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Last week I was reading an article about the LIES that we believe when we get married.  Some of them shocked me while others I could relate to.  While I forget most of them,  I remember a few and wanted to add to them.  These are 10 lies that we tell ourselves about being married because there is no time like the present to grow your marriage, even after kids.

A couple posing for a photo with text below them.

My husband and I have been married for ten years and we have been together for about 20 years, because we started dating when I was 13 and he was 14. ¬† yes, really…¬†

Mickey Mansfield and Becky Mansfield 1997

We have four beautiful children together and we have learned a lot about marriage through watching our parents and learning/growing together.
mansfield family

We found that we hear a lot of lies about marriage, lies that we tell ourselves and that we let ourselves believe…

1- “Your spouse needs to do more for you and in return¬†you will do more for him.”
It doesn’t work that way. ¬†It is a give & give relationship. ¬†You give with your whole heart‚Ķ they give with their whole heart. ¬† You make it work together.

2- “We were married too young.”
I know many couples who were happily married from a young age.  My great-grandmother was 14 and was married to her husband until the day that they died.   My friend and her husband were married young, and after only knowing each other for 35 days.   In the end, you have to realize that you knew what you were doing at the time was right and believe it with your heart… and find that feeling again (more advice in #7).

3- “I do more than he does.”
This one drives me a bit crazy. ¬† For a week, just a week, try NOT to compare what you do to what he does. ¬†How much you do to how much he does. ¬†How tired you are to how tired he is. ¬†Just stop comparing. ¬†It will get you nowhere. ¬†Instead, switch it out with empathy, sympathy, and understanding and I’m sure you will get that in return. ¬†You’ll never know until you try, right?

4- “I never have to try¬†to look nice or do nice things once you are married‚Ķ”¬† ¬†(and it’s not why you think)¬†
It is nice to see our significant other making an effort to look nice for us. ¬†It’s not about what you are wearing or what you are doing‚Ķ¬†¬†Its about the fact that you WANT to make an effort for them. ¬†
You WANT to make dinner for him.
You WANT to leave him a little card on the kitchen table.
You WANT to clean the house or work hard at your job or work hard at whatever it is that you are doing.
Its just about showing them that you still care what they think.

5- “You don’t need time, alone, as a couple.”¬†
You do. ¬†You need time with just your significant other. ¬†Now you don’t have to go on fancy dates or even leave the house (we rarely do). ¬†I have done many posts on dates without leaving the house. ¬†It’s just about having quality time with one another. ¬†Even a simple stroll outside while a friend watches your kids works. ¬† (Ask a friend to swing by for 30 minutes while the kids are asleep, then do the same for her a week later)

mickey & becky

6-¬†Fighting is what married people do. ¬† ¬†This just isn’t so. ¬† I have heard SO many people saying “Once you are married, the fighting begins” ¬†or “They’re fighting now… just wait until they are married.” ¬† ¬†Yes, arguments happen, but don’t let it become the norm.

7. “I’ll stay happy in my marriage forever and we’ll never have rough patches. “
Yes, we want to be happy in our marriages… We never plan on the hard times.

8- “My marriage can’t be fixed. “
I challenge you to try to fix your marriage before giving up. ¬† You should¬†read the book The Five Love Languages. ¬†It is just the most amazing book and I think that everyone should read it multiple times during their marriage. ¬†YOU NEED TO READ IT OUT-LOUD, TOGETHER! ¬† It goes hand in hand with praying together. ¬†You hear the phrase “A couple that prays together, stays together”.

9- “Having a baby will help our relationship.”
Bringing a baby INTO a loving, respectful relationship is amazing.  Growing your family to SAVE a marriage is not.   You have to work on your marriage first (try the advice given in #7) and bring a child into it after it is secure, strong and stable.

10- ¬†“My spouse is the problem.”
This is not a one-way street.  Take a look at yourself and see how you can do more for your relationship.  Reflect on your marriage and hold yourself accountable when you can.  Be supportive of one another and talk about a solution and work towards finding it.

Follow these marriage rules for a strong, healthy marriage.  Print them out here (free) and hang them up for a daily reminder.
MARRIAGE RULES1

 

 

 

 

BOOKS THAT I RECOMMEND:

Five Love Languages
100 Ways to Love your Husband
Now Your Speaking Your Language

 

 

MORE POSTS YOU MIGHT LIKE:
grow your marriage after kids

8 tips to strengthen your marriage today

Hi there!

I’m Becky, a former elementary school teacher turned certified child development therapist and blogger. I work at home with my husband and together we are raising (and partially homeschooling) our four children in the Carolinas. I love diet coke, ice cream, and spending time with my family.

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5 Comments

  1. I love this Becky. Especially the last 3… definitely had me laughing… But it’s no laughing matter… Marriage is H.A.R.D. I’m reading the 5 love languages now ūüôā

  2. hi,thank you for this helpful your post,i khow more from it.i appreciate it!