavior that should scare all of us.
- This was the year that more kids started to say that they felt “sad, hopeless, useless… that they couldn’t do anything right (depression).”
- They had frequent mood swings.
- They felt left-out and lonely.
- The depression rate is rising even faster among millennials (up 47 percent) and adolescents (up 47 percent for boys and up 65 percent for girls. (source: BCBS report)
- Depression Diagnoses of major depression are rising fastest among those under age 35.
- Depression Diagnoses have increased 47% since 2013 among millennials (ages 18–34).”
- A substantial increase in suicide rate.
Before I give you any more info, I want you to look at these graphs of what could be considered negative behaviors and look at how the information correlates to the iPhones being released.
They aren’t hanging out with friends nearly as much.
They aren’t dating as much in their teen years.
More likely to feel lonely in their teen years.
They are getting less sleep.
She goes on to say that we are in the worst mental health crisis in decades. You can get her book, iGen, with my Amazon affiliate link here, to read the rest of her findings.
Why is this happening? Why are kids more depressed because of electronics?
Think about when we were in school – we didn’t know every time that there was a get-together that we weren’t invited to and we didn’t see pictures of each outing, game, or party.
We didn’t care what we looked like when we were hanging out with friends in my teenage years, because we were the only ones that were there- I can remember sitting around with my best friends in our sweatpants, just laughing – I didn’t wear makeup or care if I had my hair fixed just right, because the worry of a phone or camera wasn’t there.
Think about bullies.
When we left school, we left them. If teasing happened, it didn’t happen at home. It didn’t happen so publicly. Everyone couldn’t see it or know what they were teasing other kids about since they weren’t there.
Now, it’s all public knowledge, and our kids’ peer group can join in or watch. It’s horrifying.
I can’t imagine being a tween or teenager now. Although- as the parents of children, we have to believe it, because we have to help our children navigate it. And the parents and teen relationship is much more difficult. It’s hard to be a role model and encourage your teen when you have difficulty relating, and raising teenage boys and girls well has never been important.
According to Victoria Prooday, Occupational Therapist & writer at YourOT.com, “There is a silent tragedy developing right now, in our homes, and it concerns our most precious jewels – our children… Researchers have been releasing alarming statistics on a sharp and steady increase in kids’ mental illness, which is now reaching epidemic proportions:
- 1 in 5 children has mental health problems
- 43% increase in ADHD
- 37% increase in teen depression
- 100% increase in the suicide rate in kids 10-14 years old“
She goes on to say that “Today’s children are being deprived of the fundamentals of a healthy childhood:
- Emotionally available parents that stay connected
- Conversations that included eye contact
- Clearly defined limits and guidance
- Responsibilities
- Balanced nutrition and adequate sleep
- Movement and outdoors
- Creative play, social interaction, opportunities for unstructured times and boredom
Instead, children are being served with:
- Digitally distracted parents
- Indulgent parents who let their teenage sons and daughters “Rule the world”
- A sense of entitlement rather than responsibility
- Inadequate sleep and unbalanced nutrition
- Sedentary indoor lifestyle
- Easier access to drugs and alcohol that can lead to substance abuse
- Endless stimulation, technological babysitters, instant gratification, and absence of dull moments”
How true… and how sad.
You can read the rest of her story and more at yourot.com
I couldn’t agree more. According to TIME.com, “Despite the rise in teen depression, the study, which analyzed data from the National Surveys on Drug Use and Health, reported that there wasn’t a corresponding increase in mental health treatment for adolescents and young adults. Researchers said this is an indication that there is a growing number of young people who are under-treated or not treated at all for their symptoms.”
The article goes on to say that it’s not just how our teens behave and feel, it’s young kids – in elementary school. School Counselors like Ellen Chance in Palm Beach say they see evidence that technology and online bullying are affecting kids’ mental health as young as fifth grade, particularly girls.
