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The scary truth about what's hurting our kids

In the past week, I’ve read several studies that are scary to me… it’s the scary truth about what’s hurting our kids.   We all know that what our kids hear becomes their inner voice, but it’s hard to control what they hear from others, isn’t it?


CNN recently interviewed Dr. Jean Twenge, author of iGen and her interview worried me – because I saw the truth that I would be facing in just a few short years as my oldest son would enter high school and I would be parenting teens and elementary ages kids too.   Dr. Twenge started doing research 25 years ago on generational differences, but when 2011 -2012 hit, she saw something that would scare her to the core.   This is the year when everyone had video games and those having iPhones went over the 50% mark.

Think about what that really means:  it was when people began to have access to the digital world.  Social media took off, sending videos & photos increased (along with feelings of being left out).  The line that separated our home lives from our school/work & social lives became very blurred.

The results of that showed teen behavior that should scare all of us.

  • This was the year that more kids started to say that they felt “sad, hopeless, useless… that they couldn’t do anything right (depression).”
  • They had frequent mood swings.
  • They felt left-out and lonely.
  • The depression rate is rising even faster among millennials (up 47 percent) and adolescents (up 47 percent for boys and up 65 percent for girls. (source: BCBS report)
  • Depression Diagnoses of major depression are rising fastest among those under age 35.
  • Depression Diagnoses have increased 47% since 2013 among millennials (ages 18–34).”
  • A substantial increase in suicide rate.

Before I give you any more info, I want you to look at these graphs of what could be considered negative behaviors and look at how the information correlates to the iPhones being released.

They aren’t hanging out with friends nearly as much.

A close up of a graph.
scary truth about what's hurting our kids

They aren’t dating as much in their teen years.

A screenshot of a graph.

More likely to feel lonely in their teen years.

scary truth about what's hurting our kids

They are getting less sleep.

She goes on to say that we are in the worst mental health crisis in decades.   You can get her book, iGen, with my Amazon affiliate link here, to read the rest of her findings.

Why is this happening?  Why are kids more depressed because of electronics?
Think about when we were in school – we didn’t know every time that there was a get-together that we weren’t invited to and we didn’t see pictures of each outing, game, or party.

We didn’t care what we looked like when we were hanging out with friends in my teenage years, because we were the only ones that were there- I can remember sitting around with my best friends in our sweatpants, just laughing – I didn’t wear makeup or care if I had my hair fixed just right, because the worry of a phone or camera wasn’t there.

Think about bullies.

When we left school, we left them. If teasing happened, it didn’t happen at home.  It didn’t happen so publicly. Everyone couldn’t see it or know what they were teasing other kids about since they weren’t there.  

Now, it’s all public knowledge, and our kids’ peer group can join in or watch. It’s horrifying.

I can’t imagine being a tween or teenager now.  Although- as the parents of children, we have to believe it, because we have to help our children navigate it. And the parents and teen relationship is much more difficult. It’s hard to be a role model and encourage your teen when you have difficulty relating, and raising teenage boys and girls well has never been important.

the scary truth hurting our children

According to Victoria Prooday, Occupational Therapist & writer at YourOT.com, “There is a silent tragedy developing right now, in our homes, and it concerns our most precious jewels – our children… Researchers have been releasing alarming statistics on a sharp and steady increase in kids’ mental illness, which is now reaching epidemic proportions:

She goes on to say that “Today’s children are being deprived of the fundamentals of a healthy childhood:

  • Emotionally available parents that stay connected
  • Conversations that included eye contact
  • Clearly defined limits and guidance
  • Responsibilities
  • Balanced nutrition and adequate sleep
  • Movement and outdoors
  • Creative play, social interaction, opportunities for unstructured times and boredom

Instead, children are being served with:

  • Digitally distracted parents
  • Indulgent parents who let their teenage sons and daughters “Rule the world”
  • A sense of entitlement rather than responsibility
  • Inadequate sleep and unbalanced nutrition
  • Sedentary indoor lifestyle
  • Easier access to drugs and alcohol that can lead to substance abuse
  • Endless stimulation, technological babysitters, instant gratification, and absence of dull moments”
    How true… and how sad.

