Isn’t it true that we can do a lot of things for our kids, but the time that they feel the most loved is when we are simply together? They feel the most loved & important when we spend time focused on them. Playing race cars, baking in the kitchen, painting nails and reading books?
It is these moments, that we think might be boring to them (or us) that are the important ones. The relationship-builders. When our child asks if we will play cards or build Legos with him, he is really asking, “Am I important enough to you that you will spend time with me?” It can be hard because we have to get the housework done. Dinner has to get on the table. That baby needs to be fed. That phone call needs to be returned.
So how can we handle this? You can start by trying some of the things that I’m learning to do along the way.
1) Say yes way more often than you say no.
Lately, I’ve been trying to say yes as much as possible to these little requests I hear all day. This simple concept really does help me because I know there are times when I really, really must say no. And so when I do have to say no, I’m comforted by the fact that I did say yes the other 9 times.
Yes, I will play with you in your water table.
Yes, I can have a staring contest.
Yes, I want to see you do your new gymnastics trick.
2) Think of creative alternatives for the “no” moments.
If you are busy, maybe you can invite them into what you are doing or come up with a time later when you can intentionally spend time with them. A key example? Folding laundry and letting them help. Now, you are teaching them an important lesson and spending time with them.
3) Put down the phone and look them in the eyes.
This one convicts me. So often this multi-tasking busy mom wants to do three things at once.
And while I probably can physically text, make dinner, hold a child and hear about that big accomplishment at gymnastics class, I often ask myself, “How do I feel when someone else is multi-tasking and I really want their attention?” Not good – I feel hurt… and so do our children. We need to look in their eyes.
4) Teach kids to ask for your attention appropriately.
Yes, our kids need our full attention and love, but they do need to understand the difference between being there for them and being at their beck-and-call. They need to understand that we are busy as mothers and we do have things that need to be done.
If they need me while I am talking to someone, I ask them to gently place their hand on my arm or on my leg to signal that they need me. I respond by placing my hand on their hand to let them know I’ll be right there. Then, when I can finish my thought, I stop what I’m doing, look in their eyes and answer their request.
5) Soften your heart to the request.
There are many moments where I need to give myself a pep talk. Am I trying to do it all? Can that text wait? Can I look up that information later? The answer usually is yes, it can wait and that my job as a mother, teacher, nurturer is far more important.
I often think of these requests as dividends into the child’s “soul/worth” bank account. If I tell myself, “I have the incredible opportunity to add to their bank account right now!”
6) It only takes a few minutes.
These little requests for time often take (at the most) five minutes… and that focused attention on my child can pay in spades for the rest of our day in terms of overall behavior. For example, one thing I’ve noticed is that we all have an easier day when I can take the time to first give my focused attention to my preschooler before I work with the older kids.
7) Pay attention to the cues.
What are they really asking for? What is the real need that they’re trying to fulfill? And how can I best meet that need for them? Sometimes I’ve found that it’s not doing that thing they’re asking me to do. Sometimes I can see that I can best meet that need in another way. As I watch my kids get older, I realize the immeasurably great factor of a relationship.
As my boys are starting to flex their independence muscles, I know that they crave my listening ear and time more than ever. And if I want to keep that door open, I need to constantly respond with open arms to their cues that they need me and are wanting to feel loved. I think the biggest trick in parenting is finding out what those cues are for each of our kids, and staying on top of those cues as our children mature through different stages.
There are helpful resources like The 5 Love Languages of Children and others that give us hints into how our kids are wired and how they may be asking to be loved. Here are some favorites that I recommend:
However, I think time is the best teacher—time spent together, getting to know each other in every season of life. And speaking of time…
8) Regularly create open pockets of time in your schedule.
Of course, this is harder than it sounds. There is just so much to do, and the more kids you have (I have four), the more there is to do! But what I’m suggesting (and constantly aiming to do myself) is that we deliberately leave margin in our family’s schedule so that it really is easier to say yes because we have fewer places to be.
That may mean saying no to a really great sports activity or outside learning opportunity, and I think that’s OK because we have to remember our ultimate goal: To connect deeply with our kids and to treasure the moments together. Period.
9) Remember that it is a privilege and this opportunity won’t always be there.
The window is short, mamas. It’s hard to believe, but these wonderful children were entrusted with won’t always be scurrying near us. And, right now, we have the opportunity in these everyday moments to give our children the solid foundation and confidence that they are loved and valued. That is something that will serve them for the rest of their lives!!
Think about your parents… they no longer have you in their home, asking for advice. One day your children will be in the same situation, so spend the time teaching them now.
So let’s stand strong in this battle, fellow busy moms! Let’s pledge to re-focus our priorities and to discover the greater purposes of our mothering. I’ll be right there beside you, figuring it all out moment-by-moment too.