“I couldn’t tell you how many students are being malicious to each other over Instagram. “I’ve had cases where girls don’t come to school, and they are cutting themselves and becoming severely depressed because they feel outcasted and targeted.” She says she now sees cutting incidents pretty much weekly at her elementary school, and while they vary in severity, it’s a signal that not all is right.”
What can we do about it?
1. Swap Chores for Screentime
Responsibilities increase their self-worth. Example: if you don’t set the table, we can’t eat. If you don’t wash your clothes, you will have nothing to wear tomorrow:
“To develop a high self-esteem a person needs a purpose. A key component to high self-esteem relies on how you view yourself regarding contribution. In other words, in the child development process, chores are a big role in a kid’s self-esteem.” ~Impact Parenting.
Swap Chores for Screen Time. If they want to have screen time, they need to pitch in first.
They need to learn that work comes before play. This will drastically cut back on their electronic time without any nagging or yelling from you. You can purchase the cards here.
2. The AAP now suggests screening all children for depression starting at age 11.
3. Get back to what we did before phones (back to what our parents did when we were young)… spend time playing games with our kids.
4. Spend dinnertime talking.
5. Drop everything that you are doing when your kids get home from school to TALK to them.
6. Make dinner without having the TV on, the phone close by, or the tablet tuned into something.
7. Use any ‘car time’ to talk to our kids (maybe even by not allowing electronics in the car)
8. Be sure that your child is getting enough hours of sleep. This is a substantial contributing factor.
9. Don’t keep a lot of junk food in the house. Limit junk food & replace it with fruits & vegetables. If your child is picky, they can certainly find a fruit or vegetable that they like. (I’ve taught our kids to make smoothies, too, but they have to clean up after themselves, or they lose the privilege of using the blender… they LOVE to make them, so this is a consequence that they will not want to be placed on them).
10.
Join the one-on-one time challenge (30 days) for FREE.
11. Have a no-tech week and tell your kids to “go play!” Don’t feel the need to always play with them. My job, as a play therapist, is to teach parents how to play with their kids to help them, so while I always think that playing with your kids is a good idea, but I also want them to play alone. I want them to learn how to keep themselves entertained.
12. From the time that our kids were very young, I gave them time to entertain themselves, and now they are able to find ways to keep themselves busy (drawing, playing, building, etc..)
13. Don’t rescue your kids. Here’s a recent example that happened in our house:
I’ve started having our kids pack their lunches (with my supervision), but yesterday one of our sons decided to wait.. .and wait… and wait. When it was down to 10 minutes before leaving, he asked me to pack it.
I said no, and he then asked for lunch money.
I said, “I think it’s upstairs in your piggy bank if you have some in there.” His face said it all. I wasn’t going to buy him out of this. It was his responsibility.
It is NEVER easy to teach our kids these lessons, but they serve our kids well. He quickly made himself lunch and was on his way. He learned a valuable life lesson about preparing himself for the day.
14. Talk to your kids about why they need to come to you if something is wrong. I talk to our kids about all of this, and they know that I would do anything to help them. I say it daily… “If you are ever feeling sad or left out about something and it becomes too big for you to handle easily, come to me.”
Yes, it’s a lot to tell them, but it is the truth. I need them to know it. It’s not a joking matter, and it’s not one to take lightly. Talk to your kids TODAY.
15. Make a rule with yourself that you will limit YOUR online distractions when your kids are home. Set a time that you can put electronics away… for example: Make 3:30-9:00 a no-tech time for you, the parent. (or whatever hours your kids are home). It will not only benefit your kids, but it will help you, too.
Yes, it’s the scary truth about what’s hurting our kids, but we have the power to help.
Here are more posts you might like:
amazing article really helped me spend more time with my children!