You can read the rest of her story and more at yourot.com

I couldn’t agree more.  According to TIME.com, “Despite the rise in teen depression, the study, which analyzed data from the National Surveys on Drug Use and Health, reported that there wasn’t a corresponding increase in mental health treatment for adolescents and young adults. Researchers said this is an indication that there is a growing number of young people who are under-treated or not treated at all for their symptoms.”

The article goes on to say that it’s not just how our teens behave and feel, it’s young kids – in elementary school.  School Counselors like Ellen Chance in Palm Beach say they see evidence that technology and online bullying are affecting kids’ mental health as young as fifth grade, particularly girls.

“I couldn’t tell you how many students are being malicious to each other over Instagram. “I’ve had cases where girls don’t come to school, and they are cutting themselves and becoming severely depressed because they feel outcasted and targeted.” She says she now sees cutting incidents pretty much weekly at her elementary school, and while they vary in severity, it’s a signal that not all is right.”

A group of kids looking at their phones.

What can we do about it?

1. Swap Chores for Screentime

Responsibilities increase their self-worth.   Example: if you don’t set the table, we can’t eat.  If you don’t wash your clothes, you will have nothing to wear tomorrow:

“To develop a high self-esteem a person needs a purpose. A key component to high self-esteem relies on how you view yourself regarding contribution. In other words, in the child development process, chores are a big role in a kid’s self-esteem.” ~Impact Parenting.

 Swap Chores for Screen Time.  If they want to have screen time, they need to pitch in first.  

They need to learn that work comes before play.   This will drastically cut back on their electronic time without any nagging or yelling from you. You can purchase the cards here. 

Cards to swap chores for screen time by yourmodernfamily

2. The AAP now suggests screening all children for depression starting at age 11.

3. Get back to what we did before phones (back to what our parents did when we were young)… spend time playing games with our kids.

4. Spend dinnertime talking.

5. Drop everything that you are doing when your kids get home from school to TALK to them.

6. Make dinner without having the TV on, the phone close by, or the tablet tuned into something.

7. Use any ‘car time’ to talk to our kids (maybe even by not allowing electronics in the car)

8. Be sure that your child is getting enough hours of sleep.   This is a substantial contributing factor.  

9. Don’t keep a lot of junk food in the house.  Limit junk food & replace it with fruits & vegetables.  If your child is picky, they can certainly find a fruit or vegetable that they like.  (I’ve taught our kids to make smoothies, too, but they have to clean up after themselves, or they lose the privilege of using the blender… they LOVE to make them, so this is a consequence that they will not want to be placed on them).

A close up of a calendar on a white background.

10.
Join the one-on-one time challenge (30 days) for FREE. 


11Have a no-tech week and tell your kids to “go play!”   Don’t feel the need to always play with them.  My job, as a play therapist, is to teach parents how to play with their kids to help them, so while I always think that playing with your kids is a good idea, but I also want them to play alone.  I want them to learn how to keep themselves entertained.

12. From the time that our kids were very young, I gave them time to entertain themselves, and now they are able to find ways to keep themselves busy (drawing, playing, building, etc..)

13.  Don’t rescue your kids. Here’s a recent example that happened in our house:
I’ve started having our kids pack their lunches (with my supervision), but yesterday one of our sons decided to wait.. .and wait… and wait.  When it was down to 10 minutes before leaving, he asked me to pack it.  

I said no, and he then asked for lunch money.  

I said, “I think it’s upstairs in your piggy bank if you have some in there.” His face said it all.   I wasn’t going to buy him out of this.  It was his responsibility.

It is NEVER easy to teach our kids these lessons, but they serve our kids well. He quickly made himself lunch and was on his way. He learned a valuable life lesson about preparing himself for the day.

14.  Talk to your kids about why they need to come to you if something is wrong.  I talk to our kids about all of this, and they know that I would do anything to help them.   I say it daily… “If you are ever feeling sad or left out about something and it becomes too big for you to handle easily, come to me.”

Yes, it’s a lot to tell them, but it is the truth.  I need them to know it.  It’s not a joking matter, and it’s not one to take lightly. Talk to your kids TODAY.

15. Make a rule with yourself that you will limit YOUR online distractions when your kids are home. Set a time that you can put electronics away… for example: Make 3:30-9:00 a no-tech time for you, the parent.   (or whatever hours your kids are home). It will not only benefit your kids, but it will help you, too.

