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Coming up with consequences for kids that work is not always easy, especially when you’re in the heat of the moment and you just need your kids to do what you ask (preferably without yelling)!  

You need to find something that works and stick to it… if you want a behavior to change.

why children yell

Why Over-the-Top Consequences Don’t Work

How many times do we (myself included!) make up crazy consequences on the spot… “If you do that again, we are not going to the beach!”  Or “If I hear that again, no TV for a week!”

These are not things that we want to do, so why do we say them?   We are in the heat of the moment.   Oftentimes, we don’t follow through with the consequence because we realize that it was too harsh for the action.   We realize that we overreacted.   

We may realize that by punishing the behavior, we have now punished the entire family (by taking away an outing, etc.).   

The problem is that when parents or teachers do not follow through on the consequence that was threatened, it can leave children with the idea that “It doesn’t matter if they listen or not… since mom/dad isn’t actually going to do anything.”

Note: While it is very important to follow through, there are times when we need to realize that we have over-reacted and we need to talk to our child. 

It is important to mention that if you do overreact, don’t be afraid to talk to your child. Show your child that you make mistakes, too.   This can be a great learning lesson.  “I overreacted and said things that I didn’t mean, like telling you that you can’t go anywhere for a week.”   Your child can learn from your example.   

Give Them Three Options

If you ask them to do something (clean up their room) and they ignore you, you have three options:

1- Get upset & lose your temper (I’ve been there)
2- Just do it for them because it’s easier (yeah, I’ve been there too)
3- OR… the simple tip that I want to tell you today. (read below)

A little girl with her arms crossed and her mother standing behind her.

How It Began

I came up with this idea because of a situation that I found myself in during my college years.  I was in a communications class and we were having a discussion about companies: the boss and the employees. 

Our first discussion was about what employers could do to get their staff to abide by certain rules at work.

Brainstorming Traditional Ways

  1. Telling them what to do. 
  2. Sharing what other businesses do, etc.
  3. Talking about the consequence given by their boss/employer.

The Better Idea

Afterward, my professor offered one other solution: what if THEY came up with the consequences?  Their own consequence?

We all looked a little dumbfounded. Wait, what?

Creating their own Consequences that actually WORK!

“No, really,” he went on to explain, “Let me give you an example…”

Picture This Scenario:  

A classroom full of college students (us), with a professor ready to teach (him) … and our cell phones start ringing.  They were constantly ringing during class.

The professor stands up and tells us, “Although I need you to keep your phones silent during class today, most of you will forget.” 

He then asks, “What do you think should happen to someone if their cell phone goes off during class? ”  

He waited for us to respond.

We all laughed and looked around, still a bit confused.

Wait.

I remember thinking, ‘Did he just ask us what WE think we should do if someone’s cell phone goes off?’

The room was silent for a while because none of us had been asked that kind of question before.  

We brainstormed.  We made lists.  We talked about it and came up with something that we all agreed upon.  One idea.  

Being college kids, we went for something funny… we would have to stand up on a desk and sing “I’m a Little Tea Pot” if our cell phones rang during class (I’m not kidding…this really happened).

The Outcome

Only ONE person had their cell phone go off that semester.   It worked.  We created the consequence and we knew exactly what would happen if we broke the rules of the classroom.

Why does it work? 

It works because they are involved.  They are helping you to come up with the idea.  It will stick with them more.  They will remember it more.  It works because it is memorable. 

It’s memorable.

We created the consequence, so we remembered it.  You know the saying about how we can kind of understand things by hearing it, but when we are hands-on creating it ourselves, we remember it more?  That is the case here.

It’s self-initiated.

This worked because as a team, we came up with a consequence that we ALL wanted to avoid.  At home, your kids can dream up a consequence that they don’t want to do… maybe a dreaded chore (like cleaning out a closet) or time out or losing electronics.

It’s a ‘line in the sand.’ 

‘If you break the rule, this happens. No questions, no negotiations.’   
No more nagging or going on and on about what you’re doing to do if your kids don’t listen to you. Letting them come up with the consequences helps to involve them and let them know that you value their input.

How to make this work (home or school)

This can work in your home or in your classroom.  To begin, you will help the child learn why it is important, how they will earn or avoid the consequence, and then you will come up with ideas… together. 

Set a Meeting.

Set up a meeting with the kids and talk about what you expect from them. Do you need them to help out more by doing more age-appropriate chores?   Do you need them to stop arguing with a sibling?  
Whatever it is, talk about the behavior. 