Love this article! I am heading this way with my 3 kids. My kids are 14, 12 and 6. I am introducing your approach slowly and already finding that they are playing a little more together, talking to each other better and getting along a tad better. Baby steps. My concern with this approach, especially with my 14 year old daughter, is that, how with this affect her socially? I have not allowed her to have Facebook, so she already misses out on what goes on there between her peers, but I’m worried she will always be that one step behind her peers socially. I’d love to have my kids grow up the way my generation did, playing in mud, building cubbies and climbing trees, and sending a friend an email and receiving an email every now and then on the weekend was the extent of our social media excitement. We barely watched tv growing up and these days I 100% follow movie ratings, but my kids friends have all seen the latest 15+ movies, are all playing the latest 15+ video games,, are my kids missing out socially because they miss out discussing these movies and games amongst their friends? Do we check our phones for current news every 5 minutes or do we wait until the evening news on tv?
Do we find a balance or do we stick it out? I’m prepared to stick it out and hope it benefits their future.
Great article Becky! I also think video game consoles are as bad or worse than phones. My son would rather stay home and have a “party” online with his friends playing Xbox than go anywhere. This is why I love to travel so much… getting my kids away from home and technology is so important. They meet other kids on our trips in person. It’s like the old days before phones! I know so many pre-teens and teenagers who have NO social skills and will not talk. It’s so odd. I make it a point to get my kids in activities where they have to socialize with others. It’s so important these days for well being and just life lessons in general.
I am a former teacher who faced the fall-out from these issues. Kids faking asleep in class because they had been up until 3 playing video games online, or texting each other. Lack of focus and ambition. Poor social skills. No taking responsibilty because their parents are afraid to be parents. They want to be friends with their kids. They’re your kids! Step up and be a parent and say NO once in a while.
I suggested to the Superintendent that he promote “Tech-free” days at school and at home. It would send a clear message.
Its not just kids that are suffering. As a society, people of all ages are sufferring the same effects. Take a look around you. on the train, at your local Tim Hortons, at the mall…you get the idea. Everyone is staring at their phones. My thirty something boss thinks communication should be over text or slack – short and sweet. No reply necessary. Forget a two way conversation. Technology has degraded communication skills to the point where no one talks or listens…..Yes, the kids today are sufferring, but so too is society overall. The best thing we can do for our kids is to insist that their phones are left in their lockers during the school day so that they are forced to communicate with others face to face. Parents who feel the need to call their kids during classess should put their phones away as well! Call the school office if its an emergency!
All of this is great advice on what to do. I did all that & continue to. I have 3 17 year olds (twins and a step). My son is depressed and abusing drugs sporadically. Social Media isn’t our issue, but depression is. Nothing can innoculate your family from Mental Illness. Not to say don’t put all these in place, especially meals together and talking in car. Hugs, and don’t release boys until they start to pull away. Get your teens in 2-3 extracurricular activities that are organised and supervised. Let them decide what to do, not you. Stay calm. Kids who aren’t teenagers yet should only do 1-2 activities. Don’t overschedule!! Don’t pressure. Don’t shout. Let them discover their passions. Don’t stress about messy rooms and other unimportant stuff. Tell them you love them frequently. Don’t take their teenage shit personally. And to the author of this piece, there is NO INCREASE in ADHD, there is probably an increase in DIAGNOSIS (which is a good thing). ADHD is NOT a mental illness, it is a condition that is inherent in the brain. It does cause a whole raft of issues because it is not supported by our societies and people who have it often wind up depressed and with anxiety or other mental health issues ( eg drug abuse) because of this, not because of the ADHD — because they are made to feel “less than” by society.
All I can say is that when I watch the Alaskan bush-people subsistence-farmer shows on tv, I’m always floored by how much happier, healthier, and more confident in their abilities than other kids and teens. We’ve become a pretty miserable bunch these days, regardless of age. I think a lot of it is due to ideological intolerance and economic inequality, but technology certainly does seem to have exacerbated things.
Every time I read a post like yours, Becky, I am so, so, so thankful for my incredible parents and all that they sacrificed to raise myself and my siblings in a balanced, healthy way. They got a lot of pushback (much of it from their own kids) when they expected us to help out around the house, get jobs to pay for electronics as teens, and entertain and cook for ourselves. My mom has even faced social pressure for choosing to stay home with us as we grew up instead of pursuing her accounting career further (not the right decision for every family, of course, but I believe it was best for us). All those messy, expensive, irritating, time-consuming decisions sure paid off for myself and my siblings!