Yes, it’s the scary truth about what’s hurting our kids, but we have the power to help.

Here are more posts you might like:

lay with me
A group of people walking on a beach
Cards to swap chores for screen time by yourmodernfamily


Hi there!

I’m Becky, a former elementary school teacher turned certified child development therapist and blogger. I work at home with my husband and together we are raising (and partially homeschooling) our four children in the Carolinas. I love diet coke, ice cream, and spending time with my family.

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180 Comments

  1. If these effects were the result of a product that came out of a bottle it would be illegal and the company that made it would be sued. But, they put the word “smart” in the name and everyone fell for it.

  2. Thankfully our teenager has absolutely no desire to have a social media account. He has a phone but only searches for memes or youtube videos about WWII or world history. We monitor what he is searching online regularly and encourage actual ‘friend’ time. We have friends over often so they can have human interaction like we were built to do.

    This article is spot on … and it’s the main reason we’ve not let him get too involved with anything online.

  3. I read many articles – this one resonates more with me than anything else I have read – as an educationalist and parent I completely agree. We all need to take action and share this message and advice.

  4. One of the hardest part of parenting kids in middle school is the knowledge that all of their friends are online. So if I want my kids to connect with their buddies, they’re going to do it through an Xbox Live game or on a football app. While I’d like to remove these things from their lives, I think it’s important to find a balance. So I’m that mean Mom that makes them turn it off after 30 minutes and go outside.

    And boy, do I agree on telling them to go play. People are amazed at how “well behaved” my boys are, but I attribute it to expecting them to amuse themselves from a young age. It’s not my job to be your entertainment center. (Which is not the same thing as spending time connecting as a family!) This is such an important article. Thanks for writing it.

  5. It’s a scary world with too many young people feeling low….sometimes with no apparent reason….sometimes overprotection. I am guilty of this, trying to give my beautiful funny intelligent daughter the life I never had which appears to have backfired. Your statement is true about hurting the family as it feels like she cuts me every time she cuts herself.

    She was 12 the very first time and did it with a friend so they could be ‘officially emos’ – 7 years later it has become a go to in times of stress (sometimes daily/sometimes weekly) and most definitely a habit. My lovely daughter appears happy and confident and has friendships. She always had a balanced access to social media. I sourced access to different therapies as i wotk with young people so now very skilled and well read particuarly in tbis area. However, sometimes you are just too close and emotionally involved.

    She was recently given medication (last year) and the contraceptive pill at 15 then the implant at 16 – in the hope it was a hormonal issue. She says she is happy and feels she can talk to me but if not she has other options in her friends and family. She has always had a huge amount of love from my partner and I and family and close friends and i believe we have been good parents so we ard very close….. but she still cuts her beautiful body.

    It breaks my heart but i must resspect her decisions to do this as she is now a young adult. I leave the communications open and ensure she has medical supplies and she knows i love her unconditionally.

    I am frightened what happens when she runs out of places to cut. If only love was the answer to everything 😦

    *she does have a name but I am keeping her privacy so apologise for the her/she throughout.

    1. Oh my goodness- I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say, honestly, except that I hope she finds the help that she needs and I will keep you both in my prayers. So true- if only love was the answer to everything.

    2. Hey Claire, not sure if you’ll get this message. But your daughter is the same I was. Happy, full of life and friendships and active but still cut herself. It was an addiction and not one that medication could cure. I had (and still have) clinical depression but was high functioning, which it sounds like your daughter is as well. What stopped me from cutting was my mother sitting me down at a table to talk and out of no where she brings out a knife and puts it to her arm. She didn’t cut, but she asked me how it made me feel to see her like that? And obviously it felt painful. She explained that that’s how I was making her feel and I stopped. It wasn’t easy to stop but I didn’t want my mother to hurt. I’m not sure if you’ll choose this method, but it worked for me. I’m extremely empathetic so I understood right away what my mother was feeling. I hope this information helps you and your beautiful daughter. Wish you both all the best. <3

  6. the article is spot on. I was lucky, or had the foresight – to raise my kids with plenty of outdoor activities, sports, etc. we had a trampoline and zip line outside, and a pool table inside. they have phones, and game stations, etc., but were not allowed on them at free will. when they were younger I refused to have cable TV so they were not tempted to lay around and watch it all day. we rented movies on the weekend – otherwise it was sports and family time. Using positive reinforcement and requiring chores of them always. I can’t tell you how many times I heard “but other kids parents don’t make them do this” – and to that I said “well then they aren’t doing a good job” My kids are grown now – successful college students who are leaders. Captains of sports teams, honor students, and well adjusted young adults. I feel very blessed and hope that parents recognize the need to PARENT their kids. Take time, this is your most important job and it needs your full investment.