  • Explain the difference between good behaviors and poor behaviors.
  • Explain what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. 
  • Give examples of the difference between positive and negative behavior.   
  • The children need to walk away from this meeting understanding the house rules. 
  • The child needs to know exactly what bad behavior looks like, so they will understand how to avoid consequences.

Brainstorm Consequences

Spend a period of time thinking of ideas.  In 15 minutes, you’ll have a wonderful list.   

Brainstorm consequences with the kids (a younger child may need more help/guidance, while the older child will likely catch on to this quickly.  You can write these on a sheet of paper as you are brainstorming (if you have older kids- let them add their idea to the paper). 

Your end goal for this activity is to come up with one consequence (per child) that works for your family.  It may be different due to the difference in age, but you can also agree on one consequence for everyone if that works better for your family. 

Make It Visible

When you come up with the consequence that your family agrees on (it might be different for each child), write it down.  

Keep in handy for a few days (maybe on the refrigerator) until everyone remembers. 

If you still see behavior problems and your child blames it on not remembering, extend the time that the new consequence is visible.  The amount of time depends on the child. 

Instilling Good Character Traits

Chores should not be overlooked.  They give your child a sense of purpose and they teach great life-lessons.   I suggest using a chore system that promotes the character trait of work before play, as well as the importance of helping your family.

If you want to start chores with your kids, but not have to deal with a chore chart, try these Swap Chores for Screen Time chore cards. We have the cards & they are easy to keep up with.

They have worked wonders in our home.  It makes it easy to say “Ok everyone- please grab two chore cards!  When you have finished with the chores, you can go play!”

chore chart

The Final Step: Follow Through 

If you want to see a change for the long term, you are going to have to learn to follow through & stick with it for a long time.  If any consequences are going to work at home or in the classroom, you’ve got to follow through and be consistent.

It takes three days to break a bad habit & 21 days to build a new one.  It will be challenging at times, (trust me, I know!) but following through during those first three days are going to be the KEY component to creating better behavior.

Related Posts:

inner voice

teach your kids to clean their room

Thanks to our contributor Katie, a stay-at-home mom, for sharing her story with us today!

Hi there!

I’m Becky, a former elementary school teacher turned certified child development therapist and blogger. I work at home with my husband and together we are raising (and partially homeschooling) our four children in the Carolinas. I love diet coke, ice cream, and spending time with my family.

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50 Comments

  1. I just asked my six year old what he thinks a consequence should be when he doesn’t listen, and he said “a sucker”. What do you do when your kids don’t take it serious and think of a consequence?

    1. I’d say “Hmmm… ok. Well, if you can’t make up your own, I’ll make one up for you. For being silly, you lose all junk-food and candy for 7 days. On top of that, your real consequence will be that you will write out “I will not ______” for every mistake that you make. Then you will give me 5 reasons that you will not do X. Example: I will not talk back to my mom. It is rude to talk back to her. It hurts her feelings. She loses trust in me. She does not respect my answers. It makes her angry when I talk back to her.”

      I did this with our son one time (for coming out of his room every night. He had to write 5 reasons that sleep was important. He stopped coming out after one night.) 😉

  2. I have 6 Grandchildren. I look after 4 of them full time. Their ages are 8,7,6 and the 1 1/2 year old will be 2 in May. I keep trying to get the 2 older ones to clean up but They refuse to listen. They like to make the mess but they don’t like cleaning it. I have no problem with the 2 younger ones. The almost 2 year old likes to clean. That’s a bonus. I have a hard time getting them to listen to me. I need some help please. I need some suggestions.

    1. I do the “if, then” So “if you clean, then you can watch TV.” “If you clean, then you can play.”

    2. In our house we do “would you like to pick it up or shall I? You can keep what you pick up and I will keep what I pick up!”
      They can earn back what I pick up but it rarely happens these days!

  3. I am so happy I stumbled across this discussion! My husband and I have a 4 year old very strong willed little girl and recently adopted my niece and nephew who are 4&6! The 6 year old just turned 6 in November. The two have been in foster care for almost 2years and a few different foster homes. I am struggling trying to come up with logical consequences and find myself sometimes feeling like a nag, dong do this stop doing that if you don’t stop running then this. Which I know is super inaffective and makes the behavior worse. I have always had a hard time finding logical consequences, the main issues are: running in the house, not listening ( and I don’t mean o eying I mean flat out ignoring) I understand they are kids and if you saw my house you would know I let them be! But there are still expectations I set and they are more then able to comply! I’ve seen them do it! (They let the ball drop on that) but what are logical consequences? My 4 year old could care less about sitting in a corner or losing a toy she has others. ( her words!) I’m sure you can imagine my furry when my little mini me said that!