Thank you!! I love that.
This very important subject, and scary yes , the internet age has robbed the children of their normal growing up process, there is no difference in age to get any information, and they have been targeted by many unsafe parts . No need to repeat what is written by the study authors, but there should be a solution to be adopted by all nations and the United Nations.
We are halfway through an interesting family experiment. We rented our house, packed up what we could each fit into a checked bag and headed out to see the world. Dad works remotely, 2 teens aged 16 and 14 are trying online school and me, (Mom) as the ringmaster. So far, my daughter aged 14, (turning 15 in three weeks), admits the first 2 months she was depressed. Being cut-off from her friends going back to school in Vancouver while we lived in Barcelona was tough. She thought she would loose her friendships if she didn’t keep up her snap chat streaks. We tried to help her as much as possible, but she just needed the detox time. She slept a lot and starting reading books we found in a second hand English bookstore. My son has gone through ups and downs. Sometimes he has immersed himself in the travel experience. Out month in Cambodia was particularly good. Other times he still feels the pull of keeping up with everything and everyone online.
What I know for sure, we got our family back. We sit together each night and eat a meal, sometimes that is cooked by us and other times in restaurants. Because of the timezones, my kids are not even virtually available as much as they used to be. They have a better sense of how shallow being a normal teenager really is, concerned with clothes, technology and celebrity.
We are not a wealthy family. I saved a lot of money from my last year of working in order to prepay as much as possible, (extended health insurance, first flights, etc.) We are attempting to live from my husband’s salary with the same level of expenses as we have back home. That means we cook our own meals, much of the time. The lesson here is that long term travel is possible, it is affordable and it has saved our family.
Wow, this was a profound piece, Becky! I whole-heartedly agree that smartphones & electronics are a demise to our children and the family as a whole. An eye doctor recently said that she has so many cases of kids with eye-strain because of these devices as well. A travel-hostel owner noted in his commons room that instead of interacting with each other, his guests were lost in reading emails and checking their FB status. This is an epidemic and it’s time to take a stand and save not only our kids, but also our humanity.
You are right. It is a scary truth. I know that my daughter was one of the last of her friends to get a cell phone. And still I wonder if it is OK. The truth is it is hard to do no electronics but we do monitor the time spent on the electronics. I am thinking of trying one no electronics day, once a week and seeing what the effect is.
Oh my! I just stumbled across your blog and so happy I did! Ian also a mom of 3 boys and then a girl. The girl I thought I would never have. So grateful for everything but finding myself wanting one more baby. Then I read your article about the void and how many women all the feel the same way. I hope to hear the void goes away. I figured I can’t just keep having children and need to really relish in the blessing I do have 😊
Very true. My kids grew up right when the “cell phone craze” started. They wanted them and were told no. I got that same age old response of “but all my friends have one”. So dont care what your friends have, wben you can buy and pay for the bill than you can get one, until then no.
You also mentioned ADHD. Your percentage I would bet is way off. When my daughter was in first grade, (and she was ADHD at age 4, and very destructive) there was 32 kids in her class. All but 5 kids were either ADHD or ADD. Its only gotten worse since than. If a kid doesn’t learn fast enough they are ADHD, if they move in their seat a little bit they are ADH. If they do not learn as fast as they want they are labled ADHD and the schools want them tested or medicated period. My youngest was that child. Come to find out after several school yrs of major behavior problems (caused by the med the schools insisted on), he wasn’t ADHD, he was dsylexic like I had told them.
The problem is the kids that dont need the ADHD meds are being addicted to them. It is a speed if you are not hyperactive.
I do think that it’s just has to do with the communication and mutual understanding between parents and kids. Maybe some rules like, you can do it no later than 9PM or something.
I played some video games in my childhood too, and that rule keep me from overdoing it.