  7. One Thanksgiving I met my family at the door and as I greeted each one, I requested the cell phone go in a basket. The shocked faces on the children I expected but not the hateful remarks from the adults . No one was telling them they had to give up their smartphone . Our relationship has never been the same.

    1. My only issue here is that some of the members of your family have other families as well. When I go to my husband’s side of the family, it would offend me if someone told me to give up my phone. I’m already giving up the day with them, and I would not want to also give up the chance to see pics or get texts from them on a holiday. It’s not easy to not be with those you love.

  8. Along with the many alarming things you brought to our attention is the easy access to harmful material such as pornography. Even if your child doesn’t have a phone or has a phone with great filters, other children do and can introduce our children to things that will change their lives at a very young age. This happened to one of my daughters at the age of 9. I didn’t find out for several years later after she had seen some horrifying things and had predators in contact with her. SO SCARY!!! She is now 13 going on 20 and is in counseling. I’ve since learned that this isn’t out of the ordinary these days. That knowledge is very sobering and beyond sad. I share this so other parents and caregivers can be aware of this danger.

  9. Depression can also develop into schizoaffective disorder and it takes careful medical and social treatment to get back our loved one. Money and opportunity isn’t always there from the professionals and family members to bring our “loved one” back to reality.

  10. When did Facebook become prominent? That is the real cause IMO. The phone simply provides the access to it. Get your kids and families off FB and many problems will be solved. At a minimum, insist on ONE Family account that everyone uses.

  11. Very interesting article. I feel I’m very lucky after reading this. My children have had smartphones since they were 17. They have both graduated college with bachelors degrees. They both have great jobs and seem quite happy with their lives. I don’t think their smartphones in anyway did any damage to them. They are on them a lot but the enjoy them and I just don’t see any harm in owning them. And they aren’t going away they will be around for generations to come. I enjoy mine a lot also.

  12. While I completely agree with everything written in this article, this is only part of the problem. It doesn’t serve anyone to just focus on one aspect and ignore all the others. I would say a significant other part of the problem is school. I’d be interested to see how the increase in pressure to perform in school matches with those graphs? As long as parents allow (and in fact support!) the pressure being put on today’s students, they are just as much part of the problem.

  13. Regarding the lunch packing issue, Pinterest has a ton of great ideas of things that can be made on the weekends, and kids can basically ” grab one from column A and one from B and one from column C, so as to make their lunch very quickly. If that doesn’t work for your family, institute that they make their lunch the night before. Eliminates lots of issues.

  14. Start screening at age 11?? My son would have been dead at age 10 if I hadn’t caught it! And it all went back to bullying – by his step mother! If I hadn’t caught it by how he was acting and overheard conversations, I would have lost him. But I got him in with a psychiatrist and then on to a psychologist for several years. His dad and step mother didn’t agree that it was her fault, of course, but we figured out ways to work around them. He went on to serve 9 years on the Marine Corps, has 2 engineering degrees, but finally found his happiness as a police officer. He’s now a step dad to 3 kids, and doing a wonderful job with them!

  15. Nice article and you are not alone. I grew up in the era of go outside and play until mom calls you. We are really strict about electronics. They’ve been told no cell phones until they drive a car. They have many friends their ages (9 & 11) who have them. They are used to hearing us say that we aren’t their parents and this is how it is in our house. Even what they watch on tv is extremely limited and the only video games they play are the occasional approved math building games.
    This year has been harder though as my son is in middle school and everything they do is done on a chrome book. We do make him show us his work daily and he has to work on it at our dining room table.
    I’m sure plenty of parents think we go overboard but we would rather be safe than sorry. Our kids are also very involved with their respective sports (dance & karate) which are year round and require a lot of dedication. Thanks for sharing.