  4. I have been taking care of kids since I was 6 years old…when there were no disposable diapers. I was always good at it because I test the kids to see what works with each individual. Different things work for different kids. I took care of my 6 siblings (one is older), my kids, my siblings’ kids (11 of them), my cousins, their kids, my friends’ kids…I love kids. My biggest thing was, “I’m telling you one more time not to do that, and if you do it again, I will spank you”. If they did it again, I spanked them…not hard enough to hurt them, just hard enough to hurt their feelings. Most wore diapers, but the sound on their diaper usually did the trick. They would cry like I broke every bone in their body, and I would calmly tell them when Mommy/Aunt Dee Dee (the cousins, their kids and friends’ kids called me this too.) says don’t do it again, or I will spank you, I mean it!” Then I would hug them, and go somewhere where they couldn’t see me crying. One of my nephews had to have proof that what you say worked. For example, at the county fair, his mom, my sister, was standing in line to get him something to eat and drink. He was screaming that he wanted to go to a side window because there were long lines at the other windows. She was telling him the window wasn’t for orders. I walked over when I saw him taking the tantrum, and asked my sister to let me have him. She was frustrated, and said she couldn’t give him to me because she had to get him food and a drink. I told her to stand there in line, and I took him to the window. I knocked on the window and asked one of the workers if the window opened. He said, “No, Ma’am, this one won’t open at all”. My nephew calmed down, and his mom was able to stand peacefully in the line with no problems. If you can learn what works for each child, then you will know what works best when they won’t do what you ask them to do.

  5. I just did this in a classroom that I was assigned to mid-year as a paraeducator. The class is a resource room for Special Ed middle school students. When I got there, the class was out of control, with no consequences. The teacher is a male, who has a loud booming voice, so when he yelled loud enough, they would simmer down….for a few minutes. But he was often out of the room, leaving me and the other aide to try and manage the horrible behavior. I finally had to ask him if I could create a consequence system, and he gave me the go ahead. I had a meeting with the students, we figured out what they felt appropriate consequences were, and I created the chart. It has worked quite well, I must say! Consistency is definitely key here!
    PS–Why don’t you use dates on your posts or comments? It’s rather strange to not know when anything has been posted!

  6. My husband and I both work. We are expecting our second son, and our older three year old son is acting out by arguing and not listening. We have such a limited time with him in the evenings that I hate to spend it all with him in timeout or not being able to enjoy each other’s company. We take away his story time at bedtime quite often if he does t take a bath well (not getting out when it’s time or not brushing his teeth). But the very next night he is exactly the same and loses the story again. We aren’t sure what to do.

    1. At that age, I’d say the most important thing that you can do is to be very consistent and spend a lot of uninterrupted time with him. Maybe when you get home from work, you sit with him for 20 minutes and just play (no phones, tv, etc…). If you do that for a week straight, I bet you’ll see a big change.
      On top of that, just being consistent with consequences. Maybe time-out isn’t the best option. Does he watch TV? Could you take evening TV away as a punishment? Or take away snacks for the evening? I’d try to find something that isn’t time-out, if it’s taking time away from your family.
      Also- is he getting enough sleep? At 3, our kids always needed 12 hours or they were grumpy. 🙂 Not all kids need that much, but ours did.

  7. What if the consequence idea your kid throws out is something they didn’t care for in the first place? “ Ok Mom, you can take away a toy if I do that again” but she never cared about her toys in the first place.

  8. What if the children pick a punishment that is excessive? For example, go to bed without eating lunch or dinner…asking for a friend lol.

    1. As the parent, you decide what’s actually appropriate and what’s not. If they pick something too severe, you can say “I see you have put some thought into this. It’s a good idea and I know it would be effective. However, we don’t want you to be unhealthy by missing ALL of your dinner or lunch. How about no snack? (or dessert)

  9. Wow!!! I can’t even tell you how much I love this idea. I think it will be incredibly helpful for my oldest to pick his consequences and be more accountable for his behavior. This is such a great way of setting realistic goals in the house.

  10. I don’t do social media, I would like to know if you could send me a link of this wonderful article on kids picking there chores. I run a day care in my home and I have 3 families with 3 kids and they all run the household, but not mine. lol I know the families would appreciate this article! I have heard of doing this before but it has been a long time since I’ve had school agers I had forgotten about it. thank you so much

  11. I really wish I could FORCE my ex husband to stick together on these things. No matter what it gets destroyed. I feel so defeated and lost.

    1. I’m sorry- it’s so hard when you feel like the follow-through isn’t there. Keep me